Chapter: 52 - Teyla

-----

Torren sat happily on the rug as he worked to unpack his bag that Teyla had packed ready for him to return to the Athosian camp for the next few days. She smiled down at him as he worked to reach something that was at the very bottom of the bag, but he had yet to realise he would need to completely empty the bag to pull it out.

Kanaan spoke of the approaching plans for the summer festival and how he wished her and Torren to attend. Teyla suspected there was slightly more to his invitation than he had admitted, but she did not pursue it. She had agreed to attend, though the festival was still some time away.

She returned her attention to Torren as he pulled one of his books out from the top of his bag. Kanaan could not read the Earth language, though he was learning, but the pictures made it clear what the objects named were. Torren had yet to start speaking properly, though when pushed and the same word was repeated many times to him he would finally offer a whispered version of the word. Teyla had been making a great fuss of him when he did that, but it had yet to inspire him to talk properly. She had seen him shaping his mouth to make words quite frequently though, so she knew he was capable.

Doctor Murphy had been very helpful, but she had recently suggested that they de-emphasise pushing Torren to talk and instead let him want to talk to them. Teyla wasn't too sure of that, but she would try anything. So, she had stopped asking him to repeat words and instead just read words out to him from his books and named everything around them as they moved around the quarters and the city. She had even started to ignore some of his 'look at me' noises, as Doctor Murphy had suggested, in the hope that he would start using words to get their attention. It hadn't worked yet, as Torren had simply walked up to her and touched her directly to get her attention. She had tried not to laugh at her son's direct approach; he would walk across the entire room to get her attention and stare up at her with his wide dark eyes that seemed to say 'did you not hear me?'.

She had begun to worry less about him as it was clear that he was improving and was a happy boy most of the time. He seemed to enjoy just sitting quietly and though it may have been worrying before when he was sad, now he seemed to simply be happy like that. He seemed to enjoy sitting near Charin and would often show her his toys and point at things for her. Charin would stare up at him from her new reclining chair in fascination and appeared quite taken with her brother. Though it was clear that she was, how did Rodney put it? She was a Daddy's little girl. She and John had a very clear bond and though Charin was happy and contented with Teyla, the girl seemed to smile most when John was holding her. The affection was very much reciprocated on John's part. Teyla enjoyed simply sitting and watching him walk around their quarters with Charin in one arm as he chatted away to her. He seemed most relaxed and happy in those times.

John had begun to worry her, for apart from those times with Charin, he seemed tense. At first she had put it down to tiredness, for she did not think he had had a full night's sleep in the past month since they had returned. Not that she could be sure for he was always awake when she woke, except for the half a minute in the night when she woke to Charin's cries before him. In those times his arm would always be around her, his hand on her leg, hip or even wrapped around her waist as he slept. He was always awake in the mornings when she woke, and now that he had returned to work on light duties he was awake even earlier in the mornings. And in the night she always fell asleep before him. He looked tired she thought and she had tried to talk to him about it.

He had confessed that he had had some nightmares, to which she admitted the same. In her main nightmare she was still trapped in the ship on the planet. There were hunters tracking her through the dark ship and she couldn't find anyone to help her; John was missing and sometimes Charin was with her or otherwise Teyla could just hear her distant cries of distress. She always woke from those dreams terrified until reality resettled and she knew once again that they were all safe. John had confessed he had a similar nightmare, but had given no further details. That discussion had not helped relieve any of his tension though. She had tried for one week to stay awake longer at night and after feeding Charin in the middle of the night to watch him fall asleep, but she always fell asleep first. So, she had given up, trusting him to visit Carson or Jennifer if he was having problems falling asleep.

But the tension had continued and with it a sense of distance was growing which worried her. There were times, especially when they were alone together when everything seemed fine, but at other times she felt like he was withholding from her. She had then begun to wonder if it was perhaps sexual frustration as she was still rather sore and had a few more weeks until she would have the all clear from the doctors. He didn't push anything, but every morning she felt his hard manhood against her backside when she woke. His touch lingered over her skin in bed, his desire for her clear, but he never pushed. She had tried to talk about it with him, but he always shrugged it off and said he was happy to wait, but she knew he was getting frustrated.

That frustration had perhaps been made worse after an incident last week. She had had an afternoon all to herself as Carson had been babysitting Charin and Torren had been back with Kanaan. So she had drawn herself a bath, filled with a beautifully scented herbal mix that had been a gift from her people, added to the bath water. The scents from dried flowers helped one to relax while the herbs nourished the skin and assisted healing. She had lain in the hot water and had deeply relaxed, thoroughly enjoying some peaceful time to herself. After some time she had heard the door to the quarters open outside the open bathroom door and had heard John call out to her. She had called him in without thinking only for him to halt in the doorway; his eyes wide as he had looked down at her before he had turned and left, muttering about bubbles. She had guessed the lack of bubbles to her bath had not helped his frustration. She had found it funny though and had teased him about it later, which he had taken with good humour. His desire for her pleased her, though she regretted having unintentionally teased him with her bath. She had been careful to cover up more around him, not wanting to make the situation worse. Yet, his tension continued.

