Numb (Elena)

The sudden jarring as my car left the road with one tire and rushed over the grass at the road shoulder let me recoil and suddenly rouse back from my thoughts. My eyes started to pay attention to the road again instead of staring blankly into the nothingness as I tried to get the car to a stop. My hands which clasped the steering wheel so tightly that they were already numb were still trembling hard, letting the steering wheel vibrate. I breathed out deeply then I let my head drop onto the leather.

Numb ... not only my hands felt numb but my entire body. My heart had been ripped out and all I could feel now was the dull echoing of a heart beat which no longer existed.

No ... this couldn't be true, this could only be a bad nightmare. In a few seconds I would wake up and find myself lying in my bed. Everything would be alright again. Everything would be alright again …

I closed my eyes and waited to be drawn back to reality and out of this hell. I waited minute over minute but nothing happened. A sad laughter left me lips. It would have been too good to be true ... but the shivering still running through my entire body was too exhausting; the tears which were still running silently down my cheeks, soaking my shirt too familiar and the pain tearing me apart too real, too unbearable to be only a prank of my imagination.

You were wrong, Damon. You were so wrong ...

"Do you really think he loved her?"

Damon's words echoed over and over again in my ears.

"Stefan is not stupid. He knows how valuable you are."

Oh Damon, why did you convince me that he only loved me? Why did you convince me that Katherine never meant anything to him, that she only compelled his love? It was a lie and you knew that. Stefan had lied; all the time. I didn't know if he had truly been aware of his love for Katherine or if he had just suppressed his real feelings for her; making himself and everyone else believe Katherine had compelled him, that he'd never had true and deep feelings for her.

The irony was … everyone had known it. Everyone had known the truth.

I had assumed it all the time, I had seen it, I had felt it … the way he had looked at her; the way he had changed whenever she had been around … anger, fury because she had brought back the feelings to the surface he had buried so deep and save in the furthermost corner of his heart. And now, now Katherine had finally reached her goal. He had given in; finally he had given in to his feelings. He had loved her and he still did ... and I, I sit here ... lost, alone, numb ... dumped. The substitute had been dumped ... because he finally had the woman back he really loved. Maybe Katherine had been right all the time; maybe I had really been not more than a cheap substitute; someone he fell in love with just because she looked exactly like the woman he really and truly loved ... I swallowed.

The images of the scene I just had to watch flickered in front of my eyes. I had seen such a scene so many times already, but every time I had been the woman in front of him. Unintentionally images of Stefan and me rushed by ... and the comparison was devastating. The way he had looked into her eyes while he had lowered his lips to hers; the unbelievable love in his eyes, pure and true; the way his lips had touched hers, brushing them, soft, electrifying; the way he had kissed her, lovingly, passionately; the way his hands had run through her hair, stroking it gently. His love for her had been visible, sensible in every motion ... a love which had started more than 145 years ago and lasted until now ...

The tears were constantly running down my cheeks now, dripping onto the steering wheel and my shirt.

What shall I do now? Where shall I go?

I hadn't paid any attention to where I had been driving, until now it had been an automatic process. I had seen the street, I had chosen a way but my mind had done all these actions automatically. It had been too busy with the thoughts that had been and were still swirling in mind; too busy holding the body functions up and not to let it collapse.

When I lifted my head from the steering wheel my view was blurred from tears. I wiped them away until I could see clearly again and gasped. I recognized immediately where I was. Unintentionally I had chosen the way to the Salvatore Mansion ... to Damon. No, I hadn't chosen the way, my mind hadn't chosen the way but the part of me I thought would be completely dead by now had decided for me; had decided what was the only thing that could save it, save me, right now ... Damon.

The last time, since I had left the tomb I hadn't felt it any more, my heart beat. But now, thinking of him, of Damon, let it revive. It was still so silent, so weak that one could believe it wouldn't be there at all but it was there and I could feel it. I could feel the pain, the aching when the beat let my heart expand; the numb, lifeless feeling was gone.

I knew where I had to go now, where I could go now and my heart had known it from the very beginning, leading me on the right way. I didn't know why; maybe because of our ... special connection? The connection I had felt already since the very beginning, since the very first time when I had turned around and he had stood in front of me.

The connection which had been so obvious, so clear in some moments ... like when we had sat in the rain after I'd had the accident, when we had danced at the Miss Mystic Falls Ball or when we had talked on the bench at the lake at the masquerade ball or when he had looked into my eyes so many times.

And of course there had been moments when this connection had been nearly invisible, nearly been destroyed ... like when he had killed my brother, like when he had shut me out after the masquerade ball.

Nevertheless everything he had done, nevertheless everything I had done, our connection had always been there. The bond that bound us, had even grown stronger, had become more unbreakable in these bad moments.

The problem was, did I even have the right to go to him? I swallowed. I had always been able to come to him when I'd had a problem, he had always been there, listening to me – no matter what ... even if I had talked about Stefan, even if I had been crying because of Stefan, even if I had needed someone to tell me that Stefan only loved me. He had always offered me his shoulder ... although I knew that there was more than just ... friendship between us ... from ... his side; although I knew his heart so well.

