Chapter 52: Look No Further
Chapter title song and soundtrack: "Look No Further" by Dido – I highly recommend listening while reading! It couldn't be more perfect.
A/N: Thank you so much to my betas, Mia and terriblemuriel.
A month later, March 2020
Santana pulled into the Pierces' driveway late Friday night. She was exhausted, but relieved she had managed to get enough work done to make it back to Lima for the weekend. Although it was almost midnight, she knew Brittany would be waiting up for her. Sure enough, Brittany opened the front door, pulling on her coat as she walked out to greet Santana before the engine was even off. She stood next to the car smiling until Santana got out, wrapping an arm around her waist to draw her close.
"Hey, sweetie," Brittany said, pressing her torso into Santana in a graceful curve as she kissed her. "I'm glad you're here." Her words were steam-puffs in the frigid midnight air of what seemed like an extended winter.
"Me too," Santana said as she gave her an affectionate extra peck. "How is he?"
"He's good. Sleeping." Brittany broke away and opened the trunk. She took out Santana's duffel bag, hoisting it over her shoulder without much effort. They walked up the steps and closed the door behind them, being as quiet as they could.
Brittany set the duffel bag down in the hall and took Santana's hand. "Keep your coat on and come with me," she whispered, leading Santana through the living room and kitchen. She opened the door to the back porch. Crusts of snow slanted against the railings, residual pockets of winter that had yet refused to melt. The ice on the deck and in the yard beyond glimmered in the light of dozens of lit candles that had been placed along the top of the railing. It was cold and silent, making the sky above them seem lower and the distance between the neighboring houses seem farther.
"Aw, how pretty," Santana lilted, looking around at the candles as Brittany quietly shut the door behind them. "So romantic… it makes me want to dance with you."
"Then let's dance," Brittany said, turning toward Santana with a little smile. She held her hand out, palm up. Santana took it, smiling as she was led into the center of the deck.
Brittany threaded her other arm around Santana's waist under her coat. Santana smiled as she pressed her hand into Brittany's back and perched her head on her shoulder. Their torsos nestled together through the unzipped fronts of their coats as they rocked back and forth, hands clasped and cheeks pressed together, trying to keep warm. The wooden slats of the deck creaked below their feet. Santana shifted back, lifting Brittany's hand above her head and turning her wrist, inviting Brittany to spin. Brittany smiled and turned slowly around, putting her hand on Santana's shoulder when she completed the circle.
"I should take you dancing more often," Santana remarked, resting her forehead against Brittany's. The tips of their noses touched, the thawing sensation reminding them how cold it was outside.
Brittany's expression was solemn as she stepped back and took Santana's other hand firmly in her own. "Santana…" she began, the word swirling out in a puff of steam. Her feet stopped rocking as she stilled their dance.
"Brittany…" Santana mirrored, a playful smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.
"We've gone through so much this year… coming back together, taking care of my dad… Even living apart I see how solid we are. I know now more than ever that we can get through anything."
"We can," Santana agreed, grinning as she squeezed Brittany's hands and swung them back and forth between them.
Brittany gave her a nervous smile and stilled their hands. She took another small step backward, a chill running between them through the open fronts of their coats. "Over the years I've watched you become an amazing, brave woman with such a big heart. You're loyal and forgiving and passionate and I love you more than anything in the world. I want everyone to know you're mine forever."
Santana shrugged, still looking at Brittany with a lighthearted smile. "Of course I'm yours forev…"
Her smile dissolved and her throat choked off her words as she watched Brittany get down on her knees. Through blurred vision, she saw Brittany reach inside her coat and take out a black velvet box, opening it to reveal a sparkling silver ring. The sharp, eerie silence of winter pressed into her ears for what seemed like minutes.
"Marry me, Santana," Brittany murmured. Her words were muted in the damp stillness around them. She looked up at Santana in peaceful adoration, the glimmering of the candles illuminating her face.
