Chapter 54:
"Wake up," whispered the voice.
It was insistent, and it had been nagging at Star Mertens for a while. She'd had an awful night wedged into a nook in the Lich's purloined airplane with her brother surrounded by the Lich's undead minions. She'd dreamed... horrible things. She'd seen men and women undergo horrendous torture. Some seemed to be submerged in a horrid soup of evil. As she finally came swimming up through the darkness, the little woman tried to scream. She'd seen her father in that awful congealed muck. A firm hand over her mouth stopped her.
"Bad, huh," burbled Marshall Lee? He sounded very sad. Looking into his eyes, Star realized his dreams had been no better. On impulse, the little woman hugged her brother and then kissed his cheek. Glancing around her, she found herself at the edge of a forest. "How long," she asked? "Hour," he replied. Standing up, she stretched and checked her gear. Judging by the temperature, she guessed they were in Siberia. That meant they were at Baba Yaga's place. She was ready as she was going to get. It was time to move.
"Follow my lead," said she as she stepped off. Frowning, he asked, "how did you get put in charge...?" "She's not what you'd call friendly, Marshall," Star replied. "I need you on topic, not going off on a tangent..." The Goth Rocker grimaced in distaste. Then, after several long moments of thinking about it, he finally nodded. Star moved on. They needed to track down the witch, but they also needed to find out where boneface was. "Put your phone in peer-to-peer," said Star. "I'm'a hunt for the water spirit. You hunt down boneface." Minutes later, her invisible brother was soaring across the sky. Sliding her phone back in the holster, the young wizard set out on foot to find a woman who did everything she could not to be found.
Over a thousand miles to the west, her siblings had returned to their father's hut, seeking answers. Fionna had spent the time in fruitless speculation. Billy, ever the skeptic, had argued and tussled with her for hours. Try as he might, he couldn't overcome his sister's concerns. What made Fionna's fears all the more corrosive was the damning evidence she had to support her convictions. She reminded him of their father's behavior earlier in the week. He'd been more interested in spending time chatting with them–even talking about Fionna's baby and what they were going to name it–than on getting the army ready to go to war. Finn the Human had spent much of his time rushing around trying to see everyone and touch anyone he knew personally. At the same time, he'd cut them all off with just a little of his time. He went to see his brother, then left just a half-hour after arriving. It was clear to Fionna that their father was saying goodbye to everybody he cared about.
Arriving at the hut in the icy darkness, the two siblings pounded on the door before basically tearing it off its hinges. They found the rough pallet their father had been sleeping on–along with signs that he hadn't been sleeping there alone. There was no sign of the man himself. His clothes–the ones he'd been wearing the previous day–were gone. Billy conjured a light globe and scanned the area. "His pack is gone," muttered the older man. "I'll bet the bomb was in it," muttered Fionna. She'd tried to kick the pack out of her way at one point and ended up swearing because it had been heavy and rather full of something. Heading for the door of the hut, she said, "we have to stop him. We have to talk sense into him."
When Billy caught up to her outside, he found his sister staring skyward at something that suggested they were out of time for that. A lone object was soaring high over their heads. The Lich had come out to do battle with them. Billy felt a moment's vertigo. He found himself looking through somebody else's eyes. The last time he'd felt this sensation was the moment his mother took hold of the Ice-Tiara–and the Crown renewed its hold on her. The feeling had only lasted a moment then. Now it seemed to go on and on. He felt like he was falling–plummeting–thousands of feet. "Billy," howled Fionna! "What the junk?! What're you doing?" It was then that he realized that he was on his knees and hanging onto Fionna's skirt. "The Ice-Tiara," he babbled. "It's reaching out to me..."
Just then the big man shouted something that was meant as a warning. He was screaming, but no words would come. He found himself falling, wondering if he was ever going to hit bottom. Fionna had no time to spare for her brother and whatever was wrong with him. Just now, with boneface laying waste to the camp, she had to jump into the fight to save their dudes from slaughter. Conjuring her armor, she told her brother, "I'll be back. Sit tight." And then she was rushing after her family's mortal enemy.
The Lich wasn't hard to follow. Just like her father figured, he headed straight for the invasion beach where a small armada of ships sat bobbing in the ocean. It had taken back-breaking effort and a lot of Bonnie's ingenuity to get those ships through the Lich's outer wall. Before Fionna's eyes, the sick fucker began to sink them. The first one was hemmed in on two sides by a pair of instant icebergs. As the two giant chunks of glacial water suddenly sprang into being, they tore the ship's sides with jagged spines, opening the hull to the merciless sea. In short order, the ship was sinking.
