Chapter 49 – Once Upon A Midnight Dreary
A/N- I'm sorry but this chapter is going to be a little sad, though I have made Edd happy these past few chapters we must remember he suffers depression and always has hence the logical and emotional sides I have used in the past to express this, the Nazz incident just made it worse within him. Depression is funny in a way that one moment you're fine and then the next you have fallen down the rabbit hole gasping for air. A song that I suggest and as always will let you know when to play is Fix You by Coldplay.
Edd woke up early that morning, and early for Edd means four thirty in the morning early. The moment his mind snapped awake is when it began, the pit of his stomach was in a knot and felt like it was on fire, the anxiety within him was running rampant and the sadness was playing havoc with his mind. He knew he should get up and do something to distract his mind from its current state, but the sadness sapped his energy and the thought of leaving the bed quickly left him. "What have I done?" He thought to himself, "Why did I push for it?" He looks at Kevin's peaceful face as he slept, his arm was still around his waist hold him close. "I am going to push him away if I keep doing stupid things like that." Edd caress's his fiancé's cheek, "But I love him, and I want him to know how much I do and how much I trust him." Edd withdraws his hand and looks away from Kevin then whispers to himself "Stupid, you were stupid, all you did was make him worry." With each self deprecating word he spoke or thought the flame in the pit of his stomach would flare up and cause him emotional pain.
Kevin stirs, pulling Edd even closers to himself nuzzling his chin against Edd's shoulder and his nose against his cheek, "I love you," he says, Edd was half scared Kevin had heard him but quickly realizes he had been talking in his sleep.
The pit in his stomach was growing deeper and his emotional side was in control "Look at what you will be losing if you keep this up, look at how much he cares for you and you want to drive him away with your idiotic actions." Edd could feel the tears fill his eyes, and his throat tighten, "This is why your friends are moving on with their lives and way from you, because you're selfish, SELFISH, only ever thinking about yourself." A sob escapes his throat, he quickly pulls back the blanket and extracts himself from Kevin's grip.
"Where are you going?" The red head murmurs, he was barely awake enough to speak.
Edd swallows and takes a deep breath to contain himself long enough to get out, "The restroom." He gets out of the bed and walks out of the bedroom, Kevin quickly returns to a state of half asleep, the back of his mind said something was wrong but his brain hadn't woken up enough to fully realize it yet. Edd enters the bathroom and locks the door behind him, collapsing to the floor with his back against the door still holding the knob he begins to sob, muffling the sounds of his tears with his free hand. As his state of mind deteriorates his thoughts become darker, "He's going to leave you, and you'll be all alone, you will die alone, who would want a broke piece of shit like you, why does he still want you now for that matter, oh that's right financial support, he couldn't have the apartment without you helping out after all." Edd curls up into a ball and begins to sob into his knees, the logical side of his brain which was only a whisper at this point was telling him none of this was true that Kevin loved him and he needed to believe and focus on that and nothing more. The emotional side was still at it growing stronger with each second, "Once he finds someone to replace you, you'll be out the door and back to mommy's wont you. Maybe Justin will take your place, they looked good together didn't they, a perfect match for one another, they can run off and play football together wouldn't that be perfect." This course of thought continued for fifteen more minutes, Edd curled up with his back to the door sobbing into his knees arms covering his face.
Kevin's mind woke up finally, Edd wasn't curled up in his arms asleep and he reached over to try and find him but he wasn't there, "Oh that's right he went to the bathroom. How long ago was that?" Opening his eyes he looked at the clock it was five in the morning, he vaguely remembered the time he saw when Edd left the bed, it has been twenty minutes now. Getting up he makes his way to the bathroom letting out a small yawn as he walked across the carpeted floor, as he neared the bathroom door he could hear the light muffled sound of Edd crying. Tapping gently on the door he heard Edd jump as the movement was right on the other side of the door, "Edd, you all right?"
Begin the song here, Fix You by Coldplay.
Edd whipped away the tears from his face with the heel of his hand, swallowed the cleared his throat, "Yeah, I'm fine." But his voice cracked as he spoke giving him away even further.
"You don't sound alright," Kevin said softly, he was worried and he knelt down to where he knew Edd was sitting on the floor, "Why don't you open the door and let's talk about it."
