Windows of the Soul: Part Fifty-Two
In general, I can only write decent large group scenes when I've written every participant apart, at least a little. Hopefully after 50-odd chapters it's within the range of possibility...
Is this a dream or an imagining? Or is this real? I spent hours last night pondering that, considering the circumstances, trying to find less obvious and more intuitive meanings than the ordinary conclusion. Phantasms that faded with daylight, those thoughts aren't worth speaking of. And this morning seems to have been confirmation, as well. But I can't deny the slightly surreal nature of this outcome. This is what I've always wanted, wantonly written onto reality, but the very fact that I did nothing and said nothing but simply received her love without asking makes me feel… strange. It's a stupid distinction, of course. There's no way I would have allowed myself to impose on her feelings by pursuing her again. If anything were to happen, it would have to be like this. And in any case, I gave her tacit permission by saying what I said long ago. But my worries were not on this note, though they were related. It makes it hard to pin down when and why that romantic dream became a reality. What I feel, in part, is an absent wonder for an outcome I did not ask for nor deserve.
I put my hands on my knees and looked thoughtfully up at the sky. Even so, I've become aware of many things. My passivity, my weakness, my stubbornly unchanging nature, and the degree to which Natsuki has done everything for me, suffering all the while. I do not want to trouble her… those words have always been intended sincerely, though they've often also been misapplied. And in this instance, I need to move beyond my mere ordinary patterns of thought. What I deserve or did not deserve, earned or did not earn, what I receive and what I think about it, all of that is a moot point, really. What is, is, and that is that Natsuki loves me. I don't really understand, insofar as I've done much harm to her and little good. But that just means I should ask her, and remember what she says. If it's Natsuki, she will have a reason for her emotions; she's not a weak, easily lead person I could control by mere expectations alone.
And in the meantime, I should bear her own desires in mind. At this point, she wants me to smile, be happy, stay with her, and enjoy this prospective future with her. I am also sincerely happy, amidst all my other thoughts. More than that. Much more than that. My fear is entirely connected to the fact that these emotions are potent and swelling within me, joy and desire and release from my self-hate all welling up. After so long, I'm almost at a loss to control those feelings, and certainly I'm afraid that there's some mistake, or I'll make some mistake, or circumstances will change, and regardless this hope will be dashed by a harsher reality. After so long, I'm not particularly accustomed to being very happy, and in its own way it makes me feel brittle and vulnerable.
I'm not well, I know that. My own mistakes have burdened me with guilt, and I've struggled to bear it. Even without that, my situation has been emotionally difficult at times, and even with the support of so many people, I've been pushed and twisted, and my wounds have healed slowly. No slower than the wounds I've inflicted on others, but still. For them, at least, hate can be externalised. Nao hates me, and Haruka hates me. I often wondered whether Natsuki hated me. She said as much, from time to time, and she had sufficient reasons. I hate myself, and that is a problematic statement. Slowly and painfully I've been reminded of that difficulty, and dealt with it in various ways, from denial to a degree of release. Nonetheless, merely superimposing new emotions- my love for Natsuki, which is no longer a burden for me- won't take away the old ones. My contradiction is that my love loves me who hates myself. In that situation, I already know that I will trouble her. I have already done that several times over.
All the same, I have a quiet confidence now. Today is much easier than yesterday, and I already know I've come some way from how I have before. As I am, I can smile and laugh with Natsuki. I certainly enjoy my time with her, which is more than I did before our time here when her every gesture and word felt like it was pushing me away. At least, that was my perception, but no longer. Her presence has always eased my worries and calmed my emotions, and now I know she will continue to be by my side. For as long as that is the case, I am certain I can do it. By continuing to relish her company, not just with fake smiles but with sincerity, I can also regain myself. If I struggle, I know she will listen to me without impatience or anger. And I'm not in an impossible situation. My wounds can heal, my troubles can be smoothed over, my contradictions can be resolved. That sounds like selfishness, but selfishness in itself is necessary in some way. In any case, I can be forgiven, and I can forgive myself. Now more than ever I need to bear that in mind and realise it, for both of us.