Like before, the sick bastard was just having fun–toying with them. He turned to another ship and carefully loaded the topside with ice until it turned turtle–rolling over in the ocean and sinking quickly. He was going to sink every ship there as he could. Feeble blasts of gunfire erupted from the remaining ships. The skeleton crews aboard those ships had been selected from volunteers. They'd known going in that the ships were doomed. In point of fact Fionna's father had counted on that. He'd been counting on the Lich to try sinking every boat there–to kill as many as he could that way and to deprive those who'd gotten ashore a way to escape.
Fionna submerged herself in the dream. The earth was talking to her. Forming shards of glass in either hand, she raced to the top of an icy pinnacle. They'd chosen this spot well. The name of the game was to take away his advantages. He could fly. High as he was, he was close to untouchable for the poor schlubs down on the water or on the land. Except for one thing.
Steel was waiting with her banana-boys when the leggy blonde reached the top of the headland. Camouflaged in white coats and hats, they waited behind walls of sturdy stone faced in ice, courtesy of Fionna's brother. Now, at Fionna's orders, they opened fire with Froyo-Kingdom cannon and captured dart guns. Bombs burst around the Lich, smacking his stolen body around. Fionna winced at every explosion, fearing for her mother's safety. She wanted badly to pull these punches, but there was no other way to force him to the ground–into reach where she could fight him. Her father was right. This had to end here. They couldn't let him freeze the planet. If she had to drive her swords into her own mother's heart, she wouldn't let boneface use the Ice Queen's hands to destroy Ooo.
The Lich found himself buffeted and bracketed by multiple blasts. Slinging freezing blasts of cold, he tried to encapsulate and shatter the fort. To his rage, pinnacles of pure glass rose up, blocking every attempt, nullifying his weapons. The little glass-wizard was back. In the mean-time, he found himself forced lower and lower and then lower still. They didn't try to hit him. They'd learned their lesson and now knew not to bother. They did make it impossible for him to stay aloft. Fine, he thought. We'll finish this on the ground.
Over three-hundred miles away, Finn the Human sat down in an icy chamber at the bottom of a long, icy passage. It had taken a bit of daring, a lot of physical exertion, and the calling in of a marker to get here. Now he stared up at the strange carvings that the Lich had made in the strange, bottomless cavern he called home. Sitting there looking at the carvings, he reflected on the mind of the madman who'd done all of this and wondered how he could have become so twisted. Things that Baba Yaga let slip suggested that he had been a man much like Finn–devoted to caring for others and uninterested in selfish goals. So what happened, dude, Finn asked the icy darkness. How had his nemesis gone over the edge? Was it love? He'd been in love with the nature-spirit–as madly in love with Baba Yaga as Finn was with Simone.
As he traced the carvings with his finger, the big man reflected on that. He knew love could drive you mad. He'd lived it with Bonnie and Phoebe and Simone and finally with Emeraude and Cherry. Love was a kind of madness. It was a drug that could very quickly overwhelm you. He felt that as keenly as he felt the cold on his skin. As he looked at the strange carvings in the Lich's sanctum, he saw signs of what Simon had talked about. He saw signs of a more recent affliction. There were traces of his wife there. Penguin carvings, suggestive of the madness that had afflicted Simone when the Ice Tiara had taken full control of her mind, lay interspersed with the mad maunderings of the Lich. "Big word, Finn," he sighed. Maunderings was a pretty big word. Was something happening to him? Was he going mad?
"No," murmured Betty. "I don't think you're going crazy, but I do think Nadia's nano-bugs are doing something to your brain." Finn whirled around to find his girlfriend standing there at the entrance to the ice-tunnel he'd come through, dressed in her heavy parka, looking like she'd been crying. A lot. Guessing where his mind was going, she said, "Sheila was worried about you, Finn. She didn't understand why you told her not to wait. She was anxious to make sure you didn't get hurt." Dry chuckle, and the older woman said, "you seem to have that effect on women."
Glancing away, Finn blushed to his hair. "What're you doing here," he asked? With a shrug, Betty replied, "loyalty. It's a lesson I had to relearn. I dumped on my dad. I dumped on my husband and daughter. I'm... If this is how it ends, Finn, I'm here with you. I don't have a kingdom, and Patrick is a man now. But you need me." Finn spun to face her, and she could see the arguments form on his lips. Pressing the tip of a finger to his lips, she said, "I can't bear to see another loved one die, Finn. Not like this. He took my husband. He took my child. I'm... You were right in a lot of ways about me, Finn. I'm not good with death. Especially not this way. I'm... Where you go is where I go." When she threw herself on him, Finn caught her and hugged her.
After several minutes of that, the older woman let go. Taking up the shovel she'd brought, she said, "so... I'm guessing you were planning to bury it." Flushing, Finn said, "I was going to turn it on and hide it... Then... I was gonna' go up and wait on him. Figured he wouldn't be able to resist..." Grimly, she said, "I guess we'll talk about that when we get to Theo's quarry, Finn." Flushing, Finn reminded her, "no cussing and no hitting, or you get added time."
