Chapter 43
Bella convinced him that she would much rather hang out and find something fun to do as opposed to redefining their entire relationship. He relented and did whatever she wanted. He ended up taking her out for the grilled chicken sandwich she was craving. He got into his personal movie collection when they returned and pulled out The Bourne Identity. She had never seen any of those movies. Seth sent her a text saying he loved her and could they please talk soon.
i love you, but need more time
Bella grabbed a hot shower first. She decided to make popcorn while Paul was in the shower next. She ended up tipping the bowl over and spilling a small bit of it when he strolled out of the bathroom wrapped in a navy blue towel.
"What are you doing?"
"Getting ready to watch a movie with you, remember? Do you already have that pregnancy brain thing going on?"
"No, I mean why aren't you wearing any clothes?"
"Because I didn't carry any with me to the bathroom. This is my house, I'm use to walking around undressed."
"But I'm here, can't you be a little more modest?"
"Modest? I thought you knew me by now. I've never been modest even before I was a wolf, sweetheart and I wore the towel, at least." He continued to parade himself around the room, he was looking through a drawer for something to wear obviously, but he was taking his sweet time. She adverted her eyes to a speck on the wall. When she looked back, he was watching her, "Okay, you win, I can see it's too tempting. I'll go get dressed so we can get started."
"Started?" with slight alarm in her voice.
"The movie, hummingbird. Damn, you do have that scatterbrain thing, don't you?"
He soon stepped out of the bathroom again in a pair of gym shorts and a sleeveless t-shirt. They got comfortable on the loveseat and Bella quickly got into the movie. Once Paul stopped hogging all the popcorn and put the bowl down, he threw his arm around her. At first, she was comfy on his shoulder, but eventually her head rested on his chest. He made the suggestion she could lie down in his lap if she promised not to fall asleep.
"No, this is too exciting. I'm not going to fall asleep, I have to see what happens."
"Then we are going to have to watch the other 2 before that happens; it's a trilogy."
"Oh, well I'm not up for an all-nighter, this one will have to satisfy me tonight," she innocently said.
Paul placed a pillow in his lap for her head, "Jeez, hummingbird...kill it with the innuendos, will you. You're distracting me from the movie."
"I...I didn't make any innuendos," she looked up to see his pained expression. She slapped at his chest. "Stop it...you're messing with me." She let her head fall back to the pillow so that she could again pay attention to the movie.
"And there she goes again."
"Quiet, I'm trying to watch this."
After those few minutes of playful banter, they stopped talking and concentrated on the movie again. If the plot hadn't been so exciting she might have very well fallen asleep. Resting against Paul was one of the most comfortable places on earth. He was warm and always knew how to touch her. It was soothing. She was the one that found his hand and brought it across her body so that she felt secure in his hold. She rested her hand over his. He started to rub imaginary lines across her side that ended close to her navel. He soon lifted her tank top so his hand was skin to skin with the swell of her belly. The baby started to kick like always. The movie soon came to a close and they made a plan to watch the next one the following night. Did they both assume she was staying another night? She really hadn't given it any thought.
He still had his hand on her and she struggled to get up because she was finally ready to have some deeper conversation with him.
She sat up and shifted around so that she was facing him.
"Why do you always do that?"
"What, touch your growing stomach? I don't know I'm drawn to it because I know it's part of you."
"I figured that out, but why do you always have to touch me on my bare skin?"
His expression was very serious, they weren't joking around any longer. "You like it that way, don't you?"
"Um..." she paused.
"Honest answers only, hummingbird. It's a deeper connection and the man and the wolf both crave that with you. It makes the time without you more bearable. Does that make more sense? And you like it, I think it has the same affect on you as it does me."
"Yes, I understand what you're talking about and I like it. Your touch feels good...it always has."
"Can I ask you a question now?"
"Sure."
"Why did you come home with me?"
"You didn't give me much choice," she huffed.
"Come on, Bella...no bullshit tonight. You do what you want. Why did you come?"
She chewed on her lip, but he pulled it out because he wanted to hear her say the truth. "I wanted to be with you," she eventually admitted.
