Editing, beta'ing, massaging, and oodles of messaging with Milner and BK2U to bring you this chapter.


After the exhausting excursion with Zeke, the walk from the train to Tris's apartment took more energy than he'd expected. The prospect of carrying more boxes back to Dauntless — as he'd undoubtedly end up doing — made him consider turning around. But Shauna had sacrificed her afternoon therapy time to help him make banana bread, even though she had never attempted it before, and he didn't want to let that effort go to waste.

A pinch off the bottom seemed edible, and the aroma would surely hit home, if nothing else. He wanted Tris to have it fresh, a little token for missing breakfast with her that morning. He could tell the second the scent hit her: Tris's smile quivered and she almost cried.

"Happy! This is supposed to make you happy!" Four said with as much energy as he could, hugging her and setting the loaf of banana bread on the table.

"I'm sorry. I love it, I really do. It's just things have been getting to me today. Even happy things. It must be the packing, the moving."

"So… uh?" Caleb popped out from his room.

"I didn't know he was coming," Tris called.

"Well, I'll just give you two some time." Caleb smiled quickly and grabbed his keys.

Four thought about insisting he stay, but something about Caleb's body language made him suspect that he had other places he wanted to be. Caleb's easy affect shifted to something a little morose as he passed through the scent of the bread on his way out the door.

"None of this crying crap tonight." Tris took a deep breath to settle her mind and focus. "This was supposed to be for you anyways! Now you can have it fresh," she declared, pushing him down into a chair.

"What's for me? You're the one that just joined back up. I haven't done shit."

"Yeah, well, I know you're going to be booked solid tomorrow on your actual birthday, but I still wanted to do something for you. So, I was making you food and, well, fresh is better, right? Happy early birthday!"

"Tris, you didn't have to do anything for me."

"I know. But like you said the other day, it's been a hard year. I've been in a bad mood for most of it. But things are finally okay. And you gave me such a nice birthday, you should have something equally nice. Plus it's almost done! I hope you don't mind pasta. I got the recipe from Christina's mom; it's not quite so Abnegation. And I got you some cider from Amity. They made it with the early crab apples. And, well, I got you something for later, too."

"Tris, this is... you shouldn't have done anything. I didn't expect anything. I didn't even do anything last year because of all the shit going on with Max and… stuff."

"Even more reason. You deserve this. And I need to be paying people back for what they've done for me, you know? I mean, I really want to do something great for Caleb and for Christina. I just can't quite figure out what."

She talked while she turned and moved around the kitchen. Her hurt arm stayed tucked in her front pocket, coming out only for the easiest of tasks, while her free hand animated her sentences. She pulled the growler of cider out of the refrigerator and set it in front of him, then started pulling vegetables from the refrigerator and a large bowl out of the cabinet. He stood to help her with the salad, only to be gently rebuffed.

"No, you sit. I've got this."

"I'm sure you do, but I want to help. And you're one-handed. You're gonna cut yourself," he insisted.

"Maybe. But you're still going to sit."

He followed her directions, and she carried on using her hurt arm to steady the vegetables while she chopped, all while she continued to spill out various ideas of repayment for each of her friends. Watching her refill his glass of cold cider and then flit about the kitchen — the vegetables stacked in piles on the cutting board and the timers going off on the counter — he felt an unavoidable anxiety creep into his spine and sink into his lungs.

"Really, I can help. I feel useless just sitting here," he offered again.

"Nope." She pulled up the knife and pointed it at him in warning. "I'm serious. Sit down."

"Tris," he started, but she smiled and put the blade up to her lips to shush him.

"You can pull the pasta out of the oven, but that's it," she conceded.

He had memories, hundreds of memories, of his father sitting at the table and watching, sometimes critiquing or lecturing him about some misstep he should avoid, but usually just watching. And if Tobias ran behind schedule, he'd announce, in five minute intervals, the time to dinner. The irony of someone entitled and lazy demanding a perfectly-cooked Abnegation dinner for one never occurred to Marcus; at least it gave Tobias something to laugh about later. Only after sitting and quietly waiting for his father to eat could he make his own meal out of the leftovers and scraps, do the dishes, and then go to his room. Just watching Tris made him uncomfortable on a level similar to his claustrophobia.

