Mothers

As I expected, Brynjolf had left soon after our conversation though I received a letter a couple of days later from him that was mostly a progress report of how the hunt for the symbol-person was going. Attached, however, had been a short letter from Lynn in his hand writing wishing me well and asking how things had been going. I wrote her back, giving her letter to Farkas to give to a messenger.

I had insisted being able to get up and move around before the healers had approved the action which did not sit well with Vilkas so I often had to resort to sneaking out with the help of Ria or Farkas to walk the grounds, or practice archery or my sword fighting skills. When I tired I watched as they trained Jared. In the months since we had arrived, he had grown a couple of inches and his voice now occasionally cracked, causing him to blush.

A week later I was finally given approval to do some minor Companion duties though it felt more like a peace offering than anything. They didn't want me on any mission where I could get hurt (or make the Companions look like milk drinkers according to Njada) so I was left to patrol a road that Whiterun's guards frequently secured.

I rolled my shoulders, pulling out my bow and aiming it at the rabbit I could spot in the distance. It wasn't a hunting mission but I had heard Farkas mention that he had been desiring to have one for dinner and I knew that Aela never bothered with game that small. I drew the string, my muscles aching from lack of use, then fired. I missed the hare by inches and cursed as it skittered away.

"It will get better, you just have to keep practicing," Ria said cheerily.

I resisted the urge to snap at her, to tell her that I wasn't a child learning how to wield a bow. But I knew that she meant well and jogged off to retrieve the arrow instead as she followed on my heels.

"Why were you going after the hare anyway? Aela just got a bunch of game two days ago," Ria asked.

"Farkas mentioned craving one," I said as we began to patrol the road once more.

"You and Farkas are really close," Ria mentioned, and I heard a hint of something in her voice I couldn't quite figure out.

"Yeah, I guess so. The two of you have been really kind to me since I signed up for the Companions."

"He talks about you a lot."

I wasn't sure why that comment made me uncomfortable. Unable to come up with any intelligent retort, I resorted to, "Oh."

"There's a rumor that you two are sleeping together."

"What?" I asked, shocked, my footsteps briefly faltering. "Who told you that?"

"Torvar. He was drunk."

"When is he not drunk?"

"Is it true?" Ria asked.

"Of course not. Why would you believe him?"

Ria shrugged but then she stopped walking and in a sad voice, "I think he likes you."

I didn't know what to say or why her tone had taken an unhappy air. Was she upset because Farkas was talking about me (apparently " a lot")? Was she afraid of losing her best friend to some new relationship? Or…

I remembered the way she had looked at Farkas when he talked of Kodlak's stories, her eyes shining. I had assumed it was because she was elated to be a Companion, to hear their stories, to know she was making her own. I recalled her talking about her time since joining, many of her adventures including Farkas and how I had never heard her speak of him without enthusiasm. I tried to recall seeing her at the feast in honor of my joining, how she had looked at us dancing, but I couldn't picture her there as distracted as I was by everything that had happened that night.

"Ria –" I began, unable to keep the concern out of my voice.

"Well," she said, faking enthusiasm, "does he? Has he told you that he does?"

"Ria, I don't know what to say," I said dumbly.

Ria's smile faltered, her mouth turning down into a frown, the corners of her eyes hard. "Just tell me. Please, he's my friend. I can't seem to ask him myself."

"Yes, he has said that he has feelings for me."

"That's good. I – I hope you two will be happy together," Ria said, before returning to walking at a brisk pace.

"Ria," I called, jogging a bit to keep up with her. "It isn't like that. We're not together."

She stopped and turned to me. "You turned him down?" she asked, hesitantly.

"No, not exactly. I told him I had to think about it," I said. "I never thought of him like that so it came as a surprise when he told me."

"Do you think of him like that now?" she asked.

"I don't know," I said, sitting down on a large stump just off the road. I looked at my hands, palms turned upward in my lap. I looked at her, "How can you tell? How do you know if that's how you feel for someone?"

"I don't know. I think you just know," Ria said, taking a seat next to me. "Aren't you twenty five? Haven't you ever felt that way about...anyone?"

I look at my fingers, lacing and unlacing them. "Well, not really. I mean, maybe when I was younger but it wasn't anything serious. Most the people I met in Cyrodiil were with my mother's guild or their children. I didn't have a lot in common with them and I never seemed to fit in."

"Your mom was a mage right?" she asked and I nodded. "What about when you were older?"

I shrugged. "I joined the fighter's guild for awhile but those men didn't want to work with me, thought I was too small, too young, too female. I took some solo jobs but they never let me have anything that paid well. So I freelanced for awhile before my mother convinced me to come back and work for her."

"Wasn't that lonely?"

