Say hello to the chapter of pain!

Both physical and emotional… This is like the opposite of the Breaking Dawn fight (or lack of) So enjoy! Hehehe

There's a reference to chapter 4: Filthy Beautiful in this chapter. It might be good to go back and just re-read the section from when she's alone in the forest, to where Jasper comes. You don't have to, you'll still understand the reference, it'll just make more sense if you do.

P.S I listened to Regina Spektor's "The Call" over and over while writing this. There are certain aspects of the lyrics which fit Bella's feelings perfectly.

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Chapter 48: Pain

Jacob's mouth hung open in a sloppy smile and in that moment, the universe shifted.

I stared into the eyes of the brown russet wolf and I wasn't fearful anymore. I wasn't panicked.

I was enraged.

His large, dark pupils reflected the anger I knew ran deep through my veins. An anger that could only be quenched by the death of the large brown wolf. After all, he had caused sufficient pain for us all in his life, it was about time he received some in return. Pain for pain. Blood for blood.

"He want's to talk you," Edward said softly, breaking the hard silence that had set in.

"I have nothing to say to him," I replied harshly, stepping back from the looming line of large wolves. "Nor do I intend to hear anything he has to say… It's time for him to face the consequences of his actions."

A low, guttural growl rolled through Jacob's mutt-mouth, blowing the hair around my face in a filthy breeze.

An odd feeling swept over me and I recognized it immediately. I had experienced the same feeling so many times now, that I'd lost count of the amount of times it had overcome me. The feeling before the big fight, before the war. A strange mixture between fear, power and loss. So much had changed in the past four years and yet here I was again. Back to the beginning… I had come full circle.

Edward chuckled softly, a sound completely out of context in the present situation.

"He's yelling out quite a number of profanities in his head," Edward informed us quietly. "There's actually a few words there that I've never even heard of."

The interjected humor of the moment was quick and unrewarding, not lessening the fear of death in any of us.

A large, sheer black wolf beside Jacob shuffled impatiently on his hind legs, his muzzle scrunched into an angry grimace. He was taller than the rest, yet his posture was cowered somewhat in comparison to that of Jacobs.

Sam… my mind informed me, recalling dozens of past experiences with the pack leader.

But if he were the pack leader, I continued internally. Then why is he positioned as if he is merely second in rank?

A trick? A diversion? I offered mentally, wanting the inner debate to cease. Or was the truth of it that Jacob really was leader now? Did he have some sort of ancient authority over the others that Sam did not? Did he wield power and control?

Before I could contemplate the thoughts further, I was distracted by the presence of something other than the wolves and my family. A new scent drifted through the air mixed with a feeling of fear and regret. The scent was not unappealing to me, but several of the wolves cowered away from the fresh odor… The sweet and vaguely familiar odor.

"Oh good, you didn't start without us!" Came a soft voice from beneath the shadows of the trees. The voice was familiar and warming, and as the sound rang out between the forest I felt my body change with a new sense of hope. A sense of survival.

Carmen stepped out from beneath the large canopy, Eleazar followed close behind. Tanya and Kate slipped out next, standing strong and fierce next to their family, their hands clenched into fists of rage by their sides. Finally, Irina revealed her small form from behind the others, her eye's set into angry slits as she searched the open expanse for Michal.

"I have to apologize for my sisters," Carmen continued, walking slowly to meet my inspecting family. "They can be awfully foolish sometimes. Fortunately, their only real vendetta against you all was that minor little incident between Irina and Michal. However, once I explained to Irina that she had the opportunity to shed blood from the wolves who took her dear Laurent, she was all too happy to join in the fight."

My heart was soaring. So much so, that I wasn't even listening anymore as the others mumbled out their apologies. The figures were now thirteen to fifteen, wolves to vampires. We had help. We could win.

Several of the observing wolves looked skittish from the recent additions, many of them backing up slowly as if contemplating to just skip out.

I smiled smugly at the obvious advantage we had, no longer paralyzed by my fear. Jacob's face was distorted into an expression of pure anger and I took a step closer to him, provoking his delicate control.

He ripped out a fierce, feral growl and snapped ferociously at my face.

"This is what you wanted…" I whispered out softly, staring him straight in his dark, livid eyes.