"Thanks," he leaned over and kissed her cheek.
"I always want to be with you even though I know that isn't possible. That's where the touch comes into play. It makes it easier, tides me over, but I've been wondering for a few weeks. I guess since that story. What if we gave a little more of ourselves?"
"Paul, I'm married."
"Yes, and even though he deserves to be kicked to the curb, you aren't going to do that because of the baby."
"It isn't just the baby, I love him. We both made mistakes."
"Whatever, but since you're being open and honest, tell me something about the day you were with Jacob."
"Why? I'm not going to talk about that with you."
"I don't want details, please give me some credit. I want you tell me if you regretted it."
"Of course, I did. I cheated on my husband and now I'm pregnant and it might be Jake's. Seth will never be able to forget that if it turns out to be the outcome."
"Remove your guilt, for a second. Don't think about that part...do you regret what happened with Jacob?"
"I...I," she couldn't finish.
"You don't because you love him and that's what people in love do, they express their love for one another physically, emotionally; it doesn't always have to be sex. I think something bigger than any of us is going on and I want to be able to express my love for you without being a creep. I think we should get it out in the open: me, Jake and Seth."
It was official, Paul had lost it. "Are you crazy, what do you intend to do, ask Seth for privileges with me? I need to fix what's broken, not smash it in a million pieces."
"Could you please trust me? I know you have issues with trust, but things are changing. Jacob is different and Seth stopped himself from following the path he was on. I'm not going crazy and I'm not going to go too far."
"Paul, why would you want to put yourself through this? It sounds even more painful." She felt tears well up inside her eyes. "Love is supposed to be happy, why is it always hurting us?"
"I think you already know why. Quit thinking about what everyone else thinks or what you think you should do and start accepting it."
"Accept what?"
"Hummingbird, we love each other. I'm never going to want anyone else."
"But," she wanted to make excuses about how it was some type of deep friendship love and how she wanted him to be with someone that could give all of herself to him. That is what she usually did. Every time she said it, intellectually she meant it; but deep down, she was scared of losing whatever it was that they had. She held both of his hands and stared into his eyes. "Paul, what about your dream, the children you want? You can't further tie yourself to me. No woman is ever going to accept that."
"You know how sometimes I tell you that you're really dense? It's because you are. Those children are yours and mine. There is no mystery Momma out there. I dropped a pretty big hint when I said my daughter was beautiful like her mother."
"I don't see how that will ever be possible."
"Maybe not now, but one day for some reason, it will happen," he insisted. "I thought it was a fantasy my mind was creating and then you had Billy read that story. I finally felt validation for all the ways I had been feeling. We all thought with the Cullen's gone, this pack would soon end, but now the twins have phased and the dreams I have are very vivid. I bet if she was honest, your old witch friend has had some visions too. Something is coming, maybe far off in the future, but we need to start preparing now."
"If what you say is true, there are much stronger women on this reservation and I'm sure they would be proud to bring forth the future pack. Kim is dying to be pregnant. Now Quil is dating. Collin and Brady have started to settle down a little, maybe they'll find their perfect matches. I'm sure Embry dates as well. He's so quite, he hasn't mentioned anyone, but he probably has his pick of the ladies."
"I've been meaning to ask about him. He sure is Mr. Volunteer lately. Has he tried anything out of the ordinary?"
"No, are you serious? See, it proves what you are trying to promote will never work. You're jealous of Embry just because he's nice to me."
"I bite my tongue and try my hardest to put any jealous feelings aside when it pertains to Seth and Jake, but I'm not going to allow any other man to weasel his way in. It's the quiet ones you have to worry about."
"Well, stop worrying. He's a perfect gentleman and a friend. Paul."
"Hmm?"
"I'm not dismissing all that you've said. To be honest, I still don't know what it all means or why these feelings exist between us. I thought the story was beautiful when you imagined your children and I thought about it later. I was actually jealous of that woman, and then I mentally chastised myself for being so selfish. I've always insisted I loved you like a best friend, but when you and are together; I sometimes forget about every other thing going on in the world. I didn't admit that to myself or you, but I do love you."
