Chapter 49:
Nick
"You shouldn't be behind the bar." I smile as I feel a pair of hands clasp themselves over my eyes, immediately retracting at my words.
"How did you know that was me?" Carla exclaims as I turn around to face her.
"Well I'd be a bit worried if it was Daniel or Robert." I frown and she shrugs, leaning up against the counter and eyeing up the wine in front of her. "Uh, excuse me, you're a customer, that side please."
"Make me." She bites her lip playfully. "Customer. You'll have me giving you tips next."
"You don't even pay the bill." I grin. "Never mind tips."
"Joint bank account baby, what's yours is mine and all that." She points out and I raise my eyebrows. "That's not quite the saying, is it?"
"No but it's very true." I laugh and she slaps me lightly. "Drink? Or are you going to serve yourself?"
"Glass of that." She narrows her eyes, pointing to a bottle of red wine. "Malbec."
"Mm." I nod, taking it off the shelf and pouring her out a glass. She takes it from me, looking down at it and then back at me. "Remind you of anything?"
"Always." She smiles in recollection, before taking a sip.
"You'll put customers off being behind here." I tease her and she shoots me a look. "I'll have to get you kitted out in waitress gear again."
"I'd like to see you try." She scoffs. "Anyway, what do you mean put them off? You once told me that I was very attractive window dressing around this place."
"Yeah except now you're my window dressing." I remind her and she looks amused at my comment, chewing the edge of her glass as she watches me.
"You so wanted me that night." She whispers, a slightly seductive tone to her voice.
"Got you in the end." I respond, unable to keep the smile off my face.
"Haha, you're not denying it." She laughs, as I turn my head to see Bethany approaching the bar.
"No, you're not having any kind of alcoholic beverage." I tell her before she can even open her mouth.
"I'm eighteen in two weeks." She mutters, staring down at the counter. "You can't stop me then."
"Well aren't you in a delightful mood?" I raise my eyebrows and she looks up at me, sullenly.
"This time last year I was burned with a cigarette, then drugged and raped by three random strangers." The words fall out of her mouth, quietly and I freeze, immediately shocked by her response. "Forgive me if I'm not skipping around laughing and joking."
"Bethany-" I begin, trying to keep my tone calm at what I had just been hit with.
"Anyway, look I know you're on maternity leave." She turns to Carla, who looks equally as devastated by her words. "But we need your signature on here. It's the McKnees contract. Johnny said it's because you initially evaluated it or something-"
"Why don't me and you go and sit down over there and have a chat?" Carla suggests, her voice surprisingly gentle and reassuring.
"I'm working." Bethany responds, bluntly, holding the contract out.
"For your boss. Who's sat here." She points to herself, smiling comfortingly. "Please?"
"...I don't really want to talk in public." She mumbles and Carla nods understandingly.
"Right ok." Carla downs the wine in her hand. "Home it is then, come on."
"Carla?" I call after her, not even knowing why and she turns, waiting for my response. "...I love you."
"Love you." She blows me a kiss before linking Bethany's arm and exiting the Bistro. I lean up against the bar, trying to process the words I had heard, wishing I had been here to protect her. I was always in the wrong place at the wrong time. I hated myself for it.
Carla
"Wine?" Bethany raises an eyebrow, as I sit down opposite her, handing her the glass.
"Like you say, you're eighteen in two weeks." I shrug, folding my legs beneath me. "You look like you could do with it."
"...Yeah." She lowers her head, taking a sip from her glass and I reach for her hand, which she instantly tears away from me, looking shocked.
"Oh God... Sorry." I apologise, feeling stupid for making any sort of contact. I knew exactly how that felt, when thoughts were reeling in your head and the slightest bit of contact makes you panic. "Sorry... That was stupid of me."
"No, it's not your fault." She sighs, looking embarrassed by her actions. "You were trying to be nice."
"I remember..." I pause, debating whether it would make the situation better or worse if I relayed her the story. "When I had this meeting with a client, shortly after he happened. He put his hand on his leg and I just completely freaked out. I'm sorry, I should have known."
"It was a year ago, I should be over it." She shrugs, avoiding my gaze.
"It's almost seven years ago for me." I reply. "I'm not over it. Never will be."
"...It's weird, sometimes I'll be fine... And Craig will play with my hair or stroke my arm and it won't even phase me." She tells me. "But then other times, even the slightest brush of his fingers against my skin and that's it, I panic, jump up. It upsets him, I can tell, even though he denies it."
"It's natural." I assure her and she finally meets my gaze. "...I don't want to mention it, if it's gonna make things worse. I mean, I brought you here to try and cheer you up, not upset you even more."
"...I don't usually like to talk about it." She lowers her voice, as if someone was going to overhear us. "But it's different with you... You get it."
"...Bethany, what you went through." I sigh, closing my eyes momentarily and not wanting to think about something so evil happening to somebody so sweet and innocent. "Is unimaginable... I'm just glad they're all behind bars. They can't hurt you again. They're gone. For good."
