Disclaimer: The following is a fan-written parody. Ranma ½ is property of Rumiko Takahashi, Studio Deen, Shogakukan, Viz Media, and Madman Entertainment. Support the official release.

Senpai
A Ranma ½ Story

|And it felt great to be a Liar|

Akane blew out a sigh as she tried to get her emotions under control. It was pretty stupid of her to feel like this, especially since this Lida was obviously so important to Katie. In all honesty, it should have been a relief that the cool acting girl could cut loose and have some fun, but she didn't like it.

She wanted to be the person Senpai went all bananas for but that was already out of reach for her wasn't it? She already had a girlfriend, Kasumi had already destroyed her cool demeanor, and both of her sisters had been that intimate with Katie at least a couple times each. She was doomed to be the latecomer to all this, she couldn't ever be the first in anything. So why was she still being all possessive?

Discreetly, she looked at how easy Kosaku was talking to Angela and realized it was maybe because she was feeling insecure with herself. This whole liking girls like boys do thing was throwing her for a loop and she was clinging to her Senpai like a life raft. What a pathetic display she must be putting on-

"Hey now," Katie said, lightly pressing her knuckles against the side of Akane's head. "When you sit there thinking bad thoughts, you have this tendency to look like you're about to crap yourself."

"S-senpai…!" Akane squeaked, her face turning a brilliant red.

"Come on, tonight was about having fun wasn't it?" Katie asked with that winsome smirk of hers that sent Akane into a nervous state every time.

"Yeah, it is." Akane said, swallowing down the bitter feelings and trying to remain positive. "I just didn't expect…"

"… her?" Katie jerked her head to where Lida was reclining like a lioness over a kill. "Neither did I, when I first met her."

Katie smirked a bit, recalling her first encounter with the strange girl, completely gothed out and waiting for her and her uncle at an airport in Bilbao accompanied by a ridiculously large dog that looked a cross between a Greenland Dog, a Newfoundland Dog, and a Shetland Pony.

"She was so weird I thought she was an alien."

Katie then recalled facing against Lida on a spar on the sandy shore of the Bay of Biscay. Lida not only insisted on carrying on the spar wearing a swimsuit compared to Katie's gi, but also carrying a ridiculous parasol in her other hand to protect her from the sun.

"Keh, she was also a tremendous bitch."

The parasol's distraction proved helpful–it allowed Lida to kick sand in Katie's eyes, and then promptly beat her into sand with the then quickly closed parasol.

"Well, is," Katie amended. She was fairly certain that very little had changed about her Senpai.

Akane blinked. "Are you sure you should be saying that about her?"

Katie waved a hand. "It's a point of pride to her, she likes to keep it real. She's the kind of person who isn't going to be nice to you just because she should."

After several blows vicious blows with the parasol, however, Katie's hand shot up to grab and crush it. Seeing this, the younger Lida's eyes lit up to match her smile.

"If she feels like it, she might make the effort, but you're not getting any freebies with her."

Being friends with someone like her, a girl who radiated power and intimidation just sitting there as she was, was something that had to be earned, not freely given.

"Suddenly, you being attracted to Nabiki makes more sense." Akane muttered, shaking her head. Her Senpai's Senpai… it made too much sense when you looked at it from a certain way. Katie wasn't a very nice person but she could fake it, something she seemed to take from this Lida person.

"I have a type, yes." Katie said, mugging just a little. "But don't worry, you don't have to change yourself for me."

She leaned closer. "So that's really what crawled up your butt?"

Akane squirmed in her seat and looked around trying to escape the question. But like all the other times she had been cornered by Katie, she couldn't find a way to get out. With a bitter sigh, she finally confessed her sin. "You, you were so happy when you saw her. I didn't know what to think, I…"

Katie snickered before she broke into a full chortle.

"Shit girl, I wasn't expecting to see her and it's been years. " Katie explained, feeling almost unworthy of the affections of this pure girl. "If I went back to Oregon and hadn't seen you in months, I'd shriek and scream my head off if you popped up when I wasn't expecting you."

Akane brightened. "Really?"

"Of course. I'm not going to flip out over you because I see you all the time." Katie said, shrugging her shoulders a tad. "And it'd be kind of rude to do that all the time wouldn't you think?"

Akane shrugged her shoulders. "I wanted to see you smile for me more like that…"

"Oh, if that's what you want, then that's fine." Katie said, sprawling out in her seat. "Shit, I'll flash you a bigger smile anytime."

Akane pouted. "Geez, now I feel like an idiot…"

"It's fine, really!" Katie said, "You're allowed to be jealous, just as long as it stays sulking and pouting."

"… Sure, that's all it'll be." Akane promised, before she let out a small laugh. "How did I end up like this?"

"End up like what?" Katie asked.

"Able to want to make… this work," Akane asked. "I always thought I'd be way worse at being jealous…"

Katie reached over and patted her on the head, before rubbing it. "Being honest goes a long way towards being open."