Elsewhere, Star rushed through the strangely vibrant forest, searching for the source of the teeming life around them. She felt the Rusalka. That was the crazy thing about it. Maybe it was the fact that she was part-plant. She had as much relationship to the flora she trod on as she did to her very human father. She could feel a vibrant energy radiating outward from the heart of the forest. It was invigorating, seeming to drive away the fatigue of days spent hungry and cold as she pursued the Lich. At the same time, she could feel a darkness, pushing towards her goal. Inside that festering cloud of evil, she could feel distinct presences. She can nullify his powers without really thinking, Star remembered. But Baba Yaga had been a little afraid of the undead. He was using the undead to flush her from hiding.
Star blundered up on the witch without even realizing it. One moment she was tearing through the jungle. The next, she was snared in a mass of vines and being snatched off the ground. Finding herself hanging upside down, staring into the brown eyes of the Rusalka, the little woman felt a shiver of cold fear. She wasn't in this to get torn to pieces, and she knew this woman was known to kill first and ask questions much later. "Well," murmured the witch. "Twinkle, twinkle, little Star. How very far from home you are..." It didn't take much to reverse the little wizard's terror. Being made fun of had the effect of instantly enraging her.
"I came here to fucking keep the Lich from wringing your scrawny neck," muttered the wizard, "so I'd let me down if I were you." Waving her hand–dropping Star on the ground with a thud–Baba Yaga asked, "how is it Yuri came to be here?" Dusting herself off, Star replied, "kidnaped one of Princess Nadia's people and turned him..." The witch muttered curses. She'd been afraid of that. She'd never taken Andreivich/Yuri to her home. Even when they were an item back before the war, she'd never let Yuri know where she hailed from. Unfortunately, the hero's little gaffe had given her enemy the key to her kingdom. She'd felt something awful at the edges of her awareness, making its way through her domain. Now she knew what it was.
Star's phone rang just then. Drawing it from its holster, she called out, "go..." "It's me," said Marshall. "Bonehead's just dropped the pedal. I think he's zeroed in on where your friend is..." Star could feel the darkness as it changed course. "Yup," she sighed. "He's headed this way." "Who's that," the witch demanded? "My brother," Star replied. "We're gonna' need his help." Stepping off, Baba Yaga asked, "how many of his monsters did he bring?" "Few dozen," Star replied. "Why?" The witch muttered curses. That was a lot. Still, she wasn't going without a fight, and she had been preparing for this for a long time.
The Lich and his entourage of evil were making good progress when the trouble came upon them. One moment they were tearing through the forest, withering anything in their way. The next a horde of ancient, half-rusted relics of the long-forgotten Soviet Union came tearing through their ranks. There were ancient tractors and broken-down bulldozers and even a few heavily modified old Ladas. Yuri stopped stock still as the metal creatures tore into his army. At first he feared the cyborg woman had done this. It almost fit the pattern. Then a long lost memory surfaced.
The evil creature remembered. He'd taught Talia how to work on cars. It was for one of those endless cheesecake magazines she posed for. She was supposed to get dolled up in shorts and a tee-shirt like a man and get photographed pretending to fix cars. He'd insisted she actually learn the skill, and he'd brought her out to his brother's garage and taught her. While he was going on a trip down memory lane, his minions were getting the worst of things. The suddenly-animate remnants of a dead culture weren't just mobile. They had a surprising power over his undead. Skeletons and zombies they struck went down with only a glancing blow. Even the Dipped seemed to have trouble with Talia's automatons. It was only when one of his minions shouted a warning that he shook off his surprise.
The youth dove out of the sun and very nearly managed to tag him. Instead a wall of sickly yellow-brown vines came up and blocked him. The dark-haired wraith bounced off and immediately dove for cover. The Lich scanned the scene around him. Who was that little bastard? Taking control once more, the evil being reached out to corrupt the riotous growth, causing rough weeds and prickly grass to rise up and snare the vehicles. That let his undead pry the cabs open, revealing the strange clinging vines that ran riot inside each one. One by one, he brought them all to a halt–all save the heavy bulldozer which managed to tear itself free and escape.
Back on the ice, the tall figure of the Ice Queen stopped where she was and stood staring into space a moment. Fionna took full advantage, as she sent a stone column erupting from the ground. The massive chunk of stone clipped the Ice Queen's chin, knocking her flat on her back. More stone piers tried to rise up and box in her foe. Shaking off the stupor, the Lich sent an icy shockwave through the closest wall, cracking it in half and giving him an escape. This little bitch was becoming a dangerous distraction. Indeed, his strategy had been merely to fix his enemies in place while he executed his true plan. Now with active enemies in both places, the plan was in serious jeopardy. He had to get rid of this suka. Fast.