"Tris. I won't let you just serve me. It's not right. It's not what I want."

"What's the big deal? You made me dinner twice, no... three times, if you count that bread. I can make you pasta. It shouldn't be bad. I'm an okay cook, and I followed the recipe to a tee."

"It's not that, I just... it makes me uncomfortable," he said quickly. She cocked her head, and he poorly explained himself. "I want to help. I can't just watch. It's not what I want in our relationship."

She gave him a side smirk. "Okay, if you have to help, set the table or something. Or help me pick something to do for Caleb."

Tobias stopped her motions with a hand on her elbow, making her look at him. "I never, ever want you to feel expected to do anything like this for me."

"Tobias, it's okay. I like doing things for you. I want to do this for you. It's a choice, not an expectation." She smiled, opening the cabinet and pointing at the small stack of plates. He scowled. She found an easy way to tease him and hopefully put him at ease. "If you need to help, and only if it makes you feel better, I guess you can do the dishes."

"I guess."

"So, I was practicing earlier. I don't know if tomorrow is gonna go as well as Amar hopes," she mused, shifting the conversation to her first attempts at knife throwing.

After they'd both eaten their fill and chatted about the upcoming demonstrations and knife throwing, she gave him a generous slice of banana bread and stared down at her own plate with teary eyes. She sniffled a little before pushing her finger down on a crumb and bringing it to her lips. "This is amazing."

"You haven't even tried it yet."

"I know, but it smells exactly how I remember."

"I'm glad you like it. I think I can do it again. Shauna helped, but it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I heard Amity is putting in more greenhouses next year, so maybe we'll get more in the rations." He ran his hand down her leg and lifted a fork to his lips.

She stopped short of licking the last crumbs off the plate — barely — after a long debate about doing it. Tobias saved her the temptation by putting her plate in the sink, then started on packing away the leftovers.

"I'm going to leave what's left for Caleb, if that's okay, so he has something to eat the first few days. I guess he's found someone that might come and live with him. Otherwise, he can't afford this place on his own," she sighed. "I can't believe I'm making my own brother homeless."

"Like you said, he can find a roommate. He's chosen his path, you've chosen yours. It is what it is." He started scrubbing the baked-on cheese.

"He's all I have left."

"And you will see him whenever you want."

"Can I?"

"Yes. It's easier to get the other members to overlook family ties — always was. Even back before the war, there was Visiting Day, and it wasn't uncommon for Dauntless to visit with family when they were out on patrol. And you can help blaze that trail for others to reconnect even more."

Tris mulled over his statement. Something about it didn't ring true against all the rhetoric she'd heard since she put her blood on the coals. She understood Tobias's attempts to smooth over the situation, but the uneasy, sinking feeling stuck deep in her stomach. Rather than pursue it into an argument, she set it aside and picked a new topic.

"So what happened with today? I thought you were going to be busy tonight? I was going to bring this all to you tomorrow for lunch."

"Oh, had a change of plans. We were supposed to go on a run and then have a family lunch, then I was going to take Zeke out for some one-on-one time. But Zeke couldn't make the run… it was too hard on him. So, I took him out early to get his mind off of things instead."

"It's really Uriah's birthday?"

"Yeah, it is."

"Wow. So he was younger, like me? Like you?"

"Yeah, he was the youngest in your initiation class. The youngest of everyone we lost." Tris didn't want Tobias focusing on the losses of the last year. She didn't know much about birthdays, except that they were supposed to be celebrations.

"So, tell me what else you've figured out for initiation. Will you be counting butter knives in the dining hall?"

Four couldn't help but laugh. "That was absurd. I still can't... Peter was a piece of work. I wish I could say it will be night and day, but it won't be that different. Except that the new city laws are going to be in effect, so it'll be like initiation was five or so years ago: no one gets kicked out. So that's good. But they're also allowing people to transfer from factionless and other factions. Anyone, meaning any age. And they're demanding that we do a secondary initiation for anyone that decides where they chose wasn't right for them, and ugh... leadership is split on if the secondary class gets ranked at all. If there's three people, you can't honestly treat their positions the same as going through with thirty. There's a ton that we still haven't hashed out. These meetings have been total chaos."