Meanwhile, Ten was floating in the alley outside of the karaoke bar, holding the stick of gum that he had produced. The Fantasy Balloon Gum was a popular toy of the Oni, used to create small entertaining trinkets just by the simple act of blowing a big enough bubble.

However, with a big enough bubble, the user of the gum could go beyond that. With this, Ten could create a trick to lure that baby punching jerk outside so he could give him a proper punishment.

Create a copy of that old lady who ran the place and have him come outside, then roast him something fierce! And then…! And then he would create a fake boxer jerk who acted like a total pervert and send him in there. Then the girls would hate him and chase him out, the fake would then disappear, and the girls would beat the real one up when he tried to come back in!

It was, as Ten envisioned, a perfect plan!

"I said no blue shells!" A girl's angry voice called out, followed by airy, arrogant laughter.

"I thought the only rule of combat was to survive?" Another girl asked.

"Oh shut up," the angry girl snapped back.

"Huh?" He asked, hearing voices through the ceiling as he floated too close. Were there more rooms upstairs? And they were playing games? What a glamorous place this turned out to be!

He flew up to the open window where he heard the voices coming from, and peered inside while holding onto the window sill. Inside, he found two extremely attractive young women sitting on a couch who appeared exactly identical. One however had long, wavy hair colored black and red and had a much more impressive um… figure compared to the other girl with just plain black bob-cut black hair.

Misao threw down her steering wheel controller, and folded her arms with a huff beneath her healthy chest.

Next to her, her mother cheered as she did a little dance in her seat. "Whatever it takes to win, right Misao?"

"I guess so," Misao acquiesced. "Though to be honest, I think it's odd that you would come by to just want to play video games. Especially when we can play online any other time. My friends are waiting for me to join them for karaoke!"

"Karaoke… she's friends with those girls downstairs!" Ten quickly realized. "Maybe even that jerk who punched me, too."

"Can't I spend time with my little girl like a normal mother?" Momiji asked with a pout.

"Mother? She looks like she's Lum's age!" Ten thought in surprise.

"No, because you are not a normal mother," Misao replied, crossing her arms in consternation. "Out with it."

Momiji shrugged her shoulders and gave in. "Honestly, I wanted us to actually have a little fun before we discussed business!"

"We can do that after, I don't want to see you only because you need something from me," Misao said.

"And vice-versa?" Momiji sniped back.

Misao frowned, she had a point. "… Yeah, so what's up."

Getting down to business, Momiji spoke with a strangely chilly precision that bothered their unknown audience. "Well, the sortie data we got from your little rampage has been processed."

"Rampage?" Ten asked.

"How was it? I kept the performance pretty limited, given the target," Misao said.

"It is far beyond anything we could have gotten outside of an actual Xeno skirmish," Momiji explained.

"You're welcome." Misao said with just a bit of bratty cattiness.

"Yes, and to that end we're rather confident in beginning OPEVAL of all of the units, in addition to exploring alternative configurations." Momiji went on, all but ignoring the interruption. "For that, I need the rather unique young man you fought against.."

"Who?" Misao asked, trying to recall Ryoga. "Oh, right, the guy who turns into a wolf."

"A what?" Momiji asked for clarity.

"A wolf, with cold water." Misao said it all like it made perfect sense.

"How?" Momiji pressed.

"It's some kind of Chinese curse, I think." Misao was deliberately dodging now. "Something he picked up in his travels."

"How… interesting." Momiji said with a very terrifying tone.

"You're not going to dissect him are you?" Misao asked with a noticeable amount of worry.

"Dear, get those silly sci-fi ideas out of your head. Dissection means you can only analyze the subject once. Rather than killing outright it's better to keep him alive so we can observe any changes that result between samples. It's the only reason we tolerate those obnoxious Oni." Momiji explained, startling the hell out of their eavesdropper.

"Wait… they hate us?!" Ten wondered.

"Well sure, I can get him to you." Misao said after a minute to mull it over. "There's still the matter of the bill after all."

"Bill?" Momiji asked.

"For the apartment's repairs and all my stuff getting destroyed." Misao explained. "He had a chance to walk away and not suffer the consequences, but he didn't take it."

"My dear, you always do your best to remind me that we are indeed related." Momiji purred. "Oh! I know, how about we tack on the flight cost for Type 2 to the bill?"

"How much was it?" Misao asked, curious as to how much more damage it'd do to her enemies.

"The total sortie cost 82 million yen," Momiji replied.

Misao whistled, before she nodded. "Yeah, bury that bastard and his bitch in debt."

"That's my girl," Momiji said.

Whatever was to be said after that wasn't be heard by Ten, who finally pulled himself away from the window his eyes wet with frightened tears. Xeno… that word stuck out in his mind. It was something he had caught being whispered behind Lum's back and never put too much stock into it. But they were making something to fight aliens? Really? But…

Ten was still a small child. As such, he did not understand the dynamics of conqueror and the conquered. Nor could he grasp the feelings of those who had been forced to play nice to avoid certain annihilation. He wasn't able to understand anything as complicated as that.

