One of the first things a parent thinks when they first lay eyes on their child is how much they love them. Then they think about how perfect they are and how the world is going to try and corrupt them from that one moment. It becomes second nature to want to protect them.
Instinct.
There I stood watching as my daughter tried to fight off everyone, even me. I didn't focus on the taunts, the accusations. I watched as they put my daughter in a circle, ready to stone her.
My heart broke. How had I created such a machine? She was so tough. I'd wanted it that way. She needed to be able to take care of herself so that the world couldn't break her as easily as it did me. And now she stands against impossible odds, unmoving. Holding her ground because to run- to flee-is not even a word in her vocabulary.
Flight or fight. She has no flight reaction. Ever.
Even if it was Emileah against the world. She'd try to fight it head on.
Go down without a fight? Never.
But right now in this moment when I couldn't protect her, I just wanted her to run. To chicken out. Whatever. Get away from this situation. Let me fix it.
She ignored my silent pleas.
But I couldn't ignore hers. She wasn't telling them everything. I could hear it plainly in her thoughts. Collin probably could too.
She hated them for not helping her, not caring. She missed Sahara and Leo and Claire but she would never admit it out loud. She missed her father and was angry that no one was going after him, not even me. Though I don't think she really expected me too. She was confused. She didn't understand how I could stand being near him, looking at her everyday and not think about what he did to me.
Truth was, I couldn't.
She didn't understand that I would love her to death. To death. No matter what she did, who she became. I could never hold against her, who her father is. Ever. But she thinks so low of me. As if I'm not strong enough, as if I'm not a fighter, as if I'm some dainty princess that takes the easy way out in everything.
She should know it takes more than just some fairy dust to breed a soldier like her.
She's so much like him. She can become so withdrawn, so separated from the others without even trying. Who learns how to build up mental walls by the age of ten? Who can take down a bloodthirsty newborn by the age of eleven? She could beat us both in a foot race by age thirteen.
It terrified me. And I know without verbalizing it, that he felt the same. The imprint had a purpose alright. To bond people but also to create these…
I don't even know what to call my kids. Sam said the imprint was to create stronger wolves.
My child is composed of every single detail that makes us-her parents-feared monsters. I don't even know how much child is left in her. I'd told him that. It had been one of our last conversations.
Why are you doing this? This isn't you. You're not some baby making machine!
Why?! Because Jake and Ness have seven unmarked graves in their backyard. Because Ness miscarries every time she reaches the halfway point in her pregnancy.
You think of Emileah as a monster. Maybe there's a reason Jake and Ness aren't procreating.
You're right, there is a reason. But there's also a reason why I'm helping them.
You know something.
I did know something. I still do know something. Something's coming, I didn't need to read this book to know. Emileah believes she needs proof, believes that she needs to continually prove herself to the pack. It's all she wants, acceptance. I knew the feeling all too well, but she was working from a lower point than myself. It's funny because they should be the ones trying to prove themselves to her. Because we're not strong enough. We were enough for our old enemies but this new enemy, is going to be far too superior for us. Only our children will be able to face it.
I didn't fear my kids. I feared for them. For whatever it was that was coming that was forcing them to become these machines, these assassins. For crying out loud they're only 16 and 17! Paul's kids are 8!
It's why I started drinking coffee. Tamyra was getting worried that my nights I spent worrying about the future and throwing back shots was going to turn me into a stress drinker.
I'm not going to let my pride get in the way of my children safety. If giving birth to an army is what I have to do to keep our kids safe then so be it!
Leah, what's going to happen?
I was no Alice. I didn't know. Not exactly. I just knew that there were some key players that would be needed in the future. Some that were babies, some that weren't born yet. At least I assumed so, but I was going to give my kids every fighting chance to succeed. I'm surprised Emileah hasn't realized that I'm the one holding those two pages hostage.
One page had a picture for future A and the other for future B. Simple really, despite the fact that in one, there's nothing but death.
I refuse to bury any of my kids.
Leah, you have to tell me what you know.
Why?
So I can help you. We're partners even if you can't stomach my presence you have to accept that I'd do anything for you.
I don't have to do anything, especially for you Foster.
Truth was, I did need him. He knew that he needed to be there for me, he just didn't know why. I knew he'd always be there. That he'd never forgive himself for what he did. Even if he wasn't in control. Fate had a twisted way of bringing two people together. The guy was so oblivious to how much I needed him, it was funny. I was independent, strong, tough, that's what everyone thought of me-now- but that's because he doesn't even know when he's helping. The days he encourages me when I'm feeling my lowest but trying not to show. The days he would take the kids when I was stressing out. The times he would take control when we met a very disagreeable group of shifters.
