Well it's an early morning for me (but I'm guessing most of you in America are getting ready for bed) just so that I can show you how much I appreciate your awesome reviews.
It's another Carlisle POV but we will hear from Jasper soon. (I just prefer writing as Carlisle)
Disclaimer: I do not own twilight.
Carlisle's POV
How could somebody go from looking dangerous to extremely vulnerable within a matter of seconds? It was like he had been flipped by a switch. I was absolutely clueless about what to do next. I knew that Jasper couldn't help his moods of vulnerability but I hated how it led to violence whether he was a danger to himself or to other people. I would have thought he would have grabbed the knife and run off so that he could cause some more self damage to his skin but instead he had pointed the knife at me. It was the look that he gave me when I realised that he would actually use it. If Alice hadn't been here, things could have gotten ugly.
He was shaking violently but his breathing was at a steady pace meaning that the shaking had nothing to do with a panic attack. It probably had something to do with shock and fear. His face certainly showed that. He took a few steps backwards but he didn't run like I thought he would.
I could tell that Alice just wanted to run close so that she could comfort him but she was smart enough to know that this wasn't the right moment for that. That would make him run. He opened his mouth as he tried to speak but not a word came out. Both of his hands were bleeding a little but he didn't seem to notice it.
"Go to your room. I'll be there in a minute" I whispered to him.
He forcefully nodded and without hesitation, he left the kitchen room. I wasn't sure whether I trusted him enough to not leave the house but I was relieved when I heard light footsteps run up the stairs.
Esme stood there shocked whereas Alice looked completely worried for Jasper.
"Did you give him his medication this morning?" I asked my wife.
She answered with a nod. Maybe he needed to be given something stronger. No, that couldn't be it.
"Do you think this has something to do with the way he acted around me earlier?" I questioned.
She nodded again.
"Dad, he didn't mean it" Alice spoke quietly.
"I know"
But that didn't mean he wasn't dangerous
"He still staying here, right?" Alice questioned.
I didn't know. I loved all my children dearly and I couldn't stand the thought of seeing any of them get hurt. Could he even be a danger to Alice? They were alone a lot of the time and if I kept allowing that, how would I know that he flipped again? I couldn't take that risk. But giving him up would damage him. I was stuck on what to do. It was something that I had to think on but choose before another disaster happens. I'll have to talk to Esme after I have seen Jasper. I couldn't leave him for too long on his own in that state.
I was about to leave the room when Alice's voice pulled me back.
"He's not is he? You're gonna make him leave" she stated.
"I don't know" I replied plainly before leaving.
I didn't want to look back, knowing that the face that I would see would be broken. If I gave up on Jasper, he wouldn't be the only one I'm hurting.
I went up the stairs and into the bathroom where the medical cabinet is. I grabbed some cotton wool and filled a small bowl with water so that I could aid Jasper's nailed palms. I then entered his room without knocking because I knew that he wouldn't answer anyway.
He was still shaking as he was curled up in his favorite corner of the room. He was crying; probably full of self hate. He didn't seem to notice me as I got closer to him but I didn't want to startle him again so I called him quietly just to let him know that I was here.
"Jasper"
He didn't respond in any way but just ignored it as I moved within touching distance. I had expected him to freak out or at least flinch when I grabbed his hand but he didn't move a muscle. He just let me do what I wanted to do.
I hope that this wasn't his way in saying punish me however you like. I'll let you but more of a help me. I'll let you. However it was, he was letting me do something. I dampened a piece of cotton wool before placing it over the red nail marks on his right palm. If it hurt him, he showed no sign of feeling it.
His palm was no longer bleeding which was good so I assumed his left one wasn't either. I treated that one the same as I did with the right but Jasper still didn't respond. The only way I could identify that he was himself was because of the tears that fell from his face. He made no noise though. Once I was done with treating him, I pushed the equipment away so I could focus on getting Jasper's attention.
"What happened, Jasper?" I asked gently.
He didn't move; he didn't even look at me.
"I wanted to hurt you" he stated darkly
He sounded like he still did.
"Why?" I questioned.
"Because you hurt me" he replied with no emotion.
I hurt him? What did he mean by that? It couldn't have been physically because I never laid a single finger on him but it couldn't have been emotionally either. I gave him everything he wanted apart from the whole 'going to school' thing but that was for his own good.
"How?"
He didn't reply this time and he still hadn't moved from his position. Didn't he feel uncomfortable sitting like that?
"Tell me, Jasper. If I had hurt you, I need to know how" I begged him.
"You didn't hurt me" he said, confused.
"Jasper, you're making no sense. I either did or didn't hurt you"
I didn't understand what he was trying to say. He had pointed a knife at me because I hurt him and now he is saying that I didn't hurt him. He had me so confused. He finally looked at me and tilted his head.
"Esme didn't tell you?" He whispered curiously.
That's right. Esme knew something but she would rather me hear it from Jasper. She knew the reason why Jasper acted that way around me. But he wouldn't tell me nothing, would he? I shook my head at him.
"Tell me what?" I asked.
He looked down guiltily as a few more tears form. I put my hand on his shoulder which, yet again, he didn't react to at all.
