Characters belong to Shonda. The rest is mine.


Chapter Fifty-Three


ELIZA'S POV


I hate this. The silent treatment. The uncertainty. I know Arizona is there for me whatever I decide, but I hate knowing that she has spent the past few nights lying awake thinking things over. She hasn't told me about it, but I know she has. I know she has tossed and turned and it worries me. She doesn't need this. She doesn't need the added stress, not when she is about to start her new book. She should be sleeping soundly beside me, but she's not. She's not, and I don't know how to fix this. I don't know what I can do to make this better for us. I'm not sure she realises that she has been a little quiet over the weekend or the beginning of this week, but she has...and I've noticed. I've noticed how she disappears whilst she's in the room. I've noticed how she stares at the tv but isn't actually watching it. I've noticed how she pushes her food around her plate...and that isn't her. None of those things are her. Like, do I bring it up with her? Do I call her out on her behaviour? Will it only make things worse? God, I hate this. I hate not knowing what is going on in that beautiful head of hers. I just hate everything that this guy has created between us. My girlfriend has been absolutely amazing throughout all of this, but I know she is really struggling now. Especially since I'm due back at work tonight. Especially since she doesn't want me to go.

I have to, though. I have to get back into my career and be the best I can possibly be. It's me. It's all I know. I was born to dance, and no guy is going to get in the way of that. None of them. I just want to feel like me again. I want to put on that makeup and feel how I used to feel. Desired. Wanted by those that know they can't have me. Dance. God, I love to dance. I've always loved to dance. Since I was a teenager. I mean, I'm the best there is...and I have to remember that. It's important that I remember that. It's a part of me. Arizona understands that, at least…I hope she does.

She made a comment the other day about how she never really liked me being at the club, and it's been playing on my mind ever since. I mean, she told me she was okay with it. She told me she was fine with my career. I hate that she hasn't been honest with me, but I'm in too deep to back out now. I'm in too deep to let her go and do the right thing. Sure, we can fix this, but what if we can't? What if me going back to the club after what happened is a step too far for her? Am I supposed to walk away? Am I supposed to allow her to get on with her life and go on with my own? It doesn't feel that way. It doesn't feel like that is supposed to be the answer. It feels like we are supposed to talk this out. You know, understand each other's point of view? I'm just not sure she wants that right now. I can see the tiredness in her eyes. I can see the heaviness in her shoulders as she wakes each morning. I don't like seeing her like that, but I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. I can't change who I am, and I'm not sure I can talk her round. The truth? I feel like she is going to leave me.

I feel like she is going to do what everyone before her has done, and I'm not sure I could bear it. I've never been so close to anyone else, and I've never been in love with anyone else. At least, not like I am with Arizona. I mean, I'm preparing to propose to her. I'm getting myself psyched up to spend the rest of my life with my girlfriend. How could I ever possibly walk away from her? Maybe that's what she will do, though. Maybe I will come home one night and she isn't here. Maybe I'll come home and she has changed the locks. What would I do with that? I'd probably crumble and die on the porch, but I don't know. I can't possibly say how I'd feel if she asked me to leave. It would break my heart, though. I know that much.

Straightening myself out as I take the stairs slowly, my girlfriend is sitting on the couch and once again, the TV is on, but she isn't watching it. I know she isn't when she tugs at her sleeves. When she toys with her hands. I know when she is in another world, and right now is one of those times. Approaching her from behind, I clear my throat and she doesn't move from her spot. She is so engrossed in her own thoughts that she hasn't even realized I'm here. "Arizona?" I catch her attention.

"Hey…" She gives me a small smile as she toys with a piece of her hair. "You okay?"

"Yeah, uh…I'm going to call a cab and head to the club."

"I'll drive you." She stands and fixes her sweater on her shoulders a little. "Just let me lock up and grab my keys."

"You don't have to do that." I give her a sad smile. "I'll be okay."

"I'm driving you." Her tone a little cold, I decide it's best not to argue with her right now. She's in one of those moods, and I don't feel much like fighting if I can help it. It really wasn't in my plans today. "Do you have everything you need?"

"I do." Sighing, I move towards the door and pull it open, fixing my purse on my shoulder. "Arizona, I really don't need you to drive me. It's late and you should be settling down for the night."

"If I want to drive you, I will." Motioning for me to head out to the car, I roll my eyes when she isn't looking and I'm not sure I want to be in the car with her right now. I know I'm going to feel cornered, and I don't like that idea. I don't like being unable to take myself out of the situation. "Come on…" Her car beeps and I open the door. Slipping inside, I buckle up and she fires up the engine. Pulling out of the drive, I can see her jaw is clenched and I don't want her to feel that way.

