Chapter 54. Sacrifice
L Pov
I was not a normal person. Admittedly, I was human, but normal was far from a valid descriptor. I was capable of friendship, and certainly of love, but never could I be considered commonplace even if these were normal tendencies. The truth was, at times I wish I had been. It would be wonderful sometimes not to be so bloody important.
Unfortunately, my childhood and teens consisted of people whispering to each other how "weird" I was and cruel passerby on the street spitting the word "freak." in my direction so I became accustomed to these terms, knowing there was little I could do to expand their minuscule minds.
However, she didn't see me in that light. When my hair still tingled hours after her fingers had run through it or when my lips still felt the sweet warmth of hers, I knew that I was better than that. If someone so lovely and good and honest could love me no others' opinion could matter.
I would so dreadfully hate to leave her, but I truly had no choice.
The room was dark, and a slight draft was coming in feebly from the windows. I had been lying there for three hours wide awake as Grace rested contentedly in my arms, the picture of comfort. She was sleeping soundly for once, and for that I was thankful. I had once witnessed her in the throes of a nightmare and it truly had been a terrifying experience. I had been powerless to help her then and had been haunted by the memory ever since. It did my heart good to see her at ease.
She stirred in her own welcome slumber and burrowed deeper into my neck, light warm breaths rhythmically falling on my skin. I sighed frustrated. I had tried to indulge her but sleep simply wasn't an option. The moment itself could have been considered perfect bliss and a dream realized after almost a decade in the making, the girl I loved safe in my embrace, but all I could feel was pain. Why did she believe in me so? Why would she want to commit herself to someone who lived such a high-risk existence? Why in hell did she think coming with me to Japan made sense? And truly how long could I lie here waiting for dawn with all of these questions torturing my mind?
"Grace?" I whispered, wondering how deeply under she was. I called to her a few more times with no response. She was so lovely sleeping there, a few auburn curls delicately falling across her face as she breathed deep and even. She deserved so much more than this, which was the most heavy, agonizing truth I realized. She needed someone who could put her first. That was becoming increasingly difficult for me to do with the current case.
And now with this talk of coming along to assist with Kira? I was still so angry with her for even considering it. The thought of the onslaught of impassioned pleas and rows that inevitably would follow over the course of the next few days started to fill me with a sense of naked dread. I wouldn't want to depart knowing she hated me as days of old. I'd rather make my own choices and leave now while there was no bitterness between us. It made perfect sense.
However, acting on this decision had left me seemingly paralyzed for hours as I had alternately taken in her quiet beauty and committed the scent of her skin to memory very aware it would be the last time I would lay eyes on her before leaving for Tokyo and possibly ever again. This time, I didn't want to face the idea of leaving to go fight the unknown but knowing that she was safely ensconced in our childhood home on the other side of the world as I was doing it made it much easier to bear.
Finally, ever so slowly and silent, I slipped my arm out from under her sleeping form and inched away from her on the bed. She didn't appear to sense my desertion, but I carefully pulled the comforter up closer to her chin to equalize the decrease in body heat in the event of this changing. She seemed so small, huddled in the expansive bed by herself and I questioned my reasoning for leaving her now, but the voices wouldn't be silenced. People were dying now left and right while I ignored them to be with Grace. How was that the proper or just thing to do? She would understand in time.
"Please forgive me." I confessed softly to the dark room. "I think only of you."
As noiseless as I could manage, I crept across the bedroom to the door and made it outside into the corridor without incident. I breathed a heavy sigh, and then continued on.
Sleep was for the dead, I decided. Despite all of Grace's accusations that I was tired, it was simply impossible. Even resting in a reclining position had done nothing to prove her right. Was I exhausted from the search for Kira? Certainly, but not enough to quit. Preparations for leaving Wammy's House had been taken care of weeks ago, so I didn't worry about packing. But as I made my way to the closet in the great room downstairs where the suitcases were being kept, I felt more and more that my sudden departure without a word was too cruel. I reached in my pocket for my mobile, but then shook my head, deeming a text message hardly appropriate either.
I reached the great room and was blinded momentarily by the immense Christmas tree still illuminated with twinkling lights and ornaments all hand fashioned by the children in the corner. Someone had left it on. I did not care much about missing Christmas, as it never had held much significance to me in my lonely sorry state, but this year it would have been special having someone to share it with. G loved Christmas because it was the day of the year when all of the others were the happiest. She was far too good to have to deal with someone like me who would hide out all yuletide season away from the revelry like a modern-day Scrooge but this year would have been different. I wished that I could explain that in some action or word, but nothing seemed right.