I could handle my own, he knew that, it didn't mean that I always wanted to and when I got to that point, he was always there to take the reigns.
A shout brought me back to the scene going on outside the council building.
And it was in that moment that I realized she'd grown up too quickly. She was an adult ready to face her consequences head on. Even if they seemed unfair.
Then there was Collin. That poor fool. I couldn't help but pity him. She was shutting him down over and over and he just continually tried to put himself out there to help her. I watched as he turned on his own friends.
"I know what it's like to be stuck between a rock and a hard place." He told me one evening when we were preparing to infiltrate a rogue coyote clan.
"How so?"
"I live there."
It wasn't the fact that I knew his story so well. It was the fact that he'd said it so matter of fact. He knew. He just knew this was how life was going to be. Maybe I shouldn't have been protecting my child from being imprinted on.
Sometimes I think I should have protected the guys from imprinting on my child.
Have you ever worked so hard to achieve something and just watch it all crumble at your feet?
I've wanted to be a good mother since everyone said they had faith in me. I had a pack. A partner. My family. My daughter and son.
He was my son.
He is my son. No matter who gave birth to him, I raised him.
And now he's missing and my daughter is pulling away
Isn't that what you wanted?
They were growing too dependent. I'd lost faith in myself to protect, to keep them safe. Something was coming and I didn't know if I had the strength to carry them. I always felt insecure about how I raised my kids. I had been feeling as if I'd failed Leo in a way. As sick as it sounds I was angry, because something nagged at me telling me that Emily might have done a better job raising Leo than I had.I wanted her to be proud of the son-her son- that I'd raised. But at the same time, I wanted to shove it in her face that I could mold her son in my image.
I'm glad that I dropped that line of thinking, it was immature and spiteful. It was why I started slowly disentangling my hold I had over them. They needed to learn on their own.
Emileah always wondered why she had such foreboding thought about some evil upon us.
I didn't have the heart to tell her it was coming from me. That I'd felt something coming, that I know something's coming. Strange that she was the only one to pick up on it. It started with the nightmares. I kept seeing my dad's eyes while life slipped from him. And every night, I'd wake up with arms around me. He said I was feeling so fearful and sad that he couldn't sleep.
Comfort.
While we were "on the road" he would hardly ever let me go after the main enemies. Let's me interrogate and take down weaker ones but he always tried to keep the biggest threat far from me. Whether it was subconscious or not didn't matter, even when I insulted him, calling him a chauvinist. I still deep down appreciated the protection.
Then when he came into the room angry, that I'd loaned my body to someone else. That I'd do something so out of character he was prepared to save me from myself.
How do you tell someone that you only changed because of them?
I had fought it. I really had. But how do you fight that feeling of being whole? Even if you felt it was unjust or undeserved, or just downright strenuous.
When you're lost for so long, aren't you going to jump at the first solid chance to be found?
Moment after moment that he was near me I had felt the cracks. I had hated him at first, loathed his very presence but I endured. Then I simply tolerated it. He was always around, like oxygen. There would be moments when he would just…God he would just be doing that perfect father thing with Emileah when she was young and it would turn me on so bad.
That was the day I realized I'd turned into an old woman. I wanted to jump the guy because he started playing hopscotch with his 7 year old.
I'd convinced myself it was lust, familiarity. We were around each other 24/7. We had a kid together even if the circumstances were far from wonderful. We led a pack together. We were always in each other's head. I was getting too comfortable.
So I ignored the feelings for years. Pushed them to the back of my mind. Focused solely on my children, on the pack, my brother and his family, I even let Jacob call me to vent his frustrations. It was always easier to deal with his problems. But even Jake knew I was hiding something, even when I didn't realize it myself.
I had thought I was missing something.
Turns out I was just ignoring it.
The infamous birthday party had been the breaking point. He had followed me to the room after getting as much situated as he could. I wasn't in a place to deal with damage control. My kids had just run off, my niece was in shock, and my pack was in disarray. Not to mention a large percentage of the Haven supporting vampires had witnessed all that drama. I didn't dwell on it, neither did he.
"Leah, please just talk to me." He enveloped the entire doorway to my guest room. I could sense him not too far from phasing, which meant he was angry, livid, but he held it back because he needed my side of the story.
