Not Yourself
"Do you remember when we first took Raimy on vacation? I think she was like… one. Maybe even younger." Punk said, lying in bed through the night as AJ lay into him, using his shoulder as a pillow as she just listened to him talking, "And it was like… the worst but best trip ever. We lost our luggage, didn't we?"
"Yeah." AJ smiled to herself, "We joke about cutting the curtains up and just making clothes for ourselves." She nodded.
"Yeah." Punk smiled, "And then it came eventually and your perfume had leaked all over your clothes." He nodded.
"Now I know to put everything in a plastic bag." AJ nodded.
"Yeah, we've became expert travellers." Punk said.
"Well not quite." AJ said, "Remember when we went to Hawaii?" She asked as he laughed and nodded.
"I try not to." He teased as AJ smiled. He was doing everything he could just to take her mind off of everything, to soothe her and calm her down, to take any sad thoughts out of her head and fill them with all the fun, amazing and wonderful memories they had. It seemed to be working, but every time he heard her laugh, it quickly stopped.
"I feel like a terrible mother." AJ shook her head as Punk sighed.
"April." Punk shook his head.
"I do." AJ nodded. Her thoughts were so negative but she couldn't help it. She just felt so down and low. She was still finding it hard to even accept the conversation with her husband, and not that it was anything to do with him, he was quite frankly amazing, but she just couldn't face it. She felt weak and defeated, and all she could think about was that feeling of helplessness that she'd experienced again. That feeling of entrapment that she hadn't felt since she was a teenager.
"You are not a bad mother." Punk said, "You're amazing."
"I've abandoned them all week." AJ shook her head.
"No you haven't. You're struggling and it's not a bad thing to admit that." Punk said, playing with her hair as she lay into him, "What happened to you was frightening and awful, and you're allowed to feel the affects from it. You're not expected to just move on from it so easily." He assured her.
"I can't just quit being a mom until I feel better." AJ shook her head, "And at this point I feel like it's never going to get better. I worked so hard at forgetting all of that part of my life. Everything that happened to me." She said, "And now it's just in my head again constantly." She said, "Just being used like you mean nothing. Not having any say in anything. No control over your own body." She said, "I worked so hard to forget how that felt." She said, "And now it's all I'm feeling." She whispered as Punk sighed.
It was hard to hear and see his wife like this. She was so low and down, and she had every right to be. He just struggled with the fact he couldn't really help her. It wasn't like a broken leg where he could get her a cushion, pain meds or whatever. He was just doing all he could to make sure she didn't feel alone.
"You'll get back to the place you were in before." Punk nodded, "It's just gonna take a little bit of time and I'll help you. Your life doesn't have to stop. You can take each day as it comes. Take time off work. Focus on you-"
"Focusing on me is exactly what I don't want to do." AJ sighed.
"Look I'm not gonna push you to do anything you don't want to." Punk said, "But maybe if you got out the house, take James out whilst the girls are at school, even just take him to the park or something… it could take your mind off of a lot." He said. He was only saying what he felt was ok advice, but he wasn't sure where her head was at.
"You don't understand." AJ said quietly.
"You're right. I don't and I'm sorry I don't, but I just don't want you to isolate yourself in your own thoughts." He said.
"It just won't get out of my head." AJ sighed. She just couldn't get rid of all her agonising thoughts. When she closed her eyes, she saw Paul's face. She heard his voice. She hadn't properly told anyone what he had said to her. She just couldn't bring herself to talk about it. She just felt the weight of the world on her shoulders, and she felt like she couldn't be that strong, fiery fighter anymore. It was too much.
"I bet all those years ago you didn't think you could get through it then.. and you did." Punk reminded her, "You became this strong, confident badass." He nodded, "And you'll do it again."
"I had no choice back then. I had to keep moving on. I had to keep fighting." AJ said.
"And you can keep fighting." Punk nodded, "If not for yourself then for the kids." Punk nodded, "They miss you being around."
"I let them down." AJ sighed, "Raimy was hit. I should never have let that happen." She shook her head.