However, he did understand the cycle of revenge well enough. Enough to know that if he caused trouble for that guy, then he could go running to these people, who seemed even more vindictive than he was! He also knew how much 82 million yen was (a whole flippin' lot!) and while he'd gladly wish such a debt unto his greatest enemy, he knew that his greatest enemy would share his misery with one of the people Ten cared for the most.

"I can't cause trouble for Lum!" Ten declared, a renewed purpose in his still watery eyes. "I won't let them hurt her because of me!"

Putting away the gum, Ten gradually made his way back down and inside the karaoke bar, his little legs kicking him through the air back to the booth that the others were in. Inside, Kosaku was on the stage, looking through the selection with Sister Angela. The nun had gone up onto the stage after enough prodding from the other girls, though she wasn't sure what she was going to sing along with Kosaku.

"Oh, did you find the bathroom okay, Ten?" Akane asked.

Ten looked down at the nice girl as Katie too looked up at him with a small smile reserved for the alien baby. "Well yeah, I did. I'm fine now."

He floated down, settling between Katie and Akane, who watched him before passing smiles to one another. He didn't complain or protest at all when Katie picked him up and sat him in her lap, though Lida did pass the alien child a furtive look.

"I can't believe I'm doing this…" Angela murmured. "I haven't done karaoke in years."

"But you still sing, don't you?" Kosaku asked.

"Well, in choir, but-"

"Then you'll be fine," Kosaku encouraged. "I'm sure everyone wants to hear how great you sound."

"How great I…?" Angela flushed. "Well if you think I'll sound good…"

"You'll sound great!" Katie offered.

"Yeah, give it a shot, Angela-san!" Akane encouraged.

"Sing! Sing!" Ten cheered.

Kosaku found the song he was looking for, and smiled. "Great, we can sing this one."

Angela looked at the screen, and then looked at him. "That song?"

"It's my favorite, and it has strong female vocals too, it's perfect," Kosaku said.

Angela gave the screen another awkward look, before she turned back to his smiling face and decided to smile back. As Ten settled on Katie's lap and watched the Nun agree with the boxer, he began to think to himself.

"He behaves himself… he's nice to people… and he even apologized… this is really why girls like guys like him, isn't it?" Ten reasoned to himself, before he nodded as if everything now made sense.

"This guy… is definitely a good one," Ten decided.

When the music started, Ten would soon learn how good of a person he was.

|A Fighting Hero|

As the music built up in the karaoke bar, kilometers away at Kolkhoz High School's Culinary Arts headquarters, thuds and crashes echoed through the hallways of the top floor of the building, paintings knocked off the walls, and ceilings and floors cracking as Ranma charged at Lalita with a flurry of blows that the maid furiously met with her own.

"ONE PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNCH!"

Breaking their clash, Lalita kicked off a wall, destroying a painting in the process and lunged after Ranma with a punch, which she evaded by jumping off the floor and to another wall. Unhindered, Lalita kicked off after her, pursuing her to the ceiling and then to the opposite wall. As she fell towards her opponent, Lalita was smiling ear to ear, an expression shared by Ranma as they met again.

"3, 2, 1, Fight back!"

The two clashed at incredible speed, their blows creating shockwaves of steam as they danced around one another to trade hits, before Ranma caught Lalita across the chest with a spin kick and launched her into the floor.

"Press on–prepared! Fight fair and square!"

As Lalita rose up from her skid, she found Ranma kicking off the ceiling to drive a flying kick into her. At the last second, the maid rolled out of the way and Ranma went through the floor.

"What's going on?! All of my foes are gone!"

Ranma's momentum carried her through the floor, through the pipes and cables under it then a wall and the infrastructure inside, then another floor and some more pipes, before she came out of the ceiling of the boxing ring and crashed into it, landing in a crouch.

"Let justice last–no questions asked!"

Ranma looked up through the debris and water cascading through the tunnel she just made, impressed as much at her destructive power as she was that she had somehow missed. Until she saw Lalita coming through the holes towards her.

"Give me the heart! Cut through the dark and wiiiiin!"

Smashing through the debris first and then the water, Lalita spun around, swinging off her hand some of the water that she passed through, turning it into a blade that Ranma flipped back to avoid as it slashed through the entire middle of the ring.

"Power! Get more Power!"

Even as the steam rose from the destroyed ring, Ranma and Lalita were jousting up the stairs of the ring's seats towards the VIP box, criss-crossing each other while trying to land a decisive blow.

"Adrenaline is flowing through my brain…!"

Lalita's teeth clenched tighter, her grin wild as she recoiled again from Ranma, only to kick off and attack again.

"Power! Get more power!"

Her punch met Ranma's kick, the explosion of steam and heat throwing the two back once more.

"With discipline and every hour that I've trained~!"

Landing after that rebound, Ranma actually laughed as she watched Lalita prepare to attack again, and rushed to meet her.

"HERO! The tallest mountain started as a stone!"

Their fists met once more, the floor smashing beneath them before they became blurs again, their fight this time going up the walls and to the ceiling, shattering the windows of the VIP lounge as the passed over it.

"I once was weak but now I've grown!"

