Meh, not a very long mission today folks. Partially because the Muse is experimenting with shorter missions, and partially because well, she just doen't enjoy Valentine's Day in general, except for the candy. (I do appologize for the day late mission. My computer was being wonky about letting me upload stuff to document manager). So, while she spends today working on more fun missions for ya'll, enjoy this pleasant little mischief mission. ;)
Mission Fifty Two - Operation Valentine
As all good little Turks knew, there were just some things one did not do on the one day of the year where all men were smitten with the impossible task of pleasing members of the opposite sex all in the hopes of asserting their manliness in front of the other jealous males, in hopes that they would eventually receive the impromptu invite for coffee and 'other' activities initiated by said females in question.
It was like standing at some freakish ritualistic cross between some sort of tribal counsel and the Bachelorette, mixed a little with the Chainsaw Massacre for added flair.
All Rude knew, was that he was seeing something that would go down in history as quite possibly, the most Youtubeable moment Shinra was every going to see.
"Yo, big guy. Give me a hand here." Reno struggled to pick the lock to the locker while balanced precariously atop the bald Turk's shoulders, face wrapped in gauze where he had been mauled by a 'helpless' demon kitten. Rude grunted in response.
"This is not a good idea."
"Enough with the psychic stuff yo. I know what I'm doing." He wiggled the piece of metal several times until he received a satisfied click and the tiny metal door swung open. Rude merely sighed.
"You do realize that this is equivalent to raiding a woman's purse right?" Again, a rather dire warning that no Turk ever ignored. From what they had heard of the legends passed down by Veld to Tseng, and then to themselves, a woman's purse was a sacred temple with a strict, 'No men' admittance upon penalty of death. They had seen the rule in action once when Katana had 'accidentally' tried to retrieve a pencil from Gun's purse while on an undercover mission in Sector Seven. Three phoenix downs later, eight elixirs, and two hundred potions later, no one had dared to ever touch any of the female Turks' belongings ever again.
"She won't mind."
Rude's glasses fell upon the floor as Reno jabbed him in the eye with an elbow, climbing further into the locker in search of what he sought. Apparently Reno had missed the lesson thereafter where, in the event that a female Turk did not carry a purse, their wallet became the proverbial purse, and if said female Turk was currently in possession of said wallet, then the locker became the proverbial temple of no return, and so on and so on until someone, always the male breaking the golden safety rule, died or was maimed for life.
"She's going to murder you for this. I heard she's been learning how to turn a simple pair of chopsticks into a weapon. Nearly took an infantryman's fingers off when he tried to steal her salad at lunch the other day."
Reno continued to sort through the youngest Turk's belongings.
"You know Rude, for a Turk, Cissnei's awfully boring. Her apartment is more exciting than this yo." He shoved aside a karate uniform neatly folded with a blackbelt folded atop it and reached for a small leather bag he could only assume was the closest thing to a purse she owned.
Rude's eyes widened in horror and he listened for footsteps in the hallway.
"Put it down. If she walks in here and sees you going through her personal belongings, she's-"
"Going to kill me, chop me up into little pieces, and feed me to Rufus's pet kitty cat. Got ya. Now," he opened the purse and began flipping through the collection of paperwork folded neatly and in place. "Let's see what mysteries of the universe will be revealed today."
"I'm warning you Reno. This is not a good idea at all."
"Rude, my man, didn't anyone tell you that you can learn a lot from a woman by the contents of their purse. Relax. If she catches us, we'll just blame it on Vincent. It's not like he's going to deny it."
"Vincent is at the Valentine's day ball, where we are supposed to be. He's got an alibi. We don't."
"Then we'll blame it on Fair. He's always getting into trashcans and stuff."
"She doesn't think he's smart enough to find this floor, let alone pick a lock, find a purse, and root through it in search of something that doesn't exist."
"I'm telling you yo, I saw it. Why wouldn't she carry it with her?"
"Because it's the list. Why do you care so much about who is on it and why?" Rude flinched as the red haired menace kicked him in the ribs, flipping through paper after paper.
"Because, if we find the list, we can learn what her and Tseng were discussing the other day at the café. Trust me. This is for her own good. That, and she was smiling after reading it the other day in her office."
"When you die, I'm not going to bury you. The chocobos can pick you apart for all I care."
Reno smirked, holding a piece of folded pink paper between his fingers. He dangled it in front of Rude mockingly.
"Found it. Now, let's see if my suspicions are correct-" Reno's eyes narrowed the more he read into the words. "I don't get it."
"Let me see." Rude reached for the piece of paper but was swatted away.
"I got this big guy. Who's DUOLC EFIRTS?"
At this, Rude dropped the red haired menace onto the cold tiled floor in disbelief.
"Who?"
"DUOLC EFIRTS," Reno replied, still puzzled by the letters on the piece of paper. "And a lot of other funky letters. Is it Wutainese? Did Tseng brainwash her into writing his language so they could exchange secret love notes? The plot thickens."
"Reno," Rude sighed. "This is a word scramble. It's not, the list."
"I dunno Rude. It could be that shifty eyed tech guy Cissnei glares at every morning."
The bald man checked his watch and snatched the piece of paper, trying to decipher the entire group of phrases written upon it. Trust a Turk to write a letter in code.
"I knew we should have bought that decoder ring."
"Holy Chocobos Bald Man! We need to go save her from this awful DUOLC EFIRTS before he catches a dance with her at the ball and ruins any and all chances of us proving our manhood. He's obviously planning something. There's X's and O's everywhere."
Reno bolted into the hallway, waving the piece of paper in the air and shouting like an idiot. Rude retrieved his shades and followed at a safe distance, not willing to associate with his about to be deceased comrade, which would then allow him to move up the manly totem pole.
The two Turks picked their way to the grand showroom, converted to a small, tasteful ball room, complete with sparkly hearts and pink and red ribbon everywhere. Reno slid to a halt, noting how Tseng and the secretary from the first floor exchanged interested glances.
"Um Reno."
"Not now Rude. I'm trying to find out which man is DUOLC EFIRTS."
He scanned the ballroom until he saw Reeve happily enjoying the female attention he was receiving for his eye patch while a group of dismal SOLDIERs moped by the punchbowl - Genesis absent from the group for unknown reasons Angeal watched Zack joke with Aerith about something only they could understand.
Sephiroth was nowhere to be seen either.
"Reno-" Rude once again tried to get his attention.
"I said not now. I'm trying to find a man."
Vincent snickered from beside them, paler than usual and lacking his usual wit and charm. Adjusting his tie, he leaned against the wall, content with merely watching despite his utter hotness and attractiveness to the opposite sex.
"To your right Reno." Rude directed, somewhat amused as Reno looked everywhere but.
"I'm telling you, whoever this DUOLC EFIRTS character is, is gonna-" His eyes widened and he nearly fainted as he turned the corner…
Only to see their auburn haired comrade in a plain, yet elegant blue dress, dancing, a waltz no less, with one very enthusiastic blond haired, blue eyed infantryman in a tuxedo, who merely regarded the stunned red haired menace with an impish smirk before escorting his date further into the crowd and leaving them to ponder just what they had seen.
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Coming up on One Hundred Tiny Missions:
It came from the cafeteria…and it was angry…
Until we meet again,
SageQuill : )
