Hey hey hey! Back again, thankfully, but with a message. Next week, I won't update, I'm just too busy then, with various test and family parties and stuff like that and the week after that is actually my birthday, so I really don't know if I update then. But, definitely no update next week, but I'll try to update as soon as I can. Hope this isn't too disappointing, enjoy this chapter!

**SURPRISE! (not really it's a disclaimer, but still) I do not own Death Note or anything related to it. I only own my original storylines and characters. Also, I make typos. And I am often too lazy to correct them, so if you hate reading stories with typos, you've been warned.


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54. Pretend You Don't Know

There was a vault. Not anywhere here, but on L's secret floor. The one under the ground of the headquarters. It was right there that he kept it, that thing he found.

He remembered it well. The black Shinigami laughing as if nothing matters, Allison on the ground, the bruises already visible on her neck. And a pile of dust, with a gleaming thing grabbing his attention.

It kind of looked like a stone. It wasn't that, of course, he knew that much. It looked like a wicked flame was frozen in time and touchable, cold. The red flame was cold, always and seemed like something he couldn't quite explain. Something… new. Something odd. Something he would keep safe. Whatever it was, it was somehow related to the Death Note. And he knew all too well what the consequences of the Death Notes were.

Near didn't, of course. Not that it mattered. Near had always been surprisingly obedient. To L, then. Not to anyone else. L knew that much, even when Roger said that he was a sweet kid. L always saw Near behind the expressionless face. He always saw that boy that thought he knew better. Believed he knew better.

'We were staying in this hotel,' Near gave L a business card, stolen from the reception of the hotel, or perhaps given when asked. 'I wanted to go immediately, but Matt and Mello did not agree. So I snuck out and went on my own.'

'How did you know where to find us?' L asked the boy.

He shrugged. 'You wouldn't stay in town, or any of the hotels, not if you could avoid it and at the police station where she used to work, I heard someone on the phone talking about a headquarters. Took me about one hour to find out where exactly this headquarters were.'

One hour, interesting. Not as fast as L would've predicted. But then again, Near had been kidnapped, who knew in what state the boy was really in.

'And how did you escape?' L then asked.

The mask of the boy locked in place, although L was unsure why. It was like he had two masks. The one which allowed moved, which allowed a glimpse of a person to shine through. And then you had this one. Like a gigantic wall around him protecting him. L wasn't sure if he should be proud or angry whenever he saw that mask, but he usually just felt… empty. And maybe a little bit sad.

'We didn't escape,' Near finally answered and L's eyes narrowed. Was Beyond following them? Did he know where they were now?

No, that did not make any sense. He probably already knew exactly where L was. He always did.

'Can you clarify that statement?' L asked.

Near locked eyes in a way that made normal people often uncomfortable. He didn't just look at you. It was like he threw fish hooks at you and they locked in your eyes, pulling you in the deep water of his eyes. L never had this, but he could easily imagine it. After all, his eyes were similar in that way. 'Our captor let us escape.'

Now this was new information. L found himself leaning into the conversation. 'Who was your captor?' He asked, as if he did not know the answer.

The truth was, he really did not know. When Near looked at him and uttered the word, L was utterly surprised. 'A.'


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'I think you're supposed to hit that butt— Oh. Never mind.'

Matsuda walked away from the screen I was using, as if he just now remembered which of us had spent most of their career behind a screen.

I was looking through the files. They kept track of all the criminals that had been dying, of course, but nothing really useful. That was probably all of L's computer, or maybe Watari's?

I remembered hacking into the system of L's network long ago, but now that I tried again, I found myself unable to. So, how did I do that, back then? Was I crazy for assuming that I had? Had he actually let me in?

'Don't be upset, I didn't really let you in,' a voice from behind me said.

I turned my chair around and saw Ryuzaki standing there, in the doorframe of the main room, a big room of space between him and me. He started to walk towards me, but only after putting his hands in his pockets. 'You were skilled with computers, I heard from the chief and I read your file, knew your profile. I guessed that you would at least try. So I enabled a small part of my hard drive, nothing important, to be hacked into. But still, to hack into that, you had to have great skill. And then you were in the program and you started… working. You weren't snooping around, you actually hacked with a plan in mind.' He shook his head, as if he tried to get rid of an idea in his head. 'It was… intriguing.'

