Disclaimer: See chapter one.
I was hoping to have this installment online yesterday but then sleep deprivation kick my butt and stole my ability to type more than two words an hour! (No lie!) As is becoming quite usual, I sat down to write with a vague idea from El Muse in my mind, thought I knew where it was going and then almost got whiplash when she switched direction on me at the last minute...but the end result? Well, I'll leave that judgement to you :)
As always, a sincere thanks to those of you who take the time to review. I find it fascinating to hear how you each respond to the chapters and even though I would still continue to write this story whether there were no reviews or as many as you do keep blessing me with, it does make the process feel like more of a two way street with your feedback to guide me as to the pacing of the developments etc. So thank you and I hope this chapter lives up to the standards previously set.
Onwards...
Tuesday March 10th 2009
05.47
Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side
Alex padded out of her bedroom, rubbing sleepily at her eyes as she battled to convince herself it really was time to get up. Her alarm had not been at all welcome when it clanged loudly beside her ear. She paused as she passed the doorway to Olivia's room, peering inside and casting her gaze over the prone form of her still slumbering house guest. The older woman had insisted on sleeping alone, not wanting to disturb Alex any more than she already had that evening, little knowing that the attorney merely lay in the room next-door listening out for any tiny signs of distress. The last time she had looked at the clock, it had been just after four a.m. and if Liv had had any nightmares, she had been careful to keep them to herself. Watching over her as she slept, Alex couldn't help but smile sadly at the sight of her sprawled on her stomach, limbs stretching to cover the majority of the bed's surface, spare pillow gripped tightly to one side. The sheets twisted and tangled around her body belied her currently serene state, telegraphing the restless night she too had obviously had. It made Alex's heart ache to know she had been tossing and turning, struggling to deal with the day's events in silence, without reaching out for support and comfort. How she wished it was her in Liv's arms and not that pillow.
With no small amount of effort, she tore her gaze away, continuing on her journey to start a fresh pot of coffee, knowing she would need large amounts of caffeine in order to get through the day ahead. Handling Abbie Carmichael was a little like trying to lasso a tornado at the best of times. Handling her on little over two hours sleep was going to be an uphill battle and an interesting one at that, she surmised. Judging by the evidence in Liv's room, she too would need significant amounts of caffeine to make it through the day looming large before them. Once the machine was stirring into life and promising to deliver an aromatic fresh brew, Alex re-trod her path back to her own room. On autopilot, she stripped out of her nightwear, depositing it on the sheets where she had attempted to sleep before strolling lazily into the en-suite bathroom. She reached into the shower, turning on the pounding jets and giving it a moment to warm up. As she waited, she glanced at herself in the mirror, shocked by her gaunt, drawn appearance and almost haunted expression. With her guard down, she saw just how much of a toll events were taking on her. With renewed determination to shake off her fatigue and melancholy, she walked into the shower cubicle and began her morning routine, intent on having put herself back together before Olivia saw her. The woman was suffering enough already, the last thing she needed was to see how hard Alex was finding it to cope with as well. Knowing Liv as well as she did, the attorney could guarantee she would withdraw even further out of misplaced feelings of guilt. No, she had to put on a mask once more, just for a little while. Though she hated hiding anything from Olivia, it was for the best. It really was. Liv couldn't know how much last night had terrified her, how she had lain awake for hour after hour not just listening for nightmares but for signs that Liv would go through with her threat to end her life. Hearing the words spilling from the older woman's lips had made her blood run cold, reignited the flickering flames of fear she hoped had been extinguished when the nightmares receded. She felt her body beginning to tremble, her legs weakening and a deep-seated ache settling in her chest at the mere thought of losing Liv before she had had a chance to share any kind of happiness with her. She could no longer hold back her sobs, doubling over in agony before collapsing to the floor of the shower, water pounding down on her and, she hoped, drowning out the sounds of her despair.
Liv lay in her room, the faint hum of the shower running in Alex's en-suite providing her with the comforting sense of not being alone. The faint aroma of coffee drifted into the bedroom, coaxing her out from beneath the tangled sheets. She looked back at the chaos which had once been a freshly made bed, the history of her tortured night written all over the crumpled sheets and the tear-stained pillow. With a deep sigh, she turned her back on the scene and the memories it triggered to taunt her, stepping with deliberate pace towards the tantalising scent emanating from the kitchen. Seeing two mugs already set out and waiting, Liv poured some of the dark liquid into each, fixing both to perfection. She carried them both on stealthy feet back towards the bedrooms, opting to deliver Alex's first so she could be sure it was there when the blonde woman finished in the shower. She figured it was the very least she could do as a gesture of appreciation for her support and sympathy the night before. As she was depositing the steaming cup onto Alex's bedside cabinet, she heard a soft whimper from the en-suite. For a second she froze, thinking she had once again inadvertently interrupted Alex during an intimate moment she was not yet privy to sharing. But then she heard another sound, a sound which tore at her soul, the unmistakable sound of Alex in distress. Abandoning both mugs on the cabinet, Liv dashed to the bathroom door, knocking softy so as not to startle the woman inside.
