Little heads up with this chapter, my friend's idea- men having simulated contractions, just wanted to put Charlie through that, you know, nice as I am, yay! :D


"Hey, Roxy, I just saw the most incredible thing-"

"Half-price shoes?"

"No! Unfortunately… but something even better! You know how men are all, like, ugh, childbirth, piece of pie." Roxy hummed. "Well, I just saw this thing and it simulates contractions for men and PLEASE GET CHARLIE TO DO IT, I WILL PAY YOU!" Roxy let the idea simmer in her mind, her smile growing more and more pleased with each second. "GET IT ON CAMERA TOO, I WANT TO SEE THAT!"

"OK. Hold on… CHARLIE!"

"I'm here, stop yelling." He winced, rubbing at his ears. "What does Christine want now?"

"She had this idea-"

"A REALLY AMAZING IDEA!"

"That you should let us hook you up with a contraction simulator."

"A what now?" Roxy explained, cruelly relishing in the horror that slowly spread across his features. "So, yeah. Feel up to it, Mister I-want-twenty-six kids."

"Twenty-four." He corrected automatically. "One for each letter of the alphab-wait, wait, wait." He shook his head. "That's a thing?" Roxy nodded, smiling smugly. "No, I don't think I need to, I get that childbirth and contractions are... a very big ow. Have you seen how many siblings I have? That's... don't give me that look, I am not... ugh, fine." Christine, still on the other end of the phone, squealed excitedly.

"ROXY, WHATEVER FACE YOU PULLED, REMEMBER IT! ABUSE THE POWER OF WIFEHOOD! I'M GOING TO BOOK THE APPOINTMENT, CALL YOU LATER!" She hung up. Charlie had his hands over his ears.

"Does she have to be so loud all the time?"

"Charlie, meet Christine. A walking talking amplified gob on legs." She pocketed her phone, victorious. "Contractions for you! Oh yeah!"

"But you don't know what they feel like either, you should do it too! Like... preparation or something."

"No. See, the thing is, dear husband, is that I will have to go through it myself in real life whereas you will be in a simulated situation and won't experience the full extent of the pain. You've so many siblings, I'm sure you know the finer details of childbirth. Not to mention the pregnancy beforehand, but think about it. The baby has to move from the womb to the-" He was shaking his head, plugging his ears and 'la-la-la'-ing loudly. Roxy simply raised her voice. "Imagine pushing something the size of a melon out of something the size of a lemon!"

"La la la la la la!"

"Something you've carried for nine months! Don't forget all the limbs and that, contours of the human body after all!"

"Not listening, can't hear you, la la la la- ow, ow, ow..." Roxy had grabbed his hands and bent his fingers back. "OK, OK, I understand. But I'm not some unsympathetic jerk who knocks childbirth aside like it's some walk in the park."

"Yes, but you're my husband and if you loved me and appreciated me, you'd do it." He stared at her, cornered. He tried to formulate an argument, gawping like a fish. His shoulders eventually slumped in defeat and he nodded. Roxy beamed and hugged him. "I'm going to love every second of this."


"Michael, why do you even have one of these?"

"Because they're funny."

"Oh, so you've been tortured by these things?"

"Once. Violet got me." Michael shrugged. "It's taught me a valuable lesson, something I think all men should learn too. Keep still, Charlie, Seltik dammit. Don't look so worried. Your mum got your dad after... Mitchell, I think it was. That's why the younger ones are so spaced out age-wise."

"Why did Vi put you in this?" Roxy gestured at her new favourite piece of technology.

"I needed her help with something after Ronnie was born and she wasn't happy with me. She put me to sleep and woke me up with a good dosage of this. See there? It's on a scale of one to ten, ten being the most painful it can be. Of course, I've had to adjust it to work around a mutant's high pain threshold-"

"What?" Charlie protested. Roxy shushed him. Michael ignored him.

"-that way, he gets an accurate idea for what it would be like for any woman. Particularly his wife." Michael nodded at Roxy, grinning. "Charlie, she's just what you needed. Someone to keep you grounded. In reality."

"I like reality. Just not this reality." Michael flipped a switch and the machine started to buzz gently. Charlie muttered something in a language Roxy didn't recognise, but Michael must have as he scolded him for it, If your mother heard you say that...