'Who was that boy, Ryuzaki?' I asked, ignoring Matsuda's presence as Ryuzaki was doing, too. Matsuda never sat behind the gigantic desk full of screens, he always took place at the table. Perhaps he felt awkward, perhaps he just did not want to be near me.

'Near,' he explained. Nothing more.

'I got that much.'

He didn't seem surprised by my answer, but he did smile, as if he liked my answer. Seriously, this man was getting more and more confusing by the day.

I hit him. Not hard, but just a bit. I hadn't done that for a long time. It felt… weird. It felt like we were younger, suddenly, without the world around us. Like we'd only just met. Like there was no history here. Yeah. Right.

We both looked at each other like we wanted to say something, but then, he looked away with a sigh, almost sounding annoyed, and then back at me with a totally different expression. 'Listen, he wants to see you, anyway, so I think it's best if he introduces himself. If you agree, that is.'

Well, since when did Ryuzaki ever care whether I agreed or not? I looked at him, confused, surprised. Also annoyed. He should've started asking me my opinion ages ago.

'I will meet him,' I said.

'No,' Ryuzaki then replied, confusing me. Didn't he just say so? But then he continued. 'You will watch over him. For a while. I will fetch the others.'

'Others?' I asked and immediately regretted it. Others, like Near. Others, like L.

'Yes,' he said with a smile, then gave me a pat on the head, like he did before. What was that about?

I waited for Ryuzaki to leave, then asked Matsuda: 'do you ever pat girls on the head, Matsu?'

Instant blush and of course a very confused look. 'What? No I don't, what girl, I mean, I never—'

I tried to not roll my eyes, and I succeeded, for a change. 'I'm not asking you to tell me your romantic history, am I? I'm just asking you whether that it something you do.' I narrowed my eyes after I clarified, ready to spot his reaction.

His reaction surprised me. He seemed to actually understand more than I did at the moment. 'Ooh, it's about that isn't it? Yeah, Ryuzaki already asked me about that.'

'About what?' I asked, now seriously confused.

'On the phone,' Matsuda replied, completely confused again. 'He asked me how he could praise and comfort someone without, you know, being a douche.'

I narrowed my eyes even more. 'What? Sorry, again, his exact words.'

'As if I remember!' Matsuda said, suddenly stressed. 'It was just… he said that I was better at the social thing than the thinking thing, which I thought was a bit mean, but anyway, he said that and asked what I would do if I wanted to comfort a person I wasn't comfortable with touching.'

Wasn't comfortable with touching? What did that mean?

I didn't say anything, waiting for Matsuda to continue.

Matsuda slowly seemed to sink in his chair. 'And I said that I wasn't sure what he meant and he said that I should that on my name tag, so people know who they're dealing with and then I said that he could just verbally comfort the person and then I think he laughed at me.'

I tried to hold in my laugh as I heard that, but instead, I found myself gently saying: 'and then?'

Matsuda scratched the back of his head. 'Well, after that, he explained that there was a person who he wanted to touch, but couldn't. And I thought, ah, he is talking about someone in a relationship, or maybe someone who is mad at him? So he asked me how to approach a person like that. And I said that avoiding physical contact might be better and when he asked what he could do, I said he could just praise that person. Pat them on the head, that kind of stuff. Why, did you see him do it? Are you mad at him?'

I just stared at him. He explained that there as a person who he wanted to touch, but couldn't.

Wanted to touch, but couldn't.

Wanted to touch, but couldn't.

He patted me on the head. Me.

He wanted to touch me, but couldn't.


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When they knocked on the door, she knew exactly who it was. For a short while, she considered not opening, jumping out of a window and leaving. But with L was probably the one and only place where she would be moderately save from Beyond Birthday. And right now, she really needed that.

She recognised the knocks. He still knocked the same. Like he was happy and angry at the same time. Yes, that fitted the description perfectly.'

She opened the door and leaned against the doorframe immediately, as if nothing bothered her. 'Hey, old man,' she said to the man looking absolutely shaking by her presence. 'Did you come to take me, too?'

He looked like he was completely at loss of words. Good. 'I-I-I I don't understand.'

'Great!' she responded. 'That's a first for you, isn't it. Now, I will pack my things, you go inform little Ellie that I'm still alive.'

It took about – what, ten seconds? For the old boss to tell the big boss. His knocks were lazier, but also hastier. Those two really seemed like family sometimes.

