Author's Note
Ever have one those things where you lose track of time? I got myself so stuck in all of my stories I took what I thought was a mini hiatus because everything I was writing was terrible- at least to myself. Nothing seemed to flow well and felt as though I were just putting the facts down instead of in the usual voice I put it in.
At the end of November. Needless to say, two weeks later it is now February and I have no idea how it happened. At least whatever it was keeping me from writing properly seems to have passed and after an extensive rewrite of this chapter, I am happy to say I am excited to move forward with this. Only a few chapters away from the end of Leaves and the first chapter of Bearable Weight of Ink is nearly complete already.
Sorry for the long wait! As always, reviews/comments serve to inspire 3
Gaara
For once I felt grateful for the ability to hide my emotions and kept my expression null of any identifiable irritation. My own lieutenant, one I had retained from the war, was being treasonous. "Did you not hear what I just mentioned? There is a network of tunnels and caverns beyond Suna and it is of utmost importance to gather a meeting to address this possible threat to-"
"I heard you, Lord Gaara. I just can't call a meeting on it."
I grit my teeth. How was it up to him to decide what was or was not important. "I am your Kazekage." A simple sentence spoke low enough to convey the annoyance, no- irritation- for his insolence.
The man in front of me sighed and put down the folder he was going through. He took his glasses off and leaned back in the chair. "You are, and the council already warned me you would likely come to me one day if you found out about those caverns."
I stared at him a moment. "What?" I felt dumbfounded, numb. They kept it from me? "Why?" I nearly winced as I realized what I was saying. Years of practices articulation and a single secret from the people who distrusted me broke me down into single word utterances.
"Precautionary. They said you would understand."
Precautionary? I frowned at him, the meaning of the word clearing in my head. Treason. I turned from him and walked over to the window. Kimi was nestled to my chest sleeping and I didn't have the desire to wake her. "You may tell them I know of them, then." I looked out to the border, the tall cliffs surrounding us. Had they needed, they left an opening so they could surround me unnoticed. I had gone years without noticing the caverns. If the walls were thinner, it would have been obvious, but in solid rock, I would have to feel it out specifically. I swallowed.
It wouldn't have been hard to have me surrounded by enemies had they felt the need, but I was strong. The devastation from this standpoint would only be a last resort. These things, while minor in the scheme of things only served as a reminder of how much they still feared me.
Feared Kimi. If they realized I might not be able to handle her if her power grows... The thought made me bring my arms up around the bundle of sand holding her to me. No. I would never allow them to touch her.
"Lord Gaara, I was told by the council if you were to stop by, to remind you of your list. It must be completed in order and there have been no updates to any activity."
My stomach twisted. I had read over the list several times but I had been avoiding it. "I am gathering the necessary..." I trailed off. Lies. All I needed was the necklace and... I needed to locate it. I sighed. Perhaps I should just say the truth. "Courage. Kimi's mother hasn't been well and I am unsure how she will take going public." Close enough.
"She's your wife, there isn't much avoiding it here." Avoiding...
I hummed and returned to my Lieutenants desk. The sight of the far walls, the fact I knew about the tunnels now, my previous thoughts on what I wanted to do for Naruto as a gift. I felt the corner of my lip twitch upward and I pressed a finger to the traitorous reaction to keep it from continuing. "No, there isn't. While I am here, however, I would like to present an idea to the council." More of my lips twitched upward and I let my hand fall away from my lips, allowing the annoying smile to happen.
My lieutenants face drained of all color. Usually, smiles coming from me wasn't something anyone wanted to ever see.
I considered it revenge for withholding information from me. He didn't need to know the real reason behind it, and the fact it was my little secret only made the smile wider.
.*. .*. .*.
"How in the damn hell was I supposed to know you proposed to her?"
I stared at Kankuro. How did he not know? I had used him as my test subject for the act.
He groaned and held up a hand. "No, don't say it. I know you were going to, but considering the same day you were planning on it she freaking had the baby, I didn't realize you actually-" He groaned and run his hands through his hair. "I don't care. What is important is you find the damn thing. You sure it isn't in your room?"
I looked down at the table. "I did not see it easily."
"You didn't really look for it did you?"
"Yes." I did not look up to meet his eyes.
"Gaara." His voice was low.
I hesitated before I answered him. "I looked in the obvious places. I do not see why it would be anywhere else in the room, so it is not a necessity to return there."
