SONIC THE HEDGEHOG: DEFENDER OF AMERICA - 2013 EDITION


CHAPTER 1 - SONIC: DEFENDER OF FREEDOM


Sonic flew through time and space on his signature Harley Davidson™ motorcycle, channeling his hormonal teen frustrations and bodily fluids into his guitar, of which he appropriately named "Freedom". He thought back to a simpler time, when he was but a small teenager on the space colony of Kentucky's moonbase, which orbited the planet America II. He made an honest living as a lumberjack, relishing every slice of his axe, chopping away until he was pure of heart. All he had to guide him was the holy book, and a tattoo of a bald eagle on his left bicep which when flexed would make the eagle soar majestically across his bulging, vein-throbbing arm.

He remembered the day he was chosen by the goddess Anne Frank to be the defender of American freedom, one of the finer moments of his childhood. His guitar was a gift, originally forged by Abraham Lincoln while wearing the Ancient Celestial Tiger War Garb, the very same armor worn during the battle of Emancipation Proclamation. During this grievous battle, Lincoln was sealed in a prison of amber by John Wilkes Booth, one of the six unholy lieutenants of yore that were hunted to extinction. Anne Frank gave him this guitar so he could one day protect the freedom and liberties of his people.

A single American tear fell from his eye and a golden river filled his crisp blue jeans as he played a song on his guitar of his feelings, singing all of the words of the holy book backwards, forwards, and sidewards. Although the year was 7980XX, Sonic knew there was only one true 80's deep in his inner fibers. Was it destiny? Was he chosen to carry this burden? No. But yet he did, as any true patriot would. Signifying the end of his puberty, a mighty forest of hair spread across his finely toned chest and abs, and all who were there could have sworn they heard the echoing cries of a Bald eagle.

His journey of self discovery was now over, but a greater challenge awaited him. He heard the sound of Indie Music, a thing so Un-American it could make even the mighty eagle shed a tear. Out of his peripheral vision, he saw them. Hundreds of mopeds and segways, ridden by festering, disease ridden new-age hipsters garbed in the cosmic space armor. From their head they wore metal fedoras, and on their armor they donned raiment of ironic sayings, and in their soul they donned nothing. For they were not touched by grace, but rather, by Communist sin.

They came from an outer lying galaxy where no grace dwelled, a festering hole where sodomy thrived. And where sodomy thrives, Marxist things shall prosper, as they were ruled by a loathsome behemoth in which they worshiped. They swung chains of rusty metal and drove circles around the American Hedgehog, hogtying him like some sort of hog. Sonic showed no fear, so he pulled Freedom out of his fanny pack and began to play.

"If you're going to act like a bitch, you're going to die like a bitch. It's time to rock the fuck out!" The hedgehog guffawed at their nignorance, and in that moment, he could have sworn he saw the spirit of Abraham Lincoln descend upon him, slicing the fuck out of their foes with his axe. It didn't do anything besides look cool because he was a ghost. As he finished, the sky was showered with meteors of red, white, and blue. The foul creatures scrambled back into the wicked void from which they came, but they would be back. Abe rested his pulsating hand on Sonic's shoulder, staring into the waters of his murky blue eyes.

"Sonic, I am sending a mighty steed to fetch you. He is Freedom-Song, mightiest of the Eagle lords in the Americaverse. Meet me at Liberty 9, my orbiting space station, on the eve of July 4th, the only day in which all seven galaxies are aligned at once," Abe stated honestly with the fervor of ten thousand eagles in heat. Sonic smiled the kind of smile you have when something bad happens and you try to be positive about it anyways as Abraham faded away, looking into the stars to see the steed Abe sent. It was a giant eagle for most, but to Sonic, it was just the right size.