Chapter 54: I Gotta Pee

"I gotta pee. Are they done yet?"

"Nope."

"They done yet?"

"Nope.

"…nowwwwwwwww?"

"Nope."

"Whataboutnow?"

"Ruffnutt!" (Clank!) "Can it!"

"Ow! Tuffnutt!" (Clank – clank!) "I gotta pee!"

"That's what your helmet is for!"

CLANK!

"OW!"

"THAT'S what my HELMET is for!"

"You guys!" Astrid flung her battle axe. She shouldered through Fishlegs and Snoutlout as the twelve inch blade whacked between Ruffnutt and Tuffnutt. "Cut it out! I'm trying to think!"

"Scholarly and beautiful – ow!" Snoutlout cringed as Astrid punched his sternum. "Ahh. And astonishingly strong."

"Oh everybody…" Fishlegs' three chins quivered. "Stop fighting. Remember what Chief Stoick said! We're supposed to be quiet while he holds council with Drago."

"Ha!" Astrid wrenched her axe from the Great Hall. As an afterthought she walloped the stonework, praying that Chief Stoick and Drago would hear the echo inside.

"Ha!" Astrid repeated, kicking the wall. "Drago! Stupid Drago! Who does he think he is anyway?"

"Um, a Power Hungry Master of All Things Dragon?" Fishlegs offered. He gulped under Astrid's glare. "Well…that's what Drago told us when he arrived."

"Yes!" Astrid plowed through her comrades. She pointed to the night sky. It was swarming with dragons. Their dragons. "And he also BRAIN WASHED our dragons! Look at them! Our dragons are POSSESSED! They only answer to Drago's call! Stormfly doesn't even recognize me!"

Uniformly the Vikings depressed. Astrid lowered her arm: she'd never seen her friends so down-in-the-dumps. For the love of Thor !; she'd never seen Berk so down-in-the-dumps. It was very un-Viking-like.

Glumly Astrid sat. Rethinking the past, she gazed at the flying dragons.

It had been an awful autumn – and by Viking standards, "awful" ranked somewhere between eating dragon poop and decapitation. Not awesome. Not good.

All their trouble started when Hiccup left on his crazy quest to revitalize The King of the Otherland. Although she and Hiccup weren't officially dating, Astrid qualified their parting argument as a 'lover's spat.' Sure axes had been thrown, punches had been caught, and unkind words had been said, but Astrid feared for Hiccup. His mission was futile and dangerous – what if he never came back?

"Well you're yelling at me!" Hiccup had retorted. "Why should you care if I come back?"

Astrid closed her eyes. Painfully, she remembered the words that had tumbled from her mouth. "Because I love – "

Yeah. THAT conversation had ended lickity split. Lickity split as a typhoomerang dragon sliding down a water slide (for non-Vikings – that's fast).

"Bye Astrid." Hiccup had muttered, bright red.

"Bye Hiccup." Astrid had muttered, brighter red.

"Punch for the road?" Hiccup had asked.

"Sure." SOCK.

"Ouch. Thanks. Bye."

"Bye."

Romance. Not exactly Astrid's forte. But not exactly a Viking forte either – Vikings were romantic as a runny nose.

Regardless, Hiccup's disappearance made Astrid miserable. She missed him; and every morning she awaited his safe return. But as her wait became longer and her impatience grew, Astrid convinced her Viking brethren (Snoutlout, Fishlegs, Ruffnutt, and Tuffnutt) to help her find him.

But then Drago arrived.

Drago. Drago Bludvist.

Astrid chopped her axe. Angrily, she hacked mini crevasses between her legs.

She did not like Drago Bludvist. At all.

Drago Bludvist was a Viking chieftain, and apparently some sort of fancy warlord with a severe attitude problem. He had arrived in Berk seconds before Astrid began her hunt for Hiccup. The moment Astrid mounted Stormfly (her dragon), Drago had screamed. Wildly jerking his sword in circles, Drago had somehow summoned the dragons with his call. And as the dragons swirled robotically into the air, Drago had demanded that Chief Stoick and the tribe of Hairy Hooligans follow him to take Fantasia.