"What do you think should happen?"

"Well, I don't think you can rank any of them. I think you have to come up with some other way of placing them than just how they do for six weeks when they're sixteen. The faction is full of top-ranked fools and bottom-ranked phenoms. And besides, it's more about skills than it is about fighting or fears."

"Do you think you were ranked right? Being a good fighter, having four fears?"

Tobias closed his mouth as he thought, his hands never stopping as they cleaned each plate. "I guess not. Rayna was a lot smarter, she got along better with people. She would have been a good leader. She should have been top-ranked, I think. Top five, anyways."

"What happened to Rayna? What was her rank?"

"She was eighth or something. Somewhere below ten and above six. And... she died. She was probably Divergent, and they probably killed her. That's what Amar told me at the time, when I was being too reckless, drawing attention. It could have just been a convenient example. I didn't see a mark next to her name in the genealogy room at the Bureau, so who knows."

"Oh. I'm sorry," Tris commented quietly.

Four wrung out the dishrag and dried the pot and the other dishes while Tris stole pinches from the banana bread. She slipped away to her room and shut the door; although Tobias assumed she was in the bathroom, he didn't think twice about her absence.

He folded the towel and set it on the counter, looking around at the clean and orderly kitchen as she returned. "This was nice. Thank you. I don't often get treated like this."

"George and Amar and Hana cook for you every Sunday," Tris reminded.

"No, this is different. They invite me, sure, and I'm really grateful for that. But they're cooking for everyone, and they always let me help."

"When was the last time someone cooked for you? Didn't your dad ever?"

He shrugged. "I was nine, that's old enough to boil chicken."

Tris let out a long, loud sigh. "You will have many more meals cooked for you, and you'll cook for me. We'll switch off. Like we're supposed to."

She spread her right hand up his stomach and around his neck and kissed him, holding him off from something serious with light pecks. "I have something else for you."

"I've got everything I could ever want."

"How about something just because? But you can't tell anyone I gave it to you. I'm not supposed to have it."

"Tris..." Before she pulled it out of her bag, he suspected she had a gun.

"You said it's hard to find parts, so I couldn't pass it up. I got it from Amity. It might even be yours from when we were there. What are the chances that Amity has two of these?" She set the Beretta down on the table, quickly folding her hands and watching him with excitement.

He turned it over in his hands — a groove in the handle fell just where his thumb landed. Thinking about Rayna twice in one night, when he hadn't thought of her much in the last year, was odd. He remembered Rayna had received the gun from her uncle because he didn't have any other family. Tobias didn't want it getting lost or destroyed, so he'd requested it from her personal effects after they cremated her body and scattered her in the churn of the chasm. It had killed him to hand it over to Amity when they first arrived, but no one was going to search Tris if he gave up his weapon first.

"Yeah, seems so. This is… this gun means a lot to me, as stupidly Dauntless as that seems. It belonged to Rayna, ironically, since we just talked about her. Thank you." He pulled back the chamber. "Tris, this is loaded." He quickly checked the safety: it was on.

"I know, I checked the safety. I'm not dumb." She quickly pulled on his arm. "One more thing."

"Tris, there isn't possibly anything else." He set the gun on the table.

"Well, they don't take returns." She pulled him into her bedroom.

"Tris…"

"We haven't since I got hurt."

The same tired, familiar conflict started to play out in his head: Tris pushing herself to do something for him, him wanting it, him not wanting her to push herself, and feeling guilty for wanting it. She must have sensed his turmoil. She stopped pulling when he stayed standing at the foot of her bed and huffed down on the mattress.

"Let me guess: ‛Tris… we shouldn't be doing this.' " She mimicked his tone and deepened her voice. They both laughed and exchanged smiles. "I can do it, you know. It's not gonna hurt me."

"I'm sure you can."

"But?" she prompted him.

He hated trying to guess what the little movements in her eyebrows or the twitch of one side of her lips might mean. He didn't like disappointing her. Tobias sank to his knees and ran his hands up her thighs, laying his head in her lap so he wouldn't have to watch the inevitable.