"I have to do this," I finally reached his eyes, "I can't let anything happen to the kids because of my own selfish pride." It was all the answer I gave him and even though it wasn't specific or clear, he took it. My head had dropped into my hands. I wanted to tell him more but I couldn't. Then his arms were around me. Holding me, then rocking me like he'd done that day after the battle. I didn't cry this time but I felt just as stressed as I had before. Then he started humming something while he rubbed my back, it was soothing. I couldn't help it, with one breath across my neck I was hyperaware of everything he was doing, and the worst part was that he had no clue.
A finger playing in my hair, then a slight peck on my cheek. It was driving me mad.
Needless to say, he was surprised to suddenly find himself flipped onto his back, as I held him down by his shoulders.
"Leah-"
"I can't do this." His eyes softened.
"Then just sit Jake and Ness down and tell them-"
"No," I cut him off before he got the wrong idea. "I can do the surrogacy thing, pregnancy can't nearly be as hard the second time around," he looked confused again, "it's this I can't do." I had motioned between the two of us. He wasn't quite getting it.
"Do you want to split the pack?"He sound sad but urgent as if he had been anticipating this moment to happen." You want to go back to Jake-"
"No, Tre, I can't-I'm not-ugh I'm frustrated!"I closed my eyes so that I wouldn't have to stare into his anymore. Then he starts that comforting rubbing again. How he ever thought I could keep my thoughts straight with him touching me I have no clue.
And that's when my thoughts decided to blare across our link.
He froze, carefully moving his hand away as if to not enrage a dangerous animal.
"Leah-uh do you need me to leave or-" He said uneasily even though he was still 'trapped' beneath me.
"I would rather you stayed." I let it out but it didn't have the reliving feeling I was expecting. What I was about to do was slightly dirty but I couldn't help it. Call me selfish but I could only do so many philanthropic deeds in one decade. "Tre, you would do anything for me right?"
"Yes." I was pulling the imprint card. He was my imprinter but I wasn't his. He had to do anything for me but it didn't work the other way around. He knew this yet and still he answered affirmatively without the slightest hesitation.
"Please," was all I got out before forcing my lips to his. I nearly cried at his accepting response. Strange, we had a teen together and this was the first time we had ever kissed. I reveled in it, maybe because I was frustrated, maybe because he was giving me total control, maybe because I had wished for years that maybe this would have been us had things taken a more natural route, he would have never been forced into alpha status, never would have lost control of himself. Never would have scarred me so severely.
I was deliriously happy for a time, but I found myself waking to the buzzing of an alarm clock.
"Good morning."
Oh God…
Had been my first thought waking up that morning. Arms around my waist, my bare back flush against a bare chest, and said owner of chest was most certifiably butt naked.
"Morning Tre." Had been my nonchalant response despite my inner thoughts of course that calm demeanor didn't last long.
"I'm leaving," is most certainly the one thing a girl does not want to hear that morning after.
"I'm sorry if you felt like I forced you-"
"Don't even finish that sentence L.C," I sighed not even bothering to yell at him for using the nickname. From pet names to nicknames…wonderful. "You asked me last night and I agreed-"
"You make it sound like we signed a contract-"
"If you regret it-"
"No." I didn't. If anything that had been the happiest I'd been in well…a long while. Not to mention the most comfortable sleep I've had since becoming a freaking wolf. "Now why are you leaving?"
"The kidnappings, the murders, the mysterious enemy the Haven has that can cloak its smell-"
"Tre, we're leaving here in a few days to-"
"No, we're not going anywhere." At this I turned around to face him finally managing to not get tangled up in the bed sheets.
"What do you mean we're not going anywhere?"
"You're pregnant."
"And?"
"And?" He echoed, thinking he's funny. "You're not in any condition to go bad guy hunting around the country. I'm going, alone and you're staying here to have the babies-"
"Babies?!" He looked confused for a second as if I was yanking his chain.
"You're carrying more than one, I can distinctly pick up a Jacob like smell on at least one of them." I'd forgotten he was able to smell when someone was pregnant. Then I wondered why he hadn't picked up the scent before. "You're very early in your pregnancy, I could have ignored it but after last night," he paused to clear his throat, "after last night I became very…aware of your body…again." A part of me pleaded with him to never compare last night to what had happened before. Last night had been willing, 16 years ago had not. It was weird but at least now I wouldn't freak out when Carlisle gave me an ultrasound a few weeks later. "I'll get a head start on the trail and hopefully figure out who's taking those kids before the rest of you even have to come."