Abrupt. Weird.

And really irritating.

Without their dragons, Astrid and her fellow riders could not fly. And if they could not fly, they could not save Hiccup's sorry butt.

Astrid had hollered to Stormfly until she was hoarse, but to no avail. Stormfly would not respond. Drago's call had possessed the dragons; day and night they soared overhead, breathing fire and groaning like slaves.

It was demoralizing. The Vikings loved their dragons. Yes, love. And it wasn't a frivolous love – like loving a puppy, or loving a brand new car. It was a best friend love – a best friend that would fight with you, and for you against impossible odds. And, for Vikings, odds were usually a little worse than impossible.

Sadly, Astrid ran a thumb across her blade. Each Viking rode a different dragon, and each species offered different advantages. Some dragons were heavily armored, while others spit venom or flew lightning fast. But even the strongest, swiftest, fiercest dragon paired with the strongest, swiftest, fiercest Viking, could never compete with a rider that loved her dragon. It was a mysterious, powerful bond. But, as Hiccup always said, it was not the species of dragon that made a good rider – it was the bond between them.

Astrid scanned the sky. Instantly she found Stormfly. The deadly nadder's majestic yellow and blue hide gleamed against the firelight as she swooped overhead.

Heavily, Astrid sighed. Reactively, the circle of young Vikings echoed her distress. They too missed their dragons.

Astrid scanned the circle. They were a motley bunch. How they had all survived 20 years without killing each other, Astrid would never know. Circling left to right, Astrid studied her coeds.

First there was Snoutlout. The shortest of the Vikings (5 feet 6 inches helmet on, 5 feet 3 inches helmet off), Snoutlout was a hero in his own mind. The quintessential Viking, Snoutlout was a meathead. Snoutlout's dragon, Hookfang, was a scarlet Monstrous Nightmare with a short temper and kerosene flames (a volatile combination).

Next in line was Fishlegs. Fishlegs was puffy as an overstuffed pillow, and just about as lethal. However, what he lacked in brawn, Fishlegs compensated with brain. The village nerd, Fishlegs adored dragon trivia and could spout 'dragon statistics' faster than Hiccup. Moreover, Fishlegs' bond with his dragon (a female Gronckle named Meatlug) rivaled that of Hiccup and Toothless.

Finally there were the twins: Ruffnutt and Tuffnutt. Ruffnutt was the girl, Tuffnutt was the boy and they were both blond, crass, and crazy. Notorious for bickering and breaking rules, they delighted in danger. Pain was a stimulant; agony was adrenaline.

Ruff and Tuff shared a two headed Hideous Zippleback dragon named Barf and Belch. One dragon. Two heads. Half a brain. Kinda like the twins.

Astrid sawed her axe into the earth. Yup. They were a motley, motely bunch. But they all shared a special role: they were the original dragon riders of Berk. And thanks to Drago, they were soulless without their dragons.

"I GOTTA peeeeeeeeeeee!" Ruffnutt moaned. Rolling over Tuffnutt, she almost got tangled in her three foot long pigtails. "Why hasn't Chief Stoick killed Drago yet?!"

"Because Drago is controlling our dragons." Astrid snapped, once again locating Stormfly. "Drago could make them attack us at any minute."

"Personally," said Snoutlout. "I vote we just go along with Drago and attack Fantasia. I mean the guy looks like a gorilla and everything – "

"—you look like a gorilla." Astrid mumbled.

"—but anything is better than sitting on our butts. And come on – Fantasia? Please, we could annihilate that country drunk. I mean how long could it possibly take – 11 seconds?"

"Ten." corrected Tuffnutt.

"Nine."revised Snoutlout.

"Eight."

"Seven!"

"Six!"

"Five!"

"Four!"

"Three!"

"Two!"

"STOP I'm going to pee!" howled Ruffnutt.

"Fantasia." Tuffnutt snorted. "Fairytale land. Bunch o' sissies."