So did I have a right to go to him now? After all I'd done to him ... in the past and the last days? I had never paid any attention to his feelings, I had always been thinking only about myself ... arrogantly, selfishly. Yesterday I'd had nothing better to do than fighting with him, blaming him for letting Stefan get imprisoned in the tomb with Katherine. And today; today I had accused him not to spend a single thought of Stefan, only to want to have fun with Rose. I had accused him that he preferred to have fun with a woman he might ... care about, instead of helping me getting the man back I loved.

Who the hell could blame him – if it would really have been like this? And it hadn't even been! He hadn't had fun with Rose. Instead, he had spend the entire morning trying to find a way to get Stefan back. He had tried to help me, the woman he probably cared about the most, so I could be together again with Stefan and that after all I had done to him yesterday ... not paying any attention to his own feelings.

I was so stupid, so stubborn, so selfish and so unbelievable idiotic. No, I had no right to go to him and use him as my comforter. Not after everything I had done to him the last days, not after everything I had done to him whenever I had cried about Stefan.

But who else should I talk to? To whom else should I go? Bonnie? Bonnie who had still a very strained relationship to vampires? What could I expect when I tell her that Stefan cheated on me with Katherine? Of course she would be there for me, as she always had been but she wouldn't be able to hide the expression which would say "I told you".

And Caroline? She was indeed a wonderful friend but she had so many problems on her own right now. And coming to her with boyfriend problems after her break-up with Matt ...

And actually these were all excuses. If I would want to go to them, they would be there for me, no matter what. The problem was, nobody of them, although I knew them my whole life, knew me as good as Damon did. He knew me like nobody else.

I deeply breathed in and out. I would go to him. But not to use him, no I wouldn't use him as my comforter. I would go to him to apologize for my behavior yesterday and in the morning. I wouldn't cry, nor show him any sign that something had happened, that something was wrong. I would just go to him and maybe ... maybe even the very sight of him would help me to calm down ... his voice ... the look in his eyes ...

My hand turned the key in the ignition around and the engine started again. I wiped the last wet tracks on my cheeks away and jumped on the gas pedal.


When I arrived at the Salvatore Mansion and walked towards the door my heart was beating so fast that I thought I would get a heart attack every moment.

What when I find him together with Rose? What if he doesn't want to listen to me? What if ...?

I had my hand already on the door handle but I hesitated to press it down. I breathed in and out deeply one last time, then I entered the house. It was completely dark in the entrance hall and I could only make out a glimpse of light from upstairs. Probably from Damon's bedroom.

"Damon?" I asked, in a voice that was barely more than a whisper, but I didn't get an answer. "Damon?" I tried it once more, this time louder but still there was no sound audible from upstairs.

Slowly I leaned against the wall of the entrance hall. He didn't want to see me. I was completely alone now. I finally managed to lose the person I never, under any circumstances, wanted to lose without even knowing it, realizing it ...

Tears had already started to build up in my eyes when suddenly the light in the entrance hall went on and I heard footsteps on the stairs coming down.

"Elena?" Damon asked surprised. "What are you ... what happened?"

His voice and face expression which had been slightly angry and irritated suddenly became worried. Only in this moment I realized how pathetic I had to look like. My jeans were covered with dirt, my hands with dried tracks of blood and my face over and over with black and red tracks ... from when I stumbled out of the tomb ... after I saw ... Stefan ... kissing ... Katherine ...

I couldn't suppress that the images flashed in front of my eyes again, crashing down on me, destroying every promise I had made to myself. Forgotten was that I had planned only to apologize for my behavior, to stay calm and show no sign that something was wrong, forgotten was that I didn't want to give him the feeling that I just used him as my comforter. When the images of Katherine and Stefan came crashing down on me and I saw him standing there on the staircase I couldn't bear it any longer. I couldn't hold back the tears that had already started to build up in my eyes any longer and all the self restraint, I had brought up to come here, collapsed.

"Katherine ... Stefan ...", I sobbed helplessly, not able to create a complete sentence.

I looked to the ground, not daring to look Damon in the face. But Damon didn't say a word. When the silence became unbearable I slowly lifted my head to face him again – and I had to suppress a gasp. The glimpse of worry I had seen in his eyes and heard in his voice was completely gone. Instead his face had turned to stone, his expression had become fathomless and his voice was ice cold when he went on.

"What are you doing here, Elena?"

"I ... I thought that ...", I stammered.

"What Elena? What? You thought that I can help you? I am sorry, I can't!" He said in a voice that send cold shivers down my spine.

Then he turned around and was about to go upstairs again.

"Damon ...", I whispered, my voice tearful.

"What the hell do you want me to do now?" He screamed as he swirled around again.

"Maybe take me into your arms?" I screamed back as the tears ran down my cheeks relentlessly.

I couldn't stand this any longer. If I had to look into his face only one second longer, into these ice blue eyes that showed no sympathy, no pity, nothing ... I would die. Immediately I turned around, wrenched the door open and stumbled into the cold darkness.