Edd gets up and heads over to the sink, looking at himself in the mirror he didn't like what he saw at the moment his emotional side still playing with him, "Your tears will drive him away even faster." Edd turns on the water and starts to soak his hands to wash his face off hopefully to remove any evidence that he had been crying, "I'll be out in a minute."
Kevin waited patiently by the door for Edd to open it, and when it finally did Kevin saw the puffy bloodshot eyes which confirmed to him that Edd had been crying, but the look of those eyes told him so much more, that his love was still in pain. Reaching out he tried to caress Edd's cheek but Edd flinched from the touch, it wasn't that he didn't want Kevin to touch him, it was just his mind was rejecting any comfort at this moment. "What's the matter?" Kevin spoke softly, still seeing the pain in Edd's eyes and the fresh tears ready to spill at a moment's notice.
"I don't want to talk about it." Edd moves past him and toward the bedroom.
"Edd please," Edd continued toward the bedroom without turning to face him, Kevin had enough, "Damn it Edd stop and talk to me."
Edd halts in his tracks hearing the concern in Kevin's voice but doesn't turn to face him, "You won't like what you'll hear."
Kevin walks up to him and places his hand softly on Edd's shoulder, Edd tenses up as though the touch was painful to him, "Babe, I'm here for you, talk to me." Kevin says softly, Edd's shoulder begins to shack a little followed by quick choppy breathing, a sob escapes his lips. Kevin turns him gently to face him, pulling him into a tight huge and they both collapse to the floor. Kevin sooths Edd by rocking him back and forth, "Shhsshh, I'm here, I'm here it's alright."
Edd cries into Kevin's chest and tries to talk through the sobs, "I'm so stupid, I know I shouldn't be thinking this way."
Kevin could feel his heart breaking at the pain Edd was enduring, "No, you're not stupid Edd, talk to me tell me what's wrong, please."
Edd takes a minute to try and calm down as well as fight the thoughts that he will scare Kevin away if he confesses his fears to him, taking a few deep breaths he speaks but his voice was still shaky, "I'm scared I'm pushing you away."
"I'm not going anywhere." Kevin kept his voice soft and reassuring.
"I know that, deep down I do, but this," Edd smacks the side of his head with the palm of his hand, Kevin takes that hand so he wouldn't do it again, "Won't stop focusing on it," His emotional side chimes in "He's left you before." Edd squeezes his eyes shut tight as the tears continue to stream down his face, "I keep thinking that if I continue to mess up like I did tonight, or if I cry too much, or if I couldn't help out with the bills, that you will grow tired of me and leave."
"I'm here for the long haul babe," Kevin squeezed him tighter and could feel his own eyes starting to water, "You did nothing wrong tonight Edd," Kevin kissed his forehead, "I love you, and that's never going to change." Kevin didn't know what more he could do for Edd, and it made his heart ache for his fiancé.
They remained like that on the floor holding each other, Kevin comforting Edd as he slowly calmed down, focusing more so on his lovers affections then the irrational thoughts going through his mind. Finally the tears subsided, and in place of the anxiety and sadness that was in the pit of his stomach a moment ago he now felt numb, as though a small push could send him back over the edge again at any moment. Whipping the tears from his face again he looks up at Kevin, and Kevin could still see the sadness there though it had diminished slightly, "I'm sorry."
"Nothing to apologize about," Kevin said as he brushed Edd's bangs out of his face, "Do you want to sit here a little longer or should I help you to bed?"
"Bed." Edd replied, Kevin stands up then gently picks Edd up, cradling him in his arms as he carries him into the bedroom, setting him down gently upon the bed he covers him up.
Getting in on his side, he brings Edd to him to cuddle, "So, when's your next appointment with Dr. Lee?"
Edd spoke quietly into Kevin's chest, "A week from Tuesday."
Kevin rubbed Edd's back, still trying to sooth him and to show him affection, "Do you think it would be alright if I sat in on it with you? I want to ask the Doc some question." Edd nodded his head in confirmation but didn't say a word, "Ok I'll make sure to get the day off, I'm sure Alice won't mind." Kevin laid there watching over his beloved as he slowly fell back to sleep, all the while whispering gently words of love and affection to him as he thought of question he needed to ask Dr. Lee when he and Edd next saw her.