The wolves on the opposing side each stood on their hind legs, howling wildly towards the small fraction of the moon. The vampires on my side hissed and snarled at the raw noise, baring their teeth in fierce scowls.

And so it began.

Each side ran at each other violently, colliding in an upsurge of stone-marble skin and dark, coarse hair.

I leapt at Jacob's offensive stance, soaring effortlessly through the still night. His face smirked softly and a large russet paw made contact with my body, throwing me into a large tree. The tree immediately snapped into hundreds of splinters, scattering around the clearing like woodchips.

I jumped up quickly, not hurt in the slightest from the impact. Jacob cocked his head to the left, inviting me to take another swing.

I watched as the rest of my family and the Denali Clan fought diligently with the rival wolves. Jasper jumped swiftly from tree to tree, disorienting his opponent before going in for once large traumatic beat to the head, knocking them out but not killing them.

He doesn't want to kill them.. My mind informed me quietly. I smiled at the goodness in his heart and Jacob leapt aggressively at me, upset by my apparent happiness over the situation.

However, this time it was me that was in control of the situation, not Jacob. His sharp talons of claws came soaring dangerously through the air, aiming directly for my face. I stepped ten inches to the left and swung my leg around violently to hit him square in the face.

A low yelp resonated through the night as Jacob went sprawling to the ground. There were thick splatters of blood on my leg and I realized that the impact of my force must have cut Jacob's face deeply.

"Down Bella!" Alice screamed loudly, drawing my attention to Jared's bulky brown wolf form that was running furiously towards me.

My mind told me what action I could take, but my body was indecisive, causing Jared's teeth to meet with my stomach in a painfully deep slice. Venom pooled from the cut, soaking through the blue shirt and dissolving some of the fabric.

Jacob jumped up from his temporary fall and closed in behind me, leaving me trapped between both him and Jared.

I searched anxiously for someone that could help me, but I found no one available. Alice was yelling a list of profanities while beating furiously at a smaller mahogany colored wolf that continued to snap brutally at her arms and legs.

Jared's body coiled like a spring while Jacob's claws scratched and swung at me. I tried to think of something, anything I could do to dissuade one of them, but I knew that my attempts would simply spur them on.

Caterina flew through the air like a savior, jumping on Jared's exposed back and slicing her nails over his body as he yelped and staggered away in pain.

"Damn Italy!" I applauded her laughing, "That's some skill you've got there!"

Jacob growled angrily behind me, taking a fresh vengeance against Caterina.

"Go and help the others!" She demanded, holding Jacob's lethal teeth at an arms distance. "Go! I'll handle this.."

I nodded swiftly and moved to rejoin the fight. Everywhere, separate struggles and brawls raged on, swings of blood and fury continuing effortlessly as the night drew on.

I moved to help Michal with his fight, but a shrill scream of agony stilled my steps and ripped my attention to the scent of a fire. The flames smelt sweet and tangy, fresh life being poured across the blaze.

"NO!" Edward bellowed loudly as three wolves ripped apart stone flesh, throwing the pieces into the inferno.

It felt as if my mind would dribble from my ears. Some had died. Not a wolf, but one of us. I ran forward desperately, my movements deeply slurred from the sobs that flew from my mouth like loud, angry sirens.

Edward pulled me back when I reached the fire, but I thrashed violently against his strong grip.

Who was it!? Who had they taken from me!?

It was then that I saw smolders of her strawberry blond hair, burning rapidly in the blaze.

"No, no, no, NOO!" Kate was screaming wildly as she ran forward at one of the three culprits, landing roughly beside the large wolf and ripping it's head off in one violent twist.

The deep, red blood splashed across the field and all across Kate's body. But even still, she tore at the mangled corpse, beating her hands across the large wolfs torso and chucking bits at the fire.

Eleazar and Rose stepped behind her, yanking her from the wolf's remains and holding her well away from the fire that threatened to consume her.

She had only come to help. She had come when she had no involvement in the fight whatsoever. And now she was gone. Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust.

My body willed to crumble with sadness, but I pushed on, re-immersing myself into the fight and taking the anger out on the large grey wolf beside me. Emmett, Carlisle and Esme fought off the third wolf that had led to Tanya's demise, circling it till the edge of the forest where it took off, running hastily from certain death.