I took a deep breath, trying not to be annoyed at her questioning and the way it made me feel like punching something. I knew it was because she cared, but I didn't like the way her voice sounded like pity or the way what I was saying made me sound broken.

"I guess so? I didn't think about it."

"Didn't or refused to?"

The only thing I could do to avoid snapping at her was to say nothing.

"What about your mom?" Ria asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, you never talked to your mom about this sort of stuff?"

"No. She wasn't exactly easy to talk to. Everything always led back to magic, it was her answer for everything. If I wasn't happy than I should practice more. Magic was the only really rewarding thing for her. I think she had...relations. But they were always short, discreet."

"Oh. Well, then I guess I could tell you how I think a person knows what they feel." When I didn't object she continued, "You know how you feel because you can't stop thinking about them and you get nervous or excited to see them. You hurt when they hurt and are happy for them when they're happy, even if what makes them happy isn't you."

"Ria..." I said, at a loss for what to say. I almost confronted her about the last part but lost nerve. "But can't you feel that way about friends too?"

It was Ria's turn to shrug as she shifted beside me, "Yeah but it's different."

"Different how?"

"You just feel it."

I rolled my eyes, knowing she couldn't see me do so. Then, in a cheerier voice said sarcastically, "That's helpful."

Ria laughed. "I know. I mean, it's not always easy to tell, especially at first. And if you've...avoided ever thinking or feeling that way I guess it would be really hard to tell. Maybe I could ask you some questions?"

"Aren't you?" I asked.

"Specifically. Does he make you smile, do you feel happy when you're with him?"

That wasn't a difficult question and I answered rapidly, "Yes."

"Does he make your heart race, make you feel both afraid and like laughing at the same time?"

Before I could think about Farkas I thought of Brynjolf after I had gotten free of the Dark Brotherhood. I still remembered how he'd backed me into the tree, how fear for my self-preservation had turned into something more in moments. And I had run from there, from Riften, not long after.

I didn't dwell on that thought, the next coming rapidly. I thought of battling Vilkas that first day I had asked to undergo the trials to become a Companion. How my heart had beat faster, making me feel truly alive. I remembered falling on top of him as he we had taken each other down, and how the laughter from his own chest had shook my knees.

Then I thought of Farkas. I had felt nervous dancing with him, enough to border on nausea at first. I had been afraid of what everyone would think, of messing something up with my friend. I hadn't been excited at first. Then when the nervousness had faded, I had felt...comfortable. Farkas always felt comfortable. He was the best friend I had ever had, almost like family.

"No. It's hard to feel nervous around him. I trust him and feel comfortable with him," I said.

"That's good. But what about excited? Hasn't anything he ever did left you wanting something more? Maybe even something you really weren't sure about? Made your heart beat faster?"

"No, I mean..." I said. I had answered too quickly, before thinking. "What do you mean?"

"Like a smile or him touching your arm or sometime when the space between you was close? Have you never felt you wanted something more to happen?"

I thought about it for a moment but nothing came to mind. "I can't think of anything but I don't think I'd really know. I haven't been paying attention to that sort of thing until he told me and that was right before we went after the Vampires."

Ria didn't say anything at first before finally saying, almost reluctantly, "That makes sense."

"This bothers you, doesn't it?" I asked before thinking better of it.

"Yes," she said. "At least if you liked him back I would know. And if you didn't, I would know. But not knowing what is going to happen between you two is making me feel crazy. He's my best friend, and you're a good friend, things will be different if you two get together."

I got the impression that wasn't the only concern she had about Farkas and me but decided not to push her. Instead I stood up and held out a hand to her to help her up which she took, rising to her feet. We continued along the path in what felt like a grim, uncomfortable silence.

Until we heard the shrieking. At the same time Ria and I took off at a run down the road. I was wearing light armor Farkas had gotten me to wear until I was fully healed and it allowed me to sprint much quicker than my typical heavy armor, enabling me to reach the man before Ria.

His clothes showed signs of heavy wear, rips in some places revealing small sections of skin, other times patched using dark thick thread. He was covered in dirt from the road and was hopping on one foot, glaring at his wagon which had broken down. Though his clothes were faded and dirty, it was that the striped pattern had once had vibrant shades of red, yellow, green and blue. Now everything was a dull, almost brown color, save some strips of red. As he bounced the bells on his jester's hat sounded noisily.

"Hello," Ria said pleasantly to the man as she came up behind him. "What seems to be the problem?"

The Breton's pale grey eyes met mine. There was a sharpness in them I found unexpected. Suddenly his face went from one of anger to one of overwhelming glee. My hand reached for the dagger in my belt before I could think twice about it and his wide-eyes followed the movement.

