"Well," Deeks took a deep breath. "I thought we were living a great life; my father was always happy, and my mother, too. We used to play with each other and I knew my father drank a lot, but he still seemed happy with us, until one time he was so drunk he could barely walk and he tripped over one of my shoes… that's when he started screaming and yelling at me, and then he decided that wasn't enough because he lurched across the room and hit me in the face, hard enough to knock me down and draw blood. I had no idea where this was coming from. I told him I was sorry but that wasn't enough because he kept hitting me and hitting me… my mom tried to stop him, but he hit her, too, and that's the last thing I remember before I passed out." His hand had a slight tremor in it as he raked it through his hair.

"What happened next?" Nate prompted.

"I woke up later that day in a dark place that I figured was the basement because of the smell. I tried to stand up, but I couldn't move because I was in a lot of pain. Later, my mother came down and carried me up into my room. When she turned on the light, I saw she had a black eye and some bruises on her arms. She started to cry when she saw me." Deeks paused before admitting, "And so did I."

"How old were you when that happened?" Nate asked.

"Eight."

"When did he beat you? I mean, were there occasions where it was more often once it started?"

"At first it was only when he came home drunk, but later it was whenever he was angry or mad because of something at work and he would come home and beat the hell out of me and my mom… but it got even worse when he started to do it for no reason." Deeks answered, voice shaky.

"Was it daily?"

"Most of the time it was. It became a routine for him; when he got home, he would start. Although sometimes he would be so wasted that the moment he set foot in the door he would pass out. Those were our best nights." Deeks shut his eyes at the memories.

"Did you or your mom tell anybody?" Nate asked, trying to conceal his anger that someone would do this to someone he cared about.

"No."

"Why not?"

"I don't know. I mean, I was just a kid. I didn't even know what was happening around me. I remember sometimes when we used to go to the hospital after a beating when he'd fallen asleep, the cops would come over and ask my mom what was going on, but she always answered 'We fell,' or 'We stumbled on something and rolled down the stairs.' She forbid me from saying anything to anyone… and then I met Ray. He knew my father hit me, because, I found out later, his father hit him, too."

"How long did it last?"

"Three years."

"How did it end if you didn't tell anyone about it?" Nate asked him, confused.

Deeks let out a sharp breath that almost sounded like a laugh. "The last time, I was eleven years old and he was yelling and screaming that I'd destroyed his life. That he didn't want me because I was a weak boy and would never be a man, and he hated me for that. When he'd finished beating us, he walked out of the room and I was glad it was over for the night, but then he came back with a shotgun in his hand. He was going to kill us, I knew it, so I managed to push back my pain and crawl over to where I'd hidden a revolver under the bed. He saw the gun and tried to shoot me, but I shot first, hitting him in the abdomen. He did manage to get a shot off, but luckily it didn't hit us."

"You shot him?" Nate asked, shocked.

"Yup." Was his simple reply.

"Where did you get the gun from?"

"Ray gave it to me. He said that I should keep it just in case I needed it."

There was a pause before Nate prompted, "What happened after that?"

"After that? My dad was sent to jail and my mom and I were sent to the hospital, but when we got out, she put me in foster care and left." A tear rolled down Deeks' face at the memory of seeing his mother for the last time.

"Why did she leave?"

"She said that she couldn't deal with all of this. 'This' being the fact that the man she'd loved and married had turned into an abuser who hit her and his own son. She said—and I quote—"I can't believe you shot your father. This is more than I can handle. That's the first step towards becoming a criminal and I can't deal with that, or take care of you.' So she put me in foster care and I've never seen her since."

"What about your father? Did you try to find him?"

Deeks took a deep breath. "Hetty tracked him down, only to find out that he'd died in a car accident in 1998."

"I'm sorry." Nate said quietly, to which Deeks chuckled. "What?" Nate asked.

"I don't know whether to be sorry or not."

"Fair enough. How did all of that make you feel?"

Deeks grinned for the first time since starting the conversation. "Ah, the famous psychologist question. Fine, I'll answer. I felt anger, hurt, pain, loneliness, and betrayal, but the predominant feeling was guilt."