The grey wolf ahead of me swiped at my face, causing shallow cuts to form on my neck and cheeks. I hissed back and snapped viciously at his legs and neck.

"BELLA! MOVE, NOW BELLA!" Jasper was screaming loudly to me, his face fixed into a distorted expression of painful sadness.

And then time moved much deliberate than usual. It was as if everything moved incredibly slowly, but much too quickly.

I watched as Sam's dark, burly form ran swiftly at me, his dagger-filled mouth frothing slightly with anger. I threw the grey wolf beside me into the forest, bracing myself for the impact of Sam's teeth.

This was it. My ultimatum. Act now and try to save myself or fight back and take him down with me.

I looked into the eyes of beast before me and prepared to meet him head on. I wanted to do this. It was my fight.

But apparently Jasper didn't think so.

A blond blur of fury danced lethally across the field towards me, grabbing fists of Sam's sheer black fur as leverage and slicing his teeth across the neck of the beast.

The large black wolf quivered for a moment, while the life blood ebbed onto the open field. Then he lay still. Cold. Lifeless.

Jasper looked up towards me with pained eyes.

"I'm sorry.. I didn't want to… But he-"

And then life as I knew it ended.

Not mine… but his. My everything. My life.

Jacob was there before any action could be taken at all. He let out a raw, throaty snarl and swiped one large, sharp claw across Jasper's throat… leaving him in two.

I watched as Jasper's head rolled to the floor, venom pooling to the field like corrosive acid, burning through the grass in obscure patterns.

My heart shattered into a thousand separate pieces. The pieces then turned to dust. The dust then caught alight and ripped a fiery vengeance through the very depth of my soul.

It was over, they had won. I didn't care anymore. If everyone else still survived we would still have lost. We would still have lost everything.

I wanted death.

I wanted to death for me… But more than anything else in the world, I wanted death for Jacob Black.

I threw my head back and screamed louder than a thousand wolf cries. The ground beneath me shuddered violently as I felt a new strength coarse through me, a powerful and lethal strength.

I could hear Carlisle crying out loudly towards me, but I didn't care. He could scream all he wanted to and I would never heed his words of warning. Never listen. Never come back.

Edward screamed loudly to Alice, "Get the pieces, get them now!"

But non of it mattered. It was as if I were watching a horror movie on mute. The action raged by beside me but I could hear none of it. Every action, every scream of terror didn't reach my ears. I had one task and one objective; Kill Jacob.

I crossed the field in front of me, never breaking stride in my march of vengeful bereavement. Why couldn't he have taken my life? Why not decapitate me?

My body lurched forward painfully as the sobs raked my body. My existence was over. Everything was over.

I was only one meter from him now. The hate I felt boiled under my skin as I stilled in front of him.

The wolf in front of me smiled. He smiled and I lost it.

The venom in my mouth ten folded, a mixture between my thirst and anger. I hadn't hunted in a few days and the scorch spurred me on, igniting more anger within its flames.

I spat the quantity in his face and threw my fists at him, tearing at flesh and bone. He yelped painfully ahead of me, clawing at my arms but not fighting with the strength I knew he had.

"FIGHT ME!" I yelled angrily, my sobs making my fighting sloppy. "FIGHT ME YOU MONSTER!"

His mouth twisted into a sick smile, before his body shuddered and shook, transforming into the beaten shape of his human form.

I held the fist I had clenched in mid strike, the bones quivering with the ferocity of my abuse.

"Don't… st… stop now… Bells…" He mumbled out, his voice choking on his own blood.

I looked down at his beaten, bloodied face, but what stared back was what I least expected to see. Even though he was stripped bare, beaten to a pulp and hovering between the brink of death, there was no fear, no anger, no determination. He was just…

"Do.. It…" He spluttered out, spraying blood on my feet.

…hopeful.

"Do it Bella! Finish me!" Soft tears began to run down his face, mixing with the blood and leaving fresh trails of clean skin down his face.

He wanted to die.

My fists fell limp beside my body and I slumped to the ground beneath me.