Whenever she woke in bed his arm was always tightly around her, holding her to him. She had always enjoyed that closeness on the planet and for the first week back in Atlantis, but now they had acclimatised to the usual room temperature she sometimes found the bed a little warm in the night and his body heat sometimes was uncomfortable so close. She wanted just a little distance, not that she didn't want to be touching him still as they slept, but he seemed to want her pressed right up against him still. She had tried to edge away whilst he was dozing, but he would wake fully, immediately alert asking what was wrong. It was a reaction born of their experiences on the planet which she understood, so she would pretend she was heading to the bathroom so as not to embarrass him. She did not like the thought of telling him she wanted a little space in bed, for she didn't want him to emotionally pull away any further and a comment like that he could take the wrong way. She told herself he was still adjusting and to be patient.

However at almost four weeks her patience had been growing a little strained. The greatest threat to her patience was that she had not missed the fact that John always managed to be present when Kanaan was visiting. During the first couple of weeks she hadn't really worried about it, for they had only just returned and he was obviously protective of her and Charin. But, once he had returned to duty he still somehow managed to always be there when Kanaan visited. She had to wonder how he managed that with his work. She had remained patient about it, for he always had some excuse, and she did not want to make an issue out of it. John never interrupted their discussions or joined in; instead he would always find something to be busy doing in the background. She wondered if he saved up his paperwork for those times so he had something to do.

By the fourth week she had begun to take it personally. Did he think her so untrustworthy? Did he doubt her loyalty so? Kanaan had clearly noticed as well, though he never said anything and that only managed to make Teyla feel more embarrassed about the situation. She had tried distracting John with asking him to run some errands for her, but he would only say he had work to do or he would leave only to return in record time having completed the errand. It had also seemed to annoy him, so she had stopped using that tactic.

She had kept her patience though, for he would relax and everything would be alright. And it looked as if her patience had finally paid off, for today was the first day that Kanaan was here in their quarters and John was not present. Teyla had been truly pleased to realise that, though had at first she had been concerned that that meant something worrying was occurring out in the city. She had listened briefly to the radio chatter as she had prepared the pot of tea and had relaxed as nothing was occurring; John had finally given up his warden duty and she was pleased. That she had noticed Kanaan looking around a little unnerved looking for John had not helped though. But, she had sat down with him and Torren and acted as if nothing had changed.

And now they sat having had some tea and Torren having removed everything from his bag to finally reach what he had sought at the bottom, which had turned out to be another book.

The doors slid open and John appeared in the doorway, appearing a little out of breath. "Oh, hi." He said as he moved into the room.

Teyla felt her anger rising; he had clearly rushed here with what looked like a file under his arm – most likely his excuse to use to stay in the room. "John?" She had asked.

The doors had shut behind him as he moved off towards his computer desk. "I've just got some paperwork to read through and then I'm done for the day." He offered as he dropped his one thin file onto his desk and turned, looking past her towards Charin's crib. Charin was with Jennifer, but he didn't know that as Jennifer had offered only an hour ago.

Teyla returned her attention to Kanaan, feeling embarrassed and angry, though she tried to hide both. Kanaan knelt down beside Torren. "We need to get going anyway." He offered and Teyla felt the slight heat to her cheeks. "Let us put all this back in the bag, Torren." Kanaan said as he began returning all the items to Torren's bag. Torren grumbled at that and began crying in protest.

Teyla helped pack the bag quickly as she kept a tight lid on her growing temper. Kanaan lifted the crying Torren up into his arms. "Say goodbye to your Mother, Torren." Kanaan said kindly and Teyla realised that he already knew she would not be accompanying them to the Gate room. She had to wonder if John would follow if she did.

"Goodbye, Torren. I will see you tomorrow." Teyla promised him, though he was still crying. Kanaan bounced him in his arm as they headed to the door. Teyla followed them and reached up to kiss Torren. He paused in his tears to kiss her, but once he was away he began to cry again. Kanaan paused outside in the corridor for Torren to wave goodbye, which he did before returning to his grizzling.

The doors shut and Teyla took a breath before turning back to John.

"Where's Charin?" He asked from beside his desk, not appearing all that interested in his paperwork.

Teyla crossed her arms. "She is with Jennifer. She offered to babysit for a few hours. Why are you here?" She demanded.

He looked at her and she saw the caution in his eyes. "I told you I ended my shift early. I can do the paperwork here." He turned back towards the desk.

"And that is not because Kanaan was here?" She asked.

"I'm on light duties still and have mostly paperwork." He replied as stood by his desk.