And she loves me. If I look back honestly, I can see her warmth and her regard for me, her human kindness, not a saintly and cold redemption but a simple, unthinking acceptance given because of her own passions. When I was sad, she was sad, and she still enjoyed my happiness, so she can forgive me. Struggling through that week with me, following me, protecting me and cradling me, watching me, talking and listening to me, laughing with me, undoubtedly she's been passionate in taking care of me and enjoying my company. I was happy to call that the love of her friendship, even when she used that word. So what is the important distinction? The physical gestures, how she kissed me last night? If I close my eyes, I swear I can still feel her warmth on my lips, the strength of her body pressed against my own, filling me with a guilty and heavy desire. But it isn't just that, though that is part of it. That would probably be meaningless without that other, quintessential thing. It might be the specialness of it. She loves Mai and she loves me, but her love for me is different, and is for me alone. No one else will receive this, so it has a true emotional significance. There's also an implication of permanence, by that specialness. I cannot easily find in someone else what I find in you, so I will stay with you. That, perhaps, is what has changed since the kiss. Underlying assumptions are different.
Really, I know all too much about being in love with one person and little enough about love. I should clearly reflect on these things, for Natsuki's sake as well. I'm just myself, after all. I have a lot to learn.
This is going to be an interesting holiday, isn't it?
I wasn't exactly paying attention to the world around me, but it's very hard to miss Mikoto. Well, she's a dynamic person.
"Kaichou!" she shouted, running towards me. "Do know a good place to hide?"
I waved. "A place to hide?"
"I'm playing hide and seek with Ani, but I'm running out of places to hide," Mikoto explained, coming to halt in front of me. She looked barely fazed by the run. "Is there a good secret place?"
"Not that I know offhand," I said, trying to think.
"Too bad." Mikoto pouted. "I can't climb up a tree again, he always finds me…"
Our poor trees.
"Oh, yeah! How are you, Kaichou?" Mikoto grinned. "Ani always tells me to ask that when I talk to people."
"I'm good, I suppose," I replied, rubbing my forehead. "Probably, yes."
"I see. That's good! I'm good, too!" Mikoto nodded. "So let's have fun today!"
I smiled. "Right." Actually, I'd almost forgotten about the picnic. I can't afford to brood all day. "Oh, and I have an idea." I brought my hands together, smiling at her. "Where is Reito? I'll go that way and stall for time, so you have longer to hide."
"So Kaichou wants to talk to Ani?" Mikoto nodded to herself. "He's that way, amongst the trees again," she explained, pointing.
I nodded, slightly disconcerted. "Thank you. I'll go on, then."
Mikoto nodded, and took off again. She certainly has energy. It was moderately disturbing to learn after all this time that Natsuki wasn't exaggerating about that.
I walked the other way, composing myself. This was, as it were, the other matter that needed to be taken care of. Besides, talking to Reito is always an interesting experience. It keeps me on my toes, to say the least.
I actually found him facing a tree. Presumably, he was counting to a thousand. "Good morning," I said pleasantly.
"Good morning," Reito replied easily.
Honestly, he's always gone easy on regrets. I almost envy him.
"Is it okay if we talk for a minute," I suggested, frowning at him. "Of course, you might have to chase after Mikoto, I assume."
"Perhaps. But I'm still counting, so I'll see what I can do." Reito turned, putting his back to the tree and looking at me. "So, can I help you?"
"You can satisfy a few points of curiosity." I smiled sweetly. "Yesterday, were you the one who suggested that Mai and Tate go out?"
Reito chuckled. "Is that an accusation?"
"I shouldn't think so," I said reasonably. "Doing something like that wouldn't be unreasonable, surely? So it's just a question, after all."
"Well, you aren't wrong," Reito said, shrugging. "Did you ask them?"
"No. That was intuition. Never take a woman's intuition lightly." I frowned. "And Natsuki, was that your idea as well?"
"You're overestimating her regard for me, I'm afraid," Reito said. "In any case, you're in a remarkable mood this morning, compared to yesterday anyway. Did something happen?"
"I've been doing a lot of thinking this morning, for various reasons," I imitated. "All the same, it's yesterday I'm chiefly concerned about."
"Is that so?" Reito asked, his eyes narrowing slightly. "If I said something out of line, I apologise."
"With me and you alike, it doesn't feel like those words are worth very much," I replied. "In any case, though, my intention was to apologise to you. I let my paranoia get the better of me, which is very unsightly."
