Last night was one of the worse nights of my life and what I have done for a living that's saying something. After being dealt with by Lester and Ranger, two men I've considered my very close friends for a few years now and they aren't many I slunk back into my apartment to lick my wounds in peace. When I unlocked my door I knew right away that there wasn't going to be any peace for me even in the confines of my own four walls because Steph was everywhere. She had been living with me for the last two weeks and had made quite an impact in that short amount of time.

I dragged my beaten and bruised body down my hallway to my bathroom. Even though I hurt badly, I deserved everything I got and I didn't even try to resist. The green eyes monster sure reared its ugly head tonight and took away everything I loved. Lester was right I should have calmed down and gave them the benefit of the doubt before I just flew off the handle like I did, with how it look and with who it was my mind was reeling and there was no stopping it. It really scares me to think what could have happened if it was a fugitive and he had put his hands on her, I closed my eyes as the water from the shower hit me, I really didn't want to go there.

Turning off the shower I dried myself the best that I could under the circumstances and pulled my pj bottoms on. I flopped onto the bed wishing and hoping that sleep and darkness would wash over me but it didn't. As soon as my head hit the pillow I could smell her. Her sent was all over my bed especially the pillow laying next to mine, I turned over and inhaled her and could see her there holding onto me as she fell asleep like she did each night. What had I done?

"You know what you've done" my inner voice spoke up and said

And it was right I did know. It's something I struggled and wrestled with and if you saw me and knew the kind of "works" I've done you wouldn't believe it. It's something that I have struggled with the moment I became more aware of Stephanie and maybe our potential relationship. It was there at the start and it grew in intensity when I kissed her the night she went missing and then we had that big fight in her apartment. It was fear, something that has crippled many a men.

That's right I Robert Brown a trained Mercenary is afraid of Stephanie Plum. While I went thru training there are something's that you are to learn to turn off so that you can do what you have to do. Most people forget that I am just as lethal as Ranger or Lester since I chose the path of Medic but I am and I'm pretty good at it too. We are taught not to show are emotions or to show fear because sometimes we will have to take a life and maybe loose one and in the stress situations that we are in we just have to turn it off and go on or we will never be able to move forward. That is why a lot of guys stay single because they can't learn to let a woman in and we don't know how to since denying that part of our lives for so long. I have had women before we aren't immune to them but it's been mostly one night stands to a couple nights and if there was a woman that lasted beyond that it was something very special but soon they all ended because I just couldn't or wouldn't allow them to come in to far and then that hardens your heart to have them leave you time and time again.

Now Steph, she was different. This little girl came in via Ranger. She had no knowledge of the underbelly of society that we dealt with and what she had signed on for. As the years went by and under the guidance and protection of Ranger she hung in there and made us her friends, go figure. We all loved her some more than others but we all knew that Ranger had his sights on her. We all saw him kiss her, touch her, have her up on seven when he never did that with any other women. We knew she was off limits so it was a complete shock to my system when we got together and I had a chance with her.

Stephanie has gotten past the place that no other woman has ever gone before, my soul. The more I allowed her In the more space she took and the more I wanted to just hold her and protect her from anything out there that wanted to harm her. This kind of emotion I have never had and never had to deal with before and it scares the shit out of me. At first it was easy to love her but one I got a glimpse of how our life would be like when she went back to work after her injury, fear stepped in and consumed me.

Both Stephanie and Ranger told me pretty much the same story on what happened but I just couldn't see past their history together. The only thought going thru my mind was that he wanted her back, he did it with Morelli so what would stop him with me? Stephanie loved Ranger and he had loved her if he was honest with himself and with us, we all could see it but he just wouldn't go forward and make her truly his. The thought that came to me when I saw them and how the monitor was scrambled was that she had loved him a lot and it wouldn't take him any time to make her fall for him again and Ranger usually gets what he wants. What I didn't take in account was that Steph's feelings had changed and that she wasn't under Rangers spell anymore and that I should have trusted that she could handle herself and if he ever did cross that line that Steph would have handled it. Like Lester said I should have trusted her. God I have probably lost her forever and she probably won't ever want me back.

I never slept any that night so when my alarm rang to wake me for my shift I slapped it to silence it. Dragging on a uniform over my tired body, I made my way up to five. When I got on the floor I headed straight for the coffee. When I grabbed a cup and went on my way to my desk, while I was walking everyone was silent and I knew then that something was up and I knew what that something was. Everyone had heard and everyone wanted to probably kick my ass and if they did I couldn't blame them.

I closed myself off in my cube and worked on the reports that I had been putting off forever, today just seemed like a great day to do them and I wouldn't give anyone the reason to jump me if they wanted. After a while I looked up at the clock and saw that it was almost time for Steph to come in, I was hoping she did because I had a million things that I wanted to say to her if she would even speak to me. After hours of waiting and then realizing she wasn't going to come in my heart dropped into my feet, id lost her.

"Her foot appointment is today at three" my inner voice reminded me

"Yea" I said a plan forming in my brain

Pausing just for a minute, I got up from my chair, looked over at Steph's desk, and ran to grab a set of keys to a truck. Running down the stairs, I jumped in the truck and made a call back upstairs.

"Out of the building for the rest of the afternoon and evening" I said to Hal as he picked up

"Ten four ill relay that. Don't screw it up any further than it is" he said and disconnected

I roared out of the garage and sped towards the foot doctor. Please God don't let it be too late.