After several more violent clashes across the ceiling the two separated and fell to the ring below, Ranma landing in one corner, and Lalita landing under the pouring water from the ceiling, atop a turnbuckle.

"HERO! I know, the weakness within is my greatest foe…!"

"You are incredible!" Lalita shouted. "I've never fought anyone as tough as you before, not once!"

Ranma wiped her mouth, as she panted for breath. "I'm honored!"

"Push on! The mortal man I used to be has died!"

Lalita then thrust her left hand up into the torrent of water, causing it to turn into four neat jets that fell away from her. "But now it's time to put this one to bed! Time to show you the real power of my fist!"

"There's gods inside my fists for this fight!"

"Eh?" Ranma readied herself, what was this? It looked pretty cool!

"HERO! I'll stay, until I taste the dirt of defeat someday!"

"Take this, the searing joy of battle… scalding hot!" Lalita shouted as she directed the streams all into her right hand and thrust it forward, sending a massive torrent of water that surged into and struck Ranma at full force, creating a massive cloud of steam.

"Unleash my fist, HERO!"

The water that cascaded off Ranma struck the stands behind him, and destroyed them, smashing through the walls behind them all the way outside.

"The loneliest, HERO!"

In the cloud of steam, Ranma stood tall, his arms raised over his head to protect from the full force of the the steam.

"I! I! I! I! I! I…!"

A blur then passed in front of him, and Ranma reacted properly turning and swinging a powerful roundhouse kick to counter Lalita's aimed for the side of his head.

"I WANNA BE THE STRONGEST HEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Their blows connected, creating one final explosion of force that banished the steam that surrounded them both, and caused the ring to further buckle around them.

Lowering her leg, Lalita staggered back, panting heavily. Ranma did the same, stumbling only two paces before he stopped himself.

"You… what…?" She asked, when she saw that the cute and curvy redhead girl had been replaced by a solid and handsome black-haired boy like magic. "Who are you?"

Ranma caught his breath and gestured to her. "It's complicated; I'm the same person, though."

Lalita regarded him warily, but didn't disbelieve him. She was the last person to dismiss magical phenomena what with her abilities, so she was pretty confident that a girl could somehow become a boy when hit with water.

It didn't make it any less startling. It did however explain how he could hit so hard. "You're just full of surprises aren't you?"

"Like you wouldn't believe." Ranma said, somewhat friendly despite the destructive battle that had just taken place. "I'd love to keep on with this, but the deadline is looming closer."

"Are you trying to get me to give up?" Lalita asked, a sharp smile on her features. "Because I wanna see just how much more you were forced to hold back by that gender switch."

"I'll have to write you a raincheck." Ranma said.

"And I should just take it why?" Lalita asked, getting into a fighting crouch despite her exhaustion. She didn't want this to end, damnit!

"Because you're a good martial artist and an aspiring cook, too." Ranma asked, rummaging around his clothes for his phone. "We're much alike, you and me."

"How did you…?" Lalita was confused by the accurate observation and relaxed.

"I just overheard a few things earlier," Ranma said, pulling out his phone and doing a few swipes and presses to get to what he wanted. "I was here for the entire conversation between you and the Frenchies."

"… So?" Lalita's guard remained lowered, but if he didn't get to the point, she was gonna belt him in that surprisingly handsome face of his.

"And well, I also listened in on what they said about you when they were done." Ranma said, as he held the phone out. "And recorded it, for posterity if nothing else."

Lalita's eyes widened. "What?!"

The fighting maid was over in a flash, almost ready to rip the phone from his hands. "What? What did they say? Was it good? Are they considering?!"

Ranma said nothing, he just pressed play. Let their own words damn them, as it were.

"… Letting that girl into a proper kitchen risks it becoming a disaster even she cannot clean up." The acerbic tone of Madame St. Paul was even worse than before.

"I couldn't agree more, I swear I could taste the curry on her hand." The grimace on Picolet's face could almost be heard through his words, stabbing right through Lalita's heart.

"To think that there are still people who do not know their rightful place in the world." The recording ended with Madam St. Paul's scathing remonstration.

Lalita recoiled from Ranma, the shock from betrayal all over her face. "No… that can't be…"

The forethought in recording them as he heard them speak was paying off extremely well, Ranma thought to himself, before he observe Lalita drop to her knees and punch the canvas.

"Those… those bastards," she hissed, "I came to work for them under the promise that I would make my way up to a cook…! And they… and they…!"

Ranma shrugged his shoulders. "Sorry that it had to be this way, but…"

She punched the canvas again. Ranma expected some kind of fire to come from the hit, but surprisingly there was none.

"How dare they?!" She shouted. "I don't even like curry!"

Ranma stopped. "You don't?"

"I absolutely hate it!" Lalita shouted, before she said in a more delicate tone. "Curry spice is just a bit too strong for my sensibilities, you see."

"Ah," Ranma replied.

Lalita went right back to raging. "AND THOSE RACIST BASTARDS THINK I TASTE LIKE IT?! I don't cook curry! I specialize in European Cuisine! It's what I've studied since I was a little girl!"

