November 1916
It had been a long day, during which Mr. Bates had very obviously been avoiding her. Anna was burning with curiosity to know what he and his wife had talked about that morning. It couldn't have been anything nice, not from the blank, unmoving expression on his face. He hadn't looked like that since he first came, when he didn't know any of them.
She was waiting at the table for him when he came down from undressing his lordship for the night. His steps on the stairs were heavy and slow. He seemed to have aged five years in the course of the day. Anna stood at his approach, prepared to put herself in front of him to force him to speak to her, but it wasn't necessary.
"Come outside," he said hoarsely.
"Of course." She followed him, not noticing that Mrs. Hughes was standing in the doorway of her sitting room, watching them both with sympathy in her eyes.
Once in the courtyard, he looked up at the stars, not speaking. Anna put her hand on his sleeve, feeling the muscles of his upper arm tighten at her touch. "Mr. Bates?" Then, softly, for the first time, she tried, "John?"
He looked down at her, startled. If Anna hadn't already known something was wrong, she would have known it now from the look in his expressive eyes. They were dark, closed off—and no matter what the circumstances, he had never closed his eyes off from her before. She had always been able to see something of what he was thinking and feeling in them.
"Tomorrow morning my wife is coming to fetch me. I will be leaving Downton at that time."
Whatever she had expected him to say, it wasn't that. "What?" she whispered.
"I am leaving Downton with my wife. First thing tomorrow."
The words were hard. Uncompromising. "Leaving Downton? Does … does his lordship know?"
"I've just told him." A spasm of pain cracked the set marble of his face, but only briefly.
Anna's fingers curled into the fabric of his coat sleeve, holding him there, holding herself up. "But—what about me?"
"That was a—" He stopped, taking a deep breath. "I made a—" A muscle worked in his jaw. He pressed his lips together, then finished, "I'm sorry, that can never be." He started walking past her, pulling his sleeve out of her grasp.
She stood there, stunned, feeling as though the breath had been knocked out of her. How could Mr. Bates be going back to that horrible woman, who had already been the cause of his going to jail? Well, Anna wasn't going to give up so easily, whatever he might think. Didn't he know how much she loved him? How much she needed him? What would her life be, without him?
Hurrying after him, she caught his sleeve again, forcing him to turn to look at her. Desperately, she said, "I don't believe it! You say my life is over, and your wife will collect you first thing, and that's it? Have you mentioned this to anyone else?"
He wouldn't meet her eyes. "Only Mr. Carson. And Mrs. Hughes. The others can find out when I've gone." His voice nearly broke on the last word.
He turned again, walking away from her, but this time Anna kept her hold on his arm, keeping pace with him, talking rapidly to try to prevent him from making the worst mistake of both their lives. "I know you've not told me the real reason."
"You're wrong." Now he stopped, looking at her, but he might have been a stranger for all the coldness in his face. "Vera has reminded me that I'm a married man. I must give my vows another chance. I had no right to involve you in my life." He moved again, turning away as he finished the last sentence as though he couldn't face her while he said it. And then she knew, as surely as if she had been a fly on the wall. Vera had something on him, or had threatened to harm Anna somehow. Whatever this was, it was hurting him so deeply he had retreated into the shell he'd hidden in when he first arrived.
"Yes, but you see, that's just what I don't agree with! You had every right." She made him stop again, trying to hold him there, to make him look, really look, at her, to see that she understood better than he thought she did. "I know you. You're doing something gallant here, making a sacrifice for my honour, but I don't want you to." He started to speak, glancing up toward the stars, but she could tell his control was slipping. There was grief in his face now, and Anna thought maybe she might be reaching him. "I don't care! Don't you understand? I don't care what people say. I'd live in sin with you." Mr. Bates started past her again and Anna hurried to keep in front of him. If she could only keep talking, get him to hear what she was saying, to believe she meant it … "If she's threatening to ruin me, then let her! It's nothing to me. The only ruin that I recognize is to be without you." It was her last try; tears were threatening to overwhelm her, and she was losing him. She could see it in the way he wouldn't quite meet her eyes.
"Forget me, and be happy. Please." His voice shook.
"I couldn't! Not ever." Didn't he understand? She loved him in a way that only comes 'round once in a lifetime. He was everything to her. How could he think she could ever be happy when half of her heart, half of her soul, was missing?
He was looking at her now, but she had lost. He had control of himself again. "You should. And you must. I am nothing."
This time when he went by, she couldn't follow him. She couldn't move. She could barely stand for the grief that filled her. Much as she wanted to run after him, to beg and plead and try to make him tell her why he was doing this, she had no more strength to do it. Tears took her.