"Raimy is ok now. All three of them are safe." He assured her, "Don't torture yourself with what ifs." Punk said.
"Well I am." AJ sighed, rolling over onto her other side in bed with her back facing him.
"April." He stroked her back softly.
"You should get to sleep. You don't have to stay up all night talking to me like I'm a child." AJ sighed.
"I'm just trying to take your mind off of things." Punk said.
"I know. Thank you." AJ nodded, "But you should sleep." She told him as he sighed.
"April." He said. It was sad to see her this way, all he wanted to do was hold her and kiss her, make sure she was ok, "Hey." He said, shuffling over, placing his hand on her hip, nudging her neck with his nose to give himself access, kissing her neck softly as AJ closed her eyes, cupping his cheek from behind, "I'm not letting you shut me out." He told her.
She turned around on her back, looking into his eyes as she stroked her fingers down his face. The only real bonus she had this time around was that she really wasn't alone. She had a family and she knew that meant everything when difficult times arisen.
She leaned up, kissing him softly as he kissed back, cupping her face as she nudged his hips. He took the hint and moved over her, kissing down to her neck as she placed her hands on his back, closing her eyes over as she let him take her away someplace else, out of her head.
She ran her hands down his back and into his boxers, moving them around to the front as she felt him hard, stroking him up and down as he moaned softly in her ear, resting his head on her shoulder as she kissed his neck.
"Please…" AJ whispered, "Just make it go away." She said quietly as he lifted his head a little and looked at her, cupping her face and kissing her lips, one of his hands moving down to her shorts to pull them down whilst she took care of his own.
"He settled between her legs and pushed himself inside of her as she rolled her head back and moaned. He ran his hands under her t-shirt, cupping her breasts under as he began thrusting inside of her, feeling her legs wrap around him, holding him close as she brought his face down for a kiss. She just wanted to be taken out of her spinning mind.
The next morning, Punk woke up by James sitting beside him on AJ's side of the bed, running his cars and trucks over his father's arms and chest. Punk groaned a little, his eyes screwed up as he looked up at James.
"Hi." James smiled.
"Morning, buddy." Punk nodded tiredly, looking over and realising AJ was out of bed, looking over to the bathroom door which was opened and visibly showing no one was in it, "Hey, is mommy downstairs?" He asked the three year old who shrugged, "Right." Punk nodded, sitting up and getting out of bed, picking James up and taking him out of the room.
"Viv and Raimy are still asleep." James told Punk who nodded, walking down the stairs in his boxer shorts. It was still pretty early, but James was an early riser so it wasn't abnormal to be awake at this time.
He was glad AJ had actually left the bedroom, he was hoping their very intimate night had helped her feel even just a little better. He just wanted her to feel loved and taken care of during her struggles.
He walked into the living room and once noticing AJ wasn't there, he walked on through to the kitchen, puzzled when he realised that AJ wasn't there either.
"Hey, did you hear mommy go out?" Punk asked James, sitting him down on the kitchen chair as he rolled his trucks around the table.
"No." James shook his head, "I just woke up." He shrugged as Punk nodded, turning around and looking down the hall to the front door.
He walked over to where his phone was charging, taking it off charge and giving AJ a call, but all he heard was her phone ringing in the living room, rolling his eyes as she'd obviously forgot to take it, wherever she was. He wasn't sure where she would be so early in the morning, especially feeling the way she was. He was a little bit worried.
"Daddy, what's for breakfast?" James asked curiously as Punk scratched the back of his head.
"Uh… I'll fix you something up." Punk assured him, hoping AJ would walk through the door some time soon.
Meanwhile AJ was at their local mini supermarket. She was in her shorts and t-shirt, which in minus degrees weather, got a lot of people staring at her. She'd really just got right out of bed and left the house.
She stood in front of the candy aisle, looking on as she saw a woman at the corner of her eye looking at her.
"You want to take a picture of me?" AJ spat, turning to her as the woman just carried on shopping down the aisle. AJ then got a glimpse of herself in the fridge reflection, running her hands over her hair as it was pretty messy and all over the place, but she was too fixed on what she came to the store for.
