Author's Notes: The 'Golden' chapter! Lol – yeah I dunno what I'm on about either.
Chapter 50: Keepsakes
If you imagine, standing in the kitchen, the counter in front of you and linoleum flooring cold beneath your feet, the refrigerator buzzes to life in the corner and bird song flitters through the cracked window. The glass is heavy in your hand, full of water. The liquid moves by incremental amounts, lapping at the sides of its container almost lazily in time with your breathing because your hand starts to shake with the pressure building in slowly straining muscles.
Suddenly, the glass slips from your hand, slams into the floor and shatters into a dozen pieces on impact; the water slithers a way like it has suddenly graduated to a sentient being in it's own right.
You flinch, quite rightly, and step back, staring for a moment at the mess before moving to the trashcan and bringing it over. Leaving it open as you crouch in front of the broken shards of glass and pick up the larger pieces, dropping them into the trashcan with a clatter as they collide with tins, cellophane and other food wrappers that lie in the bag.
As you pick up a slightly smaller shard you slip, slicing the fleshy pad of your forefinger with the tip, you drop the piece instantly, hissing in pain.
The blood beads around the cut and drips onto the floor, mingling in the water and making patterns in the thin veil of liquid bathing the linoleum. It takes you a moment to stop watching the swirls and move over to the sink to rinse the wound, but by the time you do that it's already started to heal over, a clot forming over the injury and sealing it from all infection. You have no choice but to force it open to soak it in peroxide.
It hurts more when you do that.
That was what it was like watching Lexy.
Vala hated to say it but it was. Looking at her daughter, seeing her smiling, playing contentedly with the toys in front of her was agony. Twisting in her stomach, clawing at her chest; Lexy looked so much like her father.
Daniel was the glass, solid, real and authentic at the same time as being fragile and transparent.
She was the water, able to be contained but quick; once control was lost it was hard to get it back, contained by the glass but not restricted.
Merlin was the bearer; powerful, invasive and strong. Smashing the glass and letting the water flood the floor.
And Lexy was the alcohol; the stinging burn of aftermath.
Vala knew why Daniel had done what he had done; and she wasn't about to deny him the peace of mind that he had, in a way, done the right thing. The worth of the majority out weighs that of the one. If she knew anything, she knew how hard that decision had to have been to make.
It had been easier than she had thought to just watch him being put into the stasis chamber; he wasn't gone then, not really, more… preserved. Yes. That was the word. They were preserving him. He was still alive. Which was good, because if he was dead then it would be an entirely different matter; if he was alive then it meant she could just forget about it and she wasn't starting to sound hysterical. Not at all.
The hardest part of the entire situation had been seeing Lexy again. Because with Lexy there she couldn't forget; she wasn't allowed.
It was wrong to resent her daughter and it was wrong to believe her to be the irritation to an already bleeding wound. But that's how it felt. She hadn't really hurt until she'd collected her daughter and now everything around her was a permanent reminder of what she had lost and what she had dared to dream she might have had in the first place.
The Ancients were made out to be these all knowing, all powerful, wonderful, ethereal beings that could do no wrong. But they weren't. They were like everything else capable of intelligent thought; they were selfish. Humans were selfish, every one of them. Be it by accident or fault by design; instinct wouldn't let man be entirely selfless, because to survive is to be selfish.
They may protect others but they protected themselves on some level; Daniel was one of the least selfish people she had ever known but he'd been afraid to take the risk, afraid of getting hurt, of playing a game he was bound to loose even if there wasn't ever going to be an end result.
She was selfish. Always had been, manipulative, sneaky, underhanded and devious. Bartered for what she could have, and stole what she couldn't. Daniel had been the first thing she had, had to really work for in a very long time.
Sam made Daniel seem open to any and all suggestions when it came to 'affairs of the heart' she may never say it but it was obvious in her eyes. Vala had learnt to read the expressions of her companions and enemies alike a long time ago and Sam was easily spooked. She didn't want to risk wanting something she could have just in case she got it and wasn't satisfied; Pete had been a prime example of that.
Cam was definitive; he wouldn't loose anything that was in his power to keep. The atypical white hat. If it was there, it stayed there, if it existed it would not die and if it could be born it would be birthed. Those around him, his friends, his family, were Cameron's world and Vala knew that what ever lucky woman – or man, you never knew – he found would be made to feel like the most important person in the world.