"And why is that?"

"I don't know, I always thought it was my fault—what happened—that I was the reason my father's life was ruined. That maybe, if I hadn't been there, that none of it would have happened and he would still be happy and my mother would still be happy—because I was the reason my father started to hit her. I was the reason for all of that." He looked away from the psychologist, ashamed even after all of these years.

Nate knew what Deeks was doing: it was easy for him to place the blame on himself, especially when it was the people he cared for that had hurt him. It was the easiest solution, blaming himself, rather than putting the blame on the people that truly deserved it. That was the point Nate wanted to work on in particular. "Look, Deeks. You know that this was not your fault. Not what happened with you or your mother. Your father was an alcoholic, and a lot of them turn to abuse. As for your mother, her mind was wrecked and she made the huge mistake of leaving you. You weren't the reason why she left; yes, that's what she said, blaming you and her worry you'd turn into a criminal, but that was in the heat of the situation: you are not the one to blame. You are not the one to blame, it's not your fault, and I am going to keep working with you until you get that." Even before he stopped speaking, Deeks was shaking his head.

"If that's the truth, if I'm not the reason, then tell me why everyone I care for keeps leaving me alone? Keeps hurting me?" He held up a finger as he listed each name. "My dad, my mom, Sam, Callen, and Kensi, every one of them left me. When I got closer to them, they pushed me away. They didn't trust me. They all think I'm weak; my dad, Sam and Sidorov all said it to me. They said 'You are a weak man, Deeks. You are worthless.' Callen at least thought it, I could tell, and Kensi acted on it. They all left when I needed them the most, so I was right: I'm the problem. It seems pretty clear that they were right in leaving me and blaming everything on me!" Deeks voice rose towards the end, emotion clouding his speech.

Nate nodded. Deciding he needed a more complete picture in order to combat the detective's sense of guilt, he moved on. "We still haven't talked about them. Will you tell me what happened between all of you?"

"Ha." Deeks smiled bitterly. "It all started with the Sidorov case. Sam questioned me in front of everyone, saying that he didn't trust me to back him and his wife up, and no one defended me; like they agreed with his thoughts. After that, Kensi asked me to tell her what I mean and stop playing games, but I didn't say anything. Then Sam told me I'm weak and not worthy enough to be on the team, and then right before I got caught by Sidorov while trying to save Sam, Kensi and I had an argument: she said that I don't have communication skills and that's when I kissed her—to show her what I meant. When Sidorov tortured me and Sam, he decided to get the information out of the 'weak one,' and he turned to me." He paused for a moment, to gather his thoughts. "When I woke up in the hospital I saw Kensi and told her how I felt, that I cared for her, but she told me that it won't work and she left me there alone. Callen said I needed to man up; he didn't feel I was man enough to be trusted. Even after all that I had done to help, to save them—." He cut himself off, before continuing. "After that day, when I woke up, no one visited me. I was alone in the hospital for a whole week until Eric came and visited me by chance." He took a deep breath to steady himself and rubbed his face, trying to keep the tears away.

Nate watched the detective closely. He could hear the hurt and betrayal in his voice. "Keep going." He encouraged.

"After that, I didn't see any of them except for Eric. He stayed with me and told me that Kensi had taken Jack back to her place to help him 'acclimatize to the world again,' and I understood that—at first. I understood that after what he'd done to her she needed some closure. I thought I knew why she told me that she didn't want to be with me, but when I found out she'd slept with him, it changed everything for me. I figured she didn't love me and that she'd been in love with Jack the whole time and had just been waiting for him to come back into her life. That crushed me, because I couldn't understand how, after all he'd done to her, she thought he was better than I. After all that I did for her! After all that I'd done to prove myself! But. I was 'the weak one,' so she didn't want to be with me. She didn't want to be with a weak man." He looked away, a solitary tear making its way down his face.