She pounded her fist several more times on the canvas. "To think that I had been so nice to them…"

"I don't think that's a bad thing." Ranma commented as he closed the recording app and put up his phone. "I've been in enough good kitchens to know that being a good person goes as far as being a good cook, and a bad kitchen will take advantage of that and ruin a good cook."

"Are you trying to butter me up or something?" Lalita snapped, on edge after getting shit on like that.

"No way, I'm just saying you shouldn't be mad at yourself for doing what anyone would do in your situation." Ranma said.

Lalita rose again, and folded her arms, looking pensive.

"This school won't teach you anything. The Culinary Arts program is a sham, there's too many students and not enough kitchens. This whole stupid arena takes up space better used for places to teach." Ranma took a look at the damage to the building around them. "Why is there even a boxing ring in here, anyway?"

Lalita had the answer. "This is for the fine dining martial arts program."

"The what?" Ranma asked.

"Glorified speed eating contest," Lalita explained and yet did not explain at the same time. "You're right, you know. For all the 'talk' of prestige, it all feels hollow when you're inside."

"This school's all shine and no spark," Ranma said before having "Not much structure either."

Lalita blew out a snort, as she watched another piece of concrete fall from the hole they'd made. "I guess not."

Ranma then gestured back up the hole made. "Well, if you want to get back at them, I do need a hand with something."

After hearing their mistreatment firsthand, and having such a fun fight with this intruder, Lalita had half a mind to burn the building down. "What do you need?"

"There's a server room in the main building of the school, and my boss needs access to it, the key's in that St. Paul lady's office."

Lalita nodded. "Behind the picture of Robespierre, right?"

"How do you know?" Ranma asked.

"She stashes all sorts of stuff in there," Lalita said. "And in hindsight, I suppose she would think I was dumb enough to not notice."

Lalita began walking towards the hole she made, gesturing for Ranma to follow behind her. "Come on, let's go get that stuff then."

Ranma smiled. Everything went as planned, and he still had time to spare.

In Lalita's head, all she could really think about was the gas mains in the building and opening them.

|Vault of Wonders|

"Pelt them until they beg for death!" Scorpion yelled, as his detachment of the Survival Game club, aimed at the pair of assassins and opened fired. To be certain, if they were run of the mill McDojo martial artists, the barrage of airsoft pellets would be a daunting wall of pain indeed.

However, the difference between the real martial artists and those who paid for being able to fight off muggers who watched too much TV was like night and day. Canard and his Darling simply flowed around wall of steel bearings like their bodies were made of water. The daunting pair who had claimed they would defeat the entire group of enemies before simply came to a rest ever so slightly ahead of the dispensed ammo, as if they simply time skipped past them.

"Oh?" Ryoko asked, intrigued at their speed.

"Don't just ooh and aah you little brat!" Scorpion hollered, slapping the closest member within arms reach of himself upside the head. "Aim better you lugs!"

"Now, now, that won't help you at all!" Canard declared, producing a pair of steel fans, launching a twin wave of wind that almost bowled over the entire group.

"What the hell?!" Scorpion shouted, covering his face to try and see through the impossible windstorm.

"Darling, now!" Canard ordered.

"Yes, my love!" His Darling answered, twirling the tonfa in her hands, before she burst into motion. As Survivalist Club students struggled against the wind, she rode it into them, slamming her right tonfa on the head one student and vaulting over them to clock another with her left tonfa.

When another club member aimed an airsoft shotgun at her, she kicked the weapon out of her hand and spun at her to hit her with both weapons, hitting several other students in the process on top of that.

Ending her spin, she swept into a bow before she sprang into the air and ran across the heads of several more students before she spun and landed in the middle of the group. An instant later, the same students were flung in every direction, as if a bomb had gone off in the middle of the group.

"Gah…!" A student shouted. "It's like she hit us with a hundred clubs at once…!"

Several of the students managed to fire back at the attacking woman, but their shots met only air once more. She was simply moving far too fast for them to get a reliable bead on her. The buffeting blasts of wind from Canard did not help matters in the least.

"How fascinating, are they aliens?" Ryoko asked, intrigued.

"You might want to do something about them before they make good on their vow to execute you!" Scorpion said, less out of concern for the girl and more out of not wanting to fall fighting for someone who was just going to watch this like a TV show.

"Oh? Well ok~!" Ryoko said brightly, as she reached into her uniform. "Does pineapple go well with duck?"

"How the he-" Scorpion, who did not know the meaning of the word Canard, started to remonstrate her for the weird comment when he saw she was pulling the pin and tossing a frag grenade often called a "pineapple" by those that use them.

"Catch~!" She called to Canard as the grenade fell into the middle of the crowd of fighting students who saw it and its rapidly cooking fuse.

The Survivalist Club Students all began to scramble away, managing just to escape the blast. It was rather large and made a good amount of noise and some rubble, but it appeared that once more, their opponents were just too fast for such things.

"What the fuck are they?" Scorpion yelled from his position a good thirty feet away.

"I'll tell you what we are not," Canard returned jovially. "Something you can beat with such silly weapons."

