"We're agreed, then? All of us? On the terms we'll offer?" Ken looked from the Anadyne CFO Madhur, over to Eleanor, and then to their board chair, Lisa, who responded. "It's the right move. All around. We're finally about to make our counterparts at Pantheon very happy."

The outgoing CEO looked over to Eleanor and smiled. "It's taken you weeks – and I didn't think you could talk me into this. Or Lisa. She's never said yes to anything I've ever tried to get her to do. When you first brought it up I thought you'd gone mad. But you could sell matches to the devil, Eleanor."

"It helps when you've got the right motivation, Ken." She smiled back broadly. "And you didn't have to hold out on me this long. The words 'absolutely not' were growing tiresome. I almost gave up." She pouted but shrugged in good humor.

"Well I'm glad you didn't. And you finally brought me numbers that made sense." He tapped the fat folder on the table with his index finger.

"Well then. Like I said. It's all about finding the right motivation."


'I'm headed out of town for Exeter Sunday morning with the girls. Can I stop by? I have something for you, and June wants to say hello and goodbye.'

Eleanor was smiling, ear to ear, as she tossed her mobile in her purse and started the Land Rover. She saw a way clear of all of the mess of the past months. The momentum of change, once it's properly begun, was lifting her, and she was ready. She allowed herself a bloom of optimism for just a second, even through the heaviness of the events yet to come.


'Of course. I'd love to see you. You can come by any time, Eleanor. We can leave things be. I'm happy just to see you. You can help me with all this bloody stretching I'm supposed to master.'

Whatever might be about to happen or not with Eleanor, Caroline willfully ignored it. She simply let herself be happy that things hadn't gone completely out of control this week. She sensed they'd come very close. Nothing like almost losing something to calm the temper and inspire patience.

'OK.'

'I'll be home Sunday. I'm on my feet again, but sticking close. I'm sorry I'm not well enough to come with you all.'

'Me too. How about 9am?'

'I'll look forward to it.'

'Definitely.'


It was hard to tell who was more excited when Eleanor and the girls piled out of the Land Rover. Caroline or Flora. Caroline stood smiling, hand on the door jamb supporting herself, while Flora ran forward. She stopped suddenly, remembering to be shy. She was clearly overwhelmed and didn't know who to approach first. Eleanor leaned on the car and Lily held back. June stepped forward and knelt with her arms wide. Flora gave one more shy smile, then an open one, and stepped forward. "Hi hi hi!"

"Well hullo you." June hugged her, picked her up as she stood. "I've missed you!"

"Hi hi hi!" Flora smiled at June and wiggled down. She ran back to Caroline, crashing into her leg.

Caroline met Eleanor's eyes. They looked at each other for a while and Eleanor stopped leaning on the car and started walking toward the house, Lily just ahead of her. She grinned, and her eyes wouldn't leave Caroline's.

The girls stopped to say hi on the way in, hugs and kisses exchanged, and went into the house with Flora, who was already peeping and hollering and occasionally hooting with excitement. It was back to owls.

Eleanor stood directly in front of Caroline, the two of them together facing each other in the doorway. She was different this morning. She had her spark again. Her mischief – and her calm grace. Caroline had missed it the way you realize you've missed spring when the bulbs first start to sprout, and the mornings are warm. When you realize how cold you've been for so long.

When she'd come and gone Thursday night Eleanor had only kissed her perfunctorily - chastely. A hello and a goodbye, nothing more. It had been beyond out of character. The slow simmer Caroline had always seen in her eyes, that one look only she got to see, had cooled to an occasional flicker. She wanted to see that simmering desire again, desperately. She searched Eleanor's eyes for it now. There it is. Below – something – but there it was. Caroline came more alive in finding it. Instantly she hated that Eleanor would be leaving. She wanted her all to herself, all day long. There were a million thing she wanted to say, though she had no idea what they were. And another million things she wanted to do. She had a clearer picture of those.

"Hullo." Eleanor looked right at her - raised an eyebrow and brought a hand up to smooth Caroline's unwrinkled chambray shirt.

"Hi." They were perfectly in the moment. For now, it was just Caroline and Eleanor again. As they had been since Eleanor had walked with so much purpose into Caroline's office and Caroline's lonely life that winter morning so long ago. The game was afoot. Caroline's stomach somersaulted in familiar excitement. "I've missed you."

"Have you?" Eleanor looked in toward the kitchen and then slowly back to Caroline suggestively. The girls were in the living room with Flora. All seemed well. There was still so much to say. But it could wait. Just a moment to be them again.

'Here she is. Here's my Eleanor. Oh how I have missed her. I think she might be going again, soon. But I don't want her to. I want this.' Caroline played along with the coy quiet. She ut her hands behind her and leaned back against the doorway, away from Eleanor. "Yes I have."

Eleanor brought both hands up to smooth Caroline's shirt, and took her time about it, chin tilted down and holding her gaze. Now Caroline saw more than the simmer. She saw that desperation again. Her body and her soul yelled in outraged protest as she exhaled, took Eleanor's hands in hers and smiled, altering the chemistry between them.

"Come on. Let's go see the girls. We've got to keep you moving."

Eleanor placed her hand on her hip to stop her as she started to move inside. "Wait." She put her other hand on Caroline's stomach and leaned into her, against the doorway.

She felt a sting of surprised tears at the way this exchange felt so entirely new between them. Eleanor's kiss, when it finally came, was one of total innocence. It had the curious hope and adorable sweetness of a young girl asking for permission. It demanded nothing and it assumed nothing.

Eleanor lingered, but only long enough that the experience had the time to fulfill itself. She looked right at Caroline again with a curious openness. She didn't say anything, but held Caroline with her eyes a moment longer. She placed a hand on the side of Caroline's face. She smiled, and turned and walked into the house.