"Alex? Alex, honey, can I please come in?" There was no response except for the sudden silencing of the sobs.
On the other side of the door, still curled up on the floor of the shower, Alex clamped both hands over her mouth to stifle any further sounds which attempted to escape. She wanted to send Liv away so she didn't see her in her current state – not so much naked bodily but rather the vulnerable soul-baring nakedness she felt. It would be too much for the older woman, she was sure of it. It would be the final straw, the last nudge she needed to send her hurtling over the precipice on which she teetered. And if that happened, in that moment, Alex was certain she too would follow her into the abyss.
"Alex, talk to me please! If you don't tell me to leave, I'm coming in regardless. I know you're hurting in there…and I suspect I'm a good deal of the cause of that pain if not the only cause of it so the least I can do is help you now. Please!" Olivia begged desperately, hand resting against the doorknob as she prepared to enter.
Despite what she wanted to do, Alex couldn't force the words past her lips to send Liv away. As she removed her hands to try, another deep wracking sob escaped her. No sooner had the sound left her mouth than she heard the door crash open and rapid footsteps approaching. She curled up tighter into a ball, as though she could disappear or become invisible against the cool white marbled tiles.
"Oh my God!" Liv gasped, the sight halting her in her tracks and knocking the wind from her like a physical blow. "Jesus, Alex…" There were no other words she could utter which would make everything alright, nothing she could say to ease the agony her closest friend was suffering. So she let her actions speak for her, climbing into the shower along with her, easing herself down onto the floor beside the huddled form. With complete disregard for the fact she was still in her pyjamas, she reached out and coaxed Alex to shift until she was curled against her side rather than the unyielding tiles. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm so, so sorry," she murmured, over and over again, holding Alex tightly to her, arms wrapped around her upper body. Alex never responded, never showed any signs of acknowledging Liv's presence at all until the older woman attempted to move, intending on turning off the water before they drowned. Then Alex moved. She moved with lightning speed, gripping at the brunette's sodden clothing fiercely, pinching handfuls of the flesh beneath along with the wringing wet fabric.
"Don't go! Please don't go, don't leave me. Please…don't leave me…don't ever leave me," she cried with pure desperation and terror in her voice.
Olivia's heart broke upon hearing the pleas, knowing it was her own actions from the night before, her words, her willingness to sink beneath the tide of her grief which had created Alex's despair. She allowed herself a moment, just a single brief moment, of imagining how Alex would cope if Liv ever did end her life deliberately. A vision of her lying like this in the shower sprung to mind, only this time there was no one to overhear her tears, no one to hold her and attempt to soothe her pain, no one to notice when the light inside of her died right along with Olivia…and Liv knew it would, she understood all too clearly how a part of a person died at the point of losing someone they cared for deeply. Her thoughts turned dark as she allowed her mind free reign to hypothesize over what would transpire next; Alex attending Olivia's funeral service, standing apart from the rest of the attendees, deliberately distancing herself from humanity; Alex rejecting offers of company from the rest of the squad, from Captain Cragen, from Abbie and Bev even; Alex sinking further and further into a well of depression and isolation; finally Alex giving in to the urge to end her own pain and join Liv in oblivion. And in that moment, in that moment of startling clarity, Liv was overcome with a new sense of desperation to give Alex a reason to live, to give her a reason to battle through each and every day.
"I know my words won't mean very much to you right now, because words are cheap and promises too easily broken, but I won't leave you, Alex. I'm not leaving you. I'm here, now and for as long as you'll allow me to be. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. Not anywhere. You are my future, the future I want to build, the future I want to watch grow and develop and blossom into something so very special." She looked deeply into Alex's eyes, seeing tiny sparks of hope flickering within them despite the lingering uncertainty. "Let me turn this water off and we'll talk some more about this next door, ok? My bones are getting too old for spending this much time on the floor," she quipped, hoping to coax a little glimmer of a smile out of the younger woman with her humour. She was irrationally delighted to see the self-deprecating jibe garner the desired response, albeit briefly but it had been there all the same.