"But we haven't talked about the physical side of our relationship. And I'm not ready until we have." Her fingertips massaged into his scalp like he knew they would, a distraction for her and still a way for him to show her affection.

"What's there to talk about? I want to, you want to. So?"

"It's the why that's important. Why you want to."

"Because I love you. And we did before, so I assumed you'd want to after."

"See, you want to because you think I want to. And I'm not okay with that."

"You're making this too complicated."

"That's because it is complicated," he defended, squeezing her thighs a little for emphasis.

"It wasn't at the fence." Tris pushed up on the bed and pulled her legs to her chest.

"That's not fair. This is nothing like that." He joined her, sitting on the edge and rubbing her ankle. He wouldn't let her pull away and shut down.

"Sometimes I wish it were. That you liked me like that."

"You don't mean that. You don't want to be just a girl, any girl. At least I hope you don't. I want to be with you because I enjoy being around you specifically. Because it feels way better to be with you and to make you feel good, too. And I really hope that's why you want to be with me."

"But it is! And yet, that's obviously not good enough. What I want is never good enough."

"That's not what I'm saying, either. You said this is a sort of gift because of some day on a calendar, like it's just for me. And that's got flashing red lights all around it saying 'she's doing it because she thinks it's an expectation'. And I don't expect it from you any time, any place, and especially not after what you've just been through."

"Oh."

"Yeah, that's all I'm saying. And that's why we should talk about these things before we do them."

"Okay, um… well, I want to. And not just because it's your birthday. I really like having sex with you. It makes me feel close to you. And I know we won't be spending time together for a couple months, so I really just wanted to before you disappear."

"I'm not disappearing, I'm gonna make time. So, we don't have to right now unless you really want to."

"I wouldn't have gotten all dressed up if I didn't," Tris insisted.

"Is this 'dressed up' these days?" Tobias chuckled as he tugged on her pant leg.

He stopped laughing and flushed when she aggressively straddled him and pushed him down on the bed. She kissed him, leaned over him and prodded him up higher on the mattress. Tris slid off his lap, motioning for him to stay when he started to reach for her. She turned around, looking over her shoulder while she pulled up the hem of her shirt. He was just close enough that his fingertips could trace up her side. He stood and helped her get it up over her head, only to be pushed back down playfully. The black bra with little blue bows had straps that crossed in the back. He let a lopsided grin form, biting into his lower lip to contain his excitement. Her sudden disappearance must have been when she went and changed.

The bra was nice. It did all the things he wanted a bra to do. It enhanced her shape and was different enough from her typical underwear to be exciting. Better was how she didn't squirm away from him or dash to the light — that she stood, at first with her back to him, and then turned to show him the front. The confidence aroused him as much as, if not more than, the amount of skin she was sharing. She did another half turn, undoing her pants and slowly sliding them down off her hips. She made a big show and wiggled from side to side. His hands were drawn to her hips, to her legs, pulling her into him so he could kiss her sides and finish pushing the legs of her pants off. He buried his face in her stomach, latching onto the skin over her hipbone.

"Okay, now I have everything I could ever want," he smirked, falling backwards and pulling her on top of him.

Tris yelped, tried to catch herself, and recoiled with regret. The rough, jerking motion had hurt, but she couldn't support her own weight let alone the force of being pulled down. She rolled to the side, fell off the bed, and crumpled on the floor. She stretched out a leg to stop his advance, breathing through the dissipating ache.

"You said you were ready, that it wouldn't hurt," Tobias defended himself, hovering in shock.

"Dammit, Tobias. Of course I did. I say a lot of things to get you to believe me," she collected herself, wiping her eyes.

"Okay, so how is your arm really doing?" He stroked her leg, trying to reassure her.

"I just got half my muscles torn apart and sewn back together, how do you think?"

"I guess I just believe you when you tell me stuff. We don't lie to each other, remember?"

"No. I don't lie. That's the deal, right? You get your secrets and I have to be an open book."

She was letting the pain get the better of her. He could see her counting slowly from one up to five then to ten. He waited, timing his own pause with hers.