I found myself gravitating towards the massive desk by the fireplace as I had been the times before when a letter had been in order. Unlike those, this one would not end up in Watari's safe. I needed her to know as soon as possible my reasons for departure and my deep, impossible love for her. Unfortunately, I was never a poet or expressive in that regard, but I would at least try.
I settled down in the hard-backed chair and pulled a piece of ivory stationary toward me with Wammy's House printed in the top right corner, along with its motto
"domum enim optimum et clarissimum"-"Home for the Best and Brightest." It was certainly true in every respect. Over the last few months it had become a place harder to leave. The skills and talents of each resident had never been that apparent to me and none of them had ever seemed more real. While before, I would be thankful to get away from their chatter or petty rows, I now tended to miss the constant noise and bustle when I was holed up in a hotel room alone. It was a very different outlook than what I was used to.
I closed my eyes, forming the entirety of my letter in my mind, taking care to tread lightly regarding my true decision of leaving so soon and how she factored so much into it.
Then, with a heavy sigh, I began to write.
"L, above ground? Can I be dreaming?"
A teasing voice broke into the silence some time later and I jolted in my seat. I slowly turned around to see Anne staring curiously at me, a mug of some steaming drink in her hand. I must have appeared stranger than usual surrounded by paper at the desk and my expression admittedly downcast.
I cleared my throat and tried to conceal my letter as she approached. "Oh, you're up rather late, Anne." I deflected. "Is there anything I can help you with?"
She forced a smile and settled down into the chair beside me. "I don't think so. Although I can at least commiserate with you on the insomnia bit tonight."
"That you can. Er...why is it that you can't sleep?"
She didn't seem prepared to tell me, but finally sighed. "Oh, it's just Liam. He has been talking a great deal about us getting a flat together in the next couple of months. In London. I mean, I don't blame him, we hardly get to see each other not living in the same city and, it would be wonderful to wake up to him every day, to have our own little life, you know? But I can't even think about telling anyone, especially Gracie. I don't know how she would react. I don't think I could leave her now anyway. It wouldn't be right."
Were the fates trying to make me feel bloody worse? I tightened the grip of my pen in my hand and exhaled. "She would want you to be happy above anything else. I know that. You shouldn't be afraid to tell her when the time comes."
Her eyes narrowed, not believing me for a second. I still found it difficult knowing how plainly she could see through me "Yes, L, that is what she would say, and I know a part of her would believe it, but I don't think that's how she would feel."
"Er…how would she feel, then?"
"Oh, I think she'd feel abandoned by everyone who loves her, that's all! I'd give anything for you two to have what Lee and I can, but I know it's not that easy. I wish it was." She took a large sip of her tea and sighed.
"You are referring to a normal, peaceful existence, I suppose." I supplied, the pain throbbing more. Of course, Grace deserved that.
"Yeah, that. But she doesn't expect that with you. She wants to be by your side through everything, L. I hope you know that."
"All too well."
"Jude told me you had a row with her tonight." Her tone wasn't accusatory, just factual. "He said you flew off the handle and told her that you're going after Kira alone. He said he'd never read you so furious, not even around Caleb."
"I really must block my thoughts better when he's around." I gritted my teeth. "It is none of his concern what I do."
"That may be so, but it doesn't stop him." she smiled a little, her fondness for my protégé evident.
"I am painfully aware of that."
"Have you at least made amends?"
"Somewhat." I coughed, a bit uncomfortable with divulging intimate moments. "I apologized after some sulking and promised to hold her while she slept."
Anne raised an eyebrow. Why had I expected that to be a legitimate answer? "It's half one. Isn't she still sleeping?"
"Well, I er, had to take care of something so I removed myself for a time."
Even adverting my gaze to concentrate on the wood grain of the desk didn't stop me from sensing her reproachful look. "Ugh, this is just what I mean. Leaving her like that. What are you going to do if she wakes up? You promised to stay."
"I don't know. It was doing no good laying there. I can't sleep, I tried, believe me, I tried, but it was useless."
She thumped her mug down on the desk beside me obviously frustrated with my romantic ineptitude. "Don't you ever think about what she needs? L, look, I know this relationship thing is new to you, but you can't just think of yourself anymore. I mean, I know you felt it a pointless exercise because you couldn't sleep but what about just being with her there to make her happy?"
"You mean a sacrifice."
"Well, yes. Pretty much."
"Something along those lines is nowhere near a sacrifice, Anne." I couldn't help but harden my tone. "Putting some one's life before my own is one. I do that already."
This subdued her for a bit and I sat tensed, waiting for her to finally leave me alone with my duty.
