Beca,

Plato said 'Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and life to everything'. I'm 30 years old and I'm sitting down trying to look back on my life, which as you're reading this, is apparently over. That sucks. I can't imagine what would have happened to me if I didn't have music when I was growing up. The first time I picked up a guitar I was 13 years old. There was this local musician in Austin that would give lessons at the community center by my house. One day I went and that's when my life had direction. I wasn't great at first but when I held it in my hands I felt like I had been holding it my whole life. I just knew how to play. I couldn't play songs at first but stringing the cords together was easy. It came naturally to me and from that moment on, I taught myself and practiced at that community center as much as possible but it wasn't enough for me. I did whatever I could for money. I collected cans, mowed my neighbor's yard, washed cars. I did almost anything I could and I finally saved up enough to buy a beat up old mahogany Dean Guitar at a pawn shop for eighty five dollars. That guitar was my favorite thing. It was my best friend. My mom would come home from work drunk because as soon as she left the office she stopped at a liquor store and drank all the way home. When she got home she sat outback and drank and smoked till she passed out. I would go to my room and just play and learn as much as I could. When I had a song mastered I would go out back and play it for her and I remember her looking proud of me. She couldn't or didn't know how to say it and that's okay because every once and a while I saw it in her face. She loved me but she didn't know what to do with me. She didn't mean to get pregnant and didn't have any type of support around her to help so she did the best she could. The alcohol and eventually the drugs won out over everything else in her life. It got really bad when her company transferred her to Boston. It got bad for her but it got better for me. That sounds horrible to say but when my mom died I felt free. I was a kid and I was taking care of her as if she were my child. She died and I met Emma. My Emma. Just thinking of her makes me smile like an idiot. She changed everything for me. She loved me for exactly who I was and for who I could possibly become. Not a musician or a producer but a partner. A wife. Now when I play that old guitar for my wife, she not only looks proud of me but she says it and it fills me with love and I don't hurt anymore. I don't ache anymore for something I thought I would never have. A family. I still have that old guitar. It's in an old black case in the back of my closet. I want you to give it to Finley when she is old enough.

So if I'm never going to talk to you again there are a couple of things I want to say.

First. You are a fraud. A phony. An illusion. But I see you. I think I've always seen you. Not the person that you really want people to see. Don't get me wrong, you really are a stubborn sarcastic asshole pain in the ass, but you also have the most generous heart. You try to hide that because you don't want to get hurt. I'll let you in on a little secret B … Nobody wants to get their heart broken and feel that hurt and pain, but it's worth it when you come out the other side. **Cue obligatory Beca Mitchell eye roll** You don't let people see how things really affect you. You try to hide your emotions from the world as if your unaffected by things. Don't do that Becs. You have so much to give. There is so much inside of you that your friends and family need. You're compassionate and generous and the best friend I've ever had. Even when I hated you and believe me when we were spending months and months on the road in that shitty van and in shitty hotel rooms, there are times I wanted to smother you with a pillow in your sleep. Even then I couldn't bring myself to do it because I'd miss you too much. Even when you disagree with me even though you know I'm right. I mean that shit is seriously annoying Beca. But I fucking love you dude. I don't know how to say goodbye to you. I don't know how to tell you that I love you and for you to realize how much I really mean it. I don't know how to make you feel the way you make me feel. But since I've met you I haven't been alone. You don't know how something like that, is everything to someone like me. Emma is the love of my life but I've lost her before and I'm so lucky she game me another chance. But you make me feel like I have a family, one that will be there for me no matter what. We had our moments but I knew nothing would keep us apart. We would always find our way back because we're family. But now, as you're reading this I'm not coming back. And I've left you alone. It breaks my heart to think of how you may be feeling and I'm so sorry. So how do you say goodbye? I don't know if I know how.