In a screeching, pitchy sing-song voice, the man responded, "The wheel! The wheel, oh the stupid, wheel. It broke and I'm stuck. Stuck! Watch it, watch it! You're about to trip over Mother."

His head snapped to Ria who had started to look at the carriage's wheel that had been broken. To my right lie a large, plain box, the wood seeming to be in better condition than the carriage itself. From the looks of it, it had fallen out of the cart when the wheel had collapsed.

"Your mother?" Ria asked, startled and giving the coffin wide berth.

"Yes Mother. Well dead. Mother is deceased. Quite dead. We came to take her to her new resting place. But we're stuck. Stuck. Mother, how could this happen? Poor Cicero, poor Mother."

"Your mother's name is Cicero?" Ria asked.

"No no no. She's mother. I am Cicero, Cicero is me."

"Right," Ria said. "Is there anything we can do for you? Perhaps help get your...mother back into the carriage?"

The first thought in my head was: for free? Normally I would help out a stranger when it was convenient but we were the Companions and the man seemed to be off, likely out of his mind. At the very least he was annoying, his voice giving me a headache.

"Do? For me. Of course, oh yes, yes," he said, and began dancing, giggling. I tightened my grip on the dagger before forcing myself to let go of it. "I will pay you, yes a reward. Shiny clinky coin. Go to Loreius. He has tools, he can help. But he refused to help poor Cicero, turned us away. Go to him, convince him to help poor, poor Cicero and I will reward you with gleamy, shiny coin."

I took this as my sign to leave, heading toward the farm the little man had indicated to up the road.

"Stop, stop. Not you. You I need to help with Mother," the man said.

I looked at Ria, hoping she would say something to get me out of the situation but instead she said, "I can talk to Loreius, I did a job for him for free a year ago when his farm wasn't doing well. He owes me."

"Ria -"

"Bye," she said quickly, taking off at a jog up the hill.

"You, you will help poor Cicero, yes?" he asked.

I looked back at him, taking a deep breath as we positioned ourselves on either side of the box.

"You do not speak much. Silence your mistress?"

Only when I am wary. I didn't respond, just bent down to pick up the box which was much heavier than I had imagined. The coffin inside must have been made of some sturdy, thick material. With great effort we managed to maneuver his mother onto the carriage (if that was indeed what was within). When we were done, I wiped the sweat from my brow.

I didn't feel comfortable standing with Cicero who continued to babble on about the farmer and his mother and his plight but I tuned him out, arms crossed as I gazed at the farm. Ria was taking some time and I wanted nothing more than to return to Jorrvaskr and get far from this man and his "mother." I was thinking over the earlier conversation with Ria when I heard a sound like heavy breathing, and a scratching, like paper rustling or dead leaves in the wind.

"Do you hear that?" I ask finally.

"Hear? Hear what?" he asked.

I began looking around, looking under the carriage, and at the surrounding shrubberies along the road. The sound was getting louder, like whatever or whoever it was was getting nearer.

"What are you hearing?" he asked, sounding suddenly serious, angry.

I stopped looking for whatever the source of the noise was and turned to look at him, his eyes narrowed, head tilted. There was a dangerous look to him, like the madness within him would jump out and attack if I didn't answer him.

"I...it's nothing. Probably the wind," I said.

"Wind? There is no wind. Cicero knows you're lying, what are you hearing?" he asked, taking a sudden step forward.

"Loreius has agreed to help," Ria said. "He should be down with his tools in a few minutes."

"Oh good! Good, you were good to poor Cicero. And for your efforts coin! But before you go -" he began, the coins falling into Ria's palms.

As soon as the last coin had fallen into her hands, I grabbed her by the arm and quickly began to drag her away from the scene.

"Uh, thanks! Good luck with your mother," Ria said loudly over her shoulder. Then to me, "What's going on?"

"We need to get out of here."

She didn't question me, tucking the coins into her purse before we both began to take off at a run. The further the from the strange man we got, the quieter the noise got until it stopped altogether. Finally I slowed our pace down to a walk.

"What was that?"

"I just remembered something. I have to meet with someone in Whiterun before dinner, sorry," I said, lying too easily.

"Oh, ok. Well I'm sure he'll be alright now. Loreius is a good guy, a little paranoid about strangers, but that's just healthy out here alone."

I didn't tell her that it was Loreius she should be concerned about coming to harm, not Cicero. Rather, I trusted my instincts, continuing to put distance between us and the strange man and even stranger burden he was carting through Skyrim.


Author's Note: Sorry for the long break. Due to unexpected circumstances, I did not have enough written to buffer me when the semester began so I'm sorry for somewhat long hiatus. I hope to get back to publishing once a week again but it may turn into every-other-week depending on how things go. Thank you all for reading and please comment!