:( I am SO sorry for the ridiculously long update time! I think 'death by coursework' was highly likely these past few weeks. Why have 4 deadlines in the same week! Sorry, moan over, butI really am so so sorry.

MASSIVE HUGE GINORMOUS thank you to everyone who's still sticking with this, and to Lizziginne, Terriah, pinkswallowsun, EmmaJ1996 (both your reviews), Izzy, gem.S and Thyqua for reviewing the last chapter, and to dinabar for all your PM's :) Seriously, this would have disappeared long ago if it wasn't for all of you.

Not entirely happy with this one but needed SOMETHING up! I haven't given up, promise :)

xXx


Chapter 53 – Conversations with Lottie

"Harry, just go home, please," Leo sighed, watching as Harry hit his keyboard in frustration. "We're not busy, PM's are done for the day and I need you on backup call tonight, so just go."

"I can't," Harry muttered, his eyes fixed to his computer screen. "I've only been in a few hours. I haven't done enough. I'm not doing enough!"

"You are," Leo said, moving to stand in front of Harry. "Listen, there isn't a lot we can do at the moment, so why don't you go home, try to get some sleep-"

"I did sleep!" Harry shouted, looking up at Leo. "That's the whole point, I let her down! I met Julia, we went back to mine and then I fell asleep when I should have been out looking for her instead."

"Don't start all this again Harry," Leo sighed, leaning against the edge of the desk. "You need to rest, and its not letting her down. If you collapse at work from exhaustion then you'll be no good to anyone. I for one am glad you got some sleep. But I still think you should go."

"Leo, I-"

"I'm not saying I don't want you here," Leo cut in before Harry got the wrong idea. "But we're short staffed, obviously, and I need you to be able to focus when I need you. I'm on call tonight, but I need you to be alert in case I need someone else there. If you act like you're not coping in front of an officer they're going to report you, and then you're no good to anyone."

Leo was right, of course. The more Harry thought about it, the more he realised just how badly this was affecting him. He wasn't coping. Not in the slightest. And he felt completely useless, not being able to do anything to help her. Who knew what had happened to her already, and he hadn't been there to protect her. She could have been tortured, or left to starve, or… no. He couldn't let his mind think of any worse. She was still alive. She had to be. He would have known if something that terrible had happened to her.

It was like he was programmed to her somehow, enabling him to know exactly when she needed a cup of coffee, or a hug, or just to be left alone to calm down. And now, deep down in his heart he knew that she was still alive, still staying strong, fighting to get home just as much as he was to get to her. And that's why he couldn't give up, not for one second. Not after he had let her down so many times in the last few days. Because she never gave up on him. She had travelled to Hungary to bring him home, even though all she was expecting was a charred body and a passport with his name on it. She hadn't given up…

Harry sighed in defeat and locked his computer, turning to face Leo.

"If you hear anything-"

"You'll be the first person I call," Leo finished and Harry nodded. "I promise. Now go, I don't care where it is you go to or what you do, but sitting in here isn't doing you any good."


Harry had intended to go home, he really had, but instead he found himself standing outside the police station, the only light coming from the dim streetlamps that were at the bottom of the steps, bathing everything in an orange glow. It was still early evening, only just gone five, and yet the winter darkness had taken over, the moon only just visible behind the rainclouds.

Pushing open the station doors, Lottie noticed him almost immediately and gave him a small, sympathetic smile.

"Dr Harry," she greeted him, moving out from behind the desk and wrapping her arms around him in an unexpected hug.

Harry stood in shock, before relaxing slightly and hugging her back, noticing how different this hug felt from the ones that he gave Nikki. Usually, it was only Nikki that Harry would even consider hugging in public, other than his mother yet that was only when he was forced to. There was just something about having Nikki tucked under his chin that felt so natural, so right, and he didn't care who saw them.

Lottie was shorter, plumper, and smelled of lavender, and yet in that very moment, stood in the middle of the police station with countless officers filing past them, Harry was truly grateful for the affection from Lottie. Not even she could cheer him up with a smile today, but she had found the next best thing.

Eventually, Lottie pulled away and seemed to hold Harry at arms length, frowning at him slightly.

"You look exhausted," she commented, shaking her head. "You need to go home and sleep."

"You sound like my boss," Harry rolled his eyes. "What I need is to see Shaw."