"So, what are you writing that's so important it couldn't wait till morning?"
No luck of that. "Nothing of consequence..."
She scoffed. "I doubt that. Can I see?"
"I'd rather you not." I answered sharply, pushing my letter further under the book but she was too quick and snatched it out of my grasp, starting to read it aloud.
"My darling Grace, by the time you read this, I will be gone. I cannot abide the thought of you putting yourself in danger, so I felt it best to take my leave-L, oh my God you can't do this!"
Annoyed, I took the letter back. "You wouldn't understand."
"The hell I wouldn't! You were just going to go without saying goodbye and leave us here to pick up the freaken pieces? How old are you?" Her voice was reaching a worrying volume and her eyes were wide with shock. I realized then that I didn't enjoy her disapproval of me.
"I am old enough to know what I am doing is right. There is no need for any discussion of Grace accompanying Watari and I. This eliminates that need."
Anne shook her head vehemently, ignoring my defense. "You never do this. You never have. Even when you two were at each other's throats you would still take a minute to tell her that you were off, maybe saying something snide like "thank goodness". If you go like this, it will break her heart!"
"She will forgive me in time. You cannot agree with her crackpot scheme to come to Japan with Watari and me, can you?"
"Of course, I don't, but that has nothing to do with this." She smacked the paper in her hand. "This is about trust. How will she ever trust you again?"
"I don't need her to trust me," My voice was gruff as I thought of my well-considered words. "I need her to be protected. I don't care what damage this causes to us. Her safety matters more than anything else."
"How noble of you." Anne scowled. "Can you tell me really what has changed since the pair of you got together on your end? Because it seems to me like you're acting the exact same. Not giving Gracie a choice in anything. She's the one constantly giving when all you do is take."
"That is not fair."
"Life isn't fair. Something you have told everyone here for years. You're not going to do this, L. I won't let you. I'll go up those stairs right now and let her know what a coward you are trying to be!" She heightened her threat in a high hiss and I knew not to doubt her ability to do just that.
"Can you offer me an alternative, then?" I stood up, indignant. "I have considered every angle for hours and found this the best choice. What would you suggest instead?"
Her expression changed to one embodying her unswerving nature. "I want you to stay. For as long as you possibly can. That's what I suggest."
I met her look with understanding, my heart aching more than before. "Because I won't return, you mean."
Anne visibly flinched and tried to speak. "No, that's not what I meant at all…I meant that you love Grace and should want to spend as much time with her as you can. Like any new besotted boyfriend would act."
I felt a knot gathering in my throat and coughed. "I have responsibilities that the average boyfriend does not. Kira will not stop his misguided judging of criminals because I want to be with Grace more than I am physically able. This case will wait for no one."
Anne grew quiet and sat back down, biting her lip. "Do you have to take this case, L?"
"I must." I whispered back, steeling my resolve even though her gentle inquiry was making it difficult to not lower my defenses.
"Why don't you think that you'll come back?"
"I never entirely believe I'll return." I answered honestly. "But with this case, the only way to defeat Kira is to get close to him…or her. It may even mean revealing myself to the person. How can one survive that?"
She placed a consoling hand on my arm, causing me to seat myself again. "You have to try. For Grace."
Her name spoken again caused the pain to grow even more and my guards to finally fall. "Anne, what right do I have to hold a claim on her when I won't return? How can I ask her to marry me when the stakes are so high?"
She sighed, her voice rich with patience. "Because…if you show her you are thinking of the future, she will begin to hope, and so will you."
I looked up then to notice her eyes were filled with tears. "I-I don't want this." She shook her head as her voice wavered. "I have been so happy for you both. This is all I have ever hoped for. And for this stupid Kira to ruin our lives, and for you to be so prepared to sacrifice yourself…" she trailed off into sobs as her entire form shook. Though surprised, I placed an arm around her shoulders as she continued to weep. I couldn't fathom how quickly she had transformed from pure anger to wrenching sadness. Her heart was so large and so devoted to us all, I realized I hadn't been the only one putting on a brave face all of this time.
"This is what was always expected of me, Anne. I would do anything to keep the ones I care for safe."
"Well what about what we want?" she sniffled from my shoulder. "None of us want to see you go."
"That is very different then times of old." I mentioned with a note of humor, but Anne pulled away, her expression pained.
"It was never this dangerous before. I always knew you'd come back. Everyone did. Do you know what I had to hear today before going out with Grace? I had to listen to Roger and Wammy and Mrs. Coppersmith about my duty to the children in case one of you doesn't return. They're preparing me for that! They won't tell Grace about this, but they don't have to. She knows what risks there are. I-I couldn't be her, as much as I wish I could take her place and save her from this anguish." My childhood friend sniffled. "To worry about you, to be afraid she'll never see your face again…"
"I am selfish wanting her to be with me, I know."