Alex released her vice-like grip of her companion's clothing, allowing her to stand and turn off the water. The blonde remained on the floor a moment longer, sitting back against the wall, head lolling backwards, eyes closed, chest still heaving as she fought to recover from the tidal wave of emotions which had crashed through her. She tried to focus on how good it had felt to be held so tenderly and yet so protectively in the detective's embrace, how elating it had been to hear her assurances that they would find a way through this minefield together, that she would not be abandoned or cast aside. Slowly, her anxiety receded to more manageable levels once more, her breaths evening out and becoming more controlled. A gentle hand on her shoulder forced her to return to the present, snapping her eyes open. They landed on a saturated white vest, clinging to every sinewy curve of Olivia's muscular stomach. In spite of the circumstances, Alex couldn't help but appreciate the view, knowing if she allowed her eyes to drift a little further upwards they would be rewarded with a similarly revealing vista of Liv's breasts, the flimsy fabric so soaked it was translucent. She swallowed thickly, swiftly clamping down on such thoughts as being inappropriate. As she accepted Liv's outstretched palm, using it as leverage to regain her footing, Alex was heedless of her own state of undress…until Olivia's other hand steadied her at her waist, warm and vibrant against her rapidly cooling damp skin. She felt a blush rising across her upper chest, crawling up her neck towards her cheeks and dropped her head, hoping to disguise the reaction. It was a mistake as her eyes immediately fixed on those generous fleshy mounds straining at the thin cotton, nipples protruding as the water cooled. Her flushed skin ignited into a furnace in her mind as she greedily drank in their appearance, unable to tear her gaze away. Her hands, which hung limply by her sides, itched to cup the bountiful breasts, to test their weight in her palms and explore their sensitivity to her touch. Her breath hitched as her core clenched and she had to summon all her willpower to suppress the shudder which yearned to run through her.
Liv watched the reaction to her touch, saw the beginning telltale signs of a flush appearing on the pale skin of Alex's smooth, almost flawless skin. It began just above the cleft between her modest breasts, rising over proud collarbones and onwards up her neck, swallowing the few freckles in its path. Her view was then blocked as the blonde head dropped in an adorably bashful gesture. The detective felt eyes on her, their caress washing over her like a physical touch. Her body responded to it as though it was, as though it was those elegant hands roaming over her chest, nipples tightening even further, pushing against their sodden cotton barrier.
"Alex…" the brunette murmured breathlessly, half plea, half question. She tightened her hold on the younger woman's waist, drawing her imperceptibly closer.
"We shouldn't…," Alex finally ground out, tearing her eyes from the almost irresistible vista before her.
"We shouldn't…," Olivia echoed, cupping the attorney's chin with one hand and bringing the cerulean gaze back up to meet her own. The brunette leant in, closing the distance between them before Alex could object further or withdraw completely. Full lips closed over thinner ones, worshipping their surface before lapping at them teasingly with her tongue.
Alex let out a brief moan, her mouth opening to suck in a startled breath as Liv wound her arms around her tighter, bringing them together bodily. The water on Liv's pyjamas had cooled rapidly, the temperature difference uncomfortable and shocking. Liv's talented tongue dipped inside Alex's heated moist cavern, capturing the blonde's own tongue and massaging it thoroughly. She devoured the attorney's mouth and lips reverently, allowing one hand to wander upwards along the ridged column of Alex's spine, fingertips tracing the outline of each vertebra. Alex's listless hands were suddenly spurred into action, tugging at the hem of Olivia's sodden vest, prising it up and away from the sculpted torso beneath it. When it got to her neck, the younger woman tore her mouth away only long enough to remove the offending article entirely, tossing it aside with a wet thwack where it hit still damp tiles. Next the questing hands dipped into the waist line of the detective's pyjama pants, pushing them downwards insistently. The water-logged cotton clung to curvaceous hips hampering proceedings leading to Liv needing to assist her with their removal. She kicked them aside once both feet were clear of the legs and surged back against Alex, naked flesh meeting naked flesh for the first time. Desire and arousal clouded their brains, leaving rational thought on the floor of the shower cubicle along with the discarded pyjamas. Alex tentatively traced patterns over the smooth plains of Olivia's back, dipping ever lower with each pass until her palms cupped taut buttocks. She squeezed them reflexively as Liv's teeth gently closed over one earlobe, tugging at it before soothing the area with her lips and tongue. That talented, tempting mouth drifted lower, placing heated kisses down the column of Alex's neck, pausing wherever she recognised was sensitive as the attorney tilted her head to one side allowing greater access.
