This chapter marks the 1 Year Anniversary of Growing Pains
Chapter 43 - Back to the Beginning
After skyball tryouts Shepard waited anxiously all week to hear back from Coach Kandros. She wasn't trying to be cocky and assume that she had made the team, but she felt that she had honestly done her best and that her best was pretty good. Sure, it might take her a little while to adjust to playing against different species, but she was ready for the challenge.
A few things were able to take her mind off of her worrying and one of those was her amusement at people's reactions to hearing Wrex had a brother. Emotions ranged from surprised to moderately upset but it was all funny to her. They learned that Grunt had actually been adopted after he'd been 'born', learning that his birth had been something of an oddity. Some krogan warlord had been trying to create the perfect krogan and had felt he'd succeeded with Grunt. Unfortunately the warlord had somehow died and then Grunt was found mostly full grown in a tank. Those in-the-know had been unsure what to do with this krogan who wasn't an infant physically and yet was so young experience-wise. Wrex's family was very prominent on Tuchanka and so they had volunteered to adopt the boy into their clan and family. Eventually the family moved to Sanves when they heard about the Normandy being built and enrolled both their children.
It seemed a very fantastical story, and if anyone else had told it it would have been hard to believe, but since it was Wrex saying it, they accepted the story. After learning about Grunt they'd asked Wrex if his brother would sit at their table one day so they could get to know him. It had been quite an amusing affair having a krogan at their table who actually talked. Grunt loved stating his opinion on all the things they talked about, and if he didn't have an opinion he would say that he would think on the issue and create an opinion. His differences from Wrex were comical in proportion, but they did act similarly and obviously got along decently.
Also weighing on her mind during her wait for the tryout results was Tucker. Now that everything was out in the open with Liara and they were both on the same page, there really wasn't any reason to keep stringing Tucker along. Shepard just had absolutely no idea how to go about breaking up with him. He'd really been the only person she'd ever dated so it wasn't like she had experience in the area of breaking hearts. Since Liara was the only one who knew about her true feelings regarding her relationship, she talked with the asari about it a few times.
"I know what I have to do, it's unfair to string him along, but he's been my boyfriend for so long it'd be weird to not think of him that way," Shepard said as they were spread out across her room doing homework.
"I see your point, but was he not your friend for much longer before you became romantically involved," Liara pointed out.
Shepard groaned, "Of course you would have the perfect counter argument to one of my biggest excuses."
Liara rolled her eyes. "Well you asked for my advice therefore you should be ready to hear it," she said smartly.
Shepard flapped her hands at Liara's logic and rolled onto her stomach, burying her face in her pillow. "Ugh, why is this so hard," she lamented, though her voice was muffled.
Liara laughed but didn't respond. She was going to help her friend as much as she could, but seeing as how she had never really been in a relationship herself, she could only provide logical answers from an inexperienced point of view. She knew that with feelings involved it made Shepard's actions much harder, even if the right choice seemed obvious to someone who was not emotionally entangled.
Liara went back to her work as Shepard stayed silent, giving her friend space and silence to work out her thoughts. It was many minutes later when the human finally rolled back over and sat up with a sigh. "Alright, I'm gonna do it."
Internally Liara cheered for her friend, but she tried to just convey a sympathetic face on the outside. She knew how much Shepard had been stressing about this situation and it made her happy to see her finally taking steps to overcome it. She knew Shepard would probably be more sad after she broke things off with Tucker, but then that would be followed by freeing emotions. It would be hard and painful, but in the long run Liara knew this was the best choice.
Shepard got up off her bed and headed towards her terminal on her desk. Liara eyed her nervously. "You are... going to call him now?"
"What? No. As much as I'd like you to be there for moral support... That would unfair to Tucker. It's going to be hard enough as it is and I wouldn't want to embarrass him more by breaking up with him in front of someone else," Shepard said quietly.
Liara nodded. The same thoughts had run through her head when she thought she'd be privy to the event. While she would like to be there for Shepard afterwards, it was a private matter that she had no business being a part of. "I understand, Shepard. But will you inform me when you decide? I would like to be able to make time to be with you afterwards if you need a friend."
Shepard looked over her shoulder and smiled at her. "Of course. That sounds pretty awesome actually. I've never had to do this before so I have no idea how I'll react," Shepard admitted. "I mean, I know I'm the one breaking up with him, but it'll still be really sad for me. Jeez, I hope I don't cry, that would be cruel and embarrassing," Shepard said dryly.