"I know." She nods, finally meeting my gaze. "It doesn't stop the memories though, or the nightmares, or the panic attacks... It doesn't stop me thinking about how this time last year, I was the most lost and terrified I had ever felt... When my head was pounding from whatever was mixed with my drink and the first time I'd felt that stinging sensation on my arm... Then the door closed... And they all just... Pounced on me. All three of them. Grown men. Like I was just a piece of meat... And I just remember thinking 'why', and wanting it to stop, wishing more than anything I was at home with mum, when she'd wrap the blanket around both of us and stick some cheesy film on the television. I kept trying to think about these things, to imagine I wasn't there, and to pretend they weren't tearing at my clothes, ripping my dress, fighting over me... But none of it worked, because I was scared and it was happening and... They all... Raped me."
"I'm so sorry." I whisper, fighting back tears because it wasn't my turn to cry. She glances at the wall, allowing tears to silently slide down her cheeks.
"...It's never going to end is it?" She looks back at me, wishing for me to say the words that I couldn't. "I'm going to remember that all of my life... Aren't I?" She drags a hand across her face, trying to clear her tears.
"They'll dull." I murmur, trying to give her some kind of reassurance, at the same time as staying truthful to her. "...You'll learn to overcome it... But it won't go away."
"I feel bad." She suddenly looks back at me, her eyes widening slightly. "I haven't even asked how Alfie is."
"You don't need to." I reply, smiling slightly. "You've got bigger, much bigger things to worry about."
"I haven't had a chance to talk to you properly about it... I didn't think you'd really be up to visitors to begin with." She worries and I put my glass down on the table, as she reaches forward to take my hand in hers. I gently graze my finger over the back of it, meeting her gaze.
"You know you and your brother are so special to me." I admit and she looks touched. "And trust me, when I first got to know the gobby teenager who ate chips in the street and wound me up about her uncle, I never thought I'd be saying that... And Alfie's going to be lucky to have you as a cousin. I mean that."
Nick
I open the door hesitantly, not wanting to interrupt anything, but to my surprise Bethany is already by the door, putting her coat on. I stare at her for a moment and she gives me an awkward smile.
"I'm sorry for what I said." She mumbles, looking almost guilty.
"You don't need to apologise for anything." I assure her and she smiles, before holding her arms out to hug me. I return her embrace, kissing the side of her head and holding her protectively for a moment. "I'd kill him. But he's locked away so, you're safe. You're safe with us, ok?"
"I know." She pulls away, staring up at me. She looked a lot more stable now that she had spent some time with Carla. I didn't know how she did it, but that woman really was a miracle worker sometimes. "I'd better get back. Aidan will be moaning on."
"Well tell him from me, he can get over it." Carla calls over to her from the sofa. "Else I'll break his highlighter pens."
"I'll send him your love." Bethany grins, looking back at me. "See you uncle Nicky."
"See you kid." I hold the door open for her and she smiles appreciatively before leaving, allowing me to close it behind her. I stand, staring at the closed door for a moment, before a pair of arms wrap around my neck.
"You ok?" Carla whispers and I nod, before turning to look at her, her hands interlinked in the same position. "She's lucky to have you."
"She's lucky to have you." I mutter, dipping my head. "I can't do anything to help her."
"Don't beat yourself up." She tilts a hand under my chin, raising my head so our eyes meet. "You couldn't have known, sweetheart. Not even Sarah or David knew, and it was happening right under their noses."
"It makes me feel sick." I shake my head and she studies me, letting me get my feelings out. "How men can just do that... To her, to you..."
"And then there's men like you." She nudges her nose against mine, kissing me gently. "Who care, and love, and are so gentle..."
"I wouldn't be anything else." I whisper, her eyes flickering closed before looking back into mine. She swallows, our lips inches from one another.
"Come to bed with me." She murmurs, and I don't even respond with some kind of comment about how it could be too soon, or pull away, or even show any recognition of surprise at her request. "You'll be gentle... I'm ready, I promise."
"We'll go at your pace." I reply, quietly, kissing her softly and she returns it, romantically kissing my lower lip. I pick her up, carrying her upstairs to the bedroom, laying her down carefully on the bed and watching as her hair fans out beneath her, her sea green eyes searching mine. She was the most beautiful, precious human being I had ever known. I would stop at nothing to protect her. I dip my head close to hers, watching not to press my body down on top of her too much, supporting myself so I can just take in her face. I reach my hand out, gently pushing a piece of hair behind her ear, grazing my thumb over her cheekbone, a small, meaningful and appreciative smile showing on my face. "You are so perfect."
"So are you." She whispers, staring up at me before she pulls me closer to kiss her. It was such an affectionate embrace, sweet and soft. She smiles as I kiss her, holding my hand to her cheek, her hands falling into my hair, where they close and open now and again, to reassure herself. Her hands move to my shirt, effortlessly unbuttoning it without even needing to look, and she pulls it open, placing her palm flat against my chest.