"Liv…bedroom…please…" Alex ground out, her legs shaking and threatening to collapse beneath her in the face of the onslaught of desire the older woman's actions were triggering.
Liv straightened up, reluctantly detaching her lips from the skin she was so hungrily exploring. The two women shared a look, each silently offering the other a final chance to back out. Neither accepted the invitation, taking hold of one another's hands and hastily heading into the adjoining bedroom. As they approached the bed, Liv guided Alex to lay down on her back, immediately crawling on top of her and settling a fair portion of her weight onto the prone blonde's body, legs intertwining automatically as hands once again began to roam over the highly sensitive flesh on display. Their kisses began languidly, as though they had all the time in the world, but soon the fires of their passion erupted and it became a battle of wills to see who would come out on top – figuratively and literally. Alex flipped their bodies over, pinning the brunette to the rumpled sheets and grinding her pelvis against a toned, strong thigh.
"Let me give you a reason to live," Alex requested, panting as her own pleasure increased in direct correlation to the beautiful friction being created between her legs with her rhythmic rocking motion.
"Touch me…please touch me…" Olivia begged, willingly relinquishing control to the fiery woman above her.
Alex growled her appreciation of the implicit permission, greedily feasting on the detective's mouth, swallowing the tiny mewls generated by her wandering hands. Palms settled over the rock-hard peaks of Olivia's breasts, massaging them gently and testing their weight and texture as she yearned to do when gazing at them through the translucent fabric of her tank. Fingers crept inwards, tortuously slowly until finally they fastened onto the swollen nipples, rolling and pinching them, sending molten bolts of fluidic arousal straight to Olivia's core. Alex ground down harder, inadvertently pressing her own thigh into Liv's saturated centre.
Liv's head thrashed from side to side as she tore her lips away from Alex's mouth. The sight of the younger woman riding her mixed with the heady sensations from her manual attentions was driving her wild. Her hands flew to rest on the minimal curve of the blonde's hips, thumbs subconsciously and rhythmically stroking the prominence of bone there.
"More…" she moaned, hoping Alex would understand her craving, through just that one simple word, knowing it would be impossible to explain further whilst so distracted.
Alex felt her breath hitch in her chest at the heartfelt plea. Powerless to resist, she dipped her head, fastening the hot cavern of her mouth over one gloriously coral tipped breast, licking, sucking and nipping at the hardened bud with fervour. The move freed one of her hands, allowing it to trail further south. Deciding this was not the time for cruelty, Alex slid her fingers into the scorching pool of Liv's natural lubrication without delay. Both women hissed at the sensation, their ardour spiking and driving them both to act on animal instinct alone. Liv's hips rose from the bed, silently begging for Alex to enter her, to bring her to climax. With a primal growl, Alex coated her fingers liberally in the older woman's juices, spreading them around her folds and dancing over the hooded bundle of nerves hidden at her apex. Alex held her breath as she trailed her fingers through the molten heat, resting the tip of one finger just outside of Olivia's entrance.
"Look at me…" she whispered raggedly. "I want you to look at me when we do this."
Liv's eyes flickered open, their pupils so dilated that there was very little brown to be seen. Hunger warred with apprehension momentarily leading Alex to pause. "Slowly," Liv requested, locking her gaze onto Alex's and keeping it there. As directed, Alex began to push forward, testing the older woman's readiness to be penetrated. Liv's hands bunched in the sheets, her face screwing up at the discomfort brought on by the intrusion, as she willed herself to relax, to accept the loving attention being offered. Sensing the unusual tightness in the muscles around her finger, Alex stilled her motion, leaving her digit buried inside the older woman only as far as the first knuckle. After a few moments rest resulted in no greater relaxation, Alex withdrew as gently as she could, resuming lavishing oral attention on each bountiful breast. She let her fingers caress Olivia's saturated folds, drawing lazy patterns over and around her clit. Only when the brunette's hips began to cant once again did the attorney trail lower, back to the clenching entrance beyond which, Alex was sure, lay nirvana. Without fanfare, she once again teased the sensitive opening for a mere second before pressing inside as gently as she could with a single finger. All her senses were alert to Liv's reactions and immediately she stopped as the whimpers veered from pleasure to pain. Realisation swept over the younger woman, bringing with it a crushing sense of clarity. She rolled off the brunette after extracting her finger, flopping listlessly onto her back on the bed beside her.