Though, in a way, they were, of course.

She opened the door again, taking the exact same position again. He really had not changed much. Just… grown. And his hair became even more of a mess. She didn't even know that was possible. 'Hey, El El. Come to take me away, again? Though, I do suppose, the previous time, it wasn't exactly me, but another body.'
Oh, that face of his! Hilarious. Maybe being caught by L was worth it after all.

'Ah, L, did you really care so little about me? The burned body might have been my size and of the female sex, but everybody knows that I really dislike fires. If I were to kill myself, I'd rather drown in the lake. Not that you would know.' She gave him a death glare now, finally unleashing some anger. 'You know nothing about any of us.'

She was surprised when the surprise on his face washed off. Like he wasn't surprised at all, anymore. Like nothing could surprise the man. Dammit, he was beyond irritating. 'I think I know more than enough, Anthea. Or are you finally going to tell me your real name?'

'Why would I?' she spat, her calm voice making her more irritated. She had forgotten how much she hated that voice. She wasn't thankful for the reminder.

He stuck his hands in his pockets (a rather un-charming habit) and shrugged. 'I don't know, maybe because you're under arrest.'

She couldn't help but roll her eyes. 'Oh no, I'm so frightened.' She gave them her hands, ready to be taken away. 'Here you go, enjoy cuffing them. Again,' she said, even though, they came with real chains instead of metaphorical ones.

But she was pretty sure she preferred these. These were much more easily broken.


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I didn't see Ryuzaki for a while. He was gone, of course, but I saw Watari and he informed me that he was in fact back, just not here, with me. He was "busy". Yes, I knew L was actually busy, but I felt like I had made a much more important discovery.

He wanted to touch me, but couldn't.

It was already late when Watari finally told me that Ryuzaki was hearing people in the rooms that substituted for a prison. Which was a really weird fact that – even though Matsuda had told me – I did not believe until I walked out of the elevator and saw a floor that looked more like a police station or prison then a detective's headquarters. There were three places where there were tables and chairs, ready to talk to people. None of the rooms where empty. The first one, there was one boy. Blond hair, over the shoulders, tired, thin. And he looked, annoyed mostly. But clean. I saw remainder of nail polish on his nails. He couldn't see me through the window, of course, which made it easier to stare.

The second one held another boy. Red brown hair, thin, tired, worse. He looked worse than the other one. Was this the way they were treated? Awful. Just. Awful.

I stopped walking. L was sitting in front of this boy and asking question in his soft voice. He couldn't see me either. I wondered if Watari had already told him I was coming. I wondered if Ryuzaki already knew that I was here, even without confirming it.

'Did you meet A before your kidnapping?' he asked the boy.

The boy just shook his head, but I saw his lips move, making the word: 'no.'

Ryuzaki wrote this down. 'And you, till this date, are unaware of what she has been doing these couple of years?'

'I have no idea what she has been doing, L,' he answered and even though I saw a glass of water on the table in front of him, he looked and sounded thirsty. Take a sip, I wanted to tell him, but couldn't.

'And you didn't question her loyalty towards you?' Ryuzaki asked.

'No,' he answered quickly.

'Why not?'

'I didn't care whether her loyalties lied with me or not. I didn't care whether she would betray me or not,' the boy answered.

A short silence. 'And why didn't you, Matt?'

Still staring at the table, the boy gave a confident, but also kind of ashamed answer. 'Because I am in love with her.'

Silence. Utter silence. And I knew he wasn't talking about me, but the situation felt so intimate, that I suddenly felt myself blushing.

As if he could detect that, Ryuzaki's eyes suddenly moved to the window, which seemed like a mirror within that room. For a second, I thought he could see me, but then he looked away again, with a sigh.

'Questioning paused on 22:13,' Ryuzaki then said and I watched him as he clicked on the buttons on the recording device, after which he stood from his chair. 'Excuse me for a moment,' he said.

I was ready for it, I thought. The moment he walked out of the door, I would confront him. But when he stepped into the hallway, looked at me with almost dead-looking eyes and then away from me as he walked towards the elevator, I lost confidence.

I quickly glanced to the boy – Matt – once more. He had sounded ashamed, yes. But not necessarily because he was in love with her. I believed he was ashamed because he had to admit it, to someone who he probably considered as his respected elder, a man above emotions.