She lifted an eyebrow at him.

"These are my quarters too, Teyla. I can be here if I want to be." He responded with the rest challenging tone she had heard from him in awhile. Abruptly she realised she really wanted this argument. She wanted to get this out now.

"I think you are here because Kanaan was here. You are always here when he visits." She told him plainly.

He turned fully towards her and crossed his arms over his chest. "Well, he's here a lot."

She had known that had been bothering him. "You agreed it was a good idea for Torren for both Kanaan and I to be around him together, so that he knows we are both here for him. So he feels secure." She said patiently.

"Four weeks ago maybe." John replied. "Torren looks pretty secure to me now."

"Doctor Murphy agreed it is good for him to be with both of us regularly." She stated.

"Everyday?" He argued back.

"He is not here everyday, John." She replied.

"Most days he is. Perhaps we should offer him some quarters next door so he can be close by in case Torren needs him." He had emphasised Torren's name just enough for her to think he meant her instead of Torren. She bit the inside of her lip to hold back her anger.

"You think I want him here rather than just for Torren's sake?" She asked.

John shrugged at that, his arms still tightly crossed over his chest.

"How can you say that?" She asked shocked. "You honestly believe that I still have feelings for him?" She asked.

"Do you?" He asked plainly and she was shocked as much by how frank he was being as by his question.

"Of course not!" She protested. He looked at her, his tongue pressing through his lip as he thought. "You think I want him still? What do you think is going to happen? That I will change my mind and have my way with Kanaan on the rug while you are out?"

She saw him bite back a retort; literally saw him bite on his lip, but he rocked his weight back and didn't reply.

"Is that really what you think?" She demanded moving closer to him. She could not believe that he would think so little of her, that he would distrust her like this. She turned from him and headed over to the remaining toys that Torren had left in the seating area.

"I do not wish to discuss this any further with you." She said as she reached down for the toys. "I can not believe you would think that."

He reached her side without her having heard a single footfall and his hand closed round her upper arm, the grip nowhere near tight, but it caught her attention and she looked up at him sharply.

"You changed your mind before." He said as he looked down at her and she could see in his eyes all the emotions he had been hiding; anger, worry, fear and heat.

She looked up at him shocked at the intensity of the emotion emanating from him.

"You were with him before we got pulled into that pocket, Teyla." He added, his eyes moving from one of her eyes to the other, scrutinising her expression.

She pulled her upper arm from his grasp and turned directly towards him, her anger once again flaring. "That was a long time ago, John." She stated. "How can you doubt my feelings after what we went through together?"

"Exactly, Teyla. We were thrown together and you didn't have him around anymore." John replied, stepping closer right into her personal space. He was angry, but she didn't feel threatened; she knew he would never hurt her, which only allowed her to feel angrier towards him at his distrust and doubt in her.

"You think I chose you out of convenience?" She asked stunned as she moved to step back from him wanting distance from him now.

He reached for her again, capturing her shoulders in his hands, turning her back towards him. "If we hadn't been stuck in that damn pocket you never would have given him up for me."

"Of course I would have!" She almost shouted at him. "But, you never told me how you felt. You never ever indicated to me that you wanted me."

"You were in love with another man." John protested.

Teyla twisted her shoulders to pull herself out of his grasp again. "I was never in love with him. And I never could have loved him like I love you." She told him, her voice loud and almost tearful with her passionate confession.

He froze, staring at her, his expression a strange mixture of shock, disbelief and something softer. She held her ground as she stared up at him, her breathing fast as her heart pounded in her chest.

"Why?" He asked.

She frowned at his question; was he asking why she could love him or why her love for him was different to what she could feel for another. She wondered if he knew which he had asked.

"Because you overwhelm me, John. You always have." She admitted looking down from his eyes for a moment to his chest. He was breathing fast as well she noticed and she knew that if she pressed her palm to his chest she would be able to feel his heart pounding like hers. He had always drawn her, fascinated her and his passion when they made love made her feel like she was all he could ever want, that he lost himself as much as she did in those moments together.

He took a shuddering breath and she realised she had spoken those thoughts out loud to him and she lifted her eyes to meet his again and she saw the heat in them.

He stepped into her, his mouth descending on hers in a wild rush and she wrapped her arms around him as he pulled her up against him. He pressed his lips to hers, forcing hers apart though she willingly opened them under his assault. His body was hot and solid against her as he lifted her up and then the Athosian rug was under her back and he was laying down over her. He licked into her mouth, hungry and possessive like he had been in those first months in the camp before they had learnt of her pregnancy. He had kissed her like this on those dark nights shut away from the camp, as the noises and threats lingered just outside their door. He had touched her rapidly, roughly claiming her as she had scratched his back and hips in ecstasy as he had thrust into her. She had wrapped him in her body, gloried in his body and his passion for her. Now, he kissed her like that again and she realised how much she had missed that level of need between them.