"Shaw hasn't been here in hours, I think he's out with the search team."

"Maddox then."

Lottie shook her head.

"Nope, he's not been in either, even though he had scheduled a meeting for this evening."

"But I thought you said Maddox always stuck to his schedule," Harry frowned.

"Normally he does," Lottie nodded. "But I think he's been rather busy lately, you know, with everything that's going on. Don't worry Dr Harry, I know most of what's happened lately. You pick up a lot working in here. But they're doing everything they can to find everyone."

Lottie gave Harry another small smile and patted him on the arm.

"How about we go have a nice cup of tea, and then maybe by the time we've finished one of the detectives will be back, and you can speak to him?" Lottie suggested, taking him by the hand and leading him round the back of the reception desk before he could answer.

"Rose, will you cover the desk for me please?" she shouted round the corner to a young woman who was leant up against the wall, obviously flirting with one of the uniformed officers. "I think your break ended about half an hour ago, didn't it?"

Rose rolled her eyes and giggled at something the officer whispered in her ear before stomping back to reception.

"How many tea breaks do you need?" she moaned before she caught sight of Harry who still had Lottie's hand around his wrist, as if she expected him to run away when she wasn't looking.

"Oh Lots, I didn't realise you had a toy boy," Rose giggled, fluttering her eyelashes at Harry. "So that's where you're running off to."

Lottie pushed open the door behind the reception desk and motioned for Harry to enter, before turning back to Rose and shaking her head, closing the door on her giggles.

"Sorry about that," Lottie said as she poured the water into the kettle. "The only reason she's working here is because her mother is head of the HR department. All she does all day is mess around and flirt with every officer that walks past. Honestly, it's like working with a child."

Lottie paused, turning to face Harry who was still standing by the door.

"Take a seat, warm up a bit. It's freezing out there. How do you take your coffee?"

"Black," Harry said, sitting down on one of the low sofas. "Strong. No sugar."

"Complete opposite to mine," Lottie giggled. "Milk and three sugars for me. That's probably how I can maintain my figure."

Lottie chuckled, patting her stomach and Harry couldn't help but feel the corner of his mouth twitch slightly.

"She's lucky to have you, you know?" Lottie said, and for the second time in five minutes Harry found himself speechless. First the hug, and now her unexpected statements. She really was like Leo.

"Who is?"

"Dr Nikki," Lottie said, raising her eyebrows. "Who else?"

Harry opened his mouth to reply, before shutting it again and running his hands through his hair.

"No," Harry said finally, shaking his head. "She deserves better than me. All I've done is hurt her."

"Don't be stupid," Lottie sighed, passing his a steaming mug of coffee and sitting down next to him. "I saw you last week, after you disappeared into the ladies' bathroom to find her. She was upset, and when a woman is upset, the only people she wants around are the people she truly cares for, the ones she can trust. Believe me on this one. And who was it she rang to pick her up? You Dr Harry."

"What are you trying to say?" Harry asked, turning to face her. He barely knew Lottie after all, the only time he had ever spoken to her was when she was at reception. She was a friendly familiar face at the station, but he had never had an in depth conversation with her before. Those conversations were usually with another woman, someone he knew better than he knew himself.

"I've seen you Dr Harry," Lottie frowned. "I've seen you in the station on so many occasions, and you look… sad. I don't know how to explain it, you just look lost. Like you're longing for something, and you don't even know what that something is. And I've seen you with Dr Nikki. It's only briefly, I know. And you probably think I'm acting crazy, but I saw you when you walked out the station, hugging her tight. It was as if you were never going to let her go. And that look in your eyes, that longing, it was gone."

Lottie smiled, placing her hand on Harry's knee.

"It's not something you're looking for, it's someone. And you've found her. You know you have."

Harry could feel the tears sting the back of his eyes, but was determined not to let them escape.

"And now I've lost her again," he whispered, and Lottie patted his knee.

"Come on doctor, who said love was easy," Lottie smiled. "You're going to find her again, I know you are. You're going to make everything better, and you're going to fix everything that's broken. Ok?"

Harry nodded, a new determination seeming to bubble up within his stomach, filling his entire body. It was like a warmth running through his veins that had nothing to do with his coffee.

"I am," he said, looking at Lottie again. "I'm going to make things better."

"Good," she smiled. "You need to stay positive Harry, you really do. If you give up then she'll know."