"Not at all. It's healthy, isn't it? To consider the worst-case scenario every now and then." Reito shrugged, smiling at me. "People don't do that very often, I'm afraid, and they're often the worse for it."
"Of course. But my fear wasn't particularly constructive, because it was mostly founded on fantasy. In that instance isn't it altogether pointless?"
"Not really. In that instance, it's a learning experience. Or could I say, because your inner fears were articulated by you yesterday you can stand calmly before me today?" Reito kept his tone even. "Or so one could say, if he was arguing that position. Emotion is rarely superfluous, you know, but it's often better brought and dealt with than the alternative."
"That's a pretty theoretical point, far removed from what people actually think or want, isn't it?"
"Somewhat," Reito conceded. "I'm not a fan of denial, that's all."
"You'll undoubtedly make a good politician one day, speaking like that," I replied. "And what were you intending, by your agenda yesterday?"
"My agenda?" Reito queried. "That overstates the case."
I snorted. "But if it wasn't, would your answer be the same as it was the last time I asked? Or not?"
Reito shrugged. "I've always been a consistent person."
"Yes, you have," I agreed. "That's why I'm still trying to work you out. I find it difficult to proscribe outright malice to your actions, but equally difficult to find another easy explanation."
"I'm not sure what you're talking about," Reito said innocently. "But if that's the case, are you sure it wouldn't be much easier to hate me? You may well be overcomplicating things."
"I think that's my line," I said dryly. "But putting that aside, not really, no. I'm not so naïve as to be comforted by that. At the very least, you let me think clearly and realise a few useful things. Not that I'm exactly thanking you for your assistance…"
"If I did, then it was all your conscientiousness," Reito said, raising his hands. "I'm not as subtle as all that, surely, and I was just speaking honestly yesterday."
"Merely lying or telling the truth doesn't really relate to your motives. But if that's the case, can you tell me clearly now what you thought of Natsuki's departure?" I asked pointedly.
"All of what I said had some validity in my mind." Reito narrowed his eyes. "I'm sure you can elaborate in your own mind. Natsuki-chan is stubborn, wilful and independent. She keeps criminal contacts and has a chequered past not assisted by her proximity to you. She's known as the most important person of Shizuru Fujino-Hime."
"I suppose I should expect no less of you, considering the circumstances," I remarked. "But I can't help but feel that's a misleading truth of yours. Did you consider anything else?"
"Perhaps. But why the sudden interest in what I think someone thinks of you?"
"Well, circumstances have changed very recently. Or, to state things plainly, Natsuki confessed to me last night." Though it feels strange to say those words.
"Really? I take it you accepted her feelings?" Reito asked.
His face had moved, but not, I think, enough to justify thinking he had no apprehensions. Well, that will do. I suppose in this situation anyone else might be more observant than I was. That completely unfazed reply is just another confirmation.
"I'm not sure why everyone keeps wondering about that," I said, trying to smile. "I don't think that was ever in doubt."
"Your actions in recent times haven't always tended to the logical," Reito said reproachfully. "One of the reasons for my personal interest. In any case, I'm very glad for you. Congratulations."
"No hard feelings?" I asked thoughtfully.
"In the end, a romantic dream is exactly that," Reito said, smiling. "But I'm afraid this is another strike against my reputation as a lady-killer. It feels like lesbians shouldn't count, as I wasn't to know, but I should have done my research."
I smirked, trying not to look too amused. "You have a strange sense of humour."
"So people often say. But that aside, I can only repeat my congratulations. You must be very happy."
"Naturally," I said. "In any case, as far as I'm concerned, you can consider this a settled business. That's to say that your honesty, while always welcome, isn't sought after. I'm going to take care of everything myself."
"That's a promise of value, coming from you." Reito smiled. "I may even follow it. But I'll also reserve my freedom for movement as I see fit."
"At the very least, you're honest," I replied, sighing. "And for my part, I'll look for a chance to pay you back in kind. To what degree you were involved in the outcome doesn't have much to do with the fact that I'm indebted to your kind thoughts." I folded my arms. "As such I'm obliged to return that. You aren't less needful than me."
Reito chuckled. "You shouldn't worry about me. You have more important concerns than horse-trading now, don't you?"
"Perhaps, but you know me. I dislike simply ignoring such things."
He gave me another of his boyishly innocent looks, all charm. "I see. Are you angry?"
