They lay on the chaise, wrapped in a blanket as the sun disappears. The chaise is made for two people, but it's a tight fit, so Kylo turns on his side so he can watch her watching the sunset, her face soft and her cheeks flushed. As the sky darkens, the porch lights come on, low and warm like candles.
"We had some beautiful sunsets in New Mexico, but that was insane. I've never seen the sun so red."
"It's the wild fires," he says. "Beauty from tragedy and all that."
"I should call my album that. Or would it be presumptuous to call it beautiful?"
"You shouldn't release it if you don't think it's beautiful."
"Oh, really? You've thought everything you've released is beautiful?"
"There's always something, in every song, even if it's a single line or a guitar riff.
She reaches over him, picking up the photo from the side table, and runs her finger over it, outlining her mother's face, and then his.
"This is so weird," she says. "She looks so happy. But her life is going to be so different in only a few years."
"Are you glad you found out what you did?"
"I think so. I mean, it really, really sucks in a lot of ways, because I keep thinking about what she could have or should have done, but I also don't know who I would be if things were different, or if I would want to be that person. If that makes sense."
"Yeah. I thought about it, too. What it would have been like if I'd known you growing up, and how fucking weird it is that we met like we did."
"So weird!" She shifts so she can look at him. "I had this weird fantasy one night, about losing my virginity to you—not at the same age I actually was though. Like, later."
"You know I don't care about any of that, right?"
"Yeah, of course. I know it's silly. The thing is, I kind of realized that it doesn't matter because you were the first person I did it with that I really cared about, and cared about me, and that's more important."
He can't think of anything to say, and doesn't know if he could speak if he could, so he kisses the top of her head.
She looks back at the photo and smiles. "Those ears. Did people tell your mom that you would grow into them?"
"I'm sure if she did she asked them if they would ever grow into their gaping assholes."
Laughing, Rey puts the photo back and pulls the blanket higher, so that only her head is sticking out.
"Do you want to go inside?"
"Not yet."
"Do you mind if I smoke?"
"Yes. It makes my hair smell awful."
He picks up a lock of her hair and sniffs it. It smells like strawberries and sweat. It's a strange combination of innocence and earthiness.
Fuck. He shouldn't have done this. The email she sent about her family stuff had freaked him out and made him second guess his decision to tell her everything. Then he'd decided to give her the photo first, so she'd at least have something out of all this bullshit. Telling her he loved her had been completely unplanned, but he could have recovered from that. He could have said, "I love you, but I have to tell you this before we can move forward." It wouldn't have been ideal, but it would have been something. Instead, he'd had sex with her and cemented his status as the biggest asshole in the galaxy, or at least California.
And the fact that she'd said it back to him makes everything exponentially worse.
"Are you okay?" she asks. "Your heart started racing again."
"Yeah. I was just thinking about work shit. Tell me about your shoot."
"Oh my God," she says, hiding her face in his chest. "I may have punched the photographer."
"Are you serious?"
"Yeah," she says, showing him her hand. Looking closely, he can see some bruising around her knuckles.
"I've been doing this for almost ten years and I've never punched a photographer. I'm impressed." He places a kiss on each of her knuckles. "So, what lead to this?"
Rey starts to answer, but the faint sound of Kylo's cellphone ringing comes from inside the house.
"Fuck," he says. "She wasn't supposed to pack that. Hold on."
He extricates himself, leaving the blanket for Rey.
"Hello?"
"Kylo, big news!" It's Hux, sounding happy, which isn't always something that bodes well for Kylo.
"What is it?" he says.
Rey comes into the house, blanket wrapped around her shoulders, and goes to the fireplace, where she starts making a fire.
"South America," Hux says.
"What about it?"
"Well, since you didn't do a South American leg on the last tour, the label is worried your numbers there will suffer. So, they've set up a little album preview tour. Intimate fan events. All acoustic, preview some of the new stuff and play some favorites. You should be home by Thanksgiving."
"You're fucking kidding me."
"Have I ever been kidding when you've asked me that? Even once?"
"No. When do they want this to happen?"
"You fly out the day after tomorrow, first event is Saturday night. We've booked a rehearsal space in Rio."
"What the fuck? Why do we have to rehearse there?"
"Why not? It's Rio. Some people like to have fun there."
"So, we're all just supposed to drop out of our lives for 5 weeks at the drop of a hat?
"This is your life, in case you've forgotten. You know how this works. They pay you enough money to buy another house and ten cars, and they own you until they've made that money back. What did you really have planned, anyway, other than playing house with your girlfriend?"
"That's not the point."
"Bring her with you, or break up with her and go back to taking girls back to your dressing room to 'talk.' I don't care. But make sure your vaccinations are in order and show up at the airport."
"Why is this just coming up now?"
"It's been in the works since before you left for Europe, but said you didn't want any distractions."
"I meant, like, not calling me about stupid shit. Like that time you called to tell me I was invited to the Men in Black premiere."
"That was my assistant, if you'll remember. Former assistant. I'll send Lorna the itinerary."
"Sure. Whatever."
When Kylo hangs up, he swings his arm, ready to throw the phone. It would shatter beautifully, broken into useless components. But he would have to clean it up. And have Lorna replace it. And throwing it would scare Rey. So he stops short and sets it gently on the counter.
"Fucking dickhead," he says.
He doesn't believe for a second that Snoke is genuinely worried about their South American sales, and even if he were, a mini tour is overkill, at least this far out. Normally, it would be a bunch of radio and television appearances a week or two before or after the album release.
This is Snoke reminding Kylo that he owns him.
"Bad news?" Rey says.
He turns around. The fire is burning well, and she's spread her blanket out on the floor. He hasn't encountered many things more appealing than the way she looks, dressed in only her tank top and panties, hair tumbling over her shoulders in tangles.
"If you consider a month-long trip to South America bad news."
"I think that's the opposite of bad news, even if it's for work."
"It's not great when they give you two days' notice."
"Can they do that?"
"It's probably somewhere in the contract, but there's always been way more notice, or we at least know they're cooking something up. Fuck."
She pats the floor, and he shuffles over and sits down, facing her.
"It's probably best for you, anyway," he says. "You've got a lot of work to do and I won't be around to distract you."
"I do have a scary schedule, but this still sucks."
"Yeah."
Though maybe it truly is for the best. He can't keep his resolve when he's around her. He does stupid shit like offering to pay her rent, a decision purely motivated by his own guilt, as if making sure she had a place to live would make up for what he's allowed to happen. What he's allowing to happen.
The bravado he felt in London, and the subsequent shoring up of his resolve during panicked moments in Sweden, feels so naïve, with her in front of him. He is everything Snoke thinks he is. Cowardly, foolish, weak, vain, and selfish.
He won't fool himself anymore into thinking he can't tell her, but he also won't fool himself into thinking he can. So, he does what he's always done, and makes the same mistake again, reaching for her, pulling her into his lap and making quick work of removing her shirt. Holding onto her hips, running his hands up the curve of her waist to the swell of her breasts, none of it erases it this time.
He is a coward, and a fool, and he can't hide it in her body anymore, but that won't stop him from trying.