"I don't know what you don't tell me. And you said you were okay, not that it was hurting you. I would have been more careful… if you… I should have been more careful."

"What was I supposed to say? That I can't go three hours without pills? That I can't sleep? If that got out, I'd have an even bigger target on my back!"

"Tris, no one is out to get you. And I'm not yapping your business to the damned faction."

"What faction do you live in? I'm a traitor. I may have stopped a simulation, suicides, and made sure everyone kept their memories, but I didn't come right back and beg to be Dauntless. I will forever be a traitor."

"Let's take a minute, okay? Rewind. Are you taking something? You said pills. Are you taking more than the drops?"

Tris's eyes widened and she put her hand over her mouth, realizing the impulsive way her words had come out. "Yeah, I took… I started to take the pain pills. And then the sleeping pills."

"That's it? The same pain pills the doctor gave you at the hospital?"

"Yeah, I've been trying to be careful. I only have two or three of the pain pills with me at a time. The rest stay in the infirmary. But, I needed… I took two earlier today, and then I took another… I didn't mean to yell at you. I've been… I've been taking more than I should, goddammit!"

She crossed over to the bathroom and pulled the small pill container off the counter and dumped two pills into her hand. He followed her, trying to ignore the little bows at her hips and the way the ribbon criss-crossed through the eyelets down the sides. It would be unwise to let himself get caught being aroused. He carefully rubbed her right shoulder, running his palm over her left and down her arm.

"Okay, so you're managing the pain, that's good, that's normal."

"No, it isn't. I don't want to talk to you like that… it's the pills. It has to be the pills." She moved to put the pills in the toilet, but Tobias grabbed her hand and folded her fingers over.

"It's okay. So, you said some things. It's okay. I'd rather get yelled at than you be in pain. So, don't throw those out. Keep them."

Tris put them back in the container and pressed it into his palm. She didn't want them anywhere near her.

Tobias read the label. "You said you took three today?"

Tris nodded, her chin down and eyes closed.

"It says no more than eight in twenty-four hours."

"It has to be the pills."

"Or, it's just the pain. I should have known you'd still be hurting. I got excited. It was an accident." He tried to hand the pill case back to her, but she refused to take it. Tobias tucked them in his pocket and then moved on. "Next, who the hell is calling you a traitor?"

Tris took a deep breath and let it out slowly; she leaned back against him, looking at his face next to hers in the mirror. "I can handle it on my own. I swear. You're right, it must be the pain. When it hurts like that it's hard to think. And apparently, I can't keep my mouth shut."

"I'm serious. I will set them straight, I don't care who they are. Is it Harrison?"

"Tobias, I've got it covered. I didn't mean it. It was just the pi—the pain driving things for a second."

"Okay, if you say so. But I'm here for you. Advice, or whatever." He kissed her temple. "Is there anything I can I do to help?"

"Less throwing me around like a ragdoll, for starters." She elbowed him, pulling his hands down to her hips, getting his focus redirected in an instant.

She liked the pace of his lips along her shoulder and up her neck. She enjoyed watching him in the mirror, seeing what it looked like to be wanted. Fluttering breaths spilled out with each slide of his tongue against her skin. His fingertips digging insistently into her hips. She let her eyes close as she focused on the sensation of his movement. Tris's eyes snapped open when she heard the front door closing. She quickly shut the bathroom door and started turning red.

"Caleb's back," she whispered.

"I am not going to miss this," Tobias sighed.

"Hush." She clapped her hand over his mouth. He kissed her palm with a smirk. "Seriously, he can't see me like this." She pointed to her underwear.

Four popped open the sink cupboard, but it was empty. "Where's your towels?"

"Dryer."

Caleb was picking at the leftovers, loading a plate up. He didn't look surprised to see Tobias, but he watched him critically. He was even a little judgmental when Tobias plucked a towel out of the dryer and headed back to the bathroom.

"Caleb, just… turn around," Tobias sighed as he asked, handing a towel to Tris through the crack in the door.

