For a second I'm too numb. The smoke is invading my lungs but that feeling numbs too. The restroom stall around me fades until it's just him and I. His gaze, stoic as always, snipes right through me. He knows, he must know how much I've thought about this recently. How many of my dreams has he invaded with his sweet charm, his intoxicating aroma, that amazing body…

The fact that I can think of him like that, so intimately, so easily…it's still a tad unnerving, but somehow it's gotten easier. I guess time has made it possible.

He grabs my cheek, caressing it with his thumb. An easy moan escapes my lips. I want him to just say it…say words. My body absolutely aches for him. I shudder when those velvety soft lips glide against my jaw. They soar to my ear, nibbling on the lobe as his other hand begins to explore my body. It goes down, first to my chest. My heart seems to start and stop at random with each of his touches. Just his gaze could make it arrest. His fingers trail down, over my nipple, just one graze makes the bead harden. It goes further, over my stomach, to my…

I heave a heavy moan into his mouth. I can feel him smiling against me as he knows he has me, I'm putty in his hands. Or rather my Johnson is putty in his hands. Another moan escapes when his slender fingers begin to rub my crotch agonizingly slowly.

Oh God

"You like that?" he asks against my mouth. I've lost my ability to form coherent sentences at this point so I just nod vigorously. One of his hands expertly snakes behind my head and grabs a chunk of my hair.

"Good, because this is the last time we can do this." He breathes against my cheek. My eyes steel open and then everything's gone. His warm form, expert hands, his smell are gone. It's like he was never here.

"Blake?" my mom knocks on my door. My eyes shoot open and instantly a pang slams against my chest. Why did it have to be a dream? Why was life so cruel?

"Yeah mom?" My voice cracks beneath me as I choke the memory of his touch.

"Breakfast downstairs." She says before leaving me. Thank god she didn't come in. Then there'd be questions of…everything. That's the thing about moms, you want to tell them what's wrong but I can't bear to tell her everything about my life. She'd probably kill me.

"Yeah," my voice shatters again. "Be down soon." I try my best to not sound broken but I pretty much fail. Like always. I hear her walk away and I feel a weight reprieve from my chest. I just have to get up and live with it. I have to live with that weight that starts every time I'm in that bathroom again. Every time I see him I get that weight but it's my burden right? It was my decision to fuck everything up, so I have to live with the consequences.

Suddenly there's a vibration under me. I poke around until I find my phone and his face on the caller ID. My heart jumps. I shoot up in bed and try to think, should I answer?

"Hello?" I practice. My voice still sounds F-ed up. I clear my throat before hitting the answer button. "Michael?"

"Hey Blake," His voice is soft, in whispers. I can feel my palm begin to sweat, the phone begins to shake in my hands. I stand and try to calm my body down. It's just Michael, he shouldn't mean this much to me…right?

"Hey, what's up?" I still sound like I have a cold, dammit.

"I just wanted to talk for a second. See, how you are. You know since we had that whole thing that happened between us…" The weight slams against my chest again. I bite my lip as I try to not let anything I can't take back slip out.

"Yeah about that, and Charlie and all…I'm sorry man. I didn't know he'd be there. And I'm sorry for doing that in the bathroom, I know I shouldn't do that shit." He apologizes. The sounds of his voice makes a piece of me break a little.

"I just worry about you sometimes Michael. I don't want anything to happen to you, okay?" I explain and hope he doesn't shut me out for it.

There's a pause before he speaks. "Yeah I get it." He takes a breath, he sounds…odd somehow. "I just…with all the stuff that happened, it was hard to get over it alright."

"Yeah," I agree. After that there's a lull in conversation. I can't tell if we've just grown apart with so much time or maybe it's just different now but talking to Michael never seemed this hard. I didn't want it to stop though, not when he had called me.

"So are we over what happened between us?" I finally ask. Michael is silent, I can tell he's there by his breathing but he doesn't answer. Not for a little while. "Michael? You still there?" There's another, shorter, lull.

"Yeah," He laughs for second. "Yeah I'm here,"

"Good," I say biting my lip to keep from grinning. The fact that he hadn't hung up…after all the happened gave me a weird tingly felling in my teeth that made me want to just smile.

"What do you think Blake? Do you think it's over? Is it behind us?" That damned almighty question. I thought I knew. I mean I do know. I know right? Maybe? Hopefully? Possibly? Probably not.

My breath shudders as I try to access my feelings…but they seem to be broken. My walls have erected, making it impossible to know what the hell I'm thinking right now. I try to speak, even to put it off, but my throat has run drier than the Sahara. I can't say anything, because I honestly still have no clue about anything. How can anyone expect me to know anything when I'm just so damn clueless? Why was I still so damn clueless?

"I um…" I manage but trail off. I swallow and force myself to say something. "I don't know. I mean I do, possibly. I know something but whatever happened between us…" I clench my fist as I force myself to finish. "I think it might be over. I think maybe…I don't know. There's just a lot there right now. I don't know if we're the best thing for each other." My entire body trembles. I want to shove all of it back in, but I can't. And that weight that had been sitting on my chest seems have lifted with each word. I feel like I can breathe without it on my chest anymore.

I hear nothing on the other line. I know he's there…I mean I think I know. Would he hang up on me? Fuck. I don't want to lost him as my friend but I don't know if we really are the best thing for each other. At least not as anything more than best friends, soul mates maybe but nothing further…

"Michael?" I try, my heart stops as I wait for a reply. I don't get one. Instead I hear more breathes and something else. He clears his throat. Minutes seem to pass as hours. My body can't keep still as I wait for a reply, a word, a sound…something.

"Yeah Blake, I get it." His voice is almost steady, but there's a tiny tremble that I just manage to pick up on. And then suddenly the phone hangs up. He hung up on me. And suddenly I feel more alone than I had in a very long time…

Michael just stared at the phone. Emotions and thoughts were racing through him but his entire body was a statue. It was unfeeling at the moment. Nothing could possibly cross his face with causing permanent damage. If he thought for a second about it…that would be it. He would never recover.

Without thinking he took out the recording app that had been running on his phone again. He stared at the phone, then to his bed side which had a picture of Blake and him from when they were kids. Lies. All of it was one big lie. Any hope Michael ever had was shattered and he couldn't even bear to feel it. It would be bone crushingly hard that Michael might just stop…stop everything.

He scrolled through his contacts until he found the all button. Robotically he hit the send button and that was it. But now there was nothing to gain. Just everything to feel eventually, whenever Michael thought he might survive it.