He sighed. "Fine, I will look in Shinki's room for it. I know it isn't in my shop. You should contact that doctor of yours too, maybe she remembers seeing it in all the chaos."
I looked back up at this. "Why would she?"
He shrugged. "It's a long shot, but she does have a connection who might remember."
I narrowed my eyes. He didn't mean... Did he? "No."
"And if he took it?"
I clenched my jaw and I felt the muscles in my back tighten. "He will die."
Kankuro took a deep breath. "Calm it down, you won't kill him, not when his life might be tied to the person in your bed." The corner of his lip twitched upward, threatening a smile.
The smile let on to the idea he was referring to the fact she was in my bed. He was trying to goad me. "Vulgar." I shifted in my seat, not wanting to think of his implication. "I do not see what is so amusing about the situation." Too late, not wanting to think of it, made me think of it. A brief image of her there, smiling up at me. In a bed which one day would be shared. Preferably in a more suitable location. I took a breath to clear my head.
He gave a half laugh. "You wouldn't. Can't help it though, you're too damn easy." He leaned forward over the table, his smirk widening into a full-on smile. "I mean, for the first time in his life, my baby brother has the urges of a grown man. Why wouldn't I play on it?"
I flicked my hand and shoved him off of his chair with sand, ignoring his yelped complaint. I felt the corner of my lip twitch upward. I allowed it. It felt good.
"You're an ass, Gaara." He heaved himself up from the floor and wiped his clothes of lingering sand. "Just for that, I hope that guy has it, just so you have to see him."
"I will kill you." I folded my arms. "I will pierce your skin, filet your organs and drag them out through your mouth."
The smile fell, for a moment, then returned. "Yeah." His voice squeaked the word. "You'll regret it though, and I wouldn't make it easy on you."
I tilted my head at him. I hid my amusement with a blank expression, knowing I too could return the favor of goading him. "Wouldn't it be?"
He cleared his throat. "I'm going to head upstairs, double check your room."
I stilled. "You can't go in there with her."
His smile returned. "Can't I? If I remember correctly, it's you who can't be alone with her. I can come and go as much as I please."
I narrowed my eyes. "Actually, all male contact is supposed to be supervised once the attendant is in place." I had read the demands set by the council more than I cared to admit to. Every rule, most of them were obvious, but then there were the few which made it problematic for me. Such as not telling her I had to keep my distance, or that we were expected to go through a test. Or tell her about the public reveal I needed to schedule. Soon. They had deadlines on the actual tasks.
"Then it won't be a problem since the girl isn't here until tomorrow afternoon, isn't it?" He reached out, grabbed the biscuit on the table and left. I stared after him, a sick feeling erupting in my stomach once he was out of sight. He was seeing her. My wife. It made me angry. No, not anger. I closed my eyes, focusing on the feeling, the rise of my heart rate, the odd longing.
I fisted my hands into the fabric of my pants. I wasn't sure what this feeling was, but I was sure I didn't like it. It didn't help I was already in an annoyed mood after my lieutenant debunked my worry for the caverns in the area surrounding the city. Known and documented. Known and guarded. Why had they not informed me of them in the first place? Precautionary reasons. Of course. Why not? It was always comforting to know after so many years as Kazekage my own council still hid things from me 'just in case'.
There were times I felt I was nothing more than a figurehead of this place instead of being their leader.
.*. .*. .*.
A knock at the door caught me off guard. "They're here." Kankuro pushed past me and headed to answer it.
"Who is?"
He ignored me and opened the door and I froze at who was there.
The person pushed past Kankuro and smiled at me. "Catch." A small, familiar looking wooden box launched at me from the doorway. The voice was disgustingly familiar and I had to use my sand to grab the box before it hit the ground. The brown-haired man entered the room then, the one who carried the original voice of my wife. The one who had my face when he wasn't disguised.
I lifted the little box up then looked inside. Necklace. I let out a sigh of relief when the orange jewel caught the light within and closed it back up before sending a glare towards the man in front of me. "I do not recall inviting you."
He flashed a brilliant smile and I looked away. Even in this form, it was too similar to his. Hers. If only she would smile more again. Really smile. "That delicious brother of yours mentioned the box I took was important." He flopped down into the nearest chair. "Might not have taken it if I knew it was more than just a trinket."
"Trinket?"
He shrugged, then narrowed his eyes at me. "Engaged then?"
"I will have to return this to her in a few days." I knew the statement would confirm the question.
