Chapter 52 – Things Past

He closed his eyes and took in her scent, nuzzling up close to her and planting soft kisses on her neck. She laughed and told him to get some sleep. Relenting, he wrapped his arms around her, holding her close and sighing contently, pleased to once again have her in his arms. This was what Richard had missed most while being in the Palace of the Prophets; simply being able to fall asleep with the woman he loved in his arms. And what made it all the more brilliant was that in her arms, nestled safely, was their daughter, Sanya Cypher. He felt blessed to have two beautiful daughters. No matter what anyone else might say or think, Richard was determined to treat both equally. He was the one that bonded with Ashley when she was a newborn. He was the one who rocked her to sleep in her first days. And he loved her just as much as he loved little Sanya.

Richard listened as Kahlan's breathing evened as she went to sleep. He smiled softly and shifted over her to gave down, basking in her beauty. Gently, he brushed her hair aside to kiss her brow, then her nose, until tenderly planting a loving kiss on her slightly parted lips. She stirred at his touch, her lips curling into a small smile as she let out a breath, murmuring his name in her slumber. He leaned over her and checked on Sanya, before slipping back down and pulling Kahlan to his chest. He kissed the back of her head and buried his face in her hair, going to sleep breathing in her wonderful intoxicating scent.

XXX

When he woke up in the midmorning, it was slow, just a couple of blinks. But then his eyes bolted opened and he almost immediately sprang up to a sitting position, becoming wide awake when he did not find Kahlan at his side. He turned around, looking frantically for her, then let out a sigh of relief when he saw her sitting comfortably by the campfire with Darla. The midwife looked up when she heard him sigh and smiled with a shake of her head as she stirred the contents of a bowl over the flames.

"See," he heard Kahlan say. "I told you he was protective."

"Protective or possessive, which is it, dearie?" came Darla's reply.

The tension in his shoulders relaxed when he heard Kahlan infectious laugh. Richard rubbed the fog of sleep from his eyes and stood up off the bedroll, arching his back and raising his arms as he stretched. He made his way over to the campfire, and slowly eased down next to Kahlan, who shifted to allow him to place his arm over her shoulder. She gave him her special smile, and then leaned into him, resting against his side. He kissed her temple and looked back over at Darla, as the old woman dished out some porridge for breakfast. She handed him a bowl.

"We kept some warm for you, Richard," she said. "I would have woke you earlier, but Kahlan, here, thought you could use the rest.

Richard accepted the bowl. Kahlan adjusted herself so that he could have his arm back, since he could not very well eat with one hand. He exhaled, still wanting to have his arm around her, but conceded to the fact that he needed nourishment. Suddenly, in the middle of his food, Sanya started to bawl her little head off. Richard blinked and looked over, seeing Kahlan shake her head.

"She's been really hungry this morning," Kahlan said, exchanging a look with Darla, who gave a nod.

For some reason, Richard tensed when Kahlan began to unbutton her blouse. He did not know why, but he did. He looked around them, and saw that the Aydindril soldiers started to move about or turn their backs, keeping a respectful distance away. Richard swallowed the porridge that was in his mouth and watched as Kahlan pulled a milk heavy breast from her blouse and held their infant up to her. Sanya quieted almost immediately once she latched on and started suckling, her little brown eyes gazing over at him. He smiled at her and tentatively reached over and brushed her brown hair from her brow. Sanya closed her eyes happily and continued suckling.

Kahlan laughed slightly, seeming to notice how he had become nervous. "Why are you blushing, Richard?" she asked, obviously amused. "You've seen much more."

He only seemed to blush more when her comment pulled a loud chortle out of the wrinkly old midwife sitting across from them on the other side of the campfire.

"Tell me, Richard," Darla said, easing back against a tree, groaning slightly at the aches in her bones. "How did a rogue like you managed to swoon a princess off her feet?"

Richard looked over at the midwife and used a spoonful of porridge to delay his answer. He did not know how to answer such a question without having to explain what Kahlan was, and he was unsure of exactly how much his beloved had informed the midwife. Kahlan, seeming to sense his worrying, learned over, resting her head against his and gave him some help.