I need something from you. I need you to raise my daughter. Life is such a funny thing. As I sit trying to reflect on my life I think about the choices I've made. Some really good and some really bad. But every single choice even the really bad ones got me here. It got me Emma. It got me you and Chloe. It got me Finley, who is fucking amazing. I would go through all the pain and hurt in my life times a thousand just to be able to hold her in my arms. Just to be able to look into her eyes. Just to be able to watch her breath. I cherish every single moment I have with her. She is my biggest success. And I don't want anyone to raise her but you and Chloe. I know Emma's parents would to a great job and she would have a good life but I want more for her. I want her to see the world. I want her to experience all the things that I love. I want her to feel the water spray off of the waterfall in Santa Ynez. I want her to see the sunrise in the desert. I want her to stand in the rain in London and see how beautifully green Ireland is. I want her to feel the music the way that I do. I want her to understand what it's like to hear melodies in the swaying of the trees. I want her to feel the rhythm of the rain drops. I want her to see the soundwaves in the reflection of a mountain lake. You are the only one who can reach her that way. Fin's different. She's like us. She feels the music. It's a part of her. I can see it in her eyes. I can see it in the way she breathes and the way she moves to the sounds around her.

Please take care of my baby girl. Never let any harm come to her. Love her as your own. I know this is a lot to consider and a lot to ask but I want you to adopt her. I want her to have a family and real parents. Not guardians but real parents. That's something I never had and something that scared the hell out of me when Em and I were talking about having kids. I didn't really have parents so how would I know how to be one? But it's the best thing I've ever done. I don't want her to grow up different from the other kids. I want her to have real parents and a family. Please give that to her. You and Chloe are the only people I want raising my baby.

Chloe Beale. I know you love that girl. I know she loves you. From someone looking in it's evident that you two belong together. That doesn't mean that things will be easy. I've learned that relationships are hard. You have to work at them. I almost lost the love of my life because I was a stupid kid. Because I didn't want to make it work when things were about to get hard. Just the thought of it getting hard made me leave her. You didn't know me back then but she made me work my ass off to get her back. I had to earn her and I don't know if I actually did but she gave me a chance anyway. I gave her a million reasons to walk away and never look back at me but I gave her one reason to stay. And she did. I know things between you and Chloe haven't been the easiest. Nothing worth having should come easy. I don't know what is ahead of you but the things I've watched you go through are nothing compared to what could be ahead of you. Be honest with her. Tell her how you feel. Open up and let her all the way in. Even through those two years when you two were apart and you were hurting so badly, she was still your sun. You don't mean too and I know you don't want to admit that it may be possible but the two of you always revolve around each other. Yes, you could be without her. You may even be able to be happy with someone else in your life but she is your one. And you are her true love. It's okay to give yourself to her. All of you. She hurt you, yes, but if fear is what is keeping you from giving her the last little bit of your heart, if you're afraid you're going to get hurt then that's just nonsense. Because you're going to get hurt. If you keep her at arm's length, if you push her away when things get hard she's going to hurt you. She may hurt you if you let her all the way in but don't you want to be able to look back and say you did it the right way? That you loved a great love. That you did it all the way. No regrets? I'm leaving something for Chloe. She once told me of the song she wanted played at her wedding. Please give it to her on that day.

You're the best friend I've ever had. Emma, you, Chloe and Finley are my only family in this world. I love you with all my heart B and I want nothing but happiness for you. I want you to have the best life imaginable. I want you to look back when you're old and grey and reminisce on an epic life. Whatever happens Beca, just be happy. Where ever it takes you to find it, find peace. I found mine. It's your turn. I love you.

-Quinn

Beca put the letter down on the piano bench next to her. It was never easy to read that letter. She missed Quinn terribly and seeing her writing and hearing her voice in her head as she read her thoughts was disturbing and reassuring. Her hands found the keys of the piano as a line in the letter caught her attention for the first time.

The melody floated down the staircase and into the kitchen. Chloe had been running Beca's words through her head over and over again. She had never felt like this. She had never felt so hurt and broken and responsible for all of it. She sat on the floor listening to Beca string tones and keys into melodies. "What do I do?" Chloe asked herself. She closed her eyes and rested her head back against the cabinet.