"Tuffnutt is right." Fishlegs nodded. "Dragons in Fantasia are not trained. All Fantasian dragons live underground. They sleep half the day and are mesmerized by gold. Hiccup and I named them Lazy Boys."

"Whoa! Whoa!" Snoutlout waved. "Time out, you named them?"

Wide-eyed, Fishlegs blinked. "That's what we do with new dragon species. We name them."

"Yeah I know. But without us?"

"Um…."

"Aren't we supposed to VOTE on stuff like that?"

Fishlegs gulped. Vikings took 'naming' very seriously. "…oops?"

"Oops? Oops won't mend my broken heart! Wait till Hiccup gets back! I'll show him what's what!"

"If Drago doesn't free our dragons…" Astrid climbed to her feet. "Then Hiccup might never get back!"

"Speak of the devil then, huh?"

"AH!" Tuffnutt rammed Ruffnutt with his helmet. Elatedly he pointed behind Astrid. "HICCUP!"

"Hiccup!" Fishlegs squealed.

"Hiccup!" Snoutlout roared. "You NAMED dragons WITHOUT us?"

"Hiccup!" Ruffnutt pulled her pigtails and wailed. "I HAVE TO PEE!"

Breathlessly Astrid turned. "Hiccup?"

Hiccup emerged from beneath Toothless' wings. He was lopsided as his grin, but he was alive! Astrid was so happy.

"Hiccup! How DARE you come back!"

Well…she was also mad.

"How dare you come back here!" Astrid raved. "You think it's okay to just waltz out, and expect everyone to sing your praises when you return?"

"I'm guessing this is a bad time to for a round of 'Hail the Conquering Hero?'" Fishlegs whispered.

"Yeah." Snoutlout verified. "Probably."

"Ruff!" Tuffnutt whacked his sister. "Astrid's gonna kill Hiccup! Pay attention!"

"Ohhhh!" Ruffnutt groaned. "I gotta pee…"

Astrid brandished her axe. "Do you know how worried we've all been? Huh? You're in BIG trouble mister! The second you dismount Toothless I'm going to crack your skull and knock your stupid brains out!"

"Cool." Tuffnutt smiled.

Ruffnutt agreed. "Yeah. Still gotta pee."

"Cocky!" Astrid spluttered as Hiccup descended. "Reckless! Dewey-eyed! Irrational-!"

"Ya done yet?" Hiccup asked.

"—wuss!" Astrid spat, arms cross over her axe. "So what do you have to say to THAT?"

Hiccup considered. Then he nudged Toothless.

"Bud, as we discussed. Get her axe."

Astrid blinked. "Ge my a -? TOOTHLESS! Toothless give that back! Toothless! Toothless!"

"Sorry Astrid." Limping forward, Hiccup blocked Astrid's punch. "But this is for my safety and your own good."

"Hiccup!" Astrid yelled. "Your dragon had better drop my axe right now or I'm gonna –"

Hiccup leaned. Cupping Astrid's head, he smothered her anger with a kiss.

"Oh." Ruffnutt popped upright, bladder forgotten. "Ohhhhh myyyyyyyyyyyyy."

"Ugh." Tuffnutt grunted. "Gross."

Toothless rolled his eyes. Unimpressed he chewed Astrid's axe. About time, Hiccup.

"Hiccup's kissing Astrid." Snoutlout slowly connected the dots. "Which means….Astrid has a boyfriend now. Which means…."

"...there's only one single Viking female left in Berk." Fishlegs finished. "Just one single lady."

Snoutlout and Fishlegs turned. Dreamily they watched Ruffnutt squeezing her bladder.

"Oh for the love of Thor." Tuffnutt clonked his head. Great. His sister was the last single Viking female in Berk. "Somebody skewer me or neuter them. Hey! Astrid! Hiccup! Quit with the kissy- kissy! Start punching each other again!"

Astrid and Hiccup withdrew.

"We are either all or nothing, Astrid." Bashfully Hiccup grinned. "Please don't punch me."