"I'll take it, hummingbird." She felt the change occur. Something was about to happen that they couldn't take back. He started out slow. He continued to sit there on the loveseat, holding her hands and taking deep breaths as he waited while he watched her. Maybe he was gauging her reaction to the fact he dreamed of their children together.
He seemed totally convinced that would be their reality one day but how would she ever bring that up with Seth. "Oh yeah I'm taking a break from us so Paul can impregnate me."
It didn't seem plausible but she looked deeper into his eyes when he released her hands so that he could explore her. He was seeking that form of touch that he claimed he needed. It really wasn't fair to only categorize it as his need. She realized how antsy she was at times when she'd go for days without seeing him and then as soon as he hugged her those anxious feelings died down. He rubbed up and down her arms, across the small of her back and he was starting to touch her thighs.
She had to speak up. "Paul, I'm supposed to be sorting out my relationship with Seth."
"I know hummingbird, you're vulnerable. I'm not asking for asking for everything. Don't worry, I don't intend to peak in your oven while you're baking another man's cake."
They had been so intense the past 20 minutes, but she could not help giggling after he said that.
"What?" She laughed. "That's hysterical. I wasn't planning on letting you in my oven. Oh my god, Paul. Do you honestly think after all that's on my mind I could even think about sex?"
"Well...give me five minutes over there on my bed and I'm sure I could get the thought to cross your mind."
She held her breath and closed her eyes. He had a gift for seductive behavior. He could go from serious to joking to sensual in a few seconds. It was evident how he'd been a successful ladies man all those years. He could probably charm the pants off a nun or whatever it was that they wore.
He broke the silence, "Oh I stand corrected give me five seconds cuz you're already thinking about it."
"No I'm not."
"Let's go to bed," he tried pulling her arms so they could get up together.
She resisted, "I don't think we should just yet."
"Why? We've slept in the same bed before."
"I know but after all the confessions. I'm not so sure it's wise, tonight."
"Who do you not trust, me or you?"
"Both,"
"Kiss me goodnight." They were still sitting close on the loveseat.
She leaned over to kiss his cheek like she routinely did when they were meeting up or parting ways, but he pulled back a little.
"No, stop" his palm cupped the side of her face. I want us to express our love the way we feel not because anyone else might judge us. I want to feel your lips on mine again. I've thought about it so many times since that night. Maybe stopping us was my biggest mistake."
She took a deep breath and held still. She wasn't brave enough to kiss him like that again, but then again she wasn't strong enough to keep him from trying. If he leaned over a few inches, he'd be there and she wasn't going to stop him. His hand moved to the back of her neck and he kissed her right cheek and then the left. He drug his nose along her jaw after the second peck. He had succeeded. She was puddy in his hands. Truer words were never spoken to him. When they were together, he truly could make her forget the rest of the world. The next second, his warm mouth covered hers. It wasn't full on passion. Instead, their kisses for one another were soft and sweet. It was a testament of their love. She knew they were not going to go too far. Paul was true to his word. He pulled back and she didn't resist standing with him that time. She walked to his bed while he got the lights. He slid under the covers with her and they faced one another.
"Thank you," he told her.
"For kissing you?"
"No, for loving me back."
She wondered if he had ever felt like anyone had ever loved him back. The feeling overwhelmed her. She snuggled up to him and then realized why skin to skin was so important to him. She pulled his shirt halfway up and he took it the rest of the way off. He in turn pulled hers up to her breast but didn't try and pull it all the way off. She placed a kiss to his heart before scooting further up so they could once again express their love for one another. They kissed in the dark for a long time. She had no idea how long. He was satisfied with the kissing and touching. The touching that went on was intimate without being sexual. No one's hands were reaching below the waist band. He didn't even grab a boob once. They were human and she knew they were both turned on enough to do more, but it wasn't like that. Once, when she was rubbing his back and her hand journeyed to his hip, he whispered. "I swear if you touch my junk, all bets are off. I won't give a damn about restraint anymore."