On her side, Fionna was delighted to have dragged this out as long as she had. With her dad and Bill out of the fight, she feared their peeps would get plowed under and fast. As it was, they had lost the skeleton crews on the two boats. Keep it together, Fi, she thought. Next move. Dad gave you the means to save mom. How you gonna' use it? She wasn't sure, but she knew she risked death if she tried to get close.
Back in the frozen Siberian wilderness, Star found herself having to catch Baba Yaga when she would have fallen. "I take it we just lost ground," muttered the wizard. Shaking off the cobwebs, the Rusalka said, "I did some damage, but he's still coming..." Getting a little of herself back, the witch said, "surely you didn't think it would go easy? Come along." Baba Yaga led the way through the woods. As she moved, trees and shrubs moved out of her way, causing Star to whistle. That sure came in handy. Finally, after ten or twenty minutes of often vigorous hiking, they came to a spot deep between two steep, tree-shrouded cliffs. "Prepare yourself," said the witch. Star could feel them coming.
Momentarily, hundreds of skeletons and dozens of assorted zombies came rushing into view. As Star goggled in shock, Baba Yaga merely shrugged and said, "Yakutsk is a charnel ground and home to only the forgotten dead. Once these folk were under my protection and my mother's before that." That had changed the day the bombs fell. In her attempt to protect her neighbors, she'd instead sowed the seeds of their destruction. "No time for tears, Talia," she whispered. Reaching out to the land, she spoke to the trees and grasses. As the undead converged on her, she shouted, "run, Star! Run!" The two women tore out of the gap. Star heard and felt the ground shake and rumble. And then the two massive tenements that had hidden under a thousand year accumulation of river-silt and debris collapsed onto the undead, crushing them by the thousands.
Elsewhere, Finn the Human made it to the top of the Lich's icy pinnacle to find... nothing. Helping Betty up onto the icy spire, he stared eastward in puzzlement. "Whassa'matter, honey," Betty asked? "I expected to find him here," Finn replied. With a smirk, Betty replied, "maybe our kids are better than you thought, babe. You did train them..." Finn flushed. That hit a little close to home. He'd been sure rescuing Simone while fighting the Lich was a futile gesture. Stroking his back, Betty asked, "still think blowing yourself and Simone up to get that cocksucker is the best play?"
Finn flushed. "For the record," he replied, "I'm not here 'cause I wanted to be..." "I know," she sighed. Her hubby had a whole string of reasons to live. Those reasons came with names like Cole and Van and Roseline. Unfortunately they gave him just as many reasons to die. He still had no idea how this was going to turn out. Heavy sigh, and Betty admitted, "they still might lose. I guess... Do we stay here? In case..." "Yeah," he said. Sitting down, she once again thought of their baby. She wanted so badly to talk about names. She didn't want to carry this secret to her grave. At the same time, with so much at stake, she knew this wasn't the time for distractions.
Indeed, the Lich was also doing some calculations of his own. He'd lured them here to the ice. He'd intended to bring Finn and all his insipid family here to the ice where he could take his time, lure them in, and hold them in place. The whole point of the exercise was to fix them while his other half located the doomsday bomb and set it off. Instead, he was out here on the ice fighting this nasty little bitch and her friends. I should be back in my lair, he thought. He should have made them come to him. The risk-to-reward ratio was far off on this deal. "Alright, suka," he growled. "You win. You can have your boats and your lapdogs." The Lich began to fly once more.
Fionna knew that if she let him go, her family's mortal enemy would fly back to his lair–where her father was waiting with his finger on the trigger of a massive bomb. That bomb would destroy two of her parents. She needed to keep this bastard here. She needed to do whatever it took. Shedding her helmet, she shouted, "you turning chickenshit, jerk?" Yuri stopped right where he was. She was the front line. Her dad was the backstop. As long as her father was waiting on the Lich at his lair, there was a chance here. They didn't have to be afraid of doing whatever they wanted to stop this guy. They always had an ace up their sleeves. I can do this, dad, Fionna thought. Just watch me.
"What did you call me," he demanded? "Chickenshit," growled Fionna! "You're a chickenshit! You didn't have the balls to face my dad for the Enchiridion. You had to send a fucking bear to do your dirty work. Dad would have sent your ass packing again if you weren't picking on his family." Eyes blazing, the Lich swooped at Fionna. She could feel him chilling the very air around her. That was when the lightning bolt slammed into him, knocking him out of the sky. The Lich/Simone landed in a heap a hundred yards away as Patrick said, "sorry I'm late, babe." He'd been involved in a futile search for his mother. "She not here," asked Fionna? Flushing, Patrick admitted, "I think she went to try and talk sense into your dad." He wasn't sure just yet how he felt about their strange new relationship, but right now it didn't matter. They needed to save Ooo.