Astrid smiled. She punched him anyway – but it was lighter. Only a minor bruise.

"Glad you're back. Welcome home."

"Yeah. Speaking of which." Hiccup motioned to the hypnotized dragons. "What's going on?"

Astrid related Drago's tale. By the end, she was spitting like a volcano and eager for Hiccup to explode.

But Hiccup surprised her.

"Drago wants to take Fantasia?" Signaling to Toothless, Hiccup staggered to the Great Hall. "Might not be a bad idea. Let's hear what he has to say."

"What?" Astrid chased Hiccup through the oak doors. The Vikings followed. "Hiccup! No! Are you nuts! Drago wants to take over Berk -"

Astrid's cries were overblown by a chorus of "HICCUP!" as the chieftains cheered and Chief Stoick embraced his son.

"Jus' in time Hiccup." Thick accent lost in his beard, Stoick nodded at Drago. Supporting Hiccup's weak side, he marched to the center of the Great Hall.

"Here, Drago Bludvist!" Stoick bellowed, raising Hiccup's arm.

Hiccup winced. "Ow, elbow joint."

Stoick continued with a hearty shake. "Ye think ye can force Berk into yer war against Fantasia? Ye think ye can control our dragons! Well – here is my son! The dragon trainer! Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III!"

"Dad the name is really not helping…"

"And MY SON!" Stoick thumped Hiccup before Drago. "Will tell ye why we will not fight yer war te take Fantasia!"

Hiccup wavered on his bent prosthetic. Moving back a hand, he felt for Toothless.

"Drago. Drago Bludvist."

Drago nodded. His filthy dreadlocks hung like ropes over his eyes. "Aye."

Hiccup lifted his head. "You want to take Fantasia? With our dragons?"

"Aye."

Hiccup gazed. Suddenly he looked down, eyes watering.

The Vikings murmured. What was Hiccup doing? Was that sentiment? No dust. There was dust in his eye, it must be dust. Vikings don't cry.

"I…" Hiccup ground his eyes. Remembering The King – his king –Hiccup announced. "I think we should. I think we should take Fantasia. To avenge our King."

Drago smiled.

The Vikings erupted.

But in the end, a decision was made.

The Vikings would take Fantasia.

"Vindictive, mysterious, and cruel?" Snoutlout scratched his head. "That's new for Hiccup."

"Yeah." Tuffnutt grinned. "I like it."

"It scares me." Fishlegs said. "But at least we get our dragons."

"Something is wrong." Astrid peered suspiciously as Hiccup and Drago shook. "This goes against everything Hiccup believes in."

Fishlegs shrugged. "Well, if you think about it, this is actually the most rational decision. Drago might have turned our dragons against us otherwise. Maybe Hiccup's just going with the flow."

"Speaking of going with the flow…." Snoutlout simpered sweetly at Ruffnutt. "Still have to pee my little lotus flower?"

Ruffnutt made a face. Ew. Yuck. Was he flirting with her?

Tuffnutt looked down. He was standing in a mysterious puddle.

"Nope." Tuffnutt said, flicking yellow droplets from his boot. "She's good."


...

Big4girl poem:

Revenge, Revenge, The King I will avenge. I'll take Fantasia and avenge our king, don't make me sing it. Revenge is on my mind and I won't lose this time so don't wait for me because in the front I'll be.

...


sultal's notes:

(1) So, again - single male characters in the fan fiction universe are RARE (almost as rare as a single lady Vikings ;)) so there are LITERALLY a BILLION ships for Hiccup out there. Again, sorry to disappoint anyone, but I went with the best ship for this story.

(2) To those that know me, I am not one to sit down and watch a movie. I think going to a movie theater is boring, and I have a hard time sitting through an entire movie without wanting to shoot myself. BUT BUT BUT - I will say this: The How To Train Your Dragon movies kept my attention and I literally will watch them just to watch them. I love these characters, and I highly recommend watching HTTYD 1 and 2! So freaking funny.

(3) keep writing.