"I'm never going to give up looking for her, not ever," Harry shook his head. "It's just- I don't know if she knows I'm looking for her."

"Of course she does!" Lottie said enthusiastically, yet Harry shook his head again, the new determination faltering slightly. "What have I just told you, I've seen you together. Seen both of you. And I- well, I'm friends with Janet, but that has nothing to do with anything."

"You're friends with Janet?" Harry asked, frowning slightly. "Janet Mander."

"Yup," Lottie smiled. "Have been for years. She's Professor Dalton's girlfriend, isn't she? I've heard a lot about all three of you. Not the cases obviously, just stories of how you and Nikki lead Leo astray on nights out, stuff like that. Girly talk, you know?"

"And what exactly did Janet say about me and Nikki?" Harry asked, raising his eyebrows.

"That would be telling Dr Harry," Lottie giggled, before looking at him seriously. "She just knows you deserve what you keep telling yourself you can't have. That you both feel the same way, and yet you're both too stubborn to admit it."

"You seem to know more about me than I thought," Harry smirked, and Lottie took a sip of her coffee as she tried to hide her smile.

"Yeah, well, like I said. Janet and I have been friends for a long time, and we can both talk for hours when the wine starts flowing," Lottie giggled. "Look Harry, you need to promise me something ok? When you find Nikki, when you get her back, you need to make sure that you never lose her again. That she'll stay with you forever, and not end up with someone that she wasn't meant for. Because you and Nikki, you have something special, and no one is ever going to take her place."

Harry stared at Lottie, completely and utterly lost for words. How had she done it? He had only known her as a friendly face, someone to moan to on the way in the station, and here she was, giving him advice on his love life and telling him that he was meant to be with Nikki. He really did need to have words with Janet when he next saw her.

"I can tell that Janet has spoken about us a lot then," Harry said, taking a sip of his quickly cooling coffee. "But she didn't tell you what I did to her, did she? How I hurt her, physically and emotionally, and how I told her that I didn't want her. I sent her away Lottie. She was standing in my front room, silently pleading with me to hug her and make it all better, and I sent her away. If I hadn't- if she had stayed, then she wouldn't have been at her apartment when he turned up. She wouldn't have gone missing-"

"Don't start blaming yourself," Lottie sighed, standing up and placing her mug in the sink. "Please don't. What you've done in the past doesn't matter, it doesn't count. What does matter is what you do now. You can make everything better. You can find her, and she will forgive you."

"She's already forgiven me," Harry looked into his coffee cup and started to swirl around the contents. "That's what makes it a hundred times worse, she's already forgiven me, before she had even turned up at my apartment. There was no reason for me to send her away, for me to hurt her again and lie to her. But I did anyway."

Harry stopped swirling his coffee and looked up at Lottie, his eyes swimming with emotions.

"Why did she disappear Lottie? Why did he take her away from me before I could apologise?"

"So you could find her again," Lottie answered, putting her hands on her hips. "So that you could find her and show her just how much you love her. So that you could act strong and show everyone that you'll never give up. Stop blaming yourself Harry, and stop feeling sorry for yourself. If you want to find her then go out and look. You know just as much information as Shaw and Maddox, you don't need them. All Nikki needs is you, and I know for a fact that she's waiting for you."

Harry nodded slowly, before standing up and pulling Lottie into a tight hug once more.

"Thank you," he whispered. "You're right."

"No problem," Lottie giggled as Harry let her go, placing his mug in the sink and making his way to the door. "Dr Harry, you make sure you both come and visit when you get her back, won't you? I've always got coffee in, or I can get something else if she'd rather."

"Coffee sounds good," Harry smiled. "I think pathologists survive on the stuff. See you soon Lottie."

"Bye Dr Harry."

Harry quickly left the small room and walked right past Rose the receptionist, who was leaning on the desk talking to the same officer as she had been previously. Harry could hear her whispers get louder as he passed, but ignored them completely, pulling his scarf tight in preparation for the cold evening.

The dark sky seemed to have darkened even further when Harry stepped outside, the freezing wind stinging his skin instantly, and the clouds heavy with the promise of rain. And yet Harry took a deep breath and grabbed his keys from his pocket. Lottie was right, he didn't need Shaw or Maddox's advice, he was going to find her.

Even if it took him for the rest of eternity, he was going to find her and fix everything.