"I've decided that it was best to let her assume I was a princess or something," she whispered quickly. "When she arrived in Aydindril and saw the Confessor's Palace and the copious servants and staff, it seemed the best thing to do. Not to mention Captain Kandon and the two dozen or so of the Aydindril city guard that accompanied us when we left."

Richard gave a nod and looked back over at Darla. "It's a long story, but suffice it to say, I saved her life."

"Saved her life, huh?" Darla nodded. "It must have been some save, because that woman there is devoted to you in such a away that I have never seen before in anyone. You… you're a very lucky man, Richard Cypher, do you know that?"

He smiled broadly and looked back at Kahlan, gazing deeply into her eyes. "Everyday," he replied. Richard could not resist, and leaned forward, capturing her lips in a quick kiss. Kahlan moaned softly in his mouth and her pale cheeks flushed considerably.

When they backed away, Kahlan let out a breath and smiled at him, giggling softly. "Now eat up, Richard… we've got a long day ahead of us." She looked back down at Sanya, and ran her fingers along the mass of brown hair as she continued to suck.

Richard smiled at the sight of Kahlan tending to their daughter and felt his heart skip with longing to have their whole family reunited in Aydindril. But then, as he quickly ate the rest of the porridge, his mind turned to more ominous things as he remembered the threat that was still out there. He looked over his bowl and stared out at the surrounding woods, almost as if he could sense dark things moving about within the shadows under the tall trees. The sooner they got Kahlan and Sanya back to the Confessor's Palace and behind the city walls, the better.

XXX

Borrowing a long thin blanket from the supplies, Richard created a sling in which they could nestle Sanya in as they rode. It was better than the previous two days, when Kahlan had insisted on holding their daughter in her arms, which slowed down their pace. Kahlan wanted to be the one to hold Sanya, but Richard insisted, wanting some bonding time with his daughter. He remembered how pleasant it was having Ashley rest against his chest as she slept, and wanted to repeat the experience with Sanya. When Kahlan saw how determined he was, she relented with a smile, grabbing the collar of his shirt to pulled him down for a heated kiss.

Riding along the forest, Richard kept a watchful eye along the tree line, unable to shake the feeling that they were being followed or watched from the shadows. Kahlan and Darla rode slightly a head of him, five guards plus Captain Kandon surrounding them on their mounts. The rest of the Aydindril soldiers formed a kind of perimeter around the entire group, riding in a big oval around them.

He checked on Sanya, smiling as she cooed softly in her slumber, her little fist tightly grabbing at his shirt. Richard allowed himself to relax and simply bask in the beauty of what Kahlan and him had made. He was amazed at how much Sanya looked like him, but he felt she had Kahlan's chin and nose, though the rest looked so much like him that it was startling. Richard had known, almost ever since he could remember, that he had wanted to be a father. Yet he had never imagined, in his wildest dreams, that he would ever find a woman like Kahlan who would help him with those dreams.

Sure, they had had their difficulties, what with the barrier of her powers, and the fact she had taken a mate, which was still a bit sore and caused his heart to ache, but he was not going to let it disturb his happiness and love for her. His biggest issue with the whole thing was not that she had taken a mate; it was that he had not been able to be the first man she was ever with. Kahlan had told him that she was a virgin, something she had confided in him after some alone time and some chaste kisses before they used the Boxes of Orden to defeat Rahl. He had hugged her and told her that when he found the way past their powers he would make sweet love to her for hours upon end. She had blushed brightly, but gave him her special smile.

Richard sighed, remembering those past moments. He had so desperately wanted her first time to be something special, something that she would remember and always cherish. But sadly, almost depressingly, it was not to be. After they had reconciled, Richard had coaxed some of the details out of her, but she had not said much. He knew it was wrong, but part of him wished that Kahlan had suffered more than she had when they had consummated their marriage in the river. He felt guilty and bad for even thinking that, but that part of him just did not like the idea of another man being able to give Kahlan pleasure. Richard wanted to be selfish in that regard and be the only man to ever bring Kahlan to the heights to ecstasy.