"Want to steal all the glory?" I joked even though I was lightweight panicking about his departure. Why in the world did he think he needed to go alone? He shouldn't but I'm not his girlfriend, I'm not his wife. Alpha female or no, I can't make such demands of him.
"No, I've been watching you these past few months and I know that despite all the drama that's been going on, you've been happier at home, and relatively well rested," his hand slid up to cup the side of my face. "I don't want to be the one to take that from you just yet."He leaned in closer "There will be plenty more battles for you to fight L.C." His lips ghosted over mine and I felt the beginnings of that euphoria again but I pushed it away when I noticed how tense he was.
"You're holding back." It had a double meaning. He only nodded. "What is it?" This time he forced his mouth to close as he bit down on whatever he was going to say, to stop him from giving into me and blurting it out.
"I…" he paused growing nervous. He was still so close that I felt the tip of his tongue when he licked his own lips. "I don't want to tell you-"
"Tre-"
"But I need to." Another pause. I stayed silent as he gathered his private thoughts. "Leah I'm in love with you and I hate myself for it." I took in a breath, unable to respond.
He loved me but he hated himself.
Did that mean he hated that he loved me? Did he not want to? Our imprint had always been different from the others, was he able to distinguish between what the imprint was making him do and what he really wanted? I shook my head determined to get answers from him and not keep dwelling in my own thoughts.
"Why?"
"Let's not be naïve, Leah." Now he sounds angry? "Control or no, I raped you. It was my body that did the crime. I've accepted that. But this imprint screws up everything. I wanted you before but I stopped that after what happened. Then all I needed was to have my family. You're part of my family. I can't lose you. Over the years I've been watching as our relationship changed. We were…weird at first but then we got more comfortable with each other and we were what you could call friends. Confidants. I thought it would stop there and I could handle that. Wanting to be your friend and having my family around. But it didn't and now I have to suffer in silence. I'm not Collin, I can't handle rejection for years. Girls don't fall in love with their rapist."
It was a statement but I could hear the unspoken question. He wanted to know how I felt. Last night I thought I had acted out in lust but thinking back, after all these years I couldn't feel stagnant towards him. He was right. Girls didn't fall in love with their rapist. But their rapist normally wasn't who the universe deemed as their soul mate. Imprinting hadn't taken away my choices. I had been lusting after guys for the past decade. But it wasn't until, well I'm not quite sure, that my best choice was highlighted. That must have been when his feelings toward me veered from platonic onto romantic.
God I can't believe I'm agreeing with Jake right now.
"You're forgetting one thing Tre." He stared at me curiously. "You're anything your imprint needs you to be." It took him a moment before his eyes widened in surprise at what I was hinting.
"Are you-are you saying that you lo-"
"I'm not saying the L word yet." There would always be that hesitation. I forgave him for the past but I could never forget it. "But I am in very strong like of you right now." Apparently that was enough to satisfy him. He enveloped me in a hug while he murmured all these words of thanks, and adoration into my neck. Then the caresses came which again melded into kisses. We had nearly done a replay of the night before until he heard Seth come barging up the steps from another room in the Alaska mansion intent on speaking to us but completely oblivious to what was happening in the room. I still don't know how Seth never noticed I was wearing Tre's shirt when he came in.
And only a day later he was gone. And that was months ago. It had been a long grueling few months. I'm almost ashamed to say that I've missed him. That I'm worried something's happened, in fact, I know something has because I can feel it.
I told Emileah I would let her know when I heard from her father. The truth was that I couldn't. I couldn't tell her that something had happened to silence him mentally but I could still feel him. I could feel everything that was happening to him. He was suffering and barely alive. Torture was what it felt like.
I thought that imprint only worked one way, boy was I wrong.
I was cracking, breaking, being torn in two but there was no way I could let it show. Sure, I lost my cool more, and lashed out but I couldn't let the pain become evident. Because Emileah would see it.
And she would leave. She would know her father was in trouble and I could not allow her to rush off in a mad dash like her brother.
So why now, as she was circled by the pack while they threatened her life and she stood her ground did I want her to do just that. Run away.
Two different scenarios.
I took in a breath. I already knew what had to be done.
We needed to leave. We were the policing pack, we traveled everywhere making sure the Havens were protected. We had been doing so for 16 years. No one in our pack knew how to stay still for long.
We needed to leave. But we couldn't leave together.
I took a step out of the council building but stopped when I smelt a familiar scent.
"What is going on here?!"
And so the prodigal son returns.
