Total Humor Island

Episode 54: 8 year old Chris' Letter to Santa

Dear Santa:

What the fuck's your problem? OK, OK, now, let's get something straight here.

On October 14th of this year, I saw what I wanted: A Nintendo Entertainment System with Super Mario Brothers 3. On November 22nd of this year, I sent you a letter specifying the requested gift.

On December 24th, I went to bed, expecting to find one (1) Nintendo Entertainment System with one (1) copy of Super Mario Brothers 3. I went to bed early, as per our agreement. And before you back sass me, allow me to remind you of the lyrics to that song, and I quote 'He knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you're awake.'

On December 25th, I discovered under my tree the following items: one (1) yo-yo, one (1) bottle of bubble liquid, three (3) pairs of underpants and one (1) Simon game. These are NOT the items I requested.

The fuck? Santa, what the fuck happened here?

Don;t even think of bullshitting me about me being naughty. I've been good all year long! I volunteered at the old folks home! I helped cousin Jerd with school! I was even nice to Aunt Cleotilda! You know how ugly and unpleasent that old cow is? She is NOT pleasant!

Santa, you suck! I ever catch you around my neighborhood, I'm gonna shoot your fat ass with my BB gun! And don't even think about hitting my neighbor's house either, cuz I'm gonna keep an eye out for you! Also, don't forget I got friends in high places! I'm so gonna put the Easter Bunny against you! And when I grow up, I'm gonna become super rich, and then, I'm gonna get the Canadian Government to stop sending jets to escort your fat ugly ass around! And when that happens, I'm gonna get the Libyans to fire a rocket at ya from One Pine Mall's parking lot!

Sincerely:

Chris McLean.

P.S.: The promises made in this letter will be forgotten if you promptly send me a Nintendo Entertainment System alongside a copy of Super Mario Brothers 3. This offer expires come New Years.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!