It was not helping him to think about these things, but for some reason Richard's mind kept going to them. He figured that it was probably because somewhere, deep down, he was still bitter over the fact that she had not waited for him. That she had slept with another out of duty and had not fought against the council's insistence that she take a mate. Richard also knew that all these feelings were old news. That they had gone over some of this stuff before they had reconciled and made love for the first time in that wayward pine. But try as he might, he could just not get over it.

He almost wished that the bandits had not killed Dragen, her mate, so that he could have been the one to dispatch him to the Keeper. It was not like him to relish in the thoughts of killing another, but something raw and twisted within him had wanted to gut the confessed man the moment he first saw him holding a sobbing Kahlan in the gardens behind the Confessor's Palace.

"Richard?"

He blinked and looked over to find that Kahlan had slowed her horse to ride along side him. Her eyebrows were knitted together and she wore a confused and worried expression. Richard was suddenly ashamed with himself. There was no reason for him to be focusing on past events, when he had now "eloped" with Kahlan, as she liked to call it. She may have slept with another before him, but she had not married her mate. She had married him, Richard Cypher, and she had given him a beautiful daughter. Not to mention the agony she had gone through just to consummate their marriage.

Richard felt all the more terrible for even being mad that Kahlan had been with another before she had been with him, because he had been with other women before he had ever met her. But still, once Richard had met Kahlan, he had remained chaste, waiting for the day when her powers would no longer be an obstacle against his desperate and primal need to ravage her over and over again.

He blinked and looked up at her, watching as she gripped the reins of her horse tightly and directed it closer to his. She looked over at him with big brilliant blue eyes that always left him breathless.

"Is everything all right, Richard?" she asked in a low voice.

Richard swallowed past the lump in his throat and clenched his jaw. "It was… it's nothing, Kahlan," he replied slowly. "Don't worry yourself."

Kahlan gave him a look and shook her head. "I'm your wife now, Richard," she said softly, giving him a small version of her special smile, trying to comfort him. "If there is something that is troubling you, then I want to know."

All he could do was stare at her, unsure if he should even tell her about how he was thinking about things past that should be forgotten. Looking around, judging whether or not they could be overheard, he lowered his voice, knowing that she would not stop pestering him until he told her.

"I… I feel terrible about this," he said in a quiet voice, just loud enough for only her to hear. "But… I don't know if it is because of what we did in the river, but I cannot stop thinking about you and… and the confessed man being together… about him taking your… and whether or not you found any pleasure in his…"

He let his voice trail off, unable and unwilling to even say it out loud, seeing how much of an effect his words were having on his beloved, not to mention his own aching heart. He was beginning to wish he had been more in control when he had gone to "bathe" with Kahlan in the river. Truth be told, that had been his original intention. He had not expected himself to go all animalistic on her. He felt like he had pressured her into it, and it made him feel terrible, knowing how much pain it had brought her. Richard could still not get the image of her bleeding down there out his mind. It pained him deeply that making love to her had done that, especially when he had thought he had not been that rough.

Kahlan's lower lip began to tremble and her expression drooped. Her eyebrows set in an anguished and heartbroken angle, and her beautiful bright blue eyes dimmed and grew sad. "I cannot blame you for wondering," she responded slowly. "I… we should have talked about this long ago." She swallowed and looked at him with watery eyes.

"What… what I felt when he… he took my maidenhood was far worse than anything I felt out in that river yesterday," she continued in a quaking voice. "I cried the whole time, knowing that I was most likely destroying any future I could ever have had with you, Richard. And I was so thankful when it was over. I never… not once, even in the other times I had to lay with him before I became with child, did I ever find any pleasure. Never." A trembling hand reached over to grab his. "You have to believe me," came her weak voice.

Richard bit his lower lip, and looked up at her, his eyes watering. He squeezed her hand reassuringly. "I believe you, Kahlan," he spoke softly. "And… and I'm sorry for making you relive it. I… I'm sorry."