Caroline didn't move. She blinked back tears and cleared her throat. She took a step forward to follow, and then paused. She collected herself, smiled down at the floor and tugged at her shirt before continuing on to join Eleanor and the girls.


Later that night, Caroline sat crossed legged and pushed up on her bed against a pile of pillows. She turned the thick cream-colored envelope over in her hands. Eleanor had left the letter this morning when she'd come by to say hello. The house was quiet now and it was getting late. Flora was asleep hours ago and even Lawrence had already come in, wolfed down a sandwich, and gone to bed.

'Caroline'

Eleanor had written her name on the front. It hadn't been necessary of course, and so it felt formal. Her full name. No usual 'C.' It was intentional and weighted.

The lamp on her left was a bright but warm yellow, illuminating her on the bed and little else. It intensified the old-fashioned feel of the papers she now held. Eight pages, covered only on the front, in Eleanor's tightly looped and angular handwriting. She had clearly wanted Caroline to take this information in slowly, and deliberately. To reflect on it in solitude and come to her own decisions. She settled back further into the pillows and began the process.

Caroline –

I've spoken about my sister June, and her passing. I've told you the story, but it's not the whole story….

The letter continued on. By the end of June's story and the first few pages, Caroline's heart was slowly thrumming and her chest was tight.

When June finally passed, I carried it with me. But not just the grief. I carried the guilt as well, and it chipped away at me. It chipped away at me, and unfortunately Emma helped it along - or, rather, I let her help it along...

Eleanor continued. She explained her time at University, the slow momentum of losing control, and finally the suicide attempt.

It was the middle of the night now. Nothing moved inside the house or outside. The only sound was the scraping of the papers as Caroline would occasionally pick one back up to read again, and her sniffles and small little sobs. The sleeve of her thermal was covered in tears and snot. She didn't want to move, but after reading what had happened with Eleanor and June, and the suicide attempt, she carefully extricated herself from the bed and went to the en suite to grab a box of tissue. She settled back in.

Caroline picked up the first part of the letter again, though she hadn't yet read it all the way to the end. She didn't want to read any of it again. She didn't know if she could. But she had to, she owed it to Eleanor to understand it all. She knew there were pieces she missed the first time around through her tears and through her shock. She wasn't sure what she'd expected to read - but this wasn't it.

She wanted none of it to be true. She wanted none of what had happened to her Eleanor to be true. That she'd never had to live out the loneliness and shame that she must have felt. She wanted a lot of things right now. But most of all she wanted Eleanor here. She wanted to completely smother her and tell her it was all fine. That it was over. That she would never, never face something like this by herself again. Eleanor was strong, in Caroline's mind and heart. Stronger than she felt herself to be even, in some ways. Though she also knew her to be incredibly vulnerable in others. More so than Caroline had imagined.

She wanted Eleanor here. But of course she could understand why she'd left the letter. If she'd kept this from everyone, even herself, for so long, the telling of it must be exceptionally difficult. And sometimes writing something like this out was its own act of healing.

It's what she held in her hands, then. Eleanor's catharsis. She continued.

'Moving to London - I wasn't ready for it. I didn't know I needed to be. I thought all of it was in the past. Everything in Harrogate, my life here, including you, made me a stronger person for years. I focused on that, and moving forward. I built a person and a life I'm proud of, and that I love. You didn't know me then, Caroline. But I was different in many ways years ago.

I've done what's needed to be done. To fix the London issue and remain in Harrogate. If it's still relevant to you - me being in Harrogate - I'll explain things when we talk next. I've found myself again, but I worry I've done so too late. I looked backward, Caroline. When this all started, with London - I looked back, and I went back, and through my own negligence allowed Emma to reopen wounds that were only partially healed. I ignored the return of the guilt and the grief. I didn't pay proper attention. I didn't ask for help when I should have, and in so doing I've hurt both of us. I let Emma in to my life - our lives. And then I let her into my house…

A few moments later Caroline finished the letter. She felt her tears begin to recede. Though she was no stranger to temper, in replacement of the tears came a slow, building, resonant anger of a tenor that wasn't unprecedented in intensity, but was unfamiliar.

She read the last lines again.

'Forgive me, Caroline.

- Always, always, your Eleanor.'


Eleanor turned over under the sheets in the hotel room, and faced Lily sleeping on the bed next to her. She'd told the girls her sister June's story - the whole story - on the drive down. They'd have more time to talk about it over the next few days as they settled June in to the dorm at Exeter. Eleanor and Lily were here until Tuesday, and then headed home.

The girls had been as wonderfully compassionate and mature about it as Eleanor had expected. They'd agreed to keep this in confidence until Eleanor could talk to George and Margaret. June of course was visibly devastated and full of supportive questions. Lily had been sympathetic. Quiet and watchful, but with eyes that looked right into Eleanor and offered all the love she could.

Eleanor watched Lily now, peaceful and quiet in the moonlight. But her mind was on Caroline. She knew she'd read the letter by now. But that was all she knew. Eleanor would give her the space she needed to respond in her own way, and her own time. But the questions came over and over again, driving off sleep as the minutes on the alarm clock over Lily's shoulder ticked by. How would Caroline take all this – on top of everything else that had already transpired? What was she thinking? What would happen when Eleanor returned to Harrogate? Had she lost everything they'd built?

She would have her answers when they came. The outcome was beyond her control now, and that was actually a comforting thought. She turned over on to her back. She pictured a large open field, covered in green and in bright spring flowers, and began to count back from one-hundred. Now disciplined in the exercise, she thought only of that fresh meadow and fresh air. She made it to seventy and finally nodded off to sleep.