"Remember the plan," said Fionna, as she rushed towards where their mortal enemy was recovering his wits. As the Lich gathered himself to his feet, Fionna raced past. The evil bastard ineffectually hurled ice-bolts and freezing blasts at her, but she was too quick. Patrick smacked him from behind, slamming him with quarter-strength blast-bolts that picked him up and tossed him a dozen feet at a time. That got the Lich's attention focused back on Patrick, who immediately went defensive as his girl circled back. Throwing up walls of ice and conjuring frozen shields out of thin air, the Ice King's son did his best to reflect the Lich's wrath. Just as the Lich was starting to get through his defenses, Fionna came back and cold-cocked him with a diamond-hard fist that knocked the spit out of his mouth.
Not bad, suka, thought the Lich, but there's one problem with your plan. I'm not trying to keep you alive! The leggy blonde raced out of reach, but the Lich was already searching for the boy. As Patrick Petrikov tried to put himself in position for his next attack, the Lich raised a barrier of ice to block his blast-bolts and then brought a storm of razor-sharp ice shards down on Patrick's position. Patrick screamed in pain, causing Fionna to stop in mid stride. The Lich hurled a massive column of ice at her. The heavy slab of frozen water caught her at waist height and sent her tumbling ass-over-elbows across the landscape. The banana-boys returned to the fray then, laying down covering fire as Patrick fought the deadly storm that swirled around him. "Time for you fuckers to go," said the Lich. Gesturing with one slim finger, he brought an avalanche of snow cascading down on top of the gun position above him, burying the nuisance alive.
Back in the wilds of Siberia, Star found herself in a running battle with the Lich's army of lost souls. The witch had flattened the nuisance undead, crushing them beneath those two old buildings, but the more dangerous creatures–including many Dipped–were still out there. "Ya zdes', chtoby zastavit' vas umeret', suku," shouted the Lich! Ducking behind a tree, Star turned to the witch and asked, "what'd he say?" "Not flattering," muttered the Rusalka. Stepping out, she hurled a mote of light at one of the Dipped. When it touched the undead, it burst into stunning incandescent light that seemed to dissolve the thing. "Nitstsa, Talii, no etogo nedostatochno. Vy potratili vse svoi tryuki, ne vy," laughed the Lich. "We blast his guys, and he jokes," grumbled Star, as she lit up a second Dipped with one of her spell-darts? "Does nothing get through to this bastard?" Then the two were in full flight once more.
Onesie-twosie, they were knocking the undead down, but there were so many they couldn't stand and fight very long without simply getting swarmed. Here in this forest, they had the cover of the trees to let them get close. The Lich was herding them, and they both knew it. His undead had kept up a relentless pressure. As one group charged, another group was moving to flank them–or worse, circling around behind them. It kept the witch from making effective use of the defenses she had staged around her forest. By the time Baba Yaga had something ready, the undead had pushed them past it.
Finally the witch stopped right where she was. Though she hardly looked winded, she said, "we stop here." Star gave her a look that suggested she'd lost her mind. There were still a dozen or more Dipped out there. "This is what he wants," muttered Baba Yaga. "This is the place he seeks." Star glanced around her. This place looked little different than the rest of the forest. The only difference was the cave behind them. "Your house," Star asked? "Hardly," retorted the witch. "I prefer the penthouse." "What's the plan," asked Star? Reaching into a thicket, Baba Yaga drew out what appeared to be an ancient gun, its stock and grip gone worn and grey. "We fight, Star," said the witch as she quoted, "out of fuel, a pillbox. Out of ammunition, a bunker. Out of time, heroes..."
Back on the ice, the lithe form of Simone the Ice Queen alit beside her daughter. Conjuring a blade of glacial ice, the Lich grabbed Fionna by the hair and prepared to slit her throat. "Bye-bye, suka," sneered the evil being. "Not yet," hissed another voice. Billy the Human gestured with his left hand, raising the icy deluge off the little fort atop the cliff. Gesturing again with both hands, he brought the heavy ice crashing down towards the Lich, forming a glacial wall at the last minute. The Lich darted out of the way. "The leak," he growled. "I'd sensed someone stealing from me. Tell me. How is it you're able to do that?" "Born this way," hissed Billy in a strange tremulous version of his normal voice.