He nudged her legs apart with his as he pressed down over her and she lifted her legs to cradle him between them. He rested his body fully down over hers for her first time in a long time and she felt the rock hardness of him against her core. He rocked against her briefly before he pulled his hips back from hers and he broke their kiss. She panted for breath as he buried his nose into the side of her throat and she wrapped her arms around his back holding him to her. He took a deep breath, flattening her breasts against him, and he released it against the skin of her neck.

She ran one hand up his back, caressing his neck and up into his hair. She released a breath of her own, releasing all manner of tensions she hadn't realised she had been holding. She had missed holding him like this, feeling him fully against her openly. She hadn't realised how much they had been holding back from each other, despite how close they had seemed to be. It wasn't just the sexual component, it was their connection now that she hadn't felt so strongly since they had been together fighting against the hunters in that last battle. Somehow they had lost the depth of their connection, lost it in the rescue, the return to 'normal life' and in dealing with everyone else. She would not let it go again.

He was relaxed in her arms, though he rested his groin away from hers. For a moment she considered making love with him, but she wasn't ready and she knew there was more here than simply having missed each other sexually. She slid her fingers from his hair down to caress the back of his neck again.

"Have you been worrying about that all this time?" She asked him softly as she rubbed her cheek against him.

He let out a breath that was part chuckle, part sigh. "I'm sorry." He admitted against her skin.

"I am sorry as well." She told him. "I should have realised that having Kanaan here so much would bother you. I was too focused on Torren and trying to keep my friendship with Kanaan stable for him." She admitted feeling a little ashamed at herself for not having being considerate enough towards John's feelings.

"He's your son." John muttered against her.

"But, you are important to me as well. I should have…" She took a deep breath of her own and acknowledged to herself that she really had been carrying tensions of her own these past weeks. "I have been so worried about him, felt so guilty. I have been trying to make sure everything was alright, that life could return to normal for him." She felt tears in her eyes. "And after all we went through… I wanted to move on and put it behind us."

He lifted part of his weight up onto his forearms, lifting his upper body from hers to look down at her. She met his darkened eyes and saw in them the same haunted expression that echoed her own. She realised she had never really cried about all they had experienced on that planet, that she had never properly felt the grief of Violet Eyes' death. She had gone through the rituals of remembrance, had given prayers of thanks for her and John's safe return to Atlantis, but they had been hollow. She had been simply going through the motions and had not stopped to really acknowledge it all and how much it had all affected her.

She stroked her fingers down John's cheeks to his chin. "I almost lost you so many times. Almost lost Charin." She said finally admitting out loud the fears that haunted her in her nightmares.

She could feel her tears rolling down her cheeks. She had been complaining to herself that she had been getting emotional, but she had never really allowed herself to feel those moments deeply. For she feared she might lose herself in that wave of intense emotion, that she might drown in her own sobs for what she and John had had to live through.

"It's alright." John whispered to her as the tears flooded her eyes, blinding her for a moment. His thumbs slid over her cheeks, drying the tracks of her tears. "We made it through it all and we're stronger for it." He told her softly. She nodded as she blinked her tears away, her vision clearing once again.

"We are." She replied as she stroked over his cheeks again, feeling the stubble just over the surface of his jaw. "I am sorry about Kanaan." She whispered again.

"I should have said something or given you two some space" He replied. "I just…couldn't stop worrying that he was going to win you back somehow." He admitted his expression pained. "I guess I felt that my luck wouldn't hold; that you would wake up and realise that you could have him again." He whispered.

She smiled up at him softly. "If I had known I could have you; the last few years would have been very different."

He smiled at that, lifting up further onto his elbows. "Oh?" He asked.

She smiled in return, though her smile slipped into seriousness again as she ran her fingertips down one side of his jaw again, her attention drawn to his full lips. "I told you I loved you, but I should have said it more often." She whispered seriously.

"We both should have." He replied as softly in return. "We were quite busy though." He added with a smile, those full lips wide and promising.

She felt the weight of the conversation lift and it left her feeling lighter and happier than she had been in a long time. "Yes, we were very busy." She replied.

He leant down over her again, his lips reaching towards hers and she smiled again as she closed her eyes and met his kiss. This kiss was slower, holding more of the softer feelings they shared, but she could still feel the edge of his need in it. The kiss continued, slow and deep and she lost herself in it, let herself simply feel their connection again, their chemistry.

He pulled back from her lips with a straggled sigh and she couldn't help smiling at his obvious discomfort. His body was tense under her hands, but she knew it was not due to the argument anymore; it was purely due to his arousal.

"Okay, that's enough for now." He told her with a strained smile as he lifted himself further up off her body.

She grinned up at him as she let him sit up away from her, his body slipping away from between her arms and legs. "It is?" She asked innocently.

------
TBC