"Seriously, do you guys ever just use your own damned rooms? You two are too old not to be taking this seriously." Caleb put his hands on the counter and studied the backsplash, an angry huff accompanying the sound of him sucking his teeth.

"What did he mean by that?" Tobias asked, after he ushered Tris into her room.

"Nothing," Tris chirped quickly, clutching the towel around her.

"Something."

"Well, obviously, it's not the first time he's caught us in a compromising position."

"No, the not taking it serious part."

"Oh, that. He um... he doesn't understand." Tris pulled on a bathrobe made of patchwork sweater scraps.

"What's to understand?"

"Well, he... uh... expects us to do the whole courting thing. He doesn't get how or why we're as intimate as we are. As if we were actually gonna get married, right? But I think it's a bit of a double standard, big brother thing." Tris didn't look at Tobias, she adjusted some things in a box instead.

"I mean, aren't we, though? I know not yet. But I suppose... a year or two?" Tris scoffed and sighed. "I told you how I felt about it. I thought you felt the same."

"It's a nice thought. But we can't get married, it wouldn't be allowed. I don't qualify. You don't qualify. We know it. He knows it. So…"

The look he gave her clearly broadcast that he didn't understand.

"Abnegation isn't gonna marry some Dauntless kids. Even if we started off there, we're not a part of them anymore. So there's no point to the courting, no point to any of it. It's a nice thought, though."

"We don't need Abnegation. We'll get married in Dauntless. Do you…do you want to get married?" he asked, tentatively.

"Tobias… selfish people shouldn't get married. We make aggravating wives and bad mothers, not that that matters."

"You're seriously calling yourself selfish after making me dinner, and getting me gifts, and packing leftovers for your brother? Because after making that bread and carrying your boxes, I know I'm not." Tris shrugged and avoided eye contact. "I'm serious, Tris. Do you want to get married?"

She checked the drawers of the desk even though she knew they were empty. "Dauntless don't get married. I guess we could fake something if we move in together, if it makes you feel better about it. But I don't know if they'd even allow that. They're still so 'faction before blood' they probably have a law about it."

"Dauntless get married. Well, some do. Janice is married. Hana was married…. Um, I think Harrison is married. Dauntless have got their own traditions, but really, who cares about Dauntless? It doesn't matter. Do you want to get married?" His insistence got her attention, drew her gaze, and made her pause in consideration of his body language and expression.

"Now? Like, now? You're seriously asking about getting married now?"

Panic. Short breaths and constricted salivary glands robbed him of a response. He wanted her to want it as much as he did, but he hadn't imagined that this was how he'd propose.

"See, even you know it's a bad idea." Tris started to eye her pants. The moment was clearly ruined.

"Tris, nothing would make me happier than knowing that you'd marry me, for real. It doesn't have to be tonight, just knowing you want to is enough." Rightfully, she eyed him like he was crazy. "Tris, when I said it, I meant it. I'd marry you right now, but you're not ready, and that's okay. We'll wait until you think we are ready. Maybe not today or next week, but... dammit! Why else are we bending ourselves over backwards if it's not about forever?"

"Tobias," she warned him, but stood still.

"Tris. Serious, on my life."

She gave him a half smile and a nod. "Okay. Yeah. Fine. Someday, when we've got our shit together."

"Then we're not that far away." He couldn't keep the grin off his face.

Tobias carefully pulled at her fingers until he had her hand firmly in his. He stepped into her, his eyes finding things he'd never seen before. Tris was someone completely new to him. She wasn't just choosing him for a day or a moment. She was choosing him for forever. He didn't even need forever to be tomorrow, just a tomorrow.


A little housekeeping. I have posted two shorts in my mission to publish one short per month this year. Please go take a read and leave a review. Also add an author alert to get email notifications for future posts. I'm also accepting prompts and ideas through my tumblr (see profile) or PM, please not in a review.

January: Flashes in Memoriam - Moments from across a lifetime told in Natalie Prior's voice.

February: Pocket Full of Mumbles - A spry taxi driver comes to the rescue when the Legendary Four needs a lift home.


As always, let me know your thoughts about this chapter in a review. I love hearing your thoughts and what you liked, didn't like, and even your guesses at the future.