"I can't help you unless I can understand you more but right now, I have no idea what's going through your mind. I need to know why you acted that way" I persuaded.
"I was scared" he whispered shamefully.
"Of..." I coaxed.
I already knew that he was scared but getting him to admit it must have made him feel a little embarrassed. I just needed to know why.
"You" he whispered again.
Although part of me felt it coming, it hurt to hear him say it. He was scared of me but not of anybody else? Surely there was something that I did wrong. I just needed to understand what it was. I sat there and waited for him to say something more but he didn't. He seemed to be waiting for me to leave.
"What did I do, Jasper?" I begged him to answer.
"Nothing. Esme knows" he quietly spoke.
I shook my head at him. "I want to hear it from you".
I knew what would happen if I found out from Esme. He would begin to think that I was getting all the information about him from other people so he would stop telling others about things like this. I needed him to be more open to me about this. What was he so afraid of?
"Then you'll never hear it" he said, plainly.
I sighed at this. Why did he have to be like this? It was clear that he didn't even want me to be in here. All those times where he had actually looked up to me as a father were now gone. He was gone. Whatever it was that made him think that I was a threat ruined how comfortable he used to be around me. Did he even want to be here?
When Dr Simmons had spoke to me that day, he suggested that I adopt him. He also pointed out how a mental institution would probably be best for him because of all his problems. I thought he was wrong. I thought that I could fix him and give him a happy life but it just doesn't seem like it. What if he was right? What if this really was the safest place for him?
Without another word, I moved my hand off his shoulder and stood up after grabbing the cotton wool and water before leaving his room.
"Yeah. Leave the messed up kid on his own. Good job, Carlisle" he shouted as I shut the door.
Ignoring his comment, I put the equipment back into the medical cabinet but put the used cotton wool in the bin. I heard loud noises coming from his room and I was sure that this was his way in getting my attention back onto him. It was when the noises started to sound like things being trashed when I finally went back in there.
The set of drawers that he had always moved out of the way so that he could sit in the corner had each and every drawer taken out as they were tossed around his room. There was a large crack in his window as well as another blood mark on the wall; similar to the one there was last time when he had been punching it during the time that he was avoiding Alice.
Jasper stood in the middle of the room as he glared at me.
"Jasper?"
"You don't want me anymore" he stated darkly.
I truly didn't know what to say. I did want him but the real question was; did I want him enough to risk injury to the rest of the family? No. I could never do that to them.
"You said I could trust you" he threw back at me. "I knew I shouldn't have" he whispered.
"Jasper, I need you to understand that what happened today could happen again and next time, it could be worse" I explained.
"You promised that you would help me! You lied! You're a liar! You're a bad person! I want to go home! Take me home right now!" he screamed.
I couldn't believe he still wanted to go back home. His real father wasn't there but I knew that despite everything, Jasper was willing to wait for him to be released. Well he would be waiting an extremely long time.
"You are home" I calmed him.
"Don't say that! This isn't my home! This will never be my home! You never wanted me! You hate me!" He accused.
I didn't have a clue where he was getting all these ideas from but I had loved this kid as much as my others. I never hated him and I wanted him to be part of this family more than anything. He is part of this family.
"Jasper, I want to do what's best for you" I tried.
"If you wanted to do what was best for me you should have let me die but you didn't. You made me suffer. You wanted me to suffer" he shouted.
Tears continued to fall down his cheeks as he lowered his body to the ground.
"I wanted you to be my father. I wanted to forget about him and let you replace him but you don't want to. You don't want me" he whispered.
Is that how he saw it all this time? He thought that considering that I had adopted him, I hadn't wanted to be the father he needed? He should have told me about this. He always thinks the wrong things. He was always assuming the worst. It's strange how I thought exactly the same thing but vice versa. He didn't seem to want the role of being a son. I crouched down by him and removed his hands away from his eyes so that he could look at me.
"Jasper, you have no idea how wrong you are. I do want you and I'm trying my hardest to not let you go but things just keep on getting worse. I want you to be safe" I explained.
"But I want to stay here" he whispered as another tear fell from his eye. "Don't make me go. Please, don't"
He clenched his fist in my shirt as his hands shook. His eyes looked dead into mine as he pleaded me. It was the look that was so difficult to deny and even had me convinced that maybe my family were safe from him if I gave in. I sound like I had already made my decision to let him go. Would that make me a bad person for giving up on him?
"Please. Give me one more chance. I'm really sorry" he cried as he shifted closer to me.
He seemed to be holding on for dear life with the grip he had on me. I felt so sympathetic towards him. He was begging me to let him stay here. I couldn't help but pull him closer to me as he cried. It just felt like we were back to the same routine of comforting.
"I'm really sorry. Please, I don't want to go. Let me stay" he begged, tearfully.
I lay my chin on top of his head as he continued. I was absolutely stuck. I really wanted to help him. Perhaps I should really give him another shot at this. I knew that it wasn't easy for him and he was trying his best. He has been through too much. Could I really give up on all the effort that we have put in to making him feel comfortable around the house? As he quietened down, I put a hand through his hair and then whispered.
"I'm not gonna let you go"
I hope that was okay...I may need some reassurance... Also, for those who are reading 'secrets of pain' I will be updating that tonight. 12 hours maximum.
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