"Arizona?" I sigh. "Are we okay?"

"Why wouldn't we be?" She furrows her brow, her eyes fixed on the road ahead.

"Because you've been distant." I shrug. "And you look mad…"

"I'm not mad." She states. "I have no reason to be mad. You know what you're doing, right?"

"Well, yeah…but you still seem mad."

"Well, I'm not."

"O...kay." I draw out. "Could have fooled me."

"I don't like what you are doing, but it's none of my business." Her hands gripping the wheel tighter, I know she is having a dig. I don't know why, but she is. "I don't understand, as you said."

"That isn't what I meant." I shake my head. "I just…I need to get back into things. I have to get back into things."

"Sure." She gives me a sarcastic smile. "I get that."

"But do you?" I ask. "Do you realize that this is me and you have to take me how I am?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" She furrows her brow.

"Is this it for us?" I sigh. "Is this where we end? Because of what's happened? Because you've realized this is too much for you? I always knew the day would come, but I hoped it never would…" The car screeching to a halt at the side of the road, she cuts the engine and simply stares at me. "I know this isn't the life you want, Arizona, but I thought you were okay with this. You told me you were. You always have. I just…I feel like we're drifting apart and I don't know how to fix it."

"Y-You think I'd leave you?" She gives me an incredulous look. "You think I don't want to be with you anymore?"

"Honestly, I don't know…" I admit. "You've been so distant since I said I was going back to work, and you told me that you didn't like me working at the club."

"But you think I'd leave you because of it?"

"Sometimes, yeah." It's how I've felt lately. Maybe I'm just feeling a little insecure, but yeah…I feel like we're ending. "Like, you haven't wanted to be near me. Even in bed, I wake in the morning and you are as far away as possible."

"I haven't been sleeping." She admits.

"I know. I've laid awake watching you." I give her a sad smile.

"Oh." She drops her gaze, her tone painfully low. "I'm not leaving you, Eliza."

"Are you sure? Because that's how it feels this past week." I take her hand in my own. "I know this is how it always goes. I know that it becomes too much for people. Sure, this is something I didn't see coming, but if you are going to leave me, Arizona…I need to know. I need to know so I can prepare myself."

"I'm not leaving you." She squeezes my hand tight. "I'm just struggling, is all."

"But I don't want you to struggle." I run my thumb over her knuckles. "I just want us to be okay like we were before the attack. We were so good then, and I don't want the lake house to be a band-aid for our problems."

"It's not." She shakes her head. "Our new home is a new start for us."

"Then can we just be us?" I ask, my eyebrow slightly raised. "Can you please not worry and focus on the good in our lives?"

"I'm trying." She breathes out. "It's just hard, you know?"

"I know, but I'm going to be okay. We are going to be amazing."

"How do you know?" She asks. "How can you be so certain that we are going to be amazing?"

"Because I love you, and that's all that matters in all of this...because we are us and we are made for each other."

"I'm sorry if I've been avoiding you." She leans in a little closer. "I'm just scared, okay?"

"I get that, but I need you to not be scared." I press my lips to her own. "I need you to just be you…because I'm coming home to you tonight in one piece, and I'm going to hold to until the sun comes up."

"Promise?" Her voice breaks. "Promise you'll come home in one piece?"

"I promise." Smiling against her mouth, she rests her forehead against my own and sighs. "Hey, look at me…" Curling my fingers beneath her chin, her eyes lift a little and she finds my own. "I love you, and I will come home perfectly fine."

"Okay." She sighs. "Then I should get you to work, I guess."


Wow, that shift went better than I imagined. It took a few hours before the boss allowed any clients to book me for private dances, and he checked them all out before doing so. I enjoyed my first night back, but it doesn't feel the same. It doesn't feel as pleasant as it used to. Sure, some people see me as dancing naked for creepy guys, and sometimes, women, but it really isn't like that for me. I enjoy doing what I do. I enjoy the dancing and the thrill people get from me doing what I love. Sure, some of them get a little aroused but they know there is a limit. They know that I'm purely here for the show. Maybe that's the mystery of it all. Maybe the idea of being able to look but not touch is what they love. I know some people will never change their opinions of me, but those people don't matter. They don't matter because they only bring negativity into my life, and I've had enough of that to last me a lifetime. I really have.