Nick didn't think about anyone else. If it could be got he would get it and if it could be achieved he would achieve it. That was that.
Merlin had stolen… no, no he'd done the right thing. He'd died so that millions of people and creatures alike could live but still… Daniel.
Why not someone else? After everything, after Nanith and Akhiyaa, car accidents, pregnancies, arguments, long-lost-relatives, proposals, Adria and…
"It's nothing special. I just thought that… maybe you'd like to do it again,"
"What?"
"Marry me,"
He'd proposed, they'd already been married months by that point but he'd still asked her, still told her he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and it was far more than she would have ever been able to imagine. She'd been sure then. He wanted her, he hadn't settled, hadn't said 'to hell with it' he genuinely wanted to be with her and that meant more than he would ever know.
She looked down at her hand, the ring was warm on her finger and when the light caught it, it glittered and sparkled almost dozily. She'd forgotten about it until this point, been to wrapped up in everything else that was going on to pay much attention to the band around her finger and the promise of a man who's bed she already shared and who's hand was already hers.
The pillows smelled of a mixture of him and fabric softener. Of spices and lavender, of everything safe and everything… it was home. He was home. She'd never had a real home before. Moving around her entire childhood, then Quetesh, then never even staying in the same place for more than two consecutive nights unless… did prison count? And then there was the SGC and finally, here. Daniel's apartment, their apartment.
Her name was on the bills, – something Daniel had taken great delight in pointing out wasn't really a good thing, at least not for her – her clothes in the closet, her food in the kitchen and, unless Daniel had taken up habits she didn't know about, her curlers on the dresser.
A knock at the front door had her sitting up slowly, flattening her hair and untangling the afghan from around her legs.
"Coming," she called hoarsely, moving over to the door and opening it, her eyes instantly narrowed when she saw who it was and she made to close it again.
"Vala-" Nick put his hand out to stop her slamming the door in his face.
"Go away Nick," she hissed "just leave,"
He pushed passed her into the apartment.
"I mean it," she reiterated her request but didn't sound threatening, more weary.
"I just need to talk to you,"
She sighed, her whole body felt heavy and she wanted to just lie down and either cry or sleep, she couldn't make up her mind.
"Daniel-"
Her expression darkened instantly "I don't want to hear one word about how what he did was right, that it was noble, and that he didn't have a choice, I just… I don't,"
"Daniel made his choice,"
"No," she snapped, spurred on "he didn't, you did. You could have stopped him, he would have listened to you but no, you just let him go right a head and kill himself!"
"He isn't-"
"He might as well be!" she cried, everything was crashing down, the whole world in all it's porcelain wonder dancing to the ground like snowflakes on Christmas Eve.
Nick was silent "everything will be okay," he soothed.
"No!" her fists clenched at her sides "you don't get to say that. You don't get to tell me everything is going to be okay because it won't. It can't."
"It will!" he cried in earnest, desperate for her, any one to understand that he wasn't the bad guy because he wasn't "Daniel is a grown man; it's neither my place nor yours to tell him what he can and cannot do. He made his decision,"
"And what? We get to deal with the fall out?"
"Yes!"
"No," she took a menacing step forwards "I refuse to believe that. I won't believe that." She prodded him hard in the chest "Daniel may have made his choice, he may have decided that he wanted to use that device but you didn't stop him, you didn't even try and now he's down there, frozen because his choice is killing him and all you can do is stand there in all your noble, I-know-everything-bull crap telling me it's going to be okay!"
"And it will! Just believe me!"
Her voice softened considerably and she fixed him with a pained stare "why should I believe a anything you say?"
"Vala…" he said a moment later, in an attempt to break through the icy silence.
"Just leave Nick," she answered wearily "get out,"
"Please-"
Vala opened her mouth to interrupt but she was cut off.
"You heard her Nick," Cam's voice was dangerously low "go home,"
Nick went to protest but when he saw the deadly look on the other man's face he surrendered and left with a sigh and a whisper of 'goodbye'.
Vala ran a hand through her hair and took a heavy breath as she wrapped her arms around herself in the basic equivalent to a self-hug "Cameron…"
He smiled weakly at her "I brought Chinese," he said, gesturing.
She smiled back sadly "I'm not really hungry,"
"Aww c'mon," he cajoled "you love egg rolls," he brushed passed her and deposited the boxes on the coffee table.