"It wouldn't matter, L. She has been yours before she even realized it. You know G. She would never adopt the safe path if the other path lead to you."
I cleared my throat, blinking hard. "That is profoundly accurate."
Anne stood up then, wiping her eyes on the arm of her dressing gown. "You can't go like this. This is your home, we are your family. All of us have a right to say goodbye. We've earned it."
Every word she spoke was true. "I do hope you know what you are asking. It would be so much simpler if I left this evening instead of stretching out taking my leave."
She gave me a half smile as she rustled my hair and crossed the room to the doorway. "Go back to Grace, L. I'm off to burn this letter and don't try to stop me."
"I won't."
"Good. Good night."
I watched her go and sat there in the shadow of the bright Christmas tree deep in thought, my perspective greatly changed. Grace was mine, that was the most perfect unbelievable gift, but what I still wanted more than anything had eluded me mostly due to my own fears and preoccupations. I aimed to remedy this once and for all. Life was too short to not live.
Back in her bedroom, Grace had turned on her side and was now facing the windows, still in a semblance of rest. I slipped back under the covers and went to place an arm around her when her voice demanded "Where were you? I thought you promised to stay here."
Blast.
"There-there was something I had to take care of." I muttered apologetically and willed her to turn back and face me. "I am sorry."
"Isn't there always."
Her tone was cool and full of pain. It instantly made me feel horrid about even being a moment away from her as she pulled the covers tighter around her body.
"G..."
"I-I know that I can never be the most important thing in your life, L... but I thought you could indulge me this once." her voice was quavering, and it broke my heart.
I reached over to turn on the lamp on the nightstand and she instinctively turned toward the light, showing me her face streaked with tears. "What did you do that for?!" She wiped her face hurriedly, fire in her eyes at being found out.
"Dearest..." I sighed as she colored and tried to turn away once more. "You are under a very wrong impression. You will always be the absolute most important thing in my life, everything I do is done with you in mind. I have something I need to know now, and I can't keep silent any longer. Grace-"
She sat up quickly and fixed me with an accusing look. "I had another dream...you were killed again, L. I woke up and you weren't here. Do you know what that must feel like?"
Damn, not another one. "It was a nightmare, Grace. Nothing true about it."
"How did I know that then?"
"You do now, don't you?"
"I don't know what I know. But I know that I don't care for when you don't honor your promises." She turned away again with a wrench of the covers out of my grasp and sat there in angry, seething silence.
I sighed, returning to my purpose. "I did promise to always love you. I will never dishonor that.'
"Pleased to bloody hear it. You show it so well sometimes it's like you never told me at all."
I groaned, increasingly frustrated. "Now, you listen to me, Grace Deacon. This is not needed. I have been trying to, quite unsuccessfully I might add, ask you a very important question and you choose to be stroppy with me about a bloody nightmare. Can I please at least say what I need to?"
Her incensed look softened and she thought a moment before responding. "All right then, speak if you must."
"Thank you." I climbed out of the bed and walked around it to her side, my heart racing with each step. "First of all, I don't ever want to hear that you don't have my heart again…." I roughly tugged the hem of my shirt up over my head and faced her, baring the very essence of my soul. Because that is simply not true."
Grace gasped as her hands flew up to her mouth. Her eyes widened as she couldn't tear them from the view of her letter branded into my skin. "Whe-when did you do this?" she sputtered, as her eyes filled with tears that she kept in check this time.
I glanced down at it, rising and falling with each breath and sighed. "It's the result of impulsive behavior whilst Watari and I were in Amsterdam three years ago."
"Oh my God..."she let the tears finally fall. "I thought you hated me..."
"I didn't. I loved you then, I knew I'd never be with you, that someone else would forever fill my place, but I wanted this proof that I would always carry you with me. Wherever I went, you would always be there. It helped the pain of being apart from you."
She joined me then, still shaking her head as tears spilled down her cheeks. "I still cannot wrap my head around the amount of time you held your feelings back. The fact that you did this…when I thought you were the biggest nuisance in the world…good Lord, can you ever forgive me?"
I took her hands in mine and gave her a soft smile. "What was there to forgive? This was for me only, not to guilt you into being with me. I didn't think you'd ever even see it. I wanted you to tonight, G. I want you to know how I would do anything for you. How I always will as best as I am able."
I could never forget the look that crossed her dear, beautiful face then as I lowered my body down to my knees. "About that question I wanted to ask you."