Shrugging on my jacket, I head out of my private room and towards the front of the club. Paul is waiting for me near the entrance and I know he is wanting to know how my shift went. I won't lie, it wasn't how it used to feel, but he has looked after me, and I want him to know that. I want him to know that I appreciate the fact that he gave me a little time to get used to things again and he didn't overbook me like he sometimes does. "Hey…" Shrugging my purse up onto my shoulder, he pulls me into a hug and I relax my body a little. "Paul, I'm fine."

"I know, but I just wanted to check." He pulls back and gives me a small smile. "I don't want to lose you, Eliza."

"And you won't." I agree. "I just need to ease myself back in. I'll be good to go in no time at all."

"What does your girl think about all of this?" He raises his eyebrow.

"Honestly…she hates it." I sigh. "I can't blame her, though. I mean, I was attacked where I work so yeah, she has every right to hate it."

"She called." He admits. "Six times."

"She did?" I furrow my brow. "She didn't contact me."

"No, she didn't want to bother you." He smiles. "She's a good one. Don't let her go, okay?"

"What did she say when she called?"

"She was just checking in, is all." He shrugs. "Like partners do, I guess."

"She's perfect." I sigh. "I just need to fix all of this with her."

"You guys will figure it out in your own time." He squeezes my shoulder. "You should get going before she is calling again."

"Yeah, she just worries." I smile. "I'll see you at the weekend, okay?"

"No." He shakes his head. "Just the quieter midweek shifts are good enough right now, Eliza."

"Y-You're sure?" I ask. "You don't need me at the weekend?"

"I do, but I want you to take your time. Like you said, you have to ease yourself back into this. Besides, your girl will kick my ass if I keep you here too long."

"Yeah, she actually probably will." I laugh. "I'll see you next Wednesday then, Paul. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Eliza." Heading for the exit of the club, I pull my cell out and scroll through my contacts. Bringing up the number for a local cab firm, I'm about to hit call but a horn stops me. Glancing up, I find my girlfriend behind the wheel of her car across the street and it makes my heart swell.

Crossing the street, my smile widens and I open the door. "How long have you been waiting?"

"Since you went inside five hours ago." Her eyes a little heavy, I slip into my seat and turn to face her. "How was it?"

"It was fine, but you've really been here all this time?"

"Mm…" She nods, her eyes flickering slightly. "Just in case."

"In case what?" I furrow my brow.

"In case you needed me."

"You could have come inside. Paul would have fixed you up some coffee." Taking her hand in my own, her eyes close and I lean in, placing a kiss below her ear. "But thank you for doing this."

"I had to be sure you were okay." She sighs. "Are you?"

"I'm okay." I settle into my seat a little better. "But you really should be home and sleeping. It's 2 am, Arizona."

"I couldn't, so I didn't even bother to try." She laughs. "You ready to get out of here?"

"More than ready." I rest my head back against my seat. "I want to get home and snuggle with you."

"Sounds perfect." She smiles. "I'm happy you did okay tonight." Pulling away from the sidewalk, she rests her hand on the console between us and my own instantly finds it. "I love you, Eliza…and I'm not going anywhere. Not now. Not ever."

"I love you, too." I bring her hand up to my mouth and place a soft kiss on her skin. "More than you could imagine."

"We just have to do us, right?" She glances my way and gives me a slight smile. "Just like you said…"

"That's exactly what we need to do." I agree. "It's the only thing that makes me feel normal. You. You are my normal, Arizona."

"Then I will try, okay?" She nods. "I'll try to get on board with this…again. I can't promise that it will always be good, but I promise to try."

"That is good enough for me." I agree. "I just want us to be happy." Rounding the corner, we take the open road and I relax in my seat. "You know…if I had to choose?"

"Choose what?" She asks.

"If I had to choose between you and dancing…"

"Oh, I wouldn't ever expect you to choose." She shakes her head a little.

"I'd totally choose you every time…"

"Yeah?" The car slows a little and she glances my way, her eyes shining against the moonlight. "You mean that?"

"Every. Single. Time." I nod. "I don't even have to think about it."

"Wow…" She breathes out. "I didn't think I was that important in all of this."

"You are the most important thing in my life, and you always will be."

"God, I love you so much, Eliza." Squeezing my hand tight, a silence falls between us but that's okay. It's okay because it's normal. The quiet is sometimes good for us both. It helps us to process what has been said. Whatever truths have been revealed. It's the norm for us, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I wouldn't have it any other way because I'm about to sleep in this woman's arms all night long, and that is more important than any job or career I could ever have.


Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.