Within minutes we have subtly undressed one another, and I break the kiss to look down at her once again, ensuring she was confident for me to continue. The look on her face says it all, and she traces a finger along my jawline, smiling up at me as I very carefully guide myself into her, erasing the pain and building the love.
Carla
"You alright?" I feel Nick kiss my neck affectionately as his arms wrap around my waist.
"Mm." I hum, as his fingers play with the buttons on his shirt that I was wearing, from behind. He plants a kiss onto my neck, smoothing my hair back and I turn to face him, our eyes meeting. "Did you want tea or not?"
"I'm not fussed." He laughs slightly and I place my thumb against his chin as I often did when I couldn't help myself. "Was that alright for you?"
"More than." I nod, soaking up his care and attentiveness.
"It didn't hurt?" He checks and I smile, kissing him again.
"No." I murmur into his skin. "Stop worrying."
"That's hard when I've never felt like this about anybody." He whispers and I watch as his eyes meet mine, the smile spreading further across my face as I blush, dipping my head.
"I thought this faded, when we became parents." I tell him and he kisses my forehead. "Apparently not."
"I don't think this will ever fade, babe." He assures me.
"Well good." I return, my hands playing with his hair absentmindedly. "Shouldn't you be at work?"
"Aren't you glad I'm not?" He grins and I bite my lip gently.
"So... What is this? A lazy afternoon?" I guess, searching his expression. "You going to treat me to take-away and all?"
"Why don't you treat me to take-away?" He teases me. "You own a business and all."
"Ok then." I pout slightly as he smoothes down the collar of his shirt, around my neck. "What do you want?"
"I'm joking, baby." He runs his fingers through my hair. "Besides, you said yourself; what's yours is mine, even though you got it the wrong way around."
"Sounds better that way though." I kiss him. "So, tea?"
24th May
Nick
"Happy anniversary." I greet as I enter the living room, my eyes falling upon where Carla was sat in the arm chair, staring into space. I hold out a small rectangular gift and she turns to face me, frowning as if trying to process the two words I had just thrown at her.
"Huh?" She finally acknowledges me, my eyes darting to the mug of coffee in her hand, before back to her.
"Happy anniversary." I repeat, already knowing she had forgotten and not caring in the slightest. "Wedding anniversary... Two years..."
"We celebrate that?" She narrows her eyes and I have to admit, it wasn't the response I was expecting. I had my whole speech lined up about how it didn't matter and we would have plenty more to come. But it didn't seem like I'd need to use it. "Since when?"
"Well... Most married couples do." I point out. "We did last year in Devon, remember?"
"Oh yeah..." She trails off. "And then we came back here the next day, and I drank myself into oblivion out of self-loathing and guilt. As I did this time two years ago. Still, I guess some things don't change, ey?"
"I think a lot has changed since last year." I remind her, waving the present in her face which she reluctantly takes from me.
"I haven't got you anything." She responds, not seeming bothered in the slightest. "Not even a card."
"That's ok." I manage a weak smile and she studies me for a moment.
"Yeah, it's not though, is it?" She sighs, beginning to unwrap it and pulling out the black leather box, opening it up to find the earrings I had bought her. "I don't need any more jewellery."
"...Ok, sorry." I cant help feeling slightly hurt after spending about an hour in the Precinct the other day trying to find something that would make her smile. "I can take them back."
"No... They're beautiful." She closes her eyes momentarily, as if trying to drag herself out of the depressive mood she was in. "Nick, honestly they're gorgeous. Thank you."
"I've got the receipt if you want to take them back?" I offer.
"I said they're fine." She snaps slightly and I back away, staring at her worn down expression before retreating to the kitchen. I proceed to make myself a cup of coffee, before a pair of arms wrap around my waist and kisses are placed repetitively on my ear. "I'm so sorry."
"Mm." I smile, fending her off before turning around and observing her innocent expression. "Guess what?"
"I'm forgiven?" She asks cutely and I raise my eyebrows.
"You know you are." I kiss her briefly.
"Happy anniversary." She mumbles apologetically. "They're really beautiful, honestly thank you so much... I bet you spent ages picking them out and all."
"I did." I nod and she looks guilty. "I'm sorry, I know you've got a lot of jewellery."
"Don't apologise." She slaps me lightly on the arm. "I'll get you something special."
"Oh yeah." I raise my eyebrows and she sighs, briefly lowering her head into my chest before taking my hands in hers. "You've just given me a son, you don't need to get me anything else."
"Let me take you out?" She begs, looking at me longingly. "Anywhere you like?"
"Yes well right now the only place we are going to, is the hospital." I remind her. "So are you ready?"
"Yeah." She slumps back against the wall and I watch her for a moment.
"Smile." I kiss her briefly and she manages a weak one. "Come on."
"Hi." Daisy, one of the nurses looking after Alfie greets us as soon as we enter the room. "How are you both?"
"Top of the world." Carla mutters sarcastically and I put an arm around her shoulders. She pauses for a second before heading past us and over to Alfie's cot. "Oh, is he off the ventilator?"