"Should I be?" I returned evenly.
"Probably, or are you trying to confuse me?" Reito asked. "But perhaps I should just accept what I receive."
"I'm not particularly angry, save with myself," I said. "Foolishness doesn't befit me. You should probably settle for that, indeed."
"But leaving things with a reply like that is a little boring," Reito pointed out.
"I'll give you a more productive warning. If you do anything to interfere with Natsuki or I in future, I won't forgive you that," I warned.
"Don't worry. I don't have such a destructive intention. But it's good to hear you say that, all the same. It's very cute." Reito smiled. "Well, I've finished counting. If you want to help me find my errant sister, you're welcome."
"I don't really mind," I replied, rankling at the 'cute'. Perhaps I should just attack him more directly, after all. He's no less stubborn than I am.
"In any case, I'm sure you worked out yesterday's problem, and why it is only partially a weakness," Reito said conversationally. He started to walk out of the grove. "It's an interesting case, isn't it?"
"Another object lesson?" I asked dryly. "I thought I'd finished with compulsory education."
"You don't need to listen, unless you want to humour my whims." Reito glanced at me. "In any case, if it's about Natsuki-chan, you're always wide open. That's an unusually human characteristic you possess, perhaps neither a good thing nor a bad one… but something you should always bear in mind."
"I know," I said impatiently. "It's not as if I'm unaware of that characteristic myself. But these things can't be helped. Rather, it's in bad taste to take advantage of that fact."
"Taste is most often something that gets in the way of what you want to achieve," Reito said. "Don't you think?"
"Perhaps. But often with good reason," I pointed out.
"In any case, what you sought to achieve in leaving her behind wasn't an incorrect impulse. Obviously, this outcome is preferable. But you probably have a certain apprehension even now."
"There's nothing gained without risk," I said. "Tedious fears are exactly that."
"Precisely," Reito said, turning and glancing at me again. "If a situation is going to change for the better, risk and fear are necessary. Don't you think?"
I thought about that for a moment. "Hmm. You really do go too far from time to time, don't you?"
"Speaking in general terms, it makes for an interesting life," Reito replied.
Can I just say, for the record, that I hate cooking? I've never been dishonest and pretended anything else. Frankly, a girl who subjected herself to ten years of instant noodles and whatever random edibles were on offer at the time is not going to overcome that genetic bias just because Mai's in one of her moods. And as a result, I'm not very good at either. But when in Mai's in one of her moods, logic doesn't come into anything.
And in spite of Mai's whispered suggestions, I'm not making Shizuru a bento either. Courtship by food might suit someone like her, but not for me. If the way to someone's heart is through his or her stomach, I'd turn even Shizuru against me pretty quickly.
Well, fine. I'm not actually that bad, to be honest. I'm not good, but I'm not that bad. The truth is simpler; making good food is a pain, and I'd rather do something else, so it makes sense for me to maintain that I can't cook at all in order to avoid being dragged into these things. But like I said, logic didn't come into it. All of that relates to the fact that I wasn't sure of the outcome, though. Even if we were basically just holding things for Mai, Tate, Shiho and I don't represent the most potent culinary team. The last time we did something like this was at that bloody stupid cooking contest, and that didn't end well either.
If I recall correctly, Shizuru managed to get out of doing anything that time, too. She should tell me how she always does that at some point.
When we finally got back, most of the rest were waiting. "All done!" Mai said brightly. "We should go in a minute, to ensure a good spot!"
"We're waiting on Viola," Shinri said briefly. "She's getting changed."
I blinked. "What are you doing here?"
"Waiting," Shinri replied easily.
And you know what? He wasn't wearing a kimono or a business suit. It's downright unnatural to see him in casual, about a formal, ageing sort of casual. I think that violates a rule of the universe.
"He's coming with us, of course," Mai said to me. "I'm very glad."
"Seriously?" I frowned. "I didn't see him at breakfast."
"I had a few things to take care of, even on a day off," Shinri said shortly. "My schedule is flexible but unrelenting. It's a slightly different way of living from your casual freedom, Kuga."
"Well, I'm sure," I replied icily, sweeping past him and sitting down next to Shizuru. There wasn't much room, but I've never let that stop me.