"Why would it be cruel for you to cry, Shepard?"
"Well, you know, I'm the one breaking his heart so I don't really deserve to be the one crying, don't you think?" Shepard gestured.
Liara shook her head. "Shepard, just because you are instigating it does not mean it will be any less emotional for you. It is going to be hard for you as well, so you should not be ashamed or feel poorly if you cry," Liara assured her.
Shepard rubbed the back of her neck and sighed. "I guess... Regardless, it's just speculation, I have no idea if I'll cry or not. But I would like it if we hung out afterwards. Maybe just do something really normal and boring like homework or watch a vid."
"We will do whatever you wish, Shepard, anything that will help you," Liara agreed.
Shepard smiled at her, "Thank, Li, you're the best."
Liara looked at her oddly. "'Li'?"
Shepard blushed and ducked her head. "Uh, sorry, that just sorta slipped out. Sorry if you don't like it."
"No, no, it is alright," Liara said hastily. "I just have never heard someone call me that before. It is a... nickname, correct?"
Her face cooling, Shepard looked up in surprise. "No one has ever shortened your name to that before?" Liara shook her head. "Huh, it just seemed like the natural thing to say. And yeah, I guess it's sort of a nickname. Though, a true nickname would be something like... 'Blue'." Shepard snickered.
Liara raised an eyebrow marking, "'Blue'? That does not seem very original, Shepard."
"No, it's not, I agree. But I was just giving you an example of an actual nickname. 'Li' is just a shortening of your name, like when we call Ashley 'Ash'," Shepard explained.
Liara nodded and then paused. "So... 'Joker' is Jeff's nickname?"
Shepard nodded enthusiastically. "Exactly! So you're okay with 'Li'?"
Liara smiled. "Yes. I feel it is fitting that you were the first to call me that."
"Why?"
"Because you are the first new friend I have made in a while, and you are quite different from anyone I have met before, so getting a new name for a new friends seems poetic," Liara explained.
Shepard blushed red all over again and Liara laughed. "You sure know how to give a girl a compliment... Li," she said shyly.
Liara shook her head but smiled warmly at her friend. As she looked away, her eyes lighted on an object that she had seen many times before but had never inquired about. Even though Shepard had never said anything about it, the frame of the blonde woman on the night stand next to the bed just had an air of importance. Liara hadn't any idea who she was, but she got the impression that it was someone dear to Shepard's heart and because of this, she had never felt close enough to Shepard to ask her about it. Now, however, having almost tangibly felt that they had grown closer, she decided to finally ask who the woman in the picture frame was. "Shepard?"
Shepard was focused on whatever was on her terminal and so only hummed in acknowledgment but didn't turn around.
Liara paused and took a deep breath. "Who... Who is the woman in the picture," she asked quietly. She wasn't specific because almost instinctively she knew that Shepard would know exactly who she was talking about. And watching the human's shoulders tense and her hands cease movement proved that she was correct.
It was almost a full minute before Shepard slowly turned around in her chair and faced forward. But she wasn't looking at Liara, she was looking at the picture frame. "That... is my mother," she said slowly.
Liara'd had a vague idea that the person was important to Shepard, but hadn't realized how important. She hadn't been expecting that response and so she didn't know how to answer. They sat in silence until Liara finally spoke again. "She is very beautiful."
The smile on Shepard's face was heatbreakingly sad. "Yeah, she was."
Liara immediately picked up on the past-tense of the word and froze. It was common knowledge that Shepard lived with her aunt, Karin Chakwas, though they were not actually blood related. She had never pried into why that was and to her knowledge no else had either. They just accepted it and moved on since Shepard made it seem like the most normal thing in the world. With this new information, however, it kick-started Liara's mind and the previously unasked questions of why Shepard had moved and why she was staying with her aunt rolled back to the forefront of her mind. She was bursting to ask what had happened to cause the 'was' in Shepard's statement, but she was terrified of knowing the answer.
It was minutes later when Shepard, still looking at the picture, said, "I know you want to ask."
"I... W-well, yes. B-but..." Liara sputtered. Her insatiable curiosity battling with sparing her friend.
"Ask," Shepard said, "I'll tell you. I haven't told anyone but I'll tell you." She almost sounded desperate.