"Days?" He leaned forward and I noticed a figure enter from the door. Kimiko. I shifted my eyes to her while he spoke. "Avoiding Other again? Must I intervene?" I looked back to him with the words. He sounded bored, but there was a glint in his eye which betrayed amusement.
I narrowed my eyes at him, his words forcing me to remember how I found his clones pinning her down. "You will not touch her."
He laughed. "Don't plan on it. Don't get me wrong, but Other had a baby and had Kurama ripped out of her. Don't really want to live through that."
I frowned at him. "What do you mean?" He was messing with me, wasn't he? Wait... He knew about Kurama?
He tapped his temple. "I get her memories when I touch her. The whole transformation thing, I remember it, wish I didn't." He winked at me, then patted his lap. "Though, it did come with at least one pleasant memory." His lips twisted upward.
I took a step back and my stomach turned. "You..." I didn't want to finish the question. Did he remember the cave? How I nearly killed Naruto? How we...
Kimiko stood next to Kankuro and both were glaring at the annoyance sitting across from me. "No." Her word was stern, matter of fact and she sat down in the chair closest to where I stood. "You promised."
He shrugged and flashed a smile at Kankuro.
A shudder went through him and he pointed at the door. "Headed back out. I'll be back when I don't have to deal with the idea he'll try something with me again." He turned on the ball of his foot.
"Wait, Kanku-" Slam. He was gone. I swallowed. Wonderful, now I was alone with them. The woman who both tricked me and saved my wife, and the creature I wanted so desperately to end but couldn't on the chance it would also end my wife.
"Shame."
I narrowed my eyes at him. "You brought it back, now leave."
He held up his hands and stood. "If you insist." His smile widened and he headed the wrong way.
"Wait, what are you doing?" I went to stop him and a hand gripped onto my forearm.
"Let him."
I looked down to Kimiko. "I do not trust him." Her grip was soft, I could easily remove myself from her grip.
"Neither do I." Her voice was calm, steady.
She confused me. "I do not understand."
"Please, Lord Kazekage, sit with me?" Her hand dropped from my arm.
"But..." I trailed off as the man disappeared up the stairs. I frowned but did as she asked, keeping my eyes fixed at the place I lost sight of him. "I still do not forgive you for what you have done." I did not look at her as the words left me. They surprised me. I had meant to never say it. Not to her. Not ever.
"She is much more important than I am." She sounded defeated and her words were breathy but not quite a whisper.
I tore my eyes away from the threat to my wife to look at the person next to me. I jumped without meaning to when I realized she was not wearing her usual garb, her glasses gone and the swirling white of her eyes obvious. She gave a small smile. "The disguise is no longer needed, now you understand my role in your life."
I clenched my teeth. It wasn't for her to decide. "In what way was it determined your life was unimportant?"
She sighed and leaned back into her chair. "I didn't say it like that."
I narrowed my eyes. "I do not claim many as friends. You are one I admit to, yet you have decided, without permission, your life is of less importance than another."
"Not just any life, the life of Naruto Uzumaki. The life is of your wife's." She shifted in her chair, her swirling eyes meeting my own as she leaned closer in my direction. "You cannot hide the truth of it, Lord Gaara. The life of this one person is beyond all others in your mind, I saw what her death would do to you." She relaxed back into her seat and looked up at the ceiling.
"There must have been another way." It was pointless to argue something who had witnessed the possible future I had endured. Bile rose in my throat at the memory of what I had done, what I intended to do after I moved on from here.
"No, trust me, I relived it over a few times. Tried many angles and the only option I could use was the one I did. At first, I thought I only bought her a few years. Figured I would sort out the rest later. Then, one day, there was a knock on my door. You know what they say about opportunity?"
I frowned, then tilted my head. "No."
She gave a soft chuckle. "Don't ignore it when it comes knocking. The clone witnessed how you were brought back to life. I probably shouldn't have, but it opened a new window of possibility I just couldn't ignore."
"You could have traded the life of someone in the dungeon. You could have come to me, I could have secured-" I flinched when a hand grabbed my arm, yet it effectively silenced me.
"I wouldn't have allowed it, Gaara. I could never in good conscience use the life of another, not when I have no real purpose. I always believed the only reason I lived was to save her, this exchange, I am happy for it."