"Has been for an hour now." She informs us, as I follow her over. "He's doing really well. We're monitoring him closely, don't worry."
"Mm." Carla just mumbles, stroking her finger across his hand and sighing, leaning her head against the glass. "Open your eyes... Do you reckon he recognises my voice?"
"Yeah." I kiss the side of her head, watching as she stares down at him, longingly.
"Do you want to hold him?" Daisy asks us and Carla's head snaps around in shock. My heart stops beating momentarily and we both try to process the words she has just said.
"What?" Carla blurts out.
"Whilst he's off the ventilator, it's the perfect opportunity." She explains. "But if you don't feel you're ready..."
"Not ready?" Carla's voice cracks. "I've been ready the second I found out I was pregnant... I... Are you being serious?"
"I'll just go and let them know." She gives us a reassuring smile before disappearing and I can feel Carla shaking next to me.
"Hey, relax." I whisper, rubbing my hand up and down her back and she stares at him, her eyes wide. "You look so shocked."
"I am." She swallows, staring at me. "I am shocked." I nod understandingly, as Daisy reappears, fiddling with a few cords and monitors before gently picking him up out of the cot. Carla practically falls back into the chair and my breath catches in my throat. Daisy passes Alfie over hesitantly, as Carla holds her shaking arms out, gasping as she holds him for the first time. She bursts into tears, which I was expecting, but I wasn't expecting me to do so as well. I sit down next to her, wrapping my arm around her shoulders, watching as she rocks him steadily, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Oh my..." She stammers, grazing her finger across his cheek and he opens his eyes momentarily, staring up at her. "Hi..." She bites her lip, and I stroke my finger across his head, feeling the softness of the little hair he had beneath my skin.
"This is the most amazing thing..." I try to stop myself from crying and she nods, unable to tear her eyes away from him.
"He's so warm." She murmurs, leaning down to kiss his forehead and I melt as she does so. "...He smells like babies..."
"Mad that." I smile through tears, doing the same and breathing in his scent. This was the most incredible thing I had ever experienced. I had never felt so many emotions wash over me at once.
"I'm holding my baby..." Carla gasps in disbelief, and I observe how she so naturally supports his head, she didn't need any sort of demonstration, she could do it automatically. She was a mum. "Weeks... Years..."
"Hey look." I point to where he is staring up at her and she continues to cry more, tears pouring down her cheeks and I smile, wiping them away and kissing the side of her head.
"Hi." She whispers to him. "You're beautiful, do you know that? We're going to look after you. No matter what, everything's going to be alright. I promise you."
"Do you want to try feeding him?" Daisy approaches us again and Carla swallows, staring back up at her, eyes wide. I watch her nod slowly, connoting her fear to only me. This was a huge thing for her and something she had longed to do with both Lauren and Alfie. I move my hand up and down her arm supportively, as Daisy helps her to unbutton her top.
"You ok?" I whisper and Carla gulps, managing another small nod. She moves his head closer to her nipple and her face falls for a minute as she tries to work out how to feed him.
"Just relax." Daisy tells her and she closes her eyes momentarily, before I notice him start to gently suck on her.
"Oh my God." Carla's eyes fly open, a look of shock and excitement overcoming her expression.
"See." I plant kisses into her hair, not removing my gaze from where he was feeding from her. I had never felt so happy in my life. The woman I loved more than anything was feeding our son and it was the bond she had longed to have for so long, the most beautiful thing in the world. "See, you're doing it. I told you."
"You did." She mumbles through tears, unable to stop smiling. "Feels weird."
"Good weird?" I trace my fingers through her hair.
"Very good weird." She manages a small laugh, looking down at him feeding from her at last. "...Look, I'm doing it."
"You're doing amazing." I reassure her, stroking my thumb over his head again and watching his eyes flutter closed contently. "Look how relaxed he is."
"Mm." She nods. "It's all tingly... And soft. Does that make sense? Do you think he knows who I am now? He automatically knew who I was... Didn't he?"
"You're his mum, he knows that." I chuckle slightly into her hair at her persistent questioning. "This is something only you and him have. How mad is that?"
"And you." She points out, as he pulls away from her, his eyes opening again and she turns her head to look at me. "Hold your son."
"What?" I stupidly release, instantly nervous beyond belief.
"Here." She lifts him slightly and I retract my arm from around her, as she lowers him into my arms. I feel a sudden warm sensation as I hold him close to my chest, unable to take my eyes away from him. This is the feeling I had longed for, for as long as I could remember. Whilst Sarah and David were having children, I'd craved to understand what that felt like to hold your baby for the first time, to be a dad. Now I knew. "Mm..." She sighs contently, nestling her head into my shoulder after doing the buttons back up on my shirt. "Cute... How does it feel?"
"...Uh." I try to think of a word to summarise it and she laughs into my shoulder, tracing her finger along my cheek. "Wow."