Liara was struck with the weight of that statement. Shepard had almost been on Sanves for two months and not a single person knew why. And now she was going to be the first? Shepard wanted her to be the first? It was a daunting responsibility but one she would bear for her friend. "Shepard..." she took a breath. "What happened to your mother?"
Shepard opened her mouth once but then closed it, a small furrow appearing in her brow as if she were thinking very hard. She abruptly stood up from her desk and made her way to her bed near the night stand. For the first time since Liara had asked about the picture Shepard looked directly at her. She just motioned for Liara to come sit next to her on the bed and Liara forced herself not to lunge forward. She calmly and slowly rose from where she was sitting and approached her friend. She sat down and Shepard gave her a weak smile before looking back to the frame.
She lifted it off the nightstand and stared at it for a few moments. "Her name was Hannah," she said so quietly Liara almost didn't hear it. Then, surprising her, Shepard passed the picture to Liara. She held it gently and almost reverently, recognizing that the picture was solid and real, not a holo. That fact alone seemed to increase the importance of the situation ten-fold.
Shepard's voice focused her. "I think when we're younger we think our parents are invincible," she started slowly. "They're our world and we rely on them for everything. I'm sure all little girls think their mom's are the best, but I'm not kidding when I say mine was damn near the best of all."
Liara could agree with those statements. Especially for asari, the bond between mother and daughter is almost sacred. Knowing that Shepard looked up to her mother in the same manner made Liara's heart ache more since she knew that this story obviously didn't have a happy ending.
"Everyone knew who she was. I swear she never said a mean word in her life to anyone. Even the meanest, nastiest people who would try to curse at her just to spite her kindness would walk away loving her," Shepard laughed hollowly. "As I got a little bit older and started understanding the looks of love that my parents gave each other, I looked around. Everyone looked at my mother the way my dad did. I think she probably had hundreds of people who were in love with her and yet because of who she was, they never hated her for the fact that she could never love them back the same way." Shepard paused there, maybe thinking about it again herself or letting Liara think through the words.
"Can you imagine loving someone so much that it doesn't even hurt that they donn't love you back?" Shepard whispered. "I can't. But that was my mom; the woman who had a heart of gold. I think I randomly told her that once when I was little." Liara could almost see the memories ghosting in Shepard's eyes. "It became a sort of thing for us. She would tell me that my heart was made of gold and then I would giggle and say, well her heart was made of gold-ier gold."
Liara almost wanted Shepard to stop relieving her past and just tell her what happened because she felt it was just making this whole conversation more painful, but she held her tongue. She was guessing that this would be the first time Shepard articulated this story to someone who hadn't known her mother and decided she would allow her friend to say whatever she needed.
"Anyway, that was just who she was. I'm sure you know that biotics in humans is not a natural occurrence like it is for the asari. Before I was born, an eezo plant near where I was born exploded." Liara hadn't expected the random subject jump to biotics, but then realized why it was relevant and her apprehension grew. "Nothing happened for five years and we thought we were in the clear, but then my powers manifested and we realized we hadn't escaped the radiation blast completely."
Liara could just imagine a younger version of Shepard being confused and afraid of her odd glowing hands. It made her want to give that little girl a warm hug. "So we dealt with that. Thankfully my biotics aren't very strong so it didn't really disturb our life too much. We thought that was the end of our problems. We had a scare when Kenzie was born, and the few years following, waiting to see if she would be affected too, but nothing cropped up." Shepard paused here and Liara could almost feel the story standing at the edge of a cliff, about to tumble off into the abyss.
"There were signs. I know there were, looking back. But we all ignored them. A few months before my 15th birthday, around the time me and Tucker seemed to be becoming more than friends, we found out my mom had cancer. It was bad. So bad that I don't think coming in any earlier would have changed much, though now I'll never know. It was just downhill from there." Liara couldn't help herself any longer and with one hand she let go of the picture frame and reached over to grip one of Shepard's hands. It was squeezed immediately and a lightning fast smile flashed across Shepard's face.
"She was limited to months after that. I was so angry, and yet my mother wasn't. I couldn't understand why she wasn't cursing the God she believed in and raging about her situation. She somehow came to terms with everything and ended up being the one comforting us throughout the term of the sickness." Shepard laughed humorously, though it was more of a pained huff, and shook her head incredulously. "If ever my mother's goodness and spirit were evident it was during that time. She was dying and yet she was still holding our family together even as it raced towards being torn apart."