After an eternity or an hour, Chloe wasn't sure because she felt like a stone statue, she pushed herself to her feet. Her body was sore from being motionless for so long. She sat listening to every key, every note that Beca played drift down the stairs. Preparing herself for another round of apologizing Chloe turned toward the staircase. As she approached the room Beca was in, the music grew louder in volume and softer in tone. She could hear Beca's voice softly carrying through the air. She took three steps into the room and Beca stilled for a moment. Her voice and fingers stopped.

"Can we talk? Please? Tell me what you need? What can I do to make you stay?" Chloe whispered.

Beca started playing again.

'You're giving me a million reasons to let you go

You're giving me a million reasons to quit the show

You're givin' me a million reason

Give me a million reasons

Given' me a million reasons

About a million reasons

If I had a highway, I would run for the hills

If you could find a dry way, I'd forever be still

But you're giving me a million reasons

Give me a million reasons

Givin' me a million reasons

About a million reasons

I bow down to pray

I try to make the worst seem better

Lord, show me the way

To cut through all this worn out leather

I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away

But baby, I just need one good one to stay

Head stuck in a cycle, I look off and I stare

It's like I've stopped breathing, but completely aware

'Cause you're giving me a million reasons

Give me a million reasons

Givin' me a million reasons

About a million reasons

And if you say something that you might even mean

It's hard to even fathom which parts I should believe

'Cause you're giving me a million reasons

Give me a million reasons

Givin' me a million reasons

About a million reasons

I bow down to pray

I try to make the worst seem better

Lord, show me the way

To cut through all this worn out leather

I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away

But baby, I just need one good one to stay

Hey, ehh, ehh, eyy

Baby I'm bleedin', bleedin'

Stay, ehh, ehhy

Cant' you give me what I'm needin', needin'

Every heartbreak makes it hard to keep the faith

But baby, I just need one good one

Good one, good one, good one, good one, good one

When I bow down to pray

I try to make the worst seem better

Lord, show me the way

To cut through all this worn out leather

I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away

But baby, I just need one good one, good one

Tell me that you'll be the good one, good one

But baby, I just need one good one to stay'

Her hands stilled and her eye's shed tears over the ivory keys. She felt better. She got it out. She still hurt but she told her. She told her what she needed. It wasn't more apologies. The words I'm sorry didn't mean anything. Beca blew out a shaky breath. She pulled the fall board down over the keys and stood slowly from the bench. Chloe looked fragile. The silence in the air was heavy. Beca made her way to the redhead whose eyes were bright with tears. Beca slowly reached her hands for Chloe's soft face. She softly tried to clean up the tear tracks that covered Chloe's cheeks with the pads of her thumbs. Beca pulled Chloe's face towards hers slowly, placing her lips against Chloe's salty ones. It was soft and tender and Chloe sobbed. Beca pulled back hearing Finley crying in the background. She wasn't sure how long the baby had been crying but she could hear it now. Beca's hands slowly slid down off Chloe's face, down her neck and shoulders and her arms. Their eyes never left each other. Beca wasn't waiting for an answer. She knew Chloe was paralyzed with the thought, with the emotion. Beca's hands slid down Chloe's forearms, wrists and hands. Once she lost contact with the redhead she say Chloe's eyes dim, she saw what was left of the woman she loved heart break. She didn't know how it was possible to see but she saw it. Finley was screaming. Her tiny voice desperately begging for them. Beca side stepped Chloe and walked out of the room. Chloe closed her eyes and listened to Beca's boots on the wooden steps down the stairs and towards the front door. Chloe turned quickly and ran to Finley's room. She desperately wiped her face with her hands. She reached the crib and picked the screaming baby up, whose face was bright red, and pulled her to her chest. She wrapped her arms around her child. She bounced the baby lightly and strung together rounds of 'ssshhh' and comforting pats to ease the baby. She paced the room as the baby started to calm. Chloe stopped in front of the mirror. It was the first time she saw it. She had felt it minutes earlier but now, holding Finley against her with her right arm wrapped around the baby and her left hand resting on the back of the baby's head, it was gone. Her finger was empty. Beca had slipped it off just as easily as she slipped it on. Beca took it back.


AN: Thanks to all of you who have been there for me as I get through this. So, do you guys wanna talk about that?

Song Cred: Million Reasons - Lady Gaga