"This is all I've ever wanted." She whispers in my ear and I turn my head to look at her, placing a lasting kiss on her forehead. "Look at us, we're a family."
"We're a family." I repeat, quietly, rocking Alfie gently as he falls back to sleep. "A family."
4th June
Carla
"Do we have to go?" I sigh, reluctantly following Nick out of the front door. "No offence but the last thing I want is to be having a meal with your family. I want to be at the hospital."
"Well he's not gonna go anywhere." Nick reminds me.
"Yeah that's the problem." I mutter and he links his hand with mine as I strut along the cobbles towards the Bistro. "I want to go visit Alfie."
"Carla, it's Bethany's birthday." He stops, turning to face me.
"I want him here." I moan, even though it's not going to do any use, so I was wasting my breath.
"And so do I." He replies. "But the unit won't even be open now anyway and we promised we'd go. Look, we'll sit down, we'll eat, we'll leave. It'll be fine."
"I'm not sitting by your mum." I tell him, as we enter the Bistro and I see the typical set up of everybody crammed around one table. Nick spots Kate and leans over the bar.
"You want to swap?" He asks and she shakes her head abruptly.
"No thanks." She grins, waving at me. "I'd much rather work."
"Hi Rana." I greet her, as she sips her drink at the side of the bar. "No distracting her from her work."
"Oh yeah, like you never distract Nick." Kate scoffs and I shoot her a playful look, as Nick tugs me off towards the table.
"Hi Carla." Gail stands up to hug me and I glance across the sea of faces staring back at me. Due to camping out in the house or being at the hospital most days, I hadn't even had the chance to discuss Alfie or my well-being with any of Nick's family apart from Bethany, and I knew that unfortunately tonight would be a night to do so, despite being in the worst mood possible to do it.
"Hi." I mutter, giving her a brief hug before Bethany points to the seat next to her. I flop down in it, slumping back against the chair and Nick eyes me up. "Bottle of red, Nick."
"I'll share it with you." He suggests.
"Who said anything about sharing?" I raise my eyebrows at him, bitterly and he watches me for a moment. I was testing him again and I didn't even know why. "So, eighteen hey? What you drinking there?"
"Vodka." Bethany mutters, taking a sip from it.
"And?" I glance at it.
"And vodka." She finishes, putting it back down and I nod, noticing Sarah staring at her worriedly.
"You might be eighteen, but that doesn't mean to say you can go overboard." Sarah warns her, sitting Harry down in the chair next to her.
"Says who?" Bethany retaliates. "It's not like you can stop me anymore."
"When have I ever been able to stop you doing anything?" Sarah points out and David passes me a menu, trying to break the tension.
"No thanks." I hold my hand up. "I'm not eating."
"Yes you are." Nick puts a bottle of wine down and a single glass.
"I'm not hungry." I tell him, as the Bistro door opens and my eyes fixate straight on Toyah and Peter, holding a baby carrier and looking loved up. I stare at them, my gaze following them over to the bar. They place the carrier down on the top, as Toyah unstraps their baby girl, supporting her close to her chest. There is an awkward silence as everybody stares in the direction, and at the lack of rowdiness, Peter looks over, his eyes fixating on me.
"...Drinking with the competition, ey?" I dare myself to stand up, much to Nick's disapproval. "Then again, can't imagine an orange juice makes much difference. I imagine you're on soft drinks as well Toyah, breastfeeding and all."
"Carla sit down." Nick orders as I drain my glass, refusing to look at him.
"I'm only saying hi." I stare at Peter, before shifting my gaze to their daughter, my heart breaking as I watch Toyah rock her steadily. "...Well isn't she perfect?"
"Thanks." Peter responds, bluntly and Toyah flashes me a sympathetic smile, which angers me. I turn to grab the bottle of wine from the table, pouring myself out another glass right under Peter's nose, which he doesn't even look tempted in the slightest at. Of course he wouldn't, everything had worked out for him.
"A little girl." I nod, reaching out my finger to softly graze her cheek. "Now you've got one of each... Again."
"Carla." Nick's voice is softer as he stands up behind me, placing his hands on my shoulders and I shrug him off.
"Two beautiful children, hey Peter?" I force a smile.
"Yeah." He stupidly replies because I feel my heart sink.
"...And tomorrow, it'll be four years since I lost your third." I manage to recite, my voice cracking and the table falling completely silent. "Still... At least everything worked out for you in the end, hey?"
"...Our baby girl is just as important to me as Simon and Lucy." He points to his daughter and I swallow at the name choice.
"...Oh yeah." I look back at Toyah. "Bit weird that, isn't it? Naming your kid after his ex wife."
"Simon suggested it." Peter informs me, as if he owed me any kind of explanation.
"I bet Simon's over the moon to have a little sister." I force back tears. "...Happy and healthy..."
"...How's your little boy doing?" Toyah dares to ask and I shrug, finishing my glass of wine, my eyes sunken as I stare at how she is holding their baby, in a public place, like mum's should.