"No, don't ever be sorry for something that was my fault," Kahlan quickly interjected. She sucked in a breath and removed her hand, regaining control of her horse. "I am to blame for all that heartache and torment. Never blame yourself, do you hear me?"

Richard gave a nod and looked down at Sanya, who had awoken, hearing her mother's voice. The babe let out a little squeal and Richard pulled his horse to a halt. Kahlan followed suit. Slowly, Richard dismounted, supporting Sanya's head with one hand as he did so. Kahlan was already by his side when his feet hit the ground. She immediately grabbed his face and pulled it up to look at her.

"Can you ever forgive me for not waiting for you?" Kahlan asked, her voice sounding desperate. Her chest was heaving and she looked near panic.

He knitted his eyebrows together and averted his eyes, feeling terrible for ever bringing it up. Richard had not meant to accuse her of enjoying her time with Dragen. It just pained him that her first experience in lovemaking was not with him, and would forever be tainted by having to submit to a confessed man instead of the man she loved. He closed his eyes and tensed his jaw, finding it hard to respond to her. The only sounds seemed to come from Kahlan, softly sobbing, and their daughter, who was making mewling noises.

"Richard?" Kahlan's voice sounded worried, as if revealing some of the details of her time with Dragen had resulted in her losing him.

Looking up, he glared at her with a penetrating stare of love. His look had the desired affect, because it appeared that, for a second or two, Kahlan had forgotten how to breathe. He shifted, grabbing her face in his hands and pulling her to him. He pressed his lips softly against hers and murmured his apologies. "Let us leave it in the past," he mumbled into her mouth as they kissed. "All regrets and worries are things past, now. We have a future to look towards. A future with possibilities and…" he was interrupted by a tiny giggle from Sanya. "And," he chuckled softly, gazing down at their baby. "And many little ones."

Kahlan laughed softly and relaxed, resting her forehead against his. "Then… then you'll still have me as your wife."

"Always and forever, yes," Richard reassured her. "Let us forget those trouble times and think of the future. Think of our daughters now and the ones to come. We will build a life together and every moment of it shall be spectacular."

He caressed the side of her face and brushed her hair from her brow, staring intently into those wonderful blue eyes of hers. As he gazed deeply into the eyes of the one he loved, Richard's mind began to wander to more pleasant thoughts than before, remembering how they had made love for the first time in that wayward pine. As if she could sense his thoughts she smiled.

"As far as I am concerned, Richard," she moaned softly into his mouth as his other hand dropped to her hip, allowing her to inch even closer. "That time in the wayward pine in Westland… that… that was my first time. And I shall treasure those memories for as long as I live."

"Oh," he arched his eyebrow and smirked. "Well, plan on making room for some more, because I plan on making a lot more of those kind of memories with you, my Kahlan… my beautiful Kahlan."

As if growing annoyed with their lack of attention, Sanya decided now was the right time to scream her little head off. Richard and Kahlan grimaced and smiled at each other, shaking their heads.

"For being so small, she certainly as a big set of lungs," Kahlan chuckled. "Here, let me carry her… you've had her for most of the day."

Richard sighed and relented, shifting the sling off and cradling it around Kahlan's shoulder. It seemed to work better, because the sling positioned Sanya's head in just the right spot so that Kahlan could part her blouse just a bit to give their daughter access for some breastfeeding. As soon as Kahlan directed the infant's little mouth to her breast, Sanya stopped crying and began to suckle. Richard chuckled and ran his hand over Sanya's small head.

"You know, I'm jealous of her," he told Kahlan.

Kahlan smirked and looked up at him with mischievous eyes. "Don't worry, Cypher," she narrowed her eyes as he helped her mount up on her horse, his hands lingers on her bottom. "You'll get your turn… eventually."

Richard shook his head at her. "Now that's just down right, mean," he joked.

Kahlan flashed him a big grin, and then squeezed her legs, sending her horse trotting off. He quickly grabbed the reins of his horse and jumped up, riding after her, his spirits on the rise as they rode on to Aydindril.