Nate continued to watch him, amazed by how much he'd been through and yet was still standing and able to laugh and make others laugh. Nate, as a psychologist, didn't know what to say in response. The detective was getting lost in his loneliness; almost all of the people he cared about had betrayed him and caused him pain, physically and mentally. He needed so much work to be able to deal with all of that. "Look, Deeks. You've been through a lot of betrayal by the friends around you, but that doesn't mean that you should just stop. Life doesn't stop. You need to move on and put all of that behind you, to trust people again. I'm here to help you with that, but I can't do it if you don't trust me. I need you to trust me and do whatever I ask so you can move on. Are you willing to trust me?"

Deeks met his gaze and nodded. "Of course. I'll do everything I can to forget it all, to get over it."

"Okay, I think that's enough for today. We can continue tomorrow, but now we need to eat. How do you feel about pizza?"

"Sure, that would be great. It's amazing how tiring it is to bring all of those memories back to the surface, not to mention having to voice them aloud." Deeks replied, flashing a smile towards the psychologist, who he was turning into a good friend—a friend he desperately needed right now.

Nate grabbed his phone and ordered the pizza, and they watched TV until the food arrived. They ate then, chatting some, before watching a movie, a mindless comedy that Nate thought would be good to get Deeks' mind off of the difficulty of their earlier conversation. They laughed a lot, and when the movie finished, they moved out onto the beach, and listened to the waves. It was dark, but the air was warm, so they just relaxed in companionable silence.

Back in Los Angeles…

Kensi didn't move from Deeks' bed for a long time. She just lay there, breathing in his scent and thinking about him—crying every now and then. She didn't move except to use the bathroom or grab food and water. She knew she couldn't stay like this forever… she needed to get out, but at the moment she didn't want anything except to be exactly where she was. She figured that she'd go back to work soon, in order to keep her mind busy, to stop thinking about the absence of her partner—the man she'd realized she loved too late. Suddenly it occurred to her, that if she was at work then she would be close to Hetty, and the moment Hetty talked to Nate or Deeks, she, Kensi, would be able to find out about it. Her mind settled, she made the decision to go to work the following day.

Morning came earlier than she'd expected, but she dragged herself from bed, readied herself for work, then headed to the Mission. The moment she walked through the door, she was met by stares from others. Though she knew they were concerned stares, they still annoyed her.

"Good morning." She greeted, dropping her bag next to her desk and sitting down.

"Morning." Callen and Sam answered together.

Hetty walked into the bullpen, clearly not surprised to find Kensi there. "Ms. Blye, a word in my office please?"

By the time Kensi turned her head to reply, Hetty was already walking towards her office. With no choice, Kensi rose and followed behind the petite woman, both settling in the office.

Hetty observed the female agent in front of her, and Kensi just sat there, staring back. "Is there anything wrong Hetty?" Kensi asked, breaking the silence.

"How are you doing Ms. Blye?" Hetty ignored Kensi's question, noticing how the agents' face fell.

Kensi considered lying, but she knew that Hetty would know. "I don't know. I'm missing him a lot and I know that he is getting the help he needs, but it hurts knowing that he will be alone and I won't be there to help him."

"I think you mean that you will be alone and that he won't be here for you." Hetty countered.

Kensi thought about Hetty's words, wanting to immediately deny them, but, upon closer inspection, she found that the older woman was right. Deeks would be able to take care of himself, but Kensi was the one feeling alone. "Yeah. I guess you're right."

"Ms. Blye, you are going through a lot right now, do you think you are ready to come back to work?" Hetty inquired, wanting to know if her agent would be able to function.

"Hetty, ever since Deeks left all I've done is cry and laze on his bed, doing nothing. I can't do that; I need to work in order to pass the time until everything works out."

"I think this will be okay, but whenever you feel that you want a break, tell me."

Kensi nodded, about to stand up and return to her desk when Hetty stopped her.

"One more thing, Ms. Blye. After the resignation of Mr. Deeks, I have been told to find a new agent to be your partner."

Anger bloomed in Kensi's chest. "No Hetty! You can't do that! Deeks is my partner. You can't replace him with some temp! I don't need another partner, I just want Deeks back." Kensi exclaimed harshly.

"That's not my decision, and it's not yours, Ms. Blye. You don't have any say in the matter. I was ordered to place another agent on this team, but if, when Mr. Deeks comes back, you can convince him to sign the papers I gave him almost three years ago, then I'll make sure he gets his place back." Hetty replied firmly, angered slightly by Kensi's outburst.