"This was a mistake… Your body's telling us what we both rationally know. We shouldn't be doing this…not yet. You're not ready. Hell, I'm not even sure I'm ready…" Alex blew out a frustrated breath, not at the fact they couldn't yet consummate their ever deepening connection but that she had allowed lust to overrule what she knew to be right. Self-loathing began to settle in, its effect dousing her arousal as swiftly as any cold shower.
"We don't have to… I don't need… There are plenty of ways to bring each other pleasure without penetration is what I'm so ineptly trying to say," Liv babbled, rolling on to her side and sensually drawing patterns on Alex's heaving abdomen with the backs of her fingertips, trying to hide her distress at what she perceived a rejection of Alex as a compatible lover. Her hand was stilled by Alex's palm atop it, flattening it and holding it firmly in place in a neutral zone.
"I know," Alex admitted softly, "and if I thought for a single minute that it was just that, I'd have no reservation in burying my head between your thighs and making you scream my name. But it's not that simple, Olivia. Your body is telling you that this isn't right, either not right for now or not right at all. And as much as I pray it is a temporary thing, we have to listen to it. Ignoring it won't make it go away. It is a physical manifestation of all the tension, the anxiety…the doubts you're carrying with you. To pretend they don't exist, to carry on regardless…any orgasm either of us had would be empty…and eventually, it would lead to resentment from one or other of us, or possibly even both of us." Alex allowed a small amount of her disappointment to show through, letting the older woman know that the situation was not easy for her to handle either.
"I'm sorry…" Liv choked out, tears pricking her eyes. She withdrew her hand, using it instead to shield her eyes as a few droplets leaked out.
"It's not your fault, Livie," Alex cooed warmly, prising the hand away so that the older woman would see the earnestness in her eyes. "You're not to blame. If anyone should be blaming themselves, it's me. You only came in there because you overheard something I should never have let you hear. It was me who was ogling you and reading things into having you touch my skin when all you were doing was trying to offer me support. I should never have let it get this far. I should never have let it happen in the first place. Primarily and most importantly right now I need to act as your friend, not as some out of control, lust-filled, selfish bitch. So I'm sorry, Liv. I'm sorry for taking advantage of you, I'm sorry for hurting you and I'm truly, truly sorry for making you feel like you were at fault."
"How can I know so little about what I want anymore? When did the world disappear from under my feet and send me into this complete tailspin where I can't get a definite fix on reality?" Liv asked, despite knowing the answer all too well. Alex neglected to answer, choosing instead to offer one final squeeze of the older woman's hand. She rose from the bed.
"I need to get ready for work," she stated. "I've got a breakfast meeting with Abbie. She flew in on the red eye. I'm bringing her up to speed on the case."
"Good…that's good. At least that'll take a little of the pressure off you if you're not having to handle all the paperwork for Sami's case too. I know you're in court today, right? The Deckman appeal?" Liv asked, still sounding somewhat distracted as she sat up and watched the younger woman head to her closet. The attorney nodded her head briskly, not looking forward to butting heads with the defence attorney on that case, especially given the way the day was panning out so far. "We all know it's a crock of shit he's trying to pull and everyone has faith in you to make the court realise that too," the detective supplied vehemently, slipping behind the mask of her professional persona as she beat an emotional retreat.
"Thanks," Alex tossed over her shoulder as she fastened her bra, wishing she had the same confidence in herself.
"I'll leave you to get dressed. There's a coffee for you by the bed, it might still be somewhere near drinkable," the brunette advised as she rose from the bed, sensing that her continued presence was adding to the ADA's anxiety. Unable to resist touching her one last time, Liv placed one hand at Alex's still naked waist, leaning in to press a chaste kiss to her cheek. "I really am sorry for how this morning turned out," she murmured into the delicate shell of Alex's ear, breath teasing the wispy blonde hairs which had begun to dry there.
"Me too, Liv. Me too," Alex agreed before stepping away with a sigh, withdrawing not just physically but emotionally as well as she attempted to ready herself to face the day.
Tuesday March 10th 2009
08.21
Alex Cabot's Office, 1 Hogan Place
Abbie Carmichael cracked one eye open as she heard the door to Alex's office crash open. She took in the ADA's flustered appearance, her red-rimmed eyes contradicting the rosy hue of her cheeks.
"Which one of us caught a red-eye flight here again?" she queried caustically, though the wink she tossed in Alex's direction took the sting out of her words.
"Abbie, I am so sorry…" Alex began, dropping her attaché case behind her desk and shucking off her coat.