"My dad..." Shepard closed her eyes. "My dad didn't take it well at all. He started falling apart, though I didn't really notice because I was sort of falling apart too." Shepard took a deep breath and Liara guessed that everything was culminating for the end, now.
She gently set the picture frame down and scooted them both into the middle of the bed, sitting with their legs criss-crossed and facing each other. She took Shepard's other hand and squeezed reassuringly. Shepard looked at her gratefully and took a deept breath. "On... on the last day she was a-alive, we'd been in the hospital almost the entire day. She slept a lot, in the last few days, her body fighting to stay alive. My dad made us go home when it got late, but before I even went to bed the hospital called and... It was time."
Liara could see unshed tears in Shepard's eyes but her friend still spoke on. "We each said our goodbyes. I... promised her that I would try and keep our family together a-and strong. She called me a shepherd," she laughed quietly and sadly, "a play on our last name that she loved to use. If... If you've ever wondered why I only go by my last name, it's because of what happened that night," Shepard whispered. "One of the last things that she said before she fell asleep and never- never woke up was my name... My first name."
Liara didn't know how Shepard was still talking coherently. Just listening to her friend talk made her want to bawl her eyes out. But she was keeping her emotions in check to support Shepard. One tear escaped down her pale face and Liara quickly wiped it away, trying to smile encouragingly. Shepard squeezed her hands in thanks and took one more deep breath before plowing forward.
"It got too hard after that to listen to other people say my name when every time I heard it, it took me back to that hospital room. You would think that after she... passed, that we would just try and take our time to grieve and heal. Well I tried, and I guess in his own way my dad tried, but he coped horribly. The year that followed mom's death was awful. He would come home drunk when he came home at all. I rarely saw him and when I did he looked terrible. He..." Liara was surprised to see anger pass through Shepard's eyes and wondered what her father had done.
Shepard took a calming breath, letting the anger pass and started talking again. "I'm trying to forgive him, so I won't bring it up, but he did some awful things to me and McKenzie. The summer before I turned 16 he did something that pushed me over the edge and made me realize he needed professional help. So I moved me and McKenzie out and began looking for a more permanent solution."
Feeling that the worst of the story had passed, Liara decided she could be more now than a passive listener. "Is that when you decided to move here to be with your aunt?" she asked quietly so as not to startle Shepard since she hadn't spoken for a while.
Her friend nodded. "Yeah. None of my other relatives could really support us long term and even though Karin isn't related to us by blood, she was like a sister to my mom and like a real aunt to us. So, after working out the logistics, a couple of months later, almost a year exactly to the anniversary of my mother's death, we got on a ship and came to live here. And I guess the rest you know," Shepard finished.
Liara was glad she had finally gotten everything out. Hearing about the incredibly hard journey that her friend had lived through was painful, and almost surprising, if she were being honest. She would have never guessed in a hundred years that Shepard was harboring such a painful past. She always seemed so together and confident that it never would have occurred to Liara that she was hiding something so painful. And so recent. If she were in Shepard's situation she didn't think she'd be able to be as strong. Before she said anything in response to Shepard's story, she let go of her hands and leaned forward to hug her friend tightly. She couldn't hug that poor little grieving girl but she could very well hug her grown-up counterpart now. "Thank you, Shepard," she said quietly in her ear, then she drew back from the hug. "Thank you for trusting me enough to share your past with me."
Shepard smiled at her, though it was a tad subdued from her usual grins, and she wiped her eyes of any residual wetness. "Well you've earned my trust fully, even in the short time we've known each other. You've been a great friend to me and I just felt like it was time to finally tell someone what happened."
"You are a very strong person, Shepard," Liara said seriously. "After hearing everything you went through, I cannot believe you are as put-together as you are. Ah, no offense," she said quickly, blushing.
Shepard laughed. "Oh, so you're saying I should be a depressed crazy person, huh?" she teased.
"Shepard!" Liara whined, pouting. She hadn't meant it that way at all, but if it caused Shepard to laugh without hearing sadness in it, then she would allow herself to be teased as much as was needed. "You know that is not what I meant."
Shepard tapped her nose and made a face but she grinned. "I know, silly. I just love messing with you," she said cheekily. "But in all seriousness, Li, thank you for listening and helping me through that. It's... tough to think back on let alone verbalize everything, but talking about it helps."
"We are friends, Shepard, these are the things we do for each other," Liara assured her. "Now I know that if I am ever in need of someone to talk to, you will be there, as I was here for you."