"Would something stronger work?" Ryoko asked as she reached into her dress for something more powerful.

"Sorry but it's time you exited the stage." Canard said, suddenly appearing in front of Ryoko with his left fan closed to bash her lights out.

A wave of airsoft fire sought to spoil the strike, but the man simply deflected the attacks with his right fan.

"Get away from here you crazy idiot!" Scorpion yelled as he rushed to intervene, more to get a hit on the assassin than actually fight, only to find himself tripped by the "horse" Ryoko rode upon and pushed straight towards Canard with a bundle of dynamite strapped onto his back. "H-huh?!"

"Your sacrifice won't be in vain!" Ryoko called as her "horse" rapidly sprinted away from what was going to be ground zero.

Darling appeared from the fog of everyone's thought to roughly seize the dynamite away to dispose of that danger. It quickly went up into the air and exploded brightly in the sky, scattering more of the students… who certainly did not sign up for playing with real explosives.

"Run away! Run away!" One boy shouted.

"This is insane!" Another yelled.

"This girl is insane," Canard observed as they watched the horse-costume riding girl circle around the chaos.

"No kidding!" Scorpion muttered, before several more grenades landed near them and Darling.

"Quick, hold him right there!" Ryoko shouted to Scorpion, from her horseback.

"Damn!" Scorpion yelped as Canard scattered the explosives away.

As they exploded around them, the ground rumbling from the explosions, Scorpion turned to face Ryoko, only to be find himself staring down the barrel of a bazooka she was aiming at him. "Oh."

"Say goodbye!" Ryoko said as she fired the rocket, which Canard watched approach almost like he were in a trance, before he suddenly swung down and cut the missile in half with a katana stored inside his sleeve, the two halves of the missile spiralling off and exploding behind them.

He wouldn't have been able to do that, were his eyes unrepaired.

Ryoko quickly brought her hands together in applause at the feat. "You are a daring man. Say, will you court me?"

"Sorry, but I already belong him," she then heard before she looked back and saw Canard's Darling crouched on the horse, aiming a can of spray at her face.

When Darling hit the spray trigger, Ryoko held up a thick paper fan to block it. "My many apologies, I did not know. Please take this as a token of my admiration for your love!"

When she lowered the fan she was gone, in her place a large black ball bomb with the fuse burning down into it. Darling was already gone before it exploded violently. Landing, Darling landed next to Canard, as debris and a fake horse head rained down next to them.

There was no immediate sign of Ryoko, had she vanished? Darling looked to Canard. "She's escaped?"

Canard scanned the area. "I don't see her, but let's not dwell too much."

"Well, time for the cleanup of the witnesses?" Darling asked, drawing her tonfa again.

"The only thing you'll be cleaning up is your blood after I splatter you all over the pavement!" Scorpion promised, finding purchase to bring his airsoft minigun to bear.

"We save you from that monster and this is the thanks you give us?" Canard asked.

"It's not that I'm ungrateful, in fact this is all of my gratitude!" Scorpion shouted as he spun up the minigun.

"Follow my lead?" Canard asked.

"Always." Darling answered, before the pair became blurs away from the storm of steel bearings flying at them.

Meanwhile, inside the main building, Nabiki was almost annoyed but more relieved to see a once-again female Ranma come trotting in with the key in his hand and a spring in his step. "Ah, that was the best… not as crazy as the fireworks outside, but it's up there."

"You're almost late." Nabiki complained, before noticing that Ranma was a guy again. "When'd you go man again?"

"I got a quick hot shower thanks to that unexpected distraction," Ranma said with a shrug. "It's not much of a worry though, we're cool now."

"… It was a girl wasn't it?" Nabiki asked with a flat look.

Ranma just gave her that smile that told her there was nothing she'd do about it. "Of course; I'm irresistible."

Out of consideration of Sasuke, he lowered his voice and whispered to Nabiki. "You should know that, right?"

Nabiki's ears turned a bright red while the clueless ninja simply went on with business. "Young Master Ranma, you have the key right?"

Ranma held it up. "Of course my good man! Snagged some interesting swag from Culinary department head's personal stash, too."

Going over that would prove rather interesting, given the sneak peeks Ranma took along with Lalita.

"Good deal." Nabiki said, leading them over to the door into the Vault that held Kolkhoz's server room. "It's all big and fancy and shit, but you know, they still have problems with leaving things in the hands of people who would be better served not being brought into things."

"It doesn't haven't to be all that much to find in here." Ranma said, with a shrug. "We just need to piss everyone else at school off to the point they wanna smash this place to dust."

"Well, if we get proof that we can wave in front of their faces," Nabiki said, thinking heavily on the ramifications. "Shit, I'll break my foot off in Saginomiya's ass personally."

The image that invoked was both adorably hilarious and arousing. "God, I want to see that." Ranma admitted.

"See if Izland wants to go Xeno fishing instead." Nabiki said, giving him a little devious smile. "I'll be sure to dress for the occasion and everything."

"Don't you threaten me with a good time." Ranma warned her.