"Would you care to do the honours?" He asked Roxy, gesturing to the control button beside him. Roxy checked the camera was all set on the tripod and smiled angelically at her husband.

"The honour is all mine."

"Roxy, this is not in sickness and in heal- holy duck in a cornfield, ow!" Charlie jolted, trying to scramble away from the electrodes. Michael snapped his fingers and restraints locked around Charlie's wrists and ankles. Charlie swore at him in Russian. Roxy pressed the switch again, tears of laughter springing to her eyes as he convulsed and cursed the snake in the grandfather clock. Michael was smiling to himself.

"Mutants have a weird vocabulary under electrical influence. Flaws their senses, it's quite amusing really."

"Why don't humans do that?"

"Your nervous system isn't as wired or as sensitive as ours. Especially a full-blood mutant like Charlie. We're born and bred to be fighters, we need that extra sensitivity to get our instincts working. There's a whole science behind it, I won't bore you now. Zap him again."

"With pleasure."

"No, wait- you son of a hulking jammy dodger, goose feather in kilometre!" Charlie twisted, head against the pillow and spewing jargon in a string of various languages. Michael translated a few of the words, too busy laughing to give her full sentences. He leant over and switched the power up to four. Roxy pushed her thumb down on the button, making her beloved lunatic jump and thrash against his restrictions, a tirade of hysteria tumbling from his lips in his wide range of languages. She let go the button, hysterical, doubling over in a feeble attempt to catch her breath. Charlie was watching her, confused and hurting. "Very big ow..." He muttered.

"Indeed." Roxy agreed breathlessly.

They went through five, six, seven and eight with building humour and blackmail. Roxy had to sit on the floor, legs shaking too much to hold her up anymore. Michael had sat on one of the other beds, snickering into his hand. "Bucket of fudge sticking donkey biscuits, ow! No!"

"One more!" Roxy wheezed. She nodded at Michael, who shook his head slowly.

"You are a cruel, cruel woman."

"This is payback for all those stupid pranks." Michael skipped nine and went straight to ten. Charlie noticed partially in his delirium, trying to sit up. "Ah." Roxy waved the remote at him and he froze, despairing. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"No alphabet children."

"So how many?"

"Twenty-three." Roxy smacked the button. Charlie proceeded to tug on the restraints, straining, fists clenched, twisting this way and that in any attempt to abate the pain. Instead, he began to insist he was 'dying, dying, dying!', tense from head to toe, visibly shattered and drained beyond all reason. Roxy smiled to herself. "However many you want, just... never again, I'm sorry, I'll be good."

"Michael, I want one of these for Christmas."

"I thought you might." Michael smiled. Charlie groaned in defeat and slumped backwards. "He'll be fine. Give him a few days to get his head around that."

"It's a shame they haven't simulated the rest of childbirth." Roxy mused aloud. Charlie's head popped back up, aghast. Michael nodded seriously, playing along. "That would be even better to watch, don't you think?"

"I'll work on it right away."

"I'm calling my lawyer!"

"You don't have a lawyer!"

"Violet can be!"

"She's a lawyer?"

"No." Michael sighed. "No, she's the spokeswoman of all mutants. She's in court alot, but that does not make her a lawyer, Charlie, we've been over this!"

"Everything hurts..."

"Well done, Sherlock."

"There is no end to this suffering..."

"Oh please." Roxy scoffed, handing the remote back. "It's not like you actually gave birth, that's just the run-up to it."

"What?" Michael removed the restraints with a click of his fingers. Charlie started to remove the electrodes before either one of them could reinstate his slow demise. "After all that and nothing? There's still more to go?"

"I thought you knew all about that, considering the surplus of siblings you've got." Michael admitted.

"Yeah, but... no, no, that is... women are... oh, what's the phrase now? Metal? Women are metal as hell. I don't know if that's the phrase, don't hold me to it, but Seltik dammit, I will never walk again."

"You big baby, get up! I'm hungry after all that! And we've got to take the video to Christine."

"Only if Dylan goes through this too."

"Agreed."

"Right. Come back in a few years to get me."

"Ugh, men. Such drama queens!"

"Hey." Michael argued jokingly. "Not all mean are drama queens. Some of us are drama kings."

"Yeah, you're just a jester." Charlie propped himself up on his elbows, wincing. "I am a victim of the modern day plague."

"You really are a big baby."

"No, but it feels like I just had one."