"It doesn't matter, you're here now. So get your butt over here and give me a hug, woman. I need to make sure you're not wasting away and since clothes can hide a multitude of sins, I'm going to measure by good old-fashioned groping." Abbie hauled her lanky frame out of the sofa she had collapsed into when Mandy had let her in to the office to await Alex's arrival. Upon witnessing the blonde attorney's comical double take, she assured her, "I mean that in a totally non-sexual way, you horn dog!" With an ever widening grin, she muttered, "geez, introduce a girl to the delights of Sapphic lovin' and all of a sudden everything takes on a sexual undertone!"
"Shut up, Carmichael," Alex groused, blushing deeply in the face of the good natured teasing. Her libido was still on edge from having come so close to…well coming earlier as she ground herself against Olivia's thigh.
"Hey I'm not complaining! Least I wouldn't be if I thought I stood any kind of chance with you. I know when I'm outta the game and I have no intention of making life even more difficult for you and Olivia by coming between you," Abbie assured the younger woman as she took her into her arms and held her warmly in greeting. The Texan felt how rigid and tense her friend was, almost as though her muscles were straining with the pressure of holding something back. "What's up?" Alex simply turned her head away, attempting to extricate herself from the loose hold Abbie had her in. The brunette refused to allow her the retreat though, locking her arms more securely around the slender frame and asking again, "what is it, Alex? What's the matter? You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"
"We need to get to work, we have a lot to get through," Alex dodged, clearly not intending to take the other woman up on her offer.
"And we will, after you get off your chest whatever it is that has you so highly strung," Abbie insisted, keeping hold of the young blonde but guiding her to sit on the couch in the corner of the office. "Sit down, eat your breakfast, drink you coffee and talk to me. I know we're on a time limit and on the clock but that doesn't mean we can't spend a few minutes touching base with one another first."
Alex closed her eyes, Abbie's words unintentionally triggering a recollection of being on top of Olivia, hands roaming the body she had long desired unfettered access to. Her head dropped, hanging limply as a fresh surge of self-recrimination swept through her. "I'm a class A bitch, that's all you need to know," she spat, the venom purely directed internally.
"I fail to see how you would think that answers the concerns I have right now – both as a friend and as your co-Counsel on the Camanetti case. And why on earth would you think that about yourself anyway? Did you and Liv get into some sort of fight, again? I swear to God, if you did, I'm going to lock you both in a room together and refuse to let you out until you work it out," Abbie grumbled, reaching into the deli bag on the coffee table and pulling out a cellophane wrapped bran muffin just as Alex had requested. She held it out for the blonde to take, concern deepening by the second when Alex simply ferried it from Abbie's hand back to the coffee table.
"I damn near raped her, ok? Happy you know now?" the ADA growled, fighting to keep her voice down and her temper in check.
"What?" Abbie choked out. Her look of utter disbelief might have been comical under any other circumstances. "OK now you have to explain that statement because if you don't, as an officer of the court, I'm going to be obliged to report a suspected sexual assault…and I really don't want to have to do that, Alex. So you start talking, right now."
"I was crying in the shower. She heard me and came in. I let my hormones overrule my brain. I kissed her, I groped her, I practically ripped her clothes off her. I took her into my bedroom, into my bed and I pinned her down and climbed on top of her. I fucked myself against her thigh and while I was doing that, while I had my mouth clamped over her nipple, I put my finger in her…and it hurt her, Abbie. I hurt her but I still did it again…" Alex trailed off, tears coursing over her cheeks, perfectly manicured nails digging into her palms as she savagely clenched her fists.
"Did she ask you to stop?" Abbie asked simply, suspecting there was far more to the incident than Alex was giving her, more mitigating circumstances which would suggest at least some level of cooperation from the detective.
"No but that's no excuse. I know she's not ready for that. Sam hasn't even been dead much more than a month, how the hell could she be ready to sleep with another woman? But I still tried to fuck her, still took advantage of her." Alex shifted to the opposite end of the couch, as far away as she could from Abbie, as though not trusting herself to not do the same thing to the US Attorney.
"If she didn't ask you to stop, why did you?" Abbie persisted.
"Are you even listening to me? I was hurting her, why do you think I stopped?" Alex practically screamed, wrapping her arms around herself.
"I'm listening but the question is, are you? How many rapists have you prosecuted who stopped, not because their victim asked them to but because they didn't want to cause them pain? How many, Alex? Give me a number."
"What other people do is irrelevant here. I took advantage of her. I forced her into a position where she was always going to get hurt, if not physically then emotionally," Alex insisted, refusing to budge from her assertion that she was no better than those she worked so hard to put behind bars.
