Hi everyone! I just wanted to thank you all for your support and your reviews. I have to confess I'm very surprised to see new reviewers after so many chapters. So thank you very much! It's really a pleasure to discover that new people want to read my fic! I hope you will like it as much as I like writing it. Enjoy!
Powerless
Alexandra watched Maddy, Mark and Damon go back in the bar and a sob escaped her mouth. She clamped both her hands on her mouth to stop the sound. She looked down at her feet and tried to conceal the tears, but it was no use. All she could do was hope that she would not start wailing. She knelt down, trying to control herself. Alexandra felt weak. She had cried so many times in only two days and she had not been able to be a pain in the ass like she had sworn to be. She was definitely not good at being upset and rancorous.
Being back here was bringing back so many memories, so many feelings, it was very difficult for her to be herself. She was already tired, her mind was rushing and running. She could feel she was falling apart. She needed to slow down and breathe. She needed to calm down and think, to remember her plan. Time was playing against her and she wished she could stop it. She was getting nowhere acting like that. Her head and her heart were colliding and disagreeing. She had to decide what to do, she couldn't stay like this. She was trying to appear like she had got it all together, but it was a lie. She was a mess inside. Maybe she should let everything go. Maybe she should give them all a chance. Even if she felt she was not ready for it, maybe she should try harder.
"You're gonna make your mascara run down your face," a voice mocked her. Alexandra looked up and saw Lucas standing in front of her. His tone was teasing, but his face was concerned.
"Ah perfect, you were the one thing that was missing to make this moment unforgettable," she said ironically. "What do you want my not friend?"
"Crying doesn't help anything, try your luck with violent mood swings," he taunted her.
"Like it helped you a lot in the past."
"I won't complain about it," he smirked.
"Yeah right," she sneered.
"You're doing all of this in vain."
"What?"
"Trying to be someone else won't help you."
"How do you know?"
"I know."
"Of course, you know everything. I almost forgot you are a genius," she said in a caustic tone. "It's very smart of you to become friends with Thomas by the way. He's so… trustful," she mocked with disdain.
"Well, it turned out that he and I have many things in common," he replied seriously.
"Like sharing an unconditional passion for being on the wrong side?" she guessed.
"Like working for your father and being betrayed by him, like hurting you and lying to you, like being evil and trying to change."
"Oh, those kind of things… I guess it creates a special bond," she mocked.
"Wow sarcasm! That´s original! Why are you trying to be so mean?" He smiled, enjoying the way she was trying to make him go away.
"I don't know, maybe that's just who I am."
"Oh come on. I came here to see Alexandra Paris, not a pale imitation of her."
"Sorry to disappoint you again," she said sarcastically.
"That's just pathetic."
"Leave me alone."
"I don't think so."
"Have you already forgotten you asked me to go away a minute ago?"
"Have I?" He smiled.
"What do you want?" She asked him seriously.
"Why have you forgiven them all and not me?"
"I don't understand."
"You seem okay with everyone now. Still, you're pushing me away. You fog things up. Always have. You spin me about but then drop me off."
"I don't spin you!" she answered, stunned. "I've forgiven you. I told you."
"Then why are you so distant?"
"I'm not… I'm not distant," she shrugged. Lucas couldn't know he was the only one she felt right with, the only one she had acted freely with since she had arrived. But also the only one she couldn't be with.
"Then why do I have the feeling that you are avoiding me?"
"I'm very busy. Unless you haven't noticed, this is my party," she gestured in the bar's direction.
"Why am I struggling to talk to you?"
"Maybe because each time I try to talk to you you're harsh, like I'm nothing," she snarled through gritted teeth.
"You started it."
"Here you go again, complaining. I did nothing," she sighed with annoyance.
"It's like you're still punishing me."
Alexandra was confused by his statement but realized he was right. Why was forgiving him more difficult than forgiving the others? She already knew why but didn't want to think about it. She had believed in him so much that it had hurt her a lot more when he had abandoned her. It only made it clearer how deep her feelings for him were. And it was still too painful for her. Yet, she was the one who had told him they could be friends. Had she become that heartless that she couldn't even be friendly with him? But he had told her he didn't want it. He was the one who had refused her friendship, not her.
"You said you didn't want to be my friend," she muttered.
"I…" His voice trailed off. She stared at him, waiting for an answer.
"See," she whispered sadly when he didn't say a word. "You're not making sense. You accuse me of punishing you, avoiding you, and when I give you the opportunity to be my friend, you just refuse."
"Forget it." He shook his head in despair.
"Why? Because I'm too numb to understand?"
"No, because obviously you can't see that we can't be friends," he snapped before leaving her. Lucas was really cross that Alexandra couldn't see why they couldn't be friends. It was ridiculous. How could he be friends with someone he cared so much about? It was a permanent temptation. He'd rather stay away from her or ignore her than be close with her but not enough to satisfy his needs.
"Lucas," she stopped him. "Why are you doing this? We don't have to fight. Why can't you just give it a break? You'll feel better if you'd just let it go."
Lucas shook his head in disgust. He couldn't believe what she had just said. How could he simply let it go? Every time he was with her, he struggled to think straight, he was not smart anymore. He had always felt confident, but she would always succeed in disconcerting him. He was a genius, how could she affect him so much? Right now, he hated her for that, he wanted to be whole again, to be the smart arrogant bastard he was known for. She was his weakness, there was no doubt about it, and he couldn't control this feeling. This was upsetting him a lot more than he wished.