"Now, now, don't fight, you two," Shizuru said, sounding vaguely amused. "I doubt Okasama would approve."
"Yes, yes," I said idly, leaning back. "And just what were you doing with your time, anyway?"
"Hide and seek," Mikoto explained. "It's more fun when there's two people looking for you. It's really hard."
"Hide and seek," I replied, taking a strained breath. "Good. Great. I'm glad you all had fun…"
"Did the cooking go well?" Reito asked politely.
"More or less," Mai said, sitting down. "There were a few mishaps, though."
"Hmm. Can you cook, Kuga?" Shinri asked, glancing at me.
"A little," I said defensively. "How about you?"
"Not at all," Shinri said proudly. "I was just curious. But it's a commendable talent."
"To the best of my knowledge, Shizuru can't cook either," I said pointedly.
"Perhaps," Shizuru admitted slyly.
"Commendable and important aren't the same thing," Shinri clarified, waving a hand dismissively.
"I don't disagree with that," Tate said tiredly.
"Yuichi! You should stop sulking, already." Mai folded her arms. "In any case, I hope you appreciate my efforts all the time. Don't take cooking lightly."
"Yes, yes…"
"What food do we have, Mai?" Mikoto asked brightly. "Is there ice cream?"
"That's a secret," Mai said playfully. "You'll see later."
"Okay." Mikoto pouted. "But can I taste some?"
"No. You aren't going to ruin your appetite this time!" Mai said strictly. "Just wait patiently."
"But it might be poisoned!" Mikoto argued.
"Ara, Ara. I don't think even Natsuki's cooking is that bad…" Shizuru mused.
"That's not fair!" I protested. "When was the last time you ate my cooking, anyway?"
"Hmm, let's see." Shizuru started counting off something on her fingers.
"Onii-chan was far worse, anyway," Shiho said briefly.
"That's not fair!" Tate protested. "I had a harder job!"
"Maybe, but she didn't drop a frying pan," Shiho said pointedly.
"How many times am I going to have to apologise for that?" Tate demanded hotly. "Besides, you weren't doing so wonderfully yourself!"
"Ara, Ara." Viola stepped into the room after Saaya, looking around with those vague pink eyes of hers. "Is everyone already here?"
"That's correct," Saaya said crisply. She was balancing a large parasol over her right shoulder and carrying a smaller, hand-held one in her left.
"Then I'm sorry I've held everyone up," Viola remarked. "But I thought it would be altogether too much to go out in a kimono today."
She was wearing a white dress, similar to Shizuru's but with a far longer skirt, and long white gloves. On her head was a floppy hat, close to the one Shizuru was balancing on her knees.
"You, too?" I asked playfully. "It's very strange seeing you dressed like that."
"I imagine so," Viola noted, tugging her sleeve thoughtfully. "I feel rather strange myself. It's been a while."
"Oh, oh!" Mikoto said, looking between them. "Are we going to the beach?"
"Mikoto, that's rude!" Mai said reproachfully.
"It's fine," Viola said cheerfully. "Going to the beach might not be a bad idea, either. What do you think, dear?"
"I doubt it's practical, under the circumstances," Shinri said. "Putting that aside, but are you sure about this?"
"Of course. I've been looking forwards to it."
Shinri nodded, before glancing at us. "And this goes without saying, of course, but be careful around my wife. That's important."
"My, Shinri," Viola said. "You don't have to put it like that. I'm not made of glass, you know."
"It's just a reminder, that's all," Shinri said, folding his arms.
"Don't worry. We won't do anything reckless," Mai said reassuringly.
"Did you hear that, Mikoto?" Reito asked. "We need to protect Viola-san from the sun. Remember that."
"The sun? That's a pretty scary enemy. It's big and far." Mikoto nodded. "Got it. Don't worry. Even if it's the sun, Ani and I can protect you."
"Well, that's a great relief to know," Viola said wryly.
"In any case, we should have an interesting time," Shizuru remarked, standing up. She slipped her hat onto her head and walked over to where her mother was standing. "But what does everyone think?"
"In poise and elegance, unmistakably mother and daughter," Reito remarked grandly.
"Oh, that's pretty cute, actually," Mai said, smiling. "Don't you think, Natsuki?"
I blinked. "Well, I guess so."
"We should take a picture," Mai suggested. "Actually, someone has a camera, right?"