She opened her mouth to object but didn't have the heart too as he started to unload the contents of the bags and took a seat on the couch. Shaking her head she took a seat as well.
One would think, after the first half a dozen times, it would get easier. It didn't.
Sam still found herself standing in his office, taking in the absolute disarray Daniel called filing, the coffee maker stood half empty in one corner, and every piece of visible paper, including the white board, was covered in scrawl that was neither legible nor understandable.
"He'll be fine," Jack's voice drifted over from the doorway.
"How can you be so sure?" she turned slowly "what if he's not?"
"He's Daniel,"
She laughed dryly "everyone runs out of chances," she looked back at the whiteboard sadly.
Jack shook his head "not Daniel,"
"There human body can only take so much." She said simply, then "it almost killed you," she said honestly.
He couldn't argue with that "but I'm not Daniel,"
"He's not invincible Jack!"
"I never said he was," he answered calmly "I just know him,"
Her eyes narrowed, she was short tempered and irritable and now was probably not the time to have this conversation "would you just stop it?" she hissed "one day he won't come back and then what are you going to do?"
His eyes darkened and he just turned around.
"Don't," she could only hope her voice hadn't broken as severely as it sounded.
He turned back slowly, not saying anything, just giving her chance to say whatever it was she wanted to say.
With everything else he accepted it. Tried his damnedest and if that didn't work then he moved on but with Daniel… it could never settle… after he was killed by the Replicator version of her, Jack had refused to do anything that would mean that Daniel was truly gone, okay so they hadn't been certain at the time that he was dead but they had enough intel to come to the conclusion that he was but whilst everyone else was begging for closure Jack refused to yield. Refused to admit it. Refused to say the words 'Daniel is dead.'
"Daniel's fine," he said firmly before turning on his heel and leaving without another word said.
"Wow," Cam said, leaning back in his seat "I'm stuffed,"
She smiled pleasantly over the top of the box in her hand, chopsticks hovering over the top; she swallowed what tasted like ashes.
"You're really not hungry are you?" he said, looking more than slightly disappointed.
Vala shook her head "sorry," she put the box down on the table with the chopsticks inside it.
"No," he began gathering up the boxes "I shouldn't have assumed."
God he was crap at this! Why'd you ask me Jackson? Of all the people you could have asked, you chose me? Why? He and Vala… they were tentative friends, sort of… hung out when the others were there but alone? Not really something either of them were used to.
"I know what you're doing," she followed him as he went to put the rubbish in the trashcan in the kitchen.
He looked at her "you do?"
She nodded.
He copied her response and then asked, uncertainly "what did he say to you?"
"Hmm?" she looked up "oh," she was quiet for a moment and he almost regretted asking "he said…" a tiny smile danced across her lips before fading into nothing "that he was mine,"
He nodded dutifully.
"Listen…" she spoke slowly as if still deliberating it in her head "I need to go do something… could you stay and look after Lexy for a little while?"
Startled but willing to help he replied "sure,"
"Thank you," she said honestly, picking up the car keys and walking out the door.
Carolyn didn't look up at the knock on her office door simply called out "come in," and finished making adjustments to the chart in front of her "Vala," she said surprised "uh… how're you doing?" she gestured for her to take a seat as she took in the other woman's casual attire of tracksuit bottoms, sneakers, a t-shirt and a jacket that was only zipped half way.
"I'm…" she trailed off, as if confused by the question and let silence fall for a second "can I ask you something?"
"Sure," she smiled at her, settling in her seat "fire away,"
"If I wanted to…" she paused "is it possible for me to change my name?"
"As in…" she let the question hang in the air.
"To Daniel's,"
Vala Maldoran. Vala Jackson. Different, not entirely unusual but different all the same.
"I don't see why not," she said slowly "do you… want too then?"
Vala looked at her "you would do that for me?"
"Well I could ask dad to get it sorted but yes," she was surprised by Vala's shock at her agreeing "of course I would,"
Vala nodded and smiled at her "thank you,"
"No problem," Carolyn answered gently "no problem at all,"
Author's Notes: Got a little fiddly there, not that it will be obvious, just in respective to my plans… oh well, it'll sort it's self out!!
Next Chapter: As Vala comes to a conclusion, Sam begins to rethink her relationship with Jack.