"Ahem, can we go into the room now?" Sasuke asked with a hopeful look.

They had the decency to look ashamed.

"Yes, sorry Sasuke." Nabiki apologized as she inserted both keys, entered the password, and turned them. The left counter clockwise, and the right clockwise at once.

There was a sliding of metal and clanking of gears, before the heavy iron vault door slid upward, revealing a long oval-shaped room filled with servers and frostily cold air. The central hub of the immense school campus' network and storage of all matter of documents pertaining to the school, from attendance records to test scores. A daunting sight, if any had been seen before.

Nabiki let out a hum and began walking in. "Well, well, well… we're in, boys."

Sasuke sighed in relief, and followed her and Ranma into the vault. The chilly air bit at them, but their stealthy attire was fortunately comfortable enough to ward it off. Striding confidently, Nabiki's eyes scanned the terminals flanking her.

"This is a fantastic setup, terabytes and terabytes of data just ours for the taking," Nabiki replied as she walked up to the end of the servers to her right.

"Yeah," Ranma agreed as he watched literally watched Nabiki's back, his eyes wandering downward. "Fantastic…"

His eyes darted back up when she turned towards him, and found she was watching him. Her face was a tad red, she smirked at him. "You're free to look all you like."

"Ahem!" Sasuke said with a quick clearing of his throat.

Nabiki nodded and got to work, producing from her bag a laptop and a USB cable, which she quickly connected to the server. "Yeah, yeah, relax. It shouldn't take me long to get this taken care of."

As she began to type, she noticed a rumble from outside, followed by a few more. "Geez, what's going on out there?"

Ranma turned towards the door. "Should I go help out?"

"Nah," Nabiki said, "In case something happens you should stay in here."

"Besides which, Mistress Kodachi was most clear that we are to stay here." Sasuke pointed out. "It's best we not deviate from the plan, else she might be forced to assault you to keep up appearances and such."

Ranma hummed. "Well, all right then. Sooner we get this done, sooner we can leave and begin to sift through the haul."

"The encryption is pretty good, prolly best you can buy legally in fact." Nabiki commented, as she began to try and access everything. "That means a good eighty percent of the means I'd use to try and get in will be useless."

Ranma smirked. "I'm sensing a but."

Nabiki gave him a look. "Anyways, point is, most security companies expect flashy overt password is swordfish style hacking where sirens blare and the world is on the edge of their seat. But, if you understand just a smidge about computer security, you can easily bypass that."

"And you do?" Sasuke asked.

"Not a clue." Nabiki admitted. "Best I can do with a computer is get people to view gross out sites. But I have people... people with skills that will get us through this easily."

"So you got someone to make a hacking program for you?" Ranma asked, shaking his head as he ignored another series of rumbles.

Nabiki smiled in a way that made Sasuke wonder if she had been a shark in a previous life. "Bingo. Of course, I'll just jack in and hit the go button and we can begin to twiddle our thumbs while it works."

"Good deal." Ranma said, looking around the vault. "It'll be nice not having to do much else."

Sasuke was still a little lost. "So hacking is...?"

"A bunch of programs slowly breaking into the system while you watch and make sure you haven't gotten kicked." Nabiki said with a sad smile. "It's so much cooler in anime honestly."

"So's a lot of things." Ranma said, laughing a little. "Though I shouldn't talk."

"Quite." Nabiki and Sasuke said at the same time.

They went quiet after that, allowing Nabiki's laptop to do its job.

|If Only We Had Thorns Like a Thistle|

Out in the schoolyard, Scorpion was laughing loudly as his airsoft minigun tore apart bushes and sent other students rushing for sturdier cover. However, as amusingly destructive as it all was, the Survival Game Club's Captain was proving to be only an effective defoliant, as Canard and his Darling effortlessly stayed out of his stream.

In fact, his zeal to hit either of them caused for his own concerns of hitting his own classmates to vanish. This had the effect of preventing any of those classmates from supporting him when his targets brought his stream of fire to bear upon them.

"Hold still you shitheads!" Scorpion bellowed with another laugh as he swept the weapon the other way, to attempt to hit Darling as she offered herself as a perfect target. "Atta girl! Hahahahaha!:

This proved to be "Scorpion" Ryotaro's undoing, as the complete lack of supporting fire left him completely open to Canard, who rushed straight to his open back and detached the belt feed to his backpack. An instant later, ball bearings that would've been going into the masked man's companion were spilling around his feet.

"Ahahahahah…!" the rapid clicking of his airsoft minigun no longer firing caused the large man to stop and look down in surprise at his sabotaged weapon. He only had an instant to look down and see the detached feed, before he looked up again to see Darling's beautifully toned leg swinging to his face.

With an echoing "WHACK!" the muscular student was kicked across the face and spun around to face Canard, who himself whirled around and struck him across the face with his swan-shaped training potty. The much stronger blow turned him around to face Darling again as she completed a somersault kick, which connected with his chin and threw him up off his feet.

He barely got two meters off the ground when a grappling claw on the end of a rope clamped onto his face, and with a mighty yank Canard pulled the still accelerating Scorpion into an arc that sent him face first into the ground with enough force to bury him to his waist.