"I...I wasn't, I swear."
That was enough to slow them down again. He held her against his side. They laid there listening to each other's breathing.
"I love you," she whispered.
"I love you too," he kissed her head. "But now I keep thinking about you touching me."
"I told you that isn't what I was going to do."
"Sure..I believe the thought never crossed your mind. We better go to sleep. It's been a couple of hours."
"No, I don't think it's been that long."
"Oh yes, it has. You've been making out with me a good two hours." He tickled her side.
Paul proceeded to give her one more long goodnight kiss. He stopped abruptly and rose up in the bed. "Dammit."
"What?"
"I just heard a damn wolf howl. I have to go."
"Okay, I'll be fine."
"Yeah, I know but I don't want to leave you and I've got a lot of thoughts going through my mind. I don't want them in there."
"You're good with protecting them, I thought."
"Normally yes, but tonight wasn't exactly normal for us."
"I'm going to tell Seth," she added.
"Good, but he doesn't need to see it from me. Shit, there it was again. I have to go." He gave her one last smack on the lips and left. She was left alone to think about it all. It was never a good thing to be alone with her thoughts.
She trusted Paul once he got with the pack, he wouldn't open up his thoughts about her. However, she meant it, she was telling Seth that she and Paul needed more. She didn't know how to word it, but all she knew was showing him and telling him how she truly felt changed her so much that night. It was like all the bubbles of anxiety she carried around popped. The closeness did make her feel better and just like he stated there wasn't any guilt involved. She felt for the first time that she did have enough love for all 3 of them. Paul was easily convinced, since it was his idea in the first place. Now she would have to convince the other two a compromise could be found.
Bella felt the heat from him when he climbed in the bed behind her.
"Hey, is everything alright?" she asked in a gravelly voice.
"Yes, they shifted back."
"Oh, that's great."
"Yeah, we practiced with them. Jake's making them stay one more night with him. Damn, that Trevor is a little shit. He keeps pushing Jake asking why and shit like that. I have a feeling he's going to be a pain in his ass for years to come."
"He'll probably calm down when he realizes Jacob is only doing what's best for him."
"Did you sleep?"
"Yes."
"Good, I might get 2 hours before work."
"Oh, do you have to go?"
"Yes, I'm in charge until Jake gets done on twin watch."
"Okay," she gave him a kiss. "Goodnight, Paul."
He nuzzled into her neck, "I could make it on an hour if you want to...you know."
"No, sleep; growing a human here and I'm exhausted."
Paul placed one final kiss to her shoulder before the two of the succumbed to sleep.
Bella kept busy around Paul's that day. She had heard from him and knew when to expect him, so she got dinner ready. They settled down for the second Bourne movie. It felt like they were a real couple, but it wasn't the first time she had felt that way. When the movie was over, she told him what she had decided.
"Paul, I think I'm going home tomorrow."
"Are you sure? I can go get more of your stuff. I want you to stay longer."
"I start back to work Monday. I need to start talking to Seth again."
He looked down at the floor. She lifted his chin. "I'm sorry, did we make a mistake last night?"
"No, never...I told you I knew you'd go back. I wanted longer, I'll admit that."
They went to bed that night. She gave him a kiss goodnight. He rubbed her stomach, brushed her hair with his hand. They were quiet, but content. It was different from the night before but the same feelings still persisted. She needed him as much as he needed her.
Paul wasn't in as big of a rush the next morning. He told her Jake was going to be in the garage that morning. They had a nice breakfast together. "Are you going as soon as I leave?"
"No, I don't think so. I need to text him, find out his schedule. I might take a little more time here, figure out what I'm going to say. Is that alright?"
"Yes, but let me know if I'm coming home to you or an empty house."
She walked him to the door and kissed and hugged him goodbye.
"Love you, hummingbird."
"I love you. It's not goodbye forever, you know?"
"Yes, I know. It will never be goodbye forever with us."
Bella cleaned up a little. She collected her things and packed them back in her bag. She was just about to send Seth that text or maybe she should call when there was a knock at the door. She went to answer it and was surprised to see her husband standing on the porch.