"When I met Skye, I felt weak for having feelings for her and I was right because I ended up getting shot twice," he started to explain. "Feelings make you weaker. When you arrived I made the same mistake only because you promised me you would never leave. I never asked for you to come into my life and to turn it upside down ! I was perfectly fine without you! I liked being a villain that nobody loved! I was me! It pleased me to be hated by the one I despised the most!" His voice was slowly turning into a shout. "Because of you I feel again and it sucks! I'm not myself anymore because of you, and you want me to forget you! How dare you ask me that? I have not accepted so much for you to let you go."
His revelation was like a shock for her. He was more human thanks to her, but he was suffering because of her. Had she been selfish up to this point that she had not seen the impact she had on him? Being more human was supposed to be positive, not the reverse. For Alexandra, being evil was the easy way out, it required much more effort to try to be nice, to understand the others and take care of the others.
But Lucas was not like that when she had met him, he had had no heart, no soul, he was hurt and betrayed. He hated everything and everyone that surrounded him. His life was driven by his hatred for his father, his revenge on Skye and his will for success. Of course, he had been angry with her and sometimes he had scared her a bit, but it was only at the beginning, when she didn't know him well. And even then, he had never been violent with her, even if she had seen how mad he could be, he had never raised his hand on her. He had never been like this with her, he had never been the wild man people warned her about.
Why? She had never done anything for that kindness, she had never asked him to change. She was sure he had done it willingly. How could she be responsible for his new behavior? Actually, if he had never left her in the first place, Mira would have never tortured her, she would probably just be fighting on the side of the Sixers today. Taylor and Terra Nova would have been her enemies. Once again, he was making her feel guilty and she didn't like it. Her overtiredness didn't help her to stay calm and surely led her to what she said next.
"You made your own choices, Lucas. I'm not the one to blame if you're a wimp now," she insulted him, making his face become even darker than it was.
"Yeah right, I almost forgot. You're the heartless one now. How does it feel? It's good isn't it?" He mocked her.
"There are no words to explain how great this is," she spat angrily with a smirk on her face.
"Well, I can assure you that you're never gonna be as good as me at this tricky game," he promised her, an arrogant smirk appearing on his face.
"Don't make promises you can't keep," she taunted him sardonically.
"Oh, I'm sure I can keep this one," he grinned, approaching her. "You won't beat your master at this game."
She held his stare with difficulty until he walked back inside, leaving her alone at the door. Alexandra was surprised to realize how feelings could turn her world upside down. The year spent with her father had been easy in comparison. Here, even with the threat of a war coming up, all of her thoughts were turned to everyone's feelings. Life - that was life. She had her life back, but it came with many inconveniences.
She breathed deeply and it took all the courage she had left to not run away from the bar and hide somewhere. She was going to be strong and honor her friends' present. When she came back inside, a song started to play and a smile appeared on her face.
'I want you to want me. I need you to need me. I'd love you to love me. I'm beggin' you to beg me.'
Maddy literally jumped on Alexandra.
"This is for you!" She smiled happily, bouncing in excitement.
"You're mad!" Alexandra grinned. And this time, for the first time since she had come back, she gave her an honest, happy smile. She really liked Maddy as much as a sister and this song was just the right one to lighten her mood.
'I'll shine up my old brown shoes. Put on a brand new shirt. Get home early from work. If you say that you love me…'
"Come on!" She said, taking her hand in hers and leading them in the middle of the bar. Everybody seemed to move away to leave them some space to dance.
"Didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'. Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'. Feeling all alone without a friend you know you feel like dying !"
"Maddy…" Alexandra sighed, stopping her.
"Remember what you are, not who you are!" She reminded her.
Alexandra couldn't resist Maddy's spontaneity and started to dance with her, bouncing, screaming the lyrics to the song. They were both out of control, like crazy teenagers. But they didn't care, they used to do that before to get rid of the stress. It seemed like ages for Alexandra since she had so much fun.
Mark was standing at the bar next to Lucas, beaming. He was proud of Maddy, that was obvious. What Mark loved the most about her was her energy and positive attitude. Maddy knew how to be serious and how to be crazy.
"She's mad," Lucas said to Mark. "Your girl is mad." But the smirk on his face was telling Mark that it was not an insult at all.
"I know," Mark laughed. "I like it! She feels no shame at all!" And then he left him to join the girls. He gave Alexandra a friendly kiss on the cheek and made Maddy spin around to dance with him.
That was when Damon decided to take the opportunity to be with Alexandra. He came up next to her and held his hand open, a questioning look on his face. She hesitated for few seconds, but slowly put her hand in his. His heart hammered in his chest when her skin touched his. She was allowing him to be with her. He sighed in relief and she rolled her eyes at his expression. She shook her head, smiling.
"Shall we?" She said, stepping closer to him.
"Sure," he grinned before pushing her away, making her spin and then pulling her back into his arms. Their faces were inches from each other and suddenly their closeness made Alexandra's heart race quicker. Damon didn't give her the time to analyze what was happening and started to dance with her again. It was almost like before. Except that this time Alexandra was well aware that Damon wanted her more than when he had first danced with her at Boylan's on their first meeting. But so far, she didn't mind giving him what he wanted. She was having a good time and having him smile to her was helping her appreciate this party. Unlike Lucas, Damon was always in a good mood and that was exactly what she needed to enjoy this night.