Shepard smiled, "You're awesome, Liara."
Liara rolled her eyes, "Flatterer." She grew serious, though, when something from Shepard's story came back to her. "Shepard..."
"Yeah?" She'd obviously caught the tone of Liara's voice.
Liara looked down and fidgeted with her hands, unsure of what Shepard's reaction would be to her question. "Would you... May I ask you something very personal, based on something I learned from you story?"
Shepard tapped her friend's knee to get her to look up. "I think we've gotten pretty personal just now, Liara, don't you think? You can ask me anything."
Liara nodded but was still hesitant. "You say that but..." She took a deep breath and just went for it. "What is your first name, Shepard?"
She wasn't looking up, so Shepard's initial silence made her fear the worst, but she heard a small chuckle and darted her head up. Shepard was smiling at her, but she wondered what the laugh was about. "I was wondering when you were going to ask me that, you know, so quit looking like you kicked my puppy or something."
Liara looked at her aghast. "I would never kick Sadie!" she said vehemently.
"Woah! No, I know you wouldn't. Why would- Oh!" Shepard laughed in sudden realization. "Sorry. That was an expression. If someone has a sad or ashamed look on their face a variation of that saying is used," Shepard explained through her giggles.
Liara just huffed at her. She had genuinely been confused as to why Shepard thought she would have ever harmed Sadie, and now she just felt slightly embarrassed for not understanding yet another human idiom. "Yes, yes, laugh at the asari," Liara said dryly.
Shepard was finally able to reign in her laughter and she apologized. "I'm sorry, Li, that was not the right moment to laugh, but I'm so used to just using expressions that I sometimes forget you don't understand them." She paused, allowing the moment to pass and getting slightly more serious. "But back to your question. I knew you'd probably ask about it sometime, so don't feel bad," she assured.
"So you are not mad?"
"Not at all. My first name is..." Shepard took a deep breath. "My name is Sydney," she said quietly.
Liara didn't say anything right away. She let the name float around in her head to get a feel for it. Obviously it hurt Shepard when she heard it, so Liara wanted to remember this moment since she probably wouldn't often get a chance to hear it out loud. "Would... May I say it?" Liara asked timidly.
Shepard nodded, but nothing else. Liara guessed she was probably bracing herself to hear her name said out loud for the first time in months. "Sydney Shepard..." Liara let the name roll off her tongue. She enjoyed how well the two names fit together and had to fight the urge to say them over and over again. She decided to say it one more time and then she wouldn't push her luck. She looked right in her friend's eyes and said, "Sydney, you are an amazingly strong person and a dear friend." It probably wouldn't do much, but maybe if Shepard could associate her name with positive feelings it would help dull the pain she felt every time she heard it.
Shepard smiled at her after she said it, but didn't give any indication beyond that. "Thank you, Liara, you're a dear friend to me, too. There isn't anyone else I trust more on this planet than you to know my name." It was said somewhat humorously, since Shepard didn't really know all that many people on Sanves, but the sentiment still held meaning.
"I shall treasure it," Liara said with certainty. They both smiled at each other and sat for a few moments before taking deep breaths and deciding to move on. Liara now knew the truth to Shepard's past and Shepard knew she could trust Liara explicitly. It almost felt like they could physically watch their relationship grow and it made them both smile. They had grown so close so quickly and they were glad for it.
For some reason, though, Shepard decided not to tell Liara that when she'd heard the asari say her name, for the first time in a long time she wasn't filled with pain. When Liara said her name, it made her feel happy.
A/N - I feel like I'm about to write an acceptance speech, so bear with me, but this is an important day and chapter for me :) (Guys I'm a sap and this is my first ever fic so deal with it haha)
Today, exactly one year ago on April 12, I posted my first chapter of Growing Pains. I had absolutely no clue how big it would grow and how many of you beautiful, awesome, wonderful people would hop on board and go through this journey with me. It's been a big growing experience for me in terms of my writing and I have been able to see my writing improve from chapter one trying to give you guys the best story possible.
Almost 200k words and 60k+ views later, my mind is literally blown thinking of that little 2,000 word chapter that I wrote a year ago. A billion hugs for those of you who have literally been reviewing since the very beginning and a billion hugs for everyone else who has jumped in along the way. Literally 100% of my motivation is you guys so thank you so much for the support.
I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as I did writing it and I hope you have a wonderful day!