Releasing the rope, Canard turned gracefully and took his Darling's hand, turning her and dipping her dramatically, as if they'd just completed a dance rather than a brutal fight. After a moment of wordlessly staring at one another, they rose, and Mousse scanned the area.

"She's been driven off," Mousse said.

"I know her," Kodachi said from behind her pulled up facemask. "She's likely gone to pay me back for this little surprise. Though it'll likely involve her visiting my brother instead."

"Will he be all right?" Mousse asked.

"She will merely antagonize him and complain about me; it won't be anything he can't handle, even in his condition."

"I feel more sorry for anyone who attempts to stop her," Mousse admitted.

The two turned and found that a few of the more dedicated Survival Club Students had regrouped, and were aiming their weapons at them. However, this effort lasted barely more than a moment, as one student quickly pointed off away from them.

"Look! The Culinary Arts building!" The student shouted.

Kodachi and Mousse both looked with the students, who found themselves overcome with shock as great gouts of flame began to break the windows of the Culinary Arts building. A tremendous fire was ripping through the massive building, quickly consuming everything within it as the fire suppression systems, disabled with a touch of heat, allowed it to go unabated.

Surprised herself at the intensity of the fire, Kodachi looked towards the front of the building and saw a figure at the front steps. Despite near searing intensity of the fire, a maid solitary maid stood unharmed by the flames. In her hands she was carrying a pair of suitcases, and on her back an even larger case strapped to her back.

The maid appeared to stare right back at her and Mousse, before a wave of fire erupted from the open doors from something exploding inside the building. When the flames passed, the maid was gone without a trace.

More explosions of flame broke from the culinary arts building then, as the students either ran away from the fire or quickly took off to seek some kind of help. In the chaos, Mousse and Kodachi looked to one another, and quickly left to go to the rendezvous.

Far away from the mayhem, in a posh dorm building's common room, there was a Student Council Meeting underway. It was a smaller meeting, minus a few who could not attend due to other commitments such as the mayhem going on outside. Still, those who were necessary for the meeting were all present and that really was important.

"Our Kingdom has begun to burn," Sousuke said, standing over a tray of sake cups. "Here it is; how the game really begins."

"And ends," Soichiro seated nearby, said, "If the plan has gone like it should, then this will be only a glimpse of what's to come."

"It is nothing so maudlin, just logical progression" Mikado said, reclining in his chair and brooding, "The old nobility is playing its stupid games and they're going to prove too expensive this time."

"Oui," Picolet said, having ditched Madam St. Paul to make it here. He stood at the opposite corner of the window from Sousuke, looking the picture of composure despite the light of the flames dancing across his white suit. "We have given them the fatted calf to feast upon, and feast they shall."

In the vault, Nabiki turned back towards her laptop, and was surprised to see the encryption cracking and falling away, leaving her presented to scores and scores of academic records right off the bat.

"Hey," she called to Ranma and Sasuke, "I'm already in."

Ranma nodded. "That was quick."

"I love technology," Nabiki said as she decided to take a quick peek at what exactly Kodachi was looking for.

Sousuke left the window, and began handing out the cups. "A toast, boys, to the war."

Each of the four boys took a cup, holding it aloft with practiced reverence.

"The end of peaceful days," Soichiro said artlessly, "And the end of boredom."

Mikado agreed, nodding firmly. "To the end of Furinkan High School, and to Kolkhoz High School. May they burn brightly."

"In the flames of the darkest hell," Sousuke said before looking towards Picolet. "What say you, oh Vice President?"

His face emotionless and his gaze locked upon the distant fire, Picolet lightly stirred the sake in his cup, the liquid barely teasing the edge of the rim thanks to a steady hand.

"Only that we spare a tear or two for Asuka. She is our beautiful sacrifice after all."

Sousuke let out a small laugh then, before holding up his cup. "To our sacrifice."

"To the battle!" Soichiro said, gesturing to the sky with his cup.

"To our glory!" Mikado said.

"To the fallen." Picolet said.

Together, they all said. "To the bitter end!"

The toasting done, the four drank from their cups, before smashing them against the floor.

Ranma jolted upright when he heard Nabiki's fist smash against the server, the stack of CPUs wobbling from the deceptively strong blow. Both he and Sasuke gave pause when they saw her trembling, her entire body overcome with tremors of an emotion that she so rarely openly displayed even to her own family.

"Hey, what is it?" Ranma asked.

"We need… to go back to Furinkan," Nabiki said, her voice eerily calm despite her uncharacteristic act of violence. Her eyes were still locked upon the laptop, like everything in the world that pissed her off had just manifested on its screen.

Ranma walked closer, and looked at what Nabiki was so upset over. Seeing it, he immediately became confused.

"Wait a minute," he said, "Why would Kolkhoz High School have this?"

On the screen was the image of an entrance examination. The marks were all completely perfect, as expected of any student seeking to enter a school of such prestige.

The name on the test, however, was Tendo Nabiki.


A/N: Moving it right along.