Groggy, Fionna fought her way up through the cobwebs in her mind as her brother dueled the Lich over her battered body. The crystals had taken the brunt, but it had still hurt like a bastard. She couldn't remember a time when she'd taken a hit like that. Maybe that time I got sacked in the finals, she thought. Clambering to her feet, she shook her head and searched for Patrick. Her hubby was on his knees and bleeding, looking much the worse for wear. "Fionna," hissed Billy. "Do we continue?" It was sort of Billy's voice, but Fionna was rather concerned about the way he sounded. Still, she needed the help. With Billy on the job, she thought maybe they could finish this. "Let's do this," she said, as she gathered the crystals around her again. Patrick stumbled his way into position, saying, "on three?" "Yeah," said Fionna. "Three..."
The trio launched their attack simultaneously, with Billy turning waves of jagged glacial ice on the Lich, Patrick hurling lightning, blast-bolts, and everything else he could think of, with Fionna going toe-to-toe. Darting back and forth, circling the Lich, the trio did their best to wear down his defenses, shattering his ice-shields, cracking his ice-armor, and getting close enough to clip and rip fragments of cloth off the tattered dress Simone had been wearing. The explosive assault looked for a long few moments as though it was working. The Lich got knocked down and then knocked down again. That was when Fionna made the costly mistake of hesitating.
As she rushed in to score one more blow, she found herself wondering if she should try the doohickey. She had it in her pocket, ready to go, and she certainly didn't want to kill her mom. She just needed the right moment to try and strike with the Wolf's cure. The Lich, sensing her hesitation, twisted just enough to duck the blow coming his way. Fist coated in solid ice, the evil being bashed the pretty blonde in the side of the head hard enough that she felt it through her crystal helmet. Fionna went down, skidding across the ice like a runaway hockey-puck. Moments later, the Lich knocked down Patrick, encasing him in a cylinder of ice strong enough to kill him should he try one of his blasting spells.
"I can sense you, boy," said the Lich, as he stalked towards Fionna. "I can sense you... losing. The Crown has you, doesn't it?" Billy said nothing as the Lich approached his sister. Turning to Fionna, the evil monster growled, "surrender, suka. This is the end of the line for you." "Got too much to live for," wheezed the bad bunny. "Oh," said the Lich? Gesturing towards Patrick, he offered, "I can kill that fool boy, eh? Then you'd not have as much..." "Got my baby to live for, jerk," Fionna growled.
Back in Siberia, the Lich was closing fast on his quarry. He could see Talia waiting on him just ahead. He recognized what she had in her hands instantly. "Kalashnikov," he asked? "Tak Gollivud. Yest' li yeshche ogon'?" "It works well enough," she replied. Arrogantly, the Lich retorted, "ne protiv moyego nezhit'yu." "Let's see," said the witch, as she leveled the ancient rifle and opened fire. As Star watched in awe, the strange bullets the gun fired burst in blinding light, shredding any of the Dipped that they struck. Of course, that was the problem. Baba Yaga was a fairly rotten shot. Three Dipped went down in the fusilade before the gun ran dry. The rest scattered in a panic until the fateful 'click'.
"Well, we're in it now," said Star as she began hurling blast-bolts and darts at the remainder. The pair put their backs to each other and fought on as the Lich howled laughter. Talia grit her teeth as he offered helpful advice like 'front sight, milaya' and 'you're loading it wrong'. Yuri had been a sexist pig when she met him. The intervening centuries hadn't helped that in the least. Just as things looked their darkest, with the witch's gun empty with no more magazines to load into it and Star flat out of darts and ideas, the Lich suddenly stopped right where he was and clutched at his head. "Stop it, you dva chertovy suki," howled the Lich! "Takim obrazom, malen'kaya shlyukha pregnant! What difference does it make?! YA polozhit' konets miru!"
Back on the ice, the world stood still as the Lich tottered there over Fionna. Grabbing at his/her head, the Lich muttered curses and unintelligible words that sounded a lot like Grid-Person speech to Fionna's ears. I got through, she thought. Her hand went to her pocket. It was time to try a little more and see where this led. "Mom," pleaded Fionna. "Don't you want to see your grandchild?" "You're going to die, little bitch," growled the Lich as he bent down to slice her throat! "You and the little bastard inside you!" Far from being terrified, Fionna only smiled. Reaching up, she slapped the device against her mother's temple, announcing, "gotcha!"
In Siberia, the Lich stopped right where he was. The world seemed to hold its breath a moment. That was when the lithe, dark form came diving out of the sun. This time there was no wall of vines. This time Marshall Lee executed a perfect turn at the last minute before slapping the Witch-Doctor's gadget on the back of Emeraude Mertens's head. The Lich screamed in agony, the vines writing and flailing. Star grabbed Baba Yaga by the scruff and dragged her bodily out of the way as the vines tore up the forest.