"Why were you crying? In the shower, why were you crying?" Abbie pressed, deciding to come at it from an alternative angle.
"It was Sam's Will reading yesterday. Olivia missed it because of a case…and because she was in my office," Abbie's head shot round in interest at the statement leading Alex to hurriedly clarify, "requesting a warrant! But she felt guilty about it because it had slipped her mind that she had an appointment with the Camanetti's. She visited them last night…and she told them about her feelings for me. Gina took it badly, very badly from what I can make out from the tidbits of information Fausto and Liv gave me. Fausto called after Liv fled from the restaurant, filled me in on what she said and what happened as a result of it. I'm very grateful he did. I took a gamble and went to her apartment when I couldn't find her anywhere else. I let myself in…and I found her under the water in the bath as though she was planning on trying to drown herself. I listened to her talking about wanting it all to end, wanting to go to sleep and not wake up and I told her I'd wait forever for her to be ready. I told her that and then the very next day, I prove I'm just full of shit but pouncing on her."
"So you were crying because…?" Abbie asked, still not entirely sure what in particular had caused the normally stoical blonde such grief, although she acknowledged it must have been difficult to try and support Liv through yet another devastating day.
"Because I was selfishly terrified I'll lose her. Because I'm so self-centred, all I was concerned about was whether I was enough of a reason for her to want to go on living," Alex barked, the disgust she was levelling at herself rearing its head once more and marring her attractive face with a fierce glower. "And she blamed herself, for my tears. She thought it was her who had upset me and I did nothing to dissuade her of that notion. Nothing."
"When she found you crying in the shower, what did she do?" Abbie opted to question her friend dispassionately, much as she would a witness on the stand, ignoring the extraneous, irrelevant opinions offered in preference for cold hard fact.
"She climbed right on in next to me and held me to her, telling me how sorry she was. And then she promised me a future with her. She promised me she wouldn't leave me." Alex scoffed, "I can kiss that goodbye, now. She'll never trust me again."
"Was that when you kissed her?" Abbie sought to clarify, head reeling as her sleep-deprived mind struggled to comprehend the sequence of events.
"Shortly after that, yes. She turned the water off and suggested we talked more in the bedroom. I almost slipped as I stood up and she steadied me with her hand on my waist. I'd honestly forgotten I was naked until then. I made the mistake of looking down at her chest – the white vest she was wearing wasn't doing anything to hide her body from me and I was just staring at her breasts, practically drooling all over her like a puberty-ridden boy! That was when I kissed her… or she kissed me… I'm not entirely clear on who initiated it but that's not the point. That's where it started, that's the point where I let reason fly out of the window and acted unforgivably selfishly."
Abbie knew Alex might possibly slap her for her next question but she hoped the shock value of it would make her see reason. "So it sounds like she kissed you back and was a willing participant in the lead up to what happened in the bedroom. Did you take pleasure from her pain? Did you get off despite hurting her? Did you cum, Alex?"
Silence descended on the room, an uncomfortable, heavy silence thick with the anticipation of an explosion about to happen. "Fuck you, Carmichael," Alex raged after a beat.
"That's not an answer I can accept, Alex. Did you cum?" Abbie reiterated, annunciating every individual word as she repeated her question.
"Of course not," Alex ground out, clearly furious but trying to contain it. Being on the receiving end of that intense ire sent chills down Abbie's spine but she held firm, knowing she was on the verge of getting through to the younger woman.
"And after you stopped? What did you do? Did you hit her for not giving you what you wanted? Did you tell her it was her fault? Did you belittle her about being too tight?" Abbie continued to push for a full disclosure of the events.
"No! I wouldn't…I couldn't, ever… It wasn't her fault, she couldn't help it. It's not like she deliberately tensed her muscles or anything. I told her it was her body's way of telling us she wasn't ready, not nearly ready," Alex admitted, the fire and anger draining from her almost as swiftly as it had risen.