Except…

'Ryuzaki!' I shouted as I started to run. I caught up with him, but before I could come too close, he suddenly said: 'Stop.'

I was so surprised that I obeyed. 'What's wrong?'

He breathed in so deeply that I could hear every part of that breath. And then he turned around and looked at me. 'I am. Wrong, I mean. I can't sit there, questioning my successor about this, not when I'm like this.' He took one step forward. I didn't move. Another step. I still didn't move. He didn't move forward, instead he spoke: 'I want to, of course, continue this. Tell him that it was stupid to let sentiment get the better of him, that he should never have trusted her, that he was the reason that the enemy was now so close to me, killing distance, but with my hands tied. The only ones who can lock him up are witnesses – and two are confusing to participate.'

'So?' I asked, not getting the point. 'Why can't you tell him?'

Another step forward and I once again did not move. A few more and we would be close enough to feel each other's breath on our faces. While speaking, he moved forward again. 'How can I criticize my potential successor for letting his feelings cloud his judgement – ' he stopped, so close to me that I swear I could smell him ' – when I've been doing the exact same thing of months?'

His voice almost broke at the end.

This was not a confession. I knew that. But this was L. This might be the only confession I would get out of him. And should that not be rewarded?

'Ryu—'

He was trying to step away again, to create distance, but I wouldn't let him. 'Don't—' he said as he still tried to move away until I lost my patience.

'Stop it!' I shouted.

He seemed so surprised that he stopped. Funny. We were both so full of surprises today. And here was one more.

I grabbed one of his hands and put it against my cheek. I felt it. How his fingertips curl around it, as if they'd wanted to do that, as if they'd imagined doing that. I didn't forcefully hold the hand, but he let it there, on my face, looking at me as if I was some sort of miracle.

Then there came the hard part. It wasn't hard to admit, not for me, but saying it to his face? I had no idea what that would do to him. 'Sentiment and feelings aren't always bad. For example, I will protect you with my life,' I told him and he did not look surprised to hear it. Well, maybe my next words would surprise him. 'Because I love you.'


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Oh boy! Where will this go? Sorry for the cliffhanger, it really isn't intentional, I just like to end my chapters on a good ending for a chapter and this seemed to fit, so yeah. I see you guys soon, sorry for being busy all the damn time.


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InsaneUnicornCupcake: ah, no, L cannot see the lifespans, as he has the eyes in his possession, but he hasn't taken them because he doesn't know how. And it's pretty difficult to freak me out, believe me, feel free to yell at me (I come from a family with six children, if I wasn't used to yelling by now, I would be dead). And I always want to hug everyone, they're such cuties. And I think that we don't really see a human side of Near in the manga? I mean, not really. Not much. So that was what I tried to achieve. I think he is a boy who is convinced he is living like a thinking machine, without realising that he is clearly not (you are playing with hand puppets, Near, of course you're not.) And yayy! Three times is the charm, or something like that. I don't know what I'm saying. But I love your reviews, so I'm celebrating with you! (since I have no life, either. I would love some brownies *sigh*) Bye bye! Until next times! *falls down the stairs* *gets back up* I'm fine, didn't fall, what are you talking about. ;D

bored411: I updated! You proud? Also, since I normally reply to my reviews by reading them through my e-mail, I only now noticed that your profile picture is David Tennant?! Like, how can I not have known that, that is amazing. Love that guy so much. Wait… what was I talking about? Oh yeah, thank you for still reading and enjoying my story and sorry I don't update as much as I would like to. It's weird how difficult it has become to keep the "one chapter a week"-policy going.

EmeraldHeart1203: Ah, well I explained how it went, going away from the canon even more, I know, don't hate me, please… Hmm and that is indeed an interesting thing to hold in mind when writing Near… I should really write that down so I don't forget… but I do feel like he would hold himself to a higher standard while meeting L, especially since I want to make sure that the audience isn't sure whether this is the first time he meets him or not. I think he has more confidence than, for example, Mello has and that's why he is calm, but I'm not sure. Dang, your idea is good… Need to write it down somewhere… And yeah, I miss him, too, in a weird way. I miss nice Light. Even nice Light was kind of sassy. I liked that, Anyway, thanks for reviewing, bye bye!

Andrahz: Thank you so much, dear! And yes, I would love to write that! But if I did, it would probably be after finishing this story, because that's what's most important for me right now. But it does sound like a wonderful idea!


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