"Alright I guess." I murmur. "You see, Peter, you did he right thing, cheating on me... I bet you're glad I didn't take you back now, aren't you? Congratulations."
I feel Nick's hold on me release and my eyes tear away from their daughter, as I see him storm out of the Bistro. Peter awkwardly turns away from me, ushering Toyah around the corner of the bar.
"Take care, Carla." Peter mumbles and I nod, turning around and staring at the array of disappointed expressions staring up at me.
"Sorry." I mutter, forcing back tears. "Enjoy your meal." I turn on my heel, leaving the Bistro and debating going after Nick. I head back in the direction of the house, before a voice causes me to freeze and I snap my head around to face Bethany.
"Come here." She pulls me into a hug, the one member the family that didn't want to have a go at me about being unreasonable and insensitive. I begin to cry into her shoulder and I feel stupid for it, breaking down in a teenager's arms. She finally releases me and I scrape back the tears with my hand, trying to regain myself. "Right well... We can go back in there, and bore ourselves to death. We can go and find Nick and receive a lecture. Or we could go into town?"
"...I like the third option." I respond, even though I knew it was so wrong, and it definitely would not raise my standards in the eyes of the Platt's. But Bethany was offering me a release from reality and right now I was weak enough to take it.
"So how does this work?" Bethany sets her eyes upon the bright reds and greens of the casino, the spinning golds and rowdy voices from elated or disappointed customers. "Because I literally have no clue how to play these games."
"Follow my lead, kid." I flop down into a spare seat in front of the table. "I'll teach you everything you need to know. Cheers."
"Cheers." She grins, tilting her glass of champagne against mine and taking a sip.
"Carla Connor?" A familiar face smiles back at me, surprise woven into his tone. "Long time, no see."
"Dominic. And it's Tilsley now, actually. It really has been a long time." I greet him and he glances across to Bethany. "It's her eighteenth, thought I'd introduce her to the outside world."
"That's a risky game." He raises his eyebrows.
"Yeah well I've played enough of those." Bethany mutters and I put my arm around her, taking a handful of counters and dispersing them evenly upon the board. She watches intently as the nostalgic rattle sounds, and the roulette spins before our eyes, eventually slowing.
"Black seventeen." Dominic recites and I smile victoriously as he passes me a handful of counters.
"Is that good?" Bethany checks, noticing my expression.
"Getting off to a good start." I nod.
"How much is that?" Bethany points to the pile I am now ownership of. "How much did you win?"
"Don't know exactly until I cash it in." I shrug. "Couple of hundred maybe."
"A couple of hundred?" Her eyes widen.
"That's peanuts in comparison to what I've won before, darling." I assure her. "Or lost, usually the latter."
"Well in that case, I want to play." She pulls her purse out and I look across at the notes inside it. "It's my birthday money."
"You're not gambling your birthday money." I tell her and she frowns at me.
"Why?" She asks and I sigh, as she pulls a wad from her purse, handing it to Dominic and I pull it from her grasp before he can.
"Because that's been given to you as a present from your family and friends." I reply, handing it back to her. "You need to spend it on something special, not chuck it down the drain."
"Well you're chucking yours down the drain." She points out. "Well actually, no, you're practically quadrupling it, so I want in."
"You said yourself, you don't know how to play." I remind her.
"So, I'll just copy you." She shrugs.
"Your mum would behead me if she knew you'd lost all your birthday money because you copied me in a game of roulette." I tell her.
"Mum would behead you anyway, if she knew you had brought me here." She informs me and a wrench of guilt tugs in my stomach. "Besides, why come here if I can't play?"
"Place your bets please." Dominic sounds and I sigh, getting my own purse out and handing her one hundred pounds in notes.
"Call it an additional birthday present or an advance on your wages, I don't know." I hold it out and she takes it hesitantly. "Just don't use your own money, please."
Nick
"Hi, you've reached Carla Tilsley." Carla's voicemail recites yet again. "Leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."
"Carla. Answer your phone now." I snap, not even trying to make my voice gentle. "I'm worried." I throw it back down on the sofa, trying to go through the list of places I had already searched.
"No luck?" David checks, as if it wasn't obvious and I shake my head. "You don't reckon she's gone to Craig's with Bethany?"
"She might be drunk." I mutter. "But I don't think she's drunk enough to optionally go round to Beth Tinker's house."
"Well text me if you hear anything." David heads towards the door. "I'm sure she'll be fine."
"Yeah, cheers." I respond, sarcastically, watching him leave and trying Carla's phone again before getting up and grabbing my coat. I head over the road to number five, banging on the door loudly.
"Uh, what do you want?" Beth answers, confused as to why I was stood on her doorstep.
"Craig and Bethany in?" I ask and she glances behind her as Craig approaches.
"Well Craig is." Beth points to him. "But I don't know about Bethany."
"...She's not with you?" I stare at Craig, warily and he shakes his head.
"Did she say she was?" He asks and I toss up whether I wanted to worry more people or not.
"No, just thought I'd check here before I went around to number 8." I lie. "Any chance to avoid mum, hey?"