She gasped again and blushed furiously. "God, L, I-I look a mess. I can't believe-"
"Nonsense." I dismissed her concerns and reached into my pocket, the exhilaration of the moment propelling me forward. "Now Grace, my sweet, dearest Grace, you are all I've ever wanted. My first proposal fell rather flat, so I thought I might try again."
"Rather flat?" she whispered fondly, smiling shakily through her tears. "I was flabbergasted, and I didn't even believe you!"
"True, it was a bit unexpected, but nonetheless. I love you with every single part of me, even with the areas of my brain that science hasn't even comprehended yet. I think you are as close to perfection as mankind will ever be and I am thankful every day that both of us were brought to this home." Nerves started to take over as she stared at me in disbelief. ""Now that I've said what I planned to, I will speak from my heart, completely with abandon. I had no idea what I had been missing until I realized how hard, how inescapably deep I had fallen for you. You must never doubt the depth of my feeling, even when we must be apart, I ache until I can return to you, I always will."
I presented the ring then, sparkling more than it ever had in the darkness of the rooms I had inhabited since its purchase. It appeared Grace's legs couldn't support her as she flopped down onto the bed, her eyes transfixed on mine. "Oh L…"
"Which brings me to the obvious question. Cassandra Grace, will you marry me? Er...please?"
I could only stare at her, my breath caught in my throat as I waited for an answer. Some answer, any answer other than silence. She couldn't do anything but return my gaze, her mouth a perfect O.
"YOU BLOODY CREEP! I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU!"
We both jumped out of our skin hearing Mello's harsh voice in the hallway, then a prolonged groan and the sound of him stomping away grumbling to his self. Gods, Mello's sleepwalking tendencies had to return now?
"Once again, Mello interrupts a romantic moment." I commented, a bit uneasily as she still sat there quiet.
Finally, it seemed like slow motion as Grace came forward and knelt down to face me, solemnly resting her hands on each side of my face and taking in a breath.
I still waited expectantly for her to speak.
She rested her forehead against mine, her eyes two pools of violet blue. "Nothing, nothing could make me happier. Yes, L, I'll marry you, and you better believe I'll try my damndest to make you the happiest you've ever been."
I grinned back at her, nothing else mattering in that moment. "That is what I am supposed to say. I love you, Gracie. I had to let you know how much."
She fell into my arms then, laughing as I snatched a deep, joyful kiss. "Lord, Mrs. Coppersmith will be making her rounds now that Mello had to lose the plot about something."
I pulled apart from her, completely dumbfounded. "You bring up that damned woman in a moment like this?"
She giggled and shook her head, watching as I slipped the ring on her finger. It was a little loose but still appeared like it had always been there, the purple jewels a perfect complement to her skin. "I'm sorry…I suppose I worried that she'd try barging in here and finding us this way…my mind is completely a blur right now, L. I woke up so furious with you and now here you are, asking me to marry you. I knew you had the ring, but I don't know…I didn't expect you to use it."
"Did you believe that I buy women's jewelry for my own adornment?" I teased her, pulling her close once more.
She gave me an impish look back. "Well until tonight I didn't know you were a tattoo aficionado so who knows?"
"I will give you that." I kissed the top of her head and left her to cross the room to the door. "And as for worrying about the dragon storming in here, sticking her nose in other people's affairs, that is easily remedied." I locked the door and gazed at her slowly standing up by the bed, wearing my ring, wholly and completely mine. How could I have missed this by stealing off into the night? It was worth it just for the look of love and happiness in her eyes.
"Very true." She agreed, reaching me a bit shyly. She carefully placed her hand over my heart, the touch of her warm skin on mine exciting my pulse. "Will you stay here for the rest of the night? You won't run off again?"
I enfolded her into my arms and dipped my head down for the first of many more kisses. "Oh Grace, I would never leave your side right now. I am yours."
She smiled more and showed me the ring on her hand. "And I am yours, in every way…"
I could barely breathe. "So, you are."
"L..." she murmured as my lips found the soft skin of her neck. "What would Mrs. Coppersmith think?"
"Blast it Grace..."
"Kidding! Kidding!"
Original Chapter Songs - The Cave - Mumford and the Sons and Just Say Yes - Snow Patrol
New song – Straight to You – Josh Groban
Two more chapters left to go my friends! Including the next being the chapter that has been requested – a love scene!
I would love to know what you thought of this chapter. Fan service at its finest! :P Tattoo reveal, proposal, L almost sneaking off like many have worried he'd do. Luckily Anne was there to smack some sense into him.