AJ grabbed some jelly candy, walking around to the cashier and sitting them down as the man serving her looked at her.
"What?" AJ shook her head.
"N-Nothing." The younger man dismissed, putting the candy through the cash desk, "Six dollars." He nodded as AJ paused, chuckling to herself and doubling over the desk.
"I've forgot my money." AJ laughed, "I'm so stupid." She shook her head as the man looked at her.
"I can't serve you these then." He said calmly.
"I can… I can bring it round later." AJ shrugged, reaching out for the candy as the man took it from her.
"I'm sorry, you can't take them without paying." He nodded.
"But they're for my kids." AJ said, "Look… one, two, three." She pointed to the three packs, "They're for them so… just give me them." AJ shrugged frantically.
"Miss, I can't give you them. I can hold them here for you until you come back with money." He said reasonably.
"I want to give them it now." AJ demanded, scratching her arms frantically as the man looked at her, "Just give me them, it's fine." AJ chuckled, "Please." She smiled sweetly.
"I can't." The man said, looking over at her, "You know you have… no shoes on, right?" He looked at her as AJ looked down at her feet, nodding to herself.
"Yeah, I know." She whispered to herself, "Yes." She looked up at him, "I just… I just like… 6 minutes away." AJ shrugged.
"It's minus degrees outside. I… I can give you my jacket if you want." He said. He saw a woman clearly in stress with herself, with something, and he was just trying to help.
"Why would I want your jacket?" AJ questioned angrily, "Stay… stay away from me." She warned him as he put his hands up with confusion.
"Miss, is there anyone I can call to come get you?" The man asked as AJ shook her head.
"No… No, I'm fine." AJ shook her head, "I'm fine." She whispered to herself whilst an older woman kept an eye on her, "I'm fine." She repeated as the older woman walked over to the desk.
"Six dollars?" The lady made sure as the cashier nodded, "Here." She extended over the money, taking the candy and handing it to AJ who turned to her, "For your children?" She nodded as AJ took it from her.
"Y-Yeah." AJ gulped.
"I'll walk you home, honey. Come on." The lady smiled sweetly, taking AJ around the arm and leading her out of the store as AJ looked at her, "Why you got no shoes on?" She asked casually, not making it a big deal as she saw AJ was very much in need of some sort of help.
"I… I just live here." AJ nodded with a smile.
"It's minus 6 degrees out." The woman looked up at her, dressed in her hat and scarf as AJ looked at her, "You'll catch the death of cold." She said as AJ looked at the candy in her hands.
"That man in there wouldn't give me these." AJ told her.
"Because you had no money, sweetie." The woman nodded, "You forget your wallet? Huh?"
"Y-Yeah." AJ nodded to her, "Do I know you?" She wondered as the woman smiled sweetly and shook her head.
"No, but it's ok. We'll get you home." She nodded to her as AJ just nodded.
She managed to get home, thanking the sweet stranger who walked her all the way to her doorstep. She then walked into the house, closing the door behind her as Raimy came out from the living room.
"Mom?" She said in a questionable tone as she looked on at AJ. She was in shorts and t-shirts, her hair was all over the place and she now had dirty feet.
Vivian suddenly appeared, staring at her mother and turning to Raimy, "Why does she look like that?" Vivian asked as Raimy watched her mother.
Punk then came down the stairs, "What the hell, April?" Punk shook his head, noticing the girls were standing there, "Girls go… go fix your bags for school." He told them as they just stood there staring at their mother, "Girls, go." Punk told them again as they eventually ran down to the kitchen.
"April, what…" He looked at her, realising she had actually been out without any shoes, without any jacket, without proper clothing, "What are you doing?" He asked with concern.
"I uh… I was getting the kids some candy at the store." AJ nodded, showing him as Punk looked at her, "Here, put it in their… their lunch boxes." She said, putting the candy in his hands and nodding.
"April, are you ok?" Punk asked worriedly as she just walked by him, slowly walking up the stairs as he watched her, looking down at his hands which had absolutely nothing in it. She had passed him thin air and he realised she was seeing something that wasn't there. Now he was extremely worried about her.