The Vampire King dove on the first Dipped he saw–a curvy thing that looked to have once been a woman. Arms outstretched, he slammed fist-first into the creature, causing it to squeal in agony. Whispering words of utter darkness that dribbled into his mind from the font of evil near his heart, the Vampire King drained the unlife from the evil monstrosity, causing the oily black glob to dissipate like smoke on the wind. As the undead stared in shock, he darted towards another, destroying it just as easily. In short order, a panic had started there in that once-beautiful forest. The undead fled as if the unholy Lord of the Night-O-Sphere himself was pursuing them. Indeed, Marshall Lee tore out of there in hot pursuit.
When the Vampire King had gone, Star came out of Baba Yaga's mystery-cave to find her mother laying there in a heap on the ground. As the little woman approached, Emeraude Mertens raised her head with agonizing slowness. "My baby," she moaned, as Star knelt before her. "Rest, momma," said Star as she stroked the older woman's battered face. Emeraude lay her head down and was still. The Rusalka came out then, saying, "who was the man?" "My little brother," said Star. Grinning, she added, "the King of Vampires." Frowning, Baba Yaga glanced in the direction he'd gone. "He's kind of a jerk-face," said Star, "but he's still my little brother." "Come, Star," said Baba Yaga. "Bring your mother. We'll go to my place."
Late that day, the fleet set sail from the icy hell that the Lich had created in the middle of the ocean. Fionna stood at the back of the ship, staring at the distant island. "Cover your eyes, Fi," said Simon. Fionna turned to face her grampa's ghost–just in time, as a colossal flash lit the sky. Shockwaves rumbled across the land and the sea, shaking the boat and throwing up massive waves that, at least for a few moments, threatened to flatten many of the ships of the fleet. Fionna turned back to the island–or what was left of it–and grabbed the railing in horror. "He's ok, punkin," said Simon. "I was able to talk some sense into him. Finally."
As the pair stood there staring back at the island, a shimmering portal opened beside them, and Marceline, the Princess of Darkness, stepped through. "Hey, hey, Simon," she greeted the old man. "Marcy," Simon replied. The evil harridan insisted on hugging the specter. Fionna had no idea why a man as nice as Simon had ever liked that mean old bitch. "I gotta' go, guys," said Simon. "Be good, Fi..." "Will I ever see you again," Fionna asked? "Someday, Fi," replied Simon. "Y-you mean when I'm dead," she burbled. Simon sighed heavily. "I'll help her understand, Simon," Marceline murmured. It was a lie, and they both knew it because Marceline had never really gotten herself to understand losing Simon to the Ice Crown. As Fionna watched while sniffing back the tears that threatened to fall, Simon slowly faded from view, leaving the pair standing there on the stern of the boat.
Wiping away a tear, Marceline turned to Fionna and cleared her throat. "Yeah, yeah," said Fionna, as she handed over the trinket with the Lich's Id inside. "Your dad really is ok," said Marceline. "I saw him. You're... you're gonna' have to be strong for your moms for a while, ok?" "W-why," babbled Fi? "Finn's going to be cleaning up the mess the Lich left," sighed Marceline. She didn't sound very happy about that, making Fionna more than a little worried. "Betty's with him," said the demon-girl. "She's gonna' keep him straight, ok?" With a heavy sigh, Fionna nodded. It wasn't as though she had a great deal of choice here, was there? Conjuring a portal, Marceline stepped through to the Night-O-Sphere and was gone.
Turning away from the railing, Fionna went back inside to find her brother up and out of bed, with Patrick feebly trying to make him lay down again. "What do you think you're doing," she asked? Frowning, Billy asked, "what happened? Where are we?" "On a boat," Fionna replied. "Headed for home." Frowning, the big man asked, "the Lich?" "Gone," replied the bad bunny. "I got him with the Wolf's gadget." Nervously, Billy said, "maybe. There was... Mom was trying to talk to me. I could hear her voice. She was saying something about a bomb." "Daddy just set off the bomb," said Fionna. "He just blew up the island." Shaking his head, Billy replied, "no... She said there was a second bomb. A bigger one. Where Emeraude is..." Fionna shivered in nervous fear for a moment. "Marceline said Daddy's going to clean up the Lich's mess," murmured the young woman. "Maybe that's what she meant." "Maybe," sighed Billy.
Changing the subject, she asked, "what's with your eyes? They aren't blue anymore. They're grey. Like mom's..." "The Ice Tiara," Billy murmured, as he rushed to the nearest piece of glass. Tugging at his cheeks and turning his eyes back and forth best he could, the big man stared at his face in dismay. "Maybe we need to get you to Dr. Wolf too," sighed Fionna. The Lich was gone, but he'd left a whole lot of trouble for them.