"Can we talk?"
"Yes, I was just about to call."
"I'm on the way to work, I don't have long, but I wanted to know if we could have dinner or something tonight. I get off at five."
"Seth, I'm packing up to come home."
"You are?" she heard the relief in his voice.
"Yes."
He had kept some distance between them, but after hearing that she was coming back to him, he stepped closer to her. He had walked inside the door. It had been days since she'd laid eyes on him. Their parting words had been tense. He hurt her and disappointed her, but she missed him. Seeing him there confirmed those feelings.
Bella opened her arms to him and he pulled her close against his body. He held her for a few minutes. He stepped back again with a strained look on his face.
"Damn, did you bathe in his scent?"
"Seth, I've been sharing his home."
"And his bed."
"Yes, but it's not like that. I'm not having sex with him."
"Well, gee thanks. The way you said that sounds like you're making a huge sacrifice."
"Seth, I don't want to get into this now. You said you don't have long."
"What's happening Bella? Do you want to be with him now?"
"I don't want to leave you."
"That wasn't exactly an answer to my question."
"I don't know what is happening, but he and I want something a little different. We're all going to have to sit down and talk about it, but first I'm committed to fixing what happened between us."
"So I'm still your priority?"
"Yes."
"Because of the baby?"
"No, that's very important; but I married you before the baby ever existed."
"Under false pretenses."
"I don't see it that way."
Seth shifted his weight back and forth, he looked at her. His eyes traveled to her stomach and he reached out to place his hand there. "Is everything okay with the baby? Are you eating, sleeping, feeling okay? I've been worried about the stress."
"The sleep was hard at first, but I finally caught up."
"You know, I make enough money. I'm worried about everything that has happened up until now. It might be too much of a strain. You don't have to go back to work."
"I want to and it's only 4 months. I need to stay busy."
"Okay," he looked very determined.
"Thanks Seth. I'll see you tonight."
"I mean okay, whatever you need with Paul and Jacob. I'll figure out how to deal with it. I can't lose you."
"Seth, I'm not even sure what I'm asking for yet. We have a lot of time to talk it through. You aren't even agreeing to anything specific."
"I know, but I'm saying I love you enough to do what needs to be done. None of this has been normal from day one, and it's time I stop pretending otherwise."
Seth left her after his declaration. Was he only saying what he thought she wanted to hear? She wasn't even sure what she and Paul wanted. Yes, she enjoyed being free with her affections with him. If they kept it up though, would he need to go a step further? Then there was Jacob. He was where it all began. From that first moment in the airport, he lit a spark inside of her. It was the flame that finally extinguished any feelings she had kept for Edward. He was her healer and her heartbreaker, possibly the father of her unborn child. She wondered what would happen to the other two relationships if she and Jake reconnected.
Someone was at the door again. She thought maybe Seth had come back to tell her forget all he had previously said. It was crazy and he changed his mind again. It was crazy and she wouldn't blame him if that was the case, but when she swung open the door; see gasped to see her visitor, "Jake."
"Hey Bells, I was wondering if you weren't busy; could you take a ride with me? We have a lot to talk about it."
"Sure, let me get my water first. I'm not busy, I'm packed to go home. Would you mind loading my stuff in my car, so I'll be ready to go when we get back?" Jacob did that for her and she got in his car with him. She was going to take a drive with Jacob. She had just been contemplating all the things they needed to discuss when he showed up. He started to drive away from Paul's little house, and then it hit her. Wasn't a drive with Jacob what got her into this entire predicament in the first place?
~Thanks for reading.
A/N I struggled with this one a lot for several reasons. Trying to come to terms that this is sort of a poly story, but actually it's not. I hope to continue to confuse you all as much as I confuse myself. I reached my 600th review from a guest. First, it was an unflattering one that I accidentally (on purpose) deleted, but then I got a super one from a great guest reader. Thanks so much! Don't panic if you don't hear from me for a little while; I really have to get some RL issues sorted out.