The cold air was stuck in Santana's throat as she looked back and forth between Brittany's bright, hopeful eyes, and the silver band with its glistening solitaire. Her head was spinning and she couldn't move. She saw all the hope and promise she would ever need in Brittany's face and was at a loss for words.
"Oh my god, Britt…" she whispered.
This was so utterly unexpected. She couldn't believe Brittany had actually planned a proposal and bought a ring. They had never talked about getting married; Santana just assumed they both understood they were in a lifetime commitment. Rings and vows and a ceremony had never been discussed. She realized right then that not talking about it had been a big mistake, because now she was stuck between her two biggest loves: the fire of justice and the calm ocean of Brittany.
Brittany reached for Santana's hand to put the ring on, but Santana flinched and pulled away.
Brittany's face fell. She turned white as a sheet, staring up at Santana with wide eyes. "You… you don't want to?" Panic spread across her face as the hand that held the ring outstretched started to tremble.
Kneeling before Santana with her face full of fear, Brittany suddenly looked so small. Santana fell to her knees, desperately trying to reassure her with the first words she could think of: "Oh sweetheart, you know I'm in this for life..." She reached for Brittany's free hand and held it between her own.
Tears welled up in the corners of Brittany's eyes. "But you don't want to marry me?" she squeaked in disbelief.
"Of course I want to," Santana hushed, running a hand over Brittany's cheek, trying to get her to smile. "Of course, sweetheart…" She clung to Brittany's warmth as it evaporated into the thin air. The cold of the deck under her knees ran up her legs as a tear fell down Brittany's cheek. Santana's heart wrenched with guilt. "Hey, hey…" she cooed, "Don't cry! I love you. I want to marry you more than anything."
Brittany swallowed. "You do?" A glimmer of hope returned to her eyes.
Santana nodded solemnly as she wiped the tear away with her thumb. "Of course. I want to marry you in front of everyone we know." She squeezed Brittany's hand before pressing a kiss into the palm and placing it to her cheek. The tips of Brittany's fingers were cold, but her palm still held its warmth.
Brittany looked up at Santana through her lashes, giving her a tiny smile as she tried to put the ring on again. Santana stilled her hand, wrapping Brittany's fingers around the ring. Brittany looked at her, confused and sad.
"Britt…" Santana said gently. "Not yet."
Brittany looked even more confused. "Why not?" she asked, her words small and her expression still fearful. "Now's as good a time as any… life's never going to be perfect. If we wait for that we'll be waiting forever. I just want to marry you..."
"And I want to marry you," Santana cooed. Every word was an apology for the sadness she saw in Brittany's face.
A swirl of steam puffed between them as Brittany let out a choked breath. "So why can't we have a wedding and have people come celebrate how much we love each other? Is it because of your parents?"
"No…" Santana said with a sad smile. She knew her parents would never be ready to come to their wedding.
"So why not now?" Brittany persisted.
"Because it wouldn't be legal," Santana soothed, running her other hand over the top of Brittany's fist that held the ring.
"That doesn't mean anything," Brittany protested, her brow furrowing. "It's just a piece of paper." She pulled her fist from Santana's grasp as she sat back on her haunches. She put the ring back in the box and closed it, dropping it on the icy deck. She crossed her arms over her chest and looked down, dejected.
"It's not just a piece of paper. And it means something to me," Santana murmured, leaning forward to pick up the box. The velvet on the bottom was damp and icy from the snow. "I want to marry you, Brittany," she stated, opening the box to examine the ring. "I don't want a 'civil union' or a 'commitment ceremony' or a 'domestic partnership.' I want the whole thing."
Brittany kept her chin down but looked up as Santana continued speaking.
"When we say our vows, I want them to be recognized by the law and everyone around us. I won't accept anything less than that. If we had a wedding now, I would always regret not giving you the whole thing. Just imagine our wedding kiss or our first dance."
Brittany gave Santana a hesitant smile.
"Now think how much better it will feel when we know our wedding is equal to all other weddings."
Brittany bit her lip, mulling over Santana's words as her smile spread.