I was going to challenge what she was saying, but before I could she leaned over and grabbed hold of my knee. I froze and took a long breath in through my nose. The place her hand touched me burned and the desire to crawl out of my own skin began to ebb from the place we connected. I swallowed, not wanting to show my disdain for her touch though I was sure it would show from the tremble I couldn't control. "I could have used a prisoner." My mouth felt dry. I wanted to win this conversation. There were other ways. There had to be.
"When we met, I was meant to die. I had lived it over and over in my own mind for years. It's weird, knowing when and how you would die. I tried running away from it. It bought me a year or two, you know. Imagine how surprised I was when you showed up. My vision of my death faded away and all I could see was the attack and I could see a way to help you. I never saw you, not once, in my own future until that moment. I still don't understand why you were never a catalyst in my own visions. It intrigued me. I had to save you, Gaara." She squeezed my knee and I couldn't help the squeak from leaving me.
She gave a sigh and removed her hand. "Gaara, in order to save you, I had to save her. I have no interest in her one way or another but you gave me years on my life I never expected to have. There is nothing else I could ever do to repay you. Somehow in the process, we became friends and it wasn't something I meant to happen. This was the one opportunity I could use to pay you back and I took it. I never expected to live through it, I was going to give her all of my life. She should never have been able to even meet me, let alone-"
"Shut up." I flicked my fingers and sand covered her mouth, effectively ending her chatter. "I..." I trailed off. How could I say anything to what she just told me?
Her shoulders slumped.
I studied her for a moment, processing everything she said. "I don't understand. Explain."
Her eyes met mine and she tapped the sand over her mouth. Oh, right. I removed it from her and she took a deep breath. "I already did. I do have a question for you though. Why did you save me that day?"
"I don't know." My answer was quick, too quick. I folded my arms to my chest and after a moment of silence, I decided to answer her more clearly. "I always wondered why I let you live. I should have killed you, but you freaked me out."
"I mean, why did you even come? I never even saw you. You should never have cared enough to even show."
I eyed her. Monster. The word echoed in my mind and I looked away. "I was curious what else beyond myself could so easily be called a monster." I cleared my throat. I was tired of this. This conversation. I changed the subject. "Why do you still have him around?"
"Who?"
I pointed upward, indicating the creature who was likely irritating my wife.
She gave me half a nod in understanding. "We are similar. Neither are meant to live, yet we live. We weren't meant to be anything. Useless, nonexistent. At first, it was nothing more than using him for a means to an end. Through him I could see the method used to save you. Through his memory, I pieced it together. It took a while, but..." She trailed off, her eyes breaking their contact with mine. She cleared her throat. Then, she cleared it again. "Forgive me, for my indiscretion, Lord Kazekage."
Indiscretion? I stared at her, what an odd thing to say. Why would... If she... They... My stomach twisted. Oh. "You allowed him to mate with you." I looked away, not wanting to think of it, using the most generic term I could think of.
"Yes."
A knot formed in my throat and I gave a slow nod knowing my voice would fail me. Heat rose up to my face and soon the sound of cracking could be heard.
"He's in love with her, you know."
I refused to look at her. "Who?"
"Your wife."
I swallowed. In love with her? "Illogical."
"Yet true."
I chose not to acknowledge the information. It didn't make any sense to me. "Try and keep him tamed."
"I will." There was a slight tinge of amusement in her voice. I did not want to contemplate the fact they were still around each other. To me, it made no sense at all, even less sense than him being in love with his original. "You will take on an apprentice, Kimiko." I had to change to subject.
A moment of silence passed. "I will. Someone who will please you."
I looked back at her. I attempted a small smile, but after a slight twitch of my lips, they turned the wrong way. My own words reminded me of the inevitable. Three years. She had only three years left. I felt sick.
I didn't like it. Maybe there could be a way to save her. There had to be.
.*. .*. .*.
I paced. It had been another two days. It was time and I was nervous. Why? It was only dinner. With my wife. Something I had done before, I was sure. I think. There was a possibility there was a time we went out to eat before. We had drinks before, after he became Hokage, as I once promised. No, I don't think this counts either, as I had it brought to us in my room then.