"Tell me about it." Craig drones and Beth hits him lightly on the arm as I flash them an awkward smile.
"Anyway, thanks." I mutter, walking away and setting off towards my next destination. Panic begins to set in. If Bethany was lying about where she was, and she wasn't with Craig or my family, I had a distinctive feeling I knew who she was with, and at this point in time, it didn't seem like a good mix.
"Tim?" I lean up against the counter in Streetcars and he turns to look at me. "My wife been in?"
"Your wife?" He narrows his eyes. "Sorry... Which one are you married to at the minute?"
"Carla." I respond, bluntly and he nods in recognition.
"Oh, yeah." He checks the system. "She was in here with that blonde girl about two hours ago."
"Bethany?" I check.
"That's the one." He snaps his fingers together.
"Well where did they go?" I persist and he glances at his computer, his face falling slightly when he sees the destination.
"Uh... Client's destinations are actually supposed to be kept confidential." He worries.
"Tim." I snap, and he turns his head to look at me. "Where did they go?"
"...Sunset Casino." He recites, awkwardly and I squeeze my eyes shut in disbelief. No way, absolutely no way was this happening. "If you need a cab, we've got-"
"No thanks." I mutter before leaving, running back to the car and jumping into it. This has pushed the boundaries far enough, Carla gambling alone was unacceptable, but taking Bethany with her. She had reached a whole new level.
Carla
"Eyy." I slump against the counter, watching as Bethany pulls a pile of counters towards her, giggling excessively. "You're a natural at this."
"Don't know who I take after." She slurs, downing the final contents of yet another bottle of champagne. "Then again we've probably spent most of the money earned on this."
"Earned." I scoff, counting out the takings we had between us. "Maybe we should call it a night."
"Oh I'm having fun." She grins, leaning precariously over to one side of her stool, almost unable to remain upright. "It's my birthday."
"But I think we've had enough for one night." I didn't know why I was trying to act responsible now, because I hadn't done a very good job of it so far. "Besides, Nick will be wondering where I am."
"And what are you going to say?" Bethany questions. "Because I don't think you can exactly act sober."
"Ah I've had a lot of practice." I shrug, proudly. "Where do they think you are now?"
"Craig's." She drones, flopping down against the polished wood, her head resting on the table momentarily.
"Carla, I think she needs to go." Dominic tells me and I watch her eyes flutter closed.
"Hey you, wakey wakey." I shake her and she sits up again. "We'll get a hotel room. I'll just tell Nick we stopped at Michelle's, it'll all be fine."
"Will it?" My heart almost stops beating as I turn my head to face Nick. He looked absolutely devastated, not even angry, just pure disappointment.
"Nick-" I panic, trying to sit Bethany up and he glances at her, worriedly.
"How much as she had?" He stresses, holding her upright and glancing at the counters on the table. "...You've let her gamble."
"No..." I try to deny. "Well yes but with my money."
"And that makes it ok?" He shouts and my eyes widen as he picks her up. "Car. Now." He orders and I don't even respond with some sarcy comment, I just stand up, gathering the counters and throwing them into a bag.
"I need to cash these in." I mutter and he stares at me in disbelief. "...It's almost a grand's worth."
"I don't believe you." He shakes his head, leaving me as he carries Bethany towards the exit. I pause, swallowing regretfully and heading over to the till, throwing down the bag on the counter and waiting as the cashier counts it out, handing me a wad of carefully counted notes.
"I'd hate to see you when you lose." She studies me.
"I have lost." I mutter, before heading towards the double doors and finding our car parked on double yellows outside. I pull the passenger door open, hesitantly sitting down in the seat and turning my head to where Nick had strapped Bethany in the back, asleep as she slumps against the window. I look back at Nick, trying to formulate some kind of excuse but having nothing. "...I'm sorry."
"Don't even bother Carla." He snaps, turning the engine on and I decide to sit there in silence as he drives home. He cautiously pulls up outside the house, checking the coast is clear before chucking me the keys and unloading Bethany from the back of the car. "Quickly." He says and I fumble with the keys in the lock, trying to see straight as I force the door open. He lays her down on the sofa and I just watch from the corner of the room as he shakes her gently. "Bethany? Can you hear me?"
"Are you going to tell Sarah?" I manage to ask, even though it's the most stupid thing to say.
"Not unless you want nothing to do with either of her children again." He tells me, harshly, refusing to look up from where he is placing his hand against her forehead. The words hit me hard and I hesitantly approach him, putting the wad of notes down on the coffee table, which he acknowledges briefly before scoffing. "Bethany?"
"Mm." She mumbles, shifting uncomfortably. "Sick..."
"Get me a bucket." Nick orders and I obediently go into the kitchen, returning with a washing up bowl seconds before Bethany throws up into it.
"It's a good job you don't mind sick." I try to make casual conversation as he supports the bowl for her. "Me for seven months and now this."