"When we get married – and we will – I know it will be the happiest day of my life. I'll be marrying you, and it will be as legal as any other marriage in Ohio."
Adoration washed over Brittany at the reminder of Santana's passion for justice.
"God, you scared me, S," Brittany said as a smile sparked in corners of her mouth. "I guess I should have known… you're working on the marriage equality bill, of course you'd have strong feelings about it. I feel so silly..." She held a hand up to her face.
"Don't feel silly, sweetie," Santana hummed. "We never talked about it, and we should have. Now I feel like a jerk."
"You're not a jerk," Brittany shrugged. "I shouldn't have surprised you… you don't really like surprises. And you have the best reason ever for saying no."
"I'm not saying no, B," Santana declared, surprised at Brittany's interpretation. "I'm saying yes – absolutely yes. A thousand times yes. As soon as it's legal." She gazed at Brittany beaming in the candlelight. She was so breathtakingly beautiful. Santana felt reverence for her beauty as well her honesty, her gentleness, and her enormous heart. She cupped Brittany's chin and sighed. "I should have married you in Connecticut."
Brittany gave her a sad smile and shrugged. "We weren't ready."
Santana gave her a regretful nod. She tucked Brittany's hair behind her ear. "I'm ready now."
"Me too," Brittany murmured.
Santana paused to admire Brittany for a moment longer before leaning forward to press their lips together. As they brushed against each other, she felt all the butterflies of their first kiss and all the security and devotion of their eight and a half years together unite in their touch. She knew for certain that they felt exactly the same way about their love: it was one for the ages, a love to end all loves, a lifetime and beyond of happiness and struggles together.
When they broke away, Santana whispered, "I want it to be equal... We deserve that, Britt. I just want everything to be…" she trailed off, searching for a word.
"Whole," Brittany finished.
"Yeah," Santana sighed, smiling as she rested her forehead against Brittany's.
"Then we'll wait 'til it's whole," Brittany murmured, pressing their lips together once more. The kiss felt even more gentle than the last.
Santana smiled and sat back on her heels. "This ring," she said, handing the box back to Brittany, "gives me something to fight for every day when I go into work." She reached behind her neck and unclasped her necklace. She took the ring out of the box and slipped it onto the thin silver chain of the necklace. "The minute the bill gets signed into law, you can put the ring on my finger," Santana said, her resolve firm. She held the ends of the necklace out for Brittany to take. "And then we'll plan a wedding."
"Promise?" Brittany asked, a smile spreading across her face as she took the ends of the necklace
"Promise," Santana nodded, a smile lighting up her face as she pictured Brittany putting the ring on her finger.
Santana held her hair up as Brittany clasped the necklace around her neck. When it was secured, Brittany held the back of Santana's neck, cradling her chin in her wrists as she drew her close and kissed her. Santana's lips slid between Brittany's and she tried to convey the sincerity of her promise as she wrapped her arms around the woman she loved more than anything in the world.
"I hope we don't have to wait forever," Brittany murmured when they broke apart.
"We won't," Santana promised, shaking her head and keeping her arms around Brittany to ward off the cold.
Brittany smiled and picked up the ring, kissing it. "It's a lab diamond," she said.
"What's that?"
"It was created in a lab in New Jersey instead of being harvested in a war zone. It has as much integrity as you do."
Santana beamed. Even the jewelry Brittany gave her was thoughtful and kind. "I love it," she murmured. "It's perfect."
"I would wait, though," Brittany added as she drew Santana flush against her again.
"For what?" Santana asked.
"I would wait forever," Brittany murmured, "if it meant I got to marry you all the way."
"Oh, B…" Santana squeezed Brittany even closer. She ran her hand over Brittany's back as Brittany settled into the crook of her neck. "We won't have to wait forever. Not if I have anything to do with it."
As she held Brittany tight, she had never felt closer to her than she did right then. Whatever dust was unsettled in Santana's heart came to rest as she knelt there, surrounded by snow, candlelight, Brittany, and a promise she would fight for the rest of her life to keep.