"You wanted to die…" I said slowly, realization sinking in. "That's what this is all about… you wanted to die and you were too much of a coward to do it yourself."

"Whimper your woes to your dead lover!" He spat icily, provoking me further.

I backhanded him across the face, making him laugh in joy. Fresh blood poured from the gash on his face, pooling into the dirt.

"That's …my girl…" He stuttered out, "You.. You.. Know you want to.."

I whimpered softly and scooted away from him. I would not give into him. I would not give him what he longed for.

I crawled away in the dirt, new sobs breaking through. If I had killed him when he first came, if I killed him when I had the opportunity, I could have prevented this all. Jasper would still…

I looked out to the horror in front of me and the mute button turned off. All the sorrow and the sadness wrecked through my body; the noise, the emotions, the sights. Irina and Kate sobbed together by the fire while their sister burned in the flames. Carlisle and Emmett gathered pieces of wolf and started a fresh fire, destroying the evidence, committing them to the blaze.

The wolves had departed… or who ever was left. Most of them had been massacred in the fight. Whoever had been cunning enough to survive had run like a coward. Or was the word hero? To the other wolves they would surely be thought of as that… the heroes, the champions.

Alice, Esme and Rose were not here.

And Jasper…

I suddenly understood Edward's suicidal tendencies. Is this what he had felt? What he had dealed with? If so, then I had a new found respect for him… because what I needed now more than anything was rest. The only type of rest that could be achieved through death.

"B..Bella.."

Jacob was dragging himself across the dirt behind me, his legs limp with pain.

"End it… end me and end your suffering.."

I stared at him disgusted. He truly had no idea what Jasper meant to me, what I was going through.

"Nothing that I could do to you would ever end my suffering…" I spat out, moving to stand above him. "I hate you more than I can possibly tell you.. And that's exactly why I will not kill you! Death is rest, it's peace. You don't deserve death!"

There was no more hope in his face, now he was blank. He was blank and empty. He new there was nothing now, no rest, no deliverance.

"Drown yourself, shoot your brains out, do what ever the hell you want! But don't you ever ask me to be your death angel… And I swear to you.. If I ever hear your voice again, see you anywhere.. I will make you feel exactly what I'm feeling now!" I bent down to stare him in the eyes, "Comprehend?"

For the first time that night, I saw the thing I so desperately wanted to see cross his face; Fear.

I stumbled back from him, sloshing my steps through the blood and dirt.

What did I do? Where did I go now?

I had nothing… I had no one…

"Bella?" I realized Edward was once again talking to me, but I couldn't answer him, I couldn't even speak.

"Bella go home…"

I looked hopelessly from his troubled eyes to Carlisle's caring face. Where was home? Home had been where Jasper was… where Jasper is…

"Go home," He repeated, his tone slightly angrier. "There's nothing for you here.."

I nodded slowly and stumbled off into the forest, fumbling through trees and mud.

"There's nothing for me anywhere…" I whispered once I was alone, slumping down amongst the mud and sinking into the ground.

I began to think that maybe if I stayed here forever, I would eventually forget. But I knew I would not. I would never forget his face, the way his eyes stared sorrowfully at me, upset for killing that scum… Why did he have to be such hero? I hated that he was so good! I hated that he always wanted to help!

I hated him!

"I HATE YOU!" I screamed it into the night, aiming the words towards the sky.

Jasper was in heaven. I had no doubt that someone so good belonged any where else following death. No one deserved the title of angel like he did… no one was so pure, so true in spirit.

"Why…" I mumbled out, holding back the wave of agony that threatened to gush out in sobs. "Why do you make me hate you like this?"

I hated everything right now… I hated being like this and Alice… Alice could see it all.

I remembered another time when I had received this epiphany before. The first time Jasper had left me. Right after my first hunt…

I laughed dryly to myself, I had been so in love with him and I had refused to acknowledge it. I didn't want Alice to see how upset I was, so I had put the shield up… But then he had turned up anyway… He'd been so sweet and he'd said..

"I'm so sorry for leaving. Can you ever forgive me?"

I was shocked by the clarity of the memory, impressed by the way I had so perfectly preserved the voice. But then again, I had a history of perfectly memorizing my past loves in traumatic times.