"So after Olivia found you in a vulnerable and distressed state, she reached out to you, initiating physical contact despite you being unclothed. You shared a kiss which either of you could have instigated but in which both of you participated after which you led Olivia, at least semi-willingly, to bed, attempted to make love to her, which she made no attempt to prevent, and stopped when you realised she was physically incapable of consummating your coupling without experiencing pain. And then you went on to reassure her that you understood, that it was not her fault. Is that what you're telling me? Because if it is, and forgive me if I'm way off base here because I didn't work SVU as long as you have, that is quite possibly the weakest example of attempted rape ever presented and would never make it to court, let alone get a conviction." Abbie edged a little closer towards her tightly-wound friend, cautiously sliding one arm along the back of her shoulders, afraid that any sudden movement would cause her to bolt. "It was ill-advised, yes. It was too soon, yes. It must have been devastating, to think you caused her pain, of course. But it was consensual. Alex, from what you've told me, there was no point during the exchange where you ignored Olivia's freewill or prevented her from stopping you. There might be many reasons why she didn't, why she let it go as far as she did, just as I'm sure there are a lot of complex psychological roots in your own behaviour but it took both of you to act as you did for it to happen. You both bear the responsibility for it and will have to find some way to come to terms with it, without it destroying the closeness you share but I truly, honestly believe that if anyone can overcome all of these things, it's the two of you. The connection you have… you make even me want to find someone like that to see what all the fuss is about!" Abbie stated, only partially in jest. Seeing that her humour had fallen short of the mark, she tried to reassure her friend as best she could. "Look at this as just a temporary setback, a reminder of where you both are emotionally and psychologically right now, and how far you need to go to be where you need to be to take that next step. Any relationship is a marathon, rather than a sprint. You've had these feelings for long enough now to know that they won't go away if you wait a little while longer to act on them. And, Alex, just think of how incredible it is going to be on that day when you both are ready to act on your feelings, together, fully knowing that it's each other you want and that neither of you are pining for a phantom love that doesn't exist." Abbie pulled Alex in closer via the one-armed hug she was giving her, coaxing the younger woman to take a little comfort from the support being offered.
"I really hope you're right, Abbie," Alex admitted wistfully. "And I really hope it isn't too awkward between Liv and I until then. I'm not sure I can handle months or possibly years of treading on eggshells with one another."
"Then make sure it doesn't come to that. Forgive yourself for what happened this morning – and I'm not saying that'll happen overnight – but once you have, don't change how you are with her. In turn and in time, Liv too will relax again and any lingering tension will subside."
For a moment, the two women simply sat in silence, side by side, Alex's head resting lightly on Abbie's shoulder. With a deep sigh of resignation, the blonde attorney murmured a heartfelt, "thanks, Abbie. It's good to know I can count on you as a friend, despite what happened last time you were in town. And…just so you're under no illusion that you're losing your touch…I'll never regret that you were my first. If circumstances were different, and you were the relationship type, I'd have been interested to see where we could have taken what we had."
"If circumstances had been different…you might just have been the one woman I'd have made an exception for where relationships are concerned," the Texan conceded quietly, leaning forward to retrieve hers and Alex's food from where it lay abandoned on the table. This time, the ADA accepted the proffered muffin with a sweet, shy smile in her companion's direction, feeling a little more settled by their talk.
"So, given the circumstances, I think it would be unwise and unfair to thrust Liv into the limelight by dragging her along to this fundraiser on Friday. Would you… I mean, it sounds awful, like I'm only asking you because I can't take her but… I'd be really grateful if you'd accompany me to the Foundation fundraiser, if you think you could stand an evening of my company." Alex fiddled nervously with the final crumbs of her bran muffin, frustratedly folding the wrapper around them and tossing it back onto the coffee table. She reached for her latte, cradling that in her hands and staring intently at the lid as she waited for Abbie's response.
"I would be honoured to go with you to the Foundation fundraiser and I am sure I can not only stand your company but thoroughly enjoy it. I'll even be your decoy if you need one to fend off any particularly enthusiastic suitors your aunt sees fit to sic on you," Abbie offered benevolently, thinking an evening of pretending to have the arm of the stunning blonde Goddess, whose slender legs seemed to stretch on for miles.
"Be careful what you promise me, Miss Carmichael. I'm an attorney and will take your word as a legally binding verbal transaction," Alex retorted smartly, her humour returning as talk drifted away from the stressful situation that had occurred earlier that morning.
"Then I'll be sure to include a buyout clause that states I'll unashamedly ditch you should a better offer along!" Abbie purred, raising her own takeout cup of freshly ground coffee and proposing a mock toast. "To what is sure to be an entertaining evening and the continuance of a friendship I hope will stand the test of time."
Alex tilted her cup, knocking it gingerly against Abbie's and repeating the toast back to her with a genuine, warm smile.
In the next chapter, I will address the aftermath of the morning and the previous day/night from Olivia's point of view but I suspect that might take an *entire* chapter by itself! 'Til next time, good people, I bid you a fond farewell :)