"Don't worry, that's well-covered," Saaya remarked. "We have one in the car, so whoever wants to use it for the day can. Just don't use flash, okay?"
"In any case, we should probably wait until we've arrived somewhere interesting before taking any photos," Viola noted. "I don't think I need any more pictures of my own living room."
"Hmm. Well, it'll keep, I guess." Mai frowned. "And Tate can carry the camera!"
"Do I have to?" Tate asked. "I'm already carrying all the food, damnit!"
"If no one minds, I can take the camera," Reito suggested. "I'd quite like to take photos, if no one has any objection to that."
"Well, I didn't say anything about who was going to use it," Mai teased. "That's fine."
"Hey, he's a man too," Tate protested. "This just isn't fair!"
"Since when did this have anything to do with you being a man?"
"In any case, if we have nothing else to attend to, we should probably leave without further procrastination," Shinri remarked.
"There's no need to be so hurried, is there?" Viola asked. "It's fine to take a leisurely pace."
"Efficiency is always exactly itself," Shinri said firmly. "No matter the circumstances."
"Hmm," Viola remarked, brushing her sleeve thoughtfully against her pale lips. "Ah. Could it be that you're actually looking forwards to getting there? That's very sweet of you."
"How about you, Natsuki?" Shizuru asked, looking down at me. "Ready to go?"
"Whenever is fine with me," I replied, standing and stretching. "I suppose there's no point in spinning things out."
"Right," Mai agreed. "Shall we?"
And so we went, whether that was efficiency or not.
"Hey, hey, what food did you make?" Mikoto asked, bouncing around Shiho.
"Just wait and see," Shiho suggested with reserve.
"And how are you this morning?" Reito asked, looking at me.
"Same as ever, really," I said, vaguely puzzled at the sudden attention. "Making food is still a pain."
"Hmm. Well, I'll congratulate you on your hard work," Reito added. "It can't have been simple for you."
"Not really. Look, I'm not a great cook, but it's not as bad as all that…"
Shizuru coughed. "Indeed. Besides, that's a settled matter now. We should talk about other things."
"I suppose so," Reito agreed. "It should certainly be an interesting experience."
"Senpai, can you help me carry this stuff?" Tate called, struggling along. "We made quite a lot."
"Hmm. It can't be helped, I suppose." Reito nodded, falling back a little. "We just have to get to the cars, you know. That shouldn't be too challenging for someone like you?"
"Huh? We're being driven?"
"Naturally."
I sighed. "As your father says, we're a casual bunch, aren't we? Hopefully we won't cause any trouble."
"Don't worry about it," Shizuru said reassuringly. "I'm sure things will be more interesting because of that."
"Hmm. And the house?"
"The servants will be watching it."
"Is that so?" I asked, frowning. "You're trusting people, surprisingly enough. You have a lot of valuables, right?"
"Well, we have our methods," Shizuru said innocently. "Not least the fact that we know everyone. Or, Okasama, specifically. She deals with interviewing any new servant herself."
"So that's how it is… sounds like a pain."
"Less than you'd think, we're reliable people," Saaya shot back, grinning at me.
I frowned back. "Yeah, that's probably true of old fogies who've been at the job for thirty years."
"You should be careful," Saaya suggested, poking a parasol at me. "I'm the one with a pointy object to hand right now."
"I'll bear that in mind," I replied dryly. "But I guess Hideko isn't coming?"
Shizuru blinked. "No. Well, she's not really family the same way as Saaya is."
"It's a pity. I quite like her, in spite of everything," I mused, half to myself.
"She might not be comfortable coming," Shizuru said. "But, it's a thought for the future…" She looked away, frowning.
Almost without looking, we walked past Saaya and Viola, who had paused for a moment by the door. I looked back, watching as Saaya passed Viola sunglasses and unfolded the smaller parasol. "Are you ready?"
"Just a moment," Viola remarked, adjusting the sunglasses with her left hand. "It's been… quite some time, hasn't it?"
"Don't worry," Shinri said, turning back to look at her. "You'll be fine. More than that, I'm worried about these brats, so I'm the one counting on you."
"Just who are brats, anyway?" I muttered, as Shizuru touched my arm and lead me on.
"You never were good with children," Viola teased. She took an audible breath, then stepped outside.
It was a clear day.