In Siberia, Star found herself facing similar fears. They'd taken out the Lich's 'other half', but she feared Simone was still out there, somewhere, under the Lich's thrall, and she had no real way to contact anybody to find out. She didn't know how to fly an airplane, and even with Marshall's help it was going to take them a long time to cross Baba Yaga's wasteland. "You worry too much," murmured the witch, as she led the way up to an ancient elevator in a long-empty building. "No power," rumbled Star, as she carried her mother into the ancient cab. The Rusalka murmured a word, and the elevator began to rise, slowly but surely accelerating until it was traveling as fast as anything Star had seen in civilization. When they reached the end of the shaft, the elevator abruptly slowed down and the door opened, letting out onto a sumptuous apartment.
Staring around her in amazement, Star said, "daddy said you lived in a hut." Tossing her keys on the counter, Baba Yaga snorted, "my mother lived in a hut and was a proud communist all her days. I like nice things." Motioning for the young woman to come along, the witch led the way into a bedroom off her parlor. "It's not much," said she. "I salvaged it from a room on a lower floor." She didn't often have visitors–as in at all. Star lay her mother in the bed and pulled the covers up over her. Following the witch back into the living room, she found herself studying the older woman. "How are you feeling," she asked? "What do you mean," asked the witch? She was frowning when she turned around.
With a shrug, Star said, "you just had to kill your old boyfriend who was trying to have a pack of undead dissolve you." The witch flushed and glanced away. "He wasn't my Yuri," sighed the witch. "Not really. The good man... I think the good man was burned away in the accident. All that was left was his anger." Moving on, she said, "I'll make dinner. I think I have a little meat." Star blushed. Her stomach had made a rather unladylike noise a few minutes ago on the elevator.
As the witch bustled around, putting together some nourishment, Star peppered her with questions about the things she'd done. In a strangely jovial mood, the tall woman actually fired back answers. "My mother was still doing things the way her grandmother did them back when the first Czar took the throne," said the witch. "The who," asked Star? Muttering curses, the witch replied, "before your time. Before the world was reborn. I... thought it made her a less effective steward of the land. So I learned new things."
As they were talking, a thump on the roof announced they had a visitor. Star motioned for her host to keep talking, as she slowly made her way to the balcony. As she was reaching for the sliding door, a familiar figure dropped onto the balcony. Marshall Lee staggered through the doorway, looking ill, and the whites of his eyes had gone a very strange color of purple. "So you are our benefactor," declared Baba Yaga. "Well met, Mr. Abadeer." Marshall groaned something meant to be polite. "Something wrong," asked the Rusalka? "Too much of a bad thing," groaned Marshall. He'd chased the undead for hours, consuming them one by one until none were left.
The Rusalka looked him up and down with her other eyes, finding him alive with evil. Her hackles went up, and she considered retrieving one of her remaining weapons just in case. Just as Star was reconsidering her allegiance to her brother, a knocking at the door announced yet another visitor. "Four in one day," rumbled the witch. "It's almost like the Yakutsk I grew up with." When she opened the door, a beautiful human woman, dressed in a natty black skirt and jacket combo came sauntering in, stiletto heels click-clacking on the worn tile floor. Her sexy figure and wavy dark hair had Marshall Lee staring in spite of the pain as she sauntered up to him carrying an old lunch-pail of all things. "Hey, kid," said Brianna. "Your momma sent me to collect..."
Fumbling in a pocket, the young man came up with the gadget with the Lich's soul inside. As Star and Baba Yaga watched, the demon slipped the device in her pocket. Raising the lunch-pail, she said, "present from your momma, kid. Let's have it... Open wide..." When she opened the pail, Marshall Lee found himself taken with the urge to puke. As the witch and the wizard-girl looked on, he vomited all the ugly that was inside him, emptying himself of the evil he'd been forced to consume. "Glob, that's better," he groaned as he slumped to the ground. Sealing the lid on the lunch-pail, the demon woman said, "well, your momma'll expect regular reports..." Looking up, the vampire asked, "wait... what?" "Your daddy's gone hunting the rest," said Brianna. "Figure you can make up for being a dick to him all those years by helping out a little." Laying the pail on the floor, the beautiful woman turned and sauntered back across the room, her round backside wig-wagging back and forth hypnotically. When she had shut the door, Marshall was still staring.
"Ooo to Marshall," said Star as she waved her hand in front of his face, "who the fuck was she?" "Mom's agent," groaned Marshall, as he gathered himself to his feet. "Shit, I could sure use some red to eat..." "Tenth floor," said the witch, as she laid out the supper she'd been cooking. "Fifty feet down from the elevator. You can't miss it." As Marshall headed down the hall, the Rusalka turned to the little woman beside her and asked, "and you? What'll you do now?" "Get married," murmured Star. "Make babies. Forget all this shit ever happened."