"But it's like you're trying to replace him! When he comes back I'll convince him to come back and be an agent." Kensi responded confidently.

"And what if he doesn't want to come back? What if he decides to leave? What should I do then? You said that you are not leaving him, and that you will go with him wherever he goes, even if that means you have to quit, so understand this: if he comes back to become an agent, he'll still have his place, and if he doesn't come back, we will have a new agent."

"But it's not fair." Kensi protested weakly. She knew Hetty was right, but she didn't like it.

"Well Ms. Blye, I told you once that you won't know how much you love someone until you realize that you might lose him. You know I told you this when you decided to take care of Jack, to help him, but I told you that because I wanted to make sure you knew what you were doing because I knew your emotions would be high when you were around him. I was shocked when Eric told me that you'd turned Deeks down and that you and Jack were dating—."

Kensi interrupted. "I wasn't dating Jack! I slept with him once, but it was only because I was weak and lost. It was when Deeks had awakened and we'd had our argument. I told him that it was never going to work out between us so when I went home, I wasn't thinking. All I know is that I woke up the next morning with him in the bed," Kensi's face wrinkled at the memory, "and what do you mean you were shocked when I turned Deeks down?" Kensi asked, her mind finally catching what the petite woman had said.

"When I first brought Mr. Deeks onto this team, I knew he was a great cop—one of the best. He had what no one on this team had: he was the best at working undercover, and he was able to gain anyone's trust just by talking to them. Then I saw how the two of you were working together: you were the perfect team. He completed you, and you completed him. He was able to bring out the best in you and there was something more between you two. The problem was that you both were the only ones who couldn't see it. I tried to push you into recognizing it, but you didn't take the hints and I finally decided to tell you to take the next step." Hetty explained.

"When did you tell us to take the next step?" Kensi asked in surprise.

"Do you remember the case with Monica?" Hetty asked. Kensi nodded in disgust at the mention of Monica's name. "Well, at the end of the day I sent an envelope with you to Mr. Deeks." Kensi nodded again and Hetty continued. "It contained a paper with the words, 'sunshine and gunpowder,' written on it."

"'Sunshine and gunpowder?' What's that supposed to mean?" Kensi demanded, becoming even more confused.

"I'll show you." Hetty opened her laptop, and, after a few moments, a video opened. It was of the boatshed, after Agent Sabatino had left. Kensi watched it, remembering that as she'd walked out Deeks had called after her, "You smell like sunshine!" But what she hadn't known until now, was that he'd added "And gunpowder… two of my favorite things." She could see his face as he said it, and it was filled with a myriad of emotions.

"So," Hetty continued, "I though you both needed just a little push—thus, the letter. After your argument on the hill overlooking Sam and Michelle with Sidorov, when he kissed you, I though you two had it almost worked out—that you would find your way together. But it turned out that I was wrong, and THAT is why I was shocked. Not because I have rarely been mistaken, but because of how certain I was that you both would end up living happily ever after together. But you failed him, and chose Jack over him, and you left him alone in the time he needed you to be there for him." Hetty said, tone matter of fact, causing Kensi's eyes to moisten.

"I know it's my fault here, Hetty. I'm the one who pushed him away… but you weren't wrong; I'm in love with him, and what happened with Jack was a mistake."

"I'm not trying to blame you, my dear. I know you were in over your head, and you were made weak by your emotions, but that still doesn't change what happened." Hetty clarified.

"I know, and that's what hurts the most. I'm disgusted even with myself."

"The only hope we have here is that Nate will be able to help Mr. Deeks and send him back to us, hopefully as close to the man we knew as he can ever be again." Kensi nodded in agreement. "Now," Hetty clapped her hands, "Back to the matter we began with: do you think you are truly ready to be back at work?"

"It's the only thing left for me to do." Kensi said simply.

"All right, you can return to your work, Ms. Blye." Hetty motioned for her to leave.

Kensi walked out of Hetty's office, but did not return to the bullpen. Instead, she headed into the gym, changed into training clothes, and started beating the punching bag like she never had before.