"Bella?"

The memory continued, and yet I did not recall this moment at all?

"Bella honey?"

Perhaps I was envisioning the memory in a way that I wanted it to go. But I couldn't understand why? The way the actual event had played out had been beautiful…

I rolled over softly in the mud and in that moment I knew I had final lost the final straw of my sanity.

Jasper smiled shyly at me, skulking over to sit down next to me. His face was so distorted by sadness that I was upset with myself for remembering only the distraught moment of his life.

"Be..Bella?" A soft sob ripped from his throat and I took my hand to the base of his throat, stroking the skin. There was no scar.

I sighed softly, "You're not real…"

His face turned from utter sadness to complete confusion.

"Bella, I'm so sorry you had to witness that, I know it must have been horrible but…"

"I have an impressive mind.." I mumbled quietly, resting my head in my lap. "You're very cunning for a memory.."

"Bella I'm not a memory!"

The beautiful figment of my imagination was angry now.. He had many levels for someone so unreal.

"Of course you are.." I muttered dismissively, "If you were real you'd be holding your head in your hands right now.."

"Bella!" Now he was laughing slightly, pushing his hand through his hair. This chimera had a lot of Jasper-like gestures. "You know that won't kill a vampire, ripping us up is only the first step!"

I wanted to believe the figment so badly, but I knew it would hurt more in the end.

"You would have a scar!" I cried back irritably, "There would be a scar where you were de..dec..apitated.."

It hurt me to say the words, it ripped open the wounds once more and a loud sob tore from my throat, echoing through the forest loudly.

The Jasper illusion took me in his arms, laughing all the while kissing my forehead.

"Edward wasn't kidding when he said you had trouble accepting things…"

I shook away from him, staring him in the eyes.

"There's no scar.." I said once more, always stubborn… always tenacious.

"There's no scar because there was no intruding vampire venom… remember? Only another vampire can leave a scar!"

A past memory tugged at my mind, but I shook it away, dismissing his words.

"Check your own battle scars!" He cried irritably, yanking away the scorched fabric covering my torso.

"Hey!" I said angrily, growing impatient with the delusion.

But there it was.. Or rather, there it wasn't. There was no scar where Jared had torn through my skin. No small incision, not any proof at all that I had been broken.

"Jasper?" I asked softly, a sob catching in my throat. I wanted to cry, I wanted release.

He looked at me softly and smiled weakly, nodding his head.

"It's not that easy to get rid of me, as much as you might-"

But I didn't let him finish, I grabbed him roughly and melded my lips to his, sobbing against the marble skin.

"…I …thought I'd.. lost.. You.." I whimpered out, shaking uncontrollably as everything I pushed back came ripping out from the seams.

"Why did you even do that!" I cried angrily, hitting him violently on the chest. "You're so stupid sometimes! You're so stupid I just want to strangle you! I just want to-"

But this time it was I who was not permitted to finish my sentence. Jasper intertwined his fingers through my hair, securing my face to his and kissing all the pain away. My emotions had dealt with too much today. If Jasper's mere presence wasn't enough to hold me in this moment forever, I was sure that I would have passed out from sheer emotional overload.

When he released me from his lips once more, I didn't dare let him go. I pushed him down onto his back and slumped onto his chest, running my hands up his neck and into his hair.

So much had been lost today… so many lives… so many families broken apart.

But still, our losses had not been complete…

We lay together in the mud for hours, not speaking, not moving, not even breathing.

At some point sunrise occurred, drenching the forest in fresh light. The fires had long burnt out, dwindled to nothing but ash and embers.

Old ashes, new life. It seemed to be the pattern of my life…

"So I guess… we won…" Jasper said softly, sitting up and holding me in his lap.

"We didn't win.." I replied quietly, "Everyone lost… There is no winning in death."

And that was the truth of it. You could say we had won, you could say we had lost… but that wasn't what mattered anymore, and finally, after many long years, I understood that.

Win, lose, fight, flight… none of it meant anything.

You needed strength.

The kind of strength to get through the fight, through the pain. It was about surviving…

It was all about life.

Oh sweet mother of god I'm tired…

Oh, and before you ask; No. This is not the end of the story… yet!

Be gentle!

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