I fell into my chair. I had been hiding out in my office since the visit from Kimiko and the thing. I delivered breakfast up to my room yesterday but only exchanged a simple formality. I could barely look at her. Her attendant's eyes were locked on me the entire time, ensuring I did nothing out of line. At least it meant everything was moving forward. The clock had started the moment I left after those two days, but it meant I must start completing the tasks given to me in order for the council to approve my marriage to my own wife. I sighed. Traditional courtship combined with an extensive list of expectations. I never moved past the initial meeting stage with my past fiancee. We didn't make it to the public announcement let alone the public outings which preceded it, and that was only the first part. There would be two months worth of perfectly timed outings to specific places the council specified within the document. I at least had the ability to time a few of those myself since the deadline given was merely before the ceremony. I heaved a sigh, tapped on my desk and looked at the clock. Less than twenty minutes and I would have to go collect my wife and her attendant for our first official outing. She didn't even know what was going on, no idea she would be leaving the house for the first time since coming here.
I closed my eyes and took a breath as the weight of what was happening hit me. She has no idea. No idea what was required of us, required of me, required of her. The courtship would start with simple meetings supervised by a designated attendee, my sister was the one appointed for Hakuto and the council wanted to rush the marriage as they were the ones who had chosen her for me. She was beautiful, kind and for a brief moment, I thought there was a possibility for our union. Then, just before our first public outing was scheduled, she made a run for it. There so ended the idea of marriage for me.
Until now. Now when they decided it would be more beneficial for me to go through more rigmarole than they ever planned for Hakuto. Couldn't they just make up their minds? Couldn't they just be happy I was actually starting a family like they wanted me to in the first place? It was a good ten years after the fact, but still.
I pulled out a folder and started to work on a new project. Clear my mind. Keep myself busy. Do something else, anything else to keep me from thinking about the next step in our relationship phase. I read through the paperwork, meticulous to pay attention to what was inside. A trade settlement agreement with a small village on the outskirts of our territory with a neighboring land. The village was so far from our own resources the proposal would allow for resources to exchange beyond our borders. I hummed at what was inside. This was interesting.
I leaned forward on the desk and went over the outline of the proposal. Our village specialized in stone carving and the nearby village was one with fertile land and easy access to many crops not available in our territory. The trade would give a percentage of their haul to them in exchange for grains and vegetables. It was mostly a solid agreement, save for a singular clause within stipulating a severance of ties if one didn't hold a specific ratio. I marked this area for revision with a note to lower the percentage. Weather in our area could be unpredictable and to expect a full crop exchange in the percentage they were expecting would make the agreement void within a few seasons. The benefits of having a set exchange would be a good start in negotiations in the future and I made a note specifying the advantages in such an agreement. I set the folder aside and marked it for the council to go over to decide on the implicated changes and marked it for reading at the next council meeting.
I stole a glance at the time. Five minutes now. A strange tickle erupted in my stomach and I cleared my throat and a deep breath in an attempt to dispel the bodily reaction to my outing with my wife. I stood from my desk and closed the curtain to my window. I left Kimi with Kankuro so Kisarei would have access to her again. She took to her mother's milk again and I was not going to insist them stop as I was the one who triggered the start of it again. I was unfamiliar with how these things worked, and I wasn't going to interfere. Anymore. The tickle in my stomach dissipated at the thought of my earlier deterrence.
I sighed and headed out of the Kazekage tower and back towards home. I froze at the thought. Home. I still needed to find a place for us. I clenched my jaw and once out of the building looked over towards the area I had visited earlier with Kimi. The ruins where history began. The ruins I hoped they would allow me to restore. It was perfect. Perfect to raise Kimi away from most of society. Perfect to build what I wanted for my wife. Perfect to restore history.
I stood, straighter, lighter than before. If I was unable to use this place as my new family home, they might have an idea. The fact my daughter inherited my ability, as well as Kurama, would be a good incentive for them to help me find a nice isolated place to keep them. Though I doubted they would rush the matter before the whole business with the courtship was finished, at least it would be presented to them now.
I turned from the distant cliff wall and started to walk home. There shouldn't be any reason to deny my request. The elder council should also see it as an opportunity to restore one of the most historical ruins Suna had to offer, ruins which fell into disrepair generations ago. Probably when the head family turned into the Kazekage family. They were more focused on being ninja so the funds to upkeep a historical reminder to the original family was likely terminated.
I looked back at the time. I was a minute late. My stomach twisted back up with the odd ticklish sensation and I started towards home. I wanted to run, but I didn't want to cause a commotion with the bystanders. I looked at the time again. Two minutes late. Another twist in my stomach and I decided it was worth the risk. I gathered sand beneath my feet and pushed myself forward toward my house as fast as I could.
I had a date with Kisarei and I did not wish to miss it, even if she didn't know we were having one.