"You make it sound like a hobby." Nick mutters and I watch him tie her hair back so it was out of her way. It reminded me of the butterflies I used to get when he did that with me; despite the pain and the nausea and the worry, he'd sit there with me for hours, for as long as it took, because I was carrying his baby and giving him the world. Now I was just disappointing him on a daily basis, and I had really pushed the limits this time. "Ok sweetheart, let it out."
"I'm so tired." Bethany murmurs when she has finished being sick. "Just want to go to sleep."
"Alright." Nick picks her up again, carrying her upstairs and I pick up the bowl of liquid, wincing at it as I carry it into the bathroom, pouring it down the toilet. It makes me gag, and before long I am also throwing up into the basin. When I finally finish, I flush the toilet, turning my head towards the door and seeing Nick leant up against the door frame, watching me. Just watching me, not tying my hair up or rubbing my back. I didn't deserve that, not tonight.
"...We need to clean this bowl out. I throw it into the bath, turning the taps on to rinse it out. "Hot soapy water-"
"What the hell were you thinking?" Nick demands and I hesitantly stop what I am doing, turning to face him. "You took my niece to a casino and got her drunk. She's a kid."
"She's an adult as of today." I remind him, as if it would help the situation.
"So that justifies it then?" He raises his eyebrows, sighing as he heads back into the living room. "So what triggered this then? What pushed the self destruct button this time? Was it seeing Peter and his baby?"
"Partially." I admit. "But not because it was Peter, because it was anybody. Anybody with a healthy and happy baby."
"And also the fact it was Peter." Nick corrects me and I pause, slowly nodding.
"...Because it hurt that I failed, again." My voice cracks, and I don't want to open up to him in case he thinks it's just a guilt trip, which it was far from. "I always fail... And it wasn't him, Nick. There's nothing there anymore, absolutely nothing at all. But seeing him with somebody who doesn't always fail, it hurts, because I've done the same to you... I just want to walk into the Bistro, like they did, with Alfie and show him off to the world. Pick him up out of his pram whenever I like, rock him, feed him, have old ladies come up and admire him... But I can't, because I've failed, again."
"You haven't failed though, have you?" He prompts me. "Because you have a son. You are a mum. Except instead of accepting that, you go out drinking and gambling. With my niece. What would you have done if Sarah had found out?"
"I..." I stammer. "I don't know, Nick."
"You never do." He raises his voice slightly. "You never think about what you're doing until it's too late. As soon as the red light flashes that's it, except this time you had to have somebody to tag along with you. So what? Did you introduce her to all your old friends? Demonstrate how to completely ruin her life at the age of eighteen?"
"It was just a bit of fun." I argue.
"It's not though, is it?" He shouts. "Because you've lost thousands and thousands of pounds in that place before. You're irresponsible! Did you even think about your son once?"
"I'm always thinking about him!" I retort.
"Oh yeah evidently!" He yells. "Because being a good mum is all about going out, getting bladdered and throwing your life savings down the drain." My face crumbles at his words, completely shocked at his response. I fall back against the wall, staring at him, hurt, watching his face soften as he realises what he's said. "I didn't mean it like that... Carla..."
"See... You just said it yourself." I whisper, weakly, allowing tears to slide down my cheeks. "I'm a rubbish mum... I knew it."
"No." He shakes his head, guilt woven into his expression. "I didn't mean that. Carla, come on. You know I didn't mean that."
"That hurt." I burst into tears and his eyes widen, coming towards me and pulling my shaking frame into his arms.
"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." He repeats. "I didn't mean it like that, I never would. Please, you know that."
"I just want to be a good mum and I can't. I can't. It hurts." I cry, weakly clinging on to him.
"Look at me." He clasps my face in his hands. "Listen to me. You are an amazing mum. That all came out wrong. You know I didn't mean that, I didn't. I'm just so... Shocked at tonight..."
"I don't know why I did it." I tell him, looking into his eyes. "I don't know why I ever do it..."
"Right, so here's what is going to happen." Nick tells me. "She's going to sleep it off. Then in the morning we'll sober her up. And we'll say that you found her on her way to Craig's, and asked if she wanted to go shopping for her birthday present, and then brought her back here for food afterwards."
"You're not going to tell them?" I search his expression and he shakes his head. "They hate me enough... I'm not surprised Gail never approved of me in the first place, because this is what I do."
"I think we both know my family is dysfunctional anyway." He shrugs and I manage a weak smile.
"Is that what I am?" I recite. "Dysfunctional?"
"...Amongst other things." He recalls, kissing me briefly before letting me go. "Go and get some sleep, you need it."
"Nick..." I trail off as I reach the stairs, and he looks back at me. "I'll get better. I'll get help, if that's what you want. I'll stop with the drinking and the flying off the handle. I'll learn to cook, clean, change nappies and I'll go out with the local mum's for coffee dates... If that makes me a better mum."
"That's not what I want. I love you for who you are." He tells me, still looking disappointed at the events of tonight. "...I just want you to realise that this is real now."
"I will." I whisper. "I do."
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