CHAPTER 54
There's a crack in Sookie's armor and the only one that is able to fix it, is Pam.
SPOV
SATURDAY: NIGHT
I had written many things in my life, but never had I ever written a suicide note. I was writing one now. Not to inform my loved ones that I would be leaving them, but to fulfill a promise to Rene's sister and to all the women who have fallen prey to him. I typed up Rene's note and recited the information to Thalia. I had her recall it back to me twice before allowing her to leave to have it printed on Rene's printer in his apartment. His thoughts in those moments before his death provided me with all I needed to know to make his last words ring true. I didn't know how Eric was disposing of the body, but I didn't really care. My part was done. I sat back in Eric's chair and let my mind wander through all the people in the club; all so oblivious to what had transpired just below their feet. I closed my eyes and reached out for Amelia with my telepathy. Her mind was always so positively radiant, her energy and her joy for life was infectious. She was enjoying herself and at this moment was thinking about Hoyt spinning her around in a circle. The sound of the door opening pulled me away from her thoughts. I opened my eyes to see Eric.
"You're still here." He said.
Physically I was, but I felt like my mind was miles away. "Just thinking."
He sat on the sofa and reclined onto the side, "About?"
"The house in Bon Temps." I lied.
I saw him bristle slightly at my answer, but he didn't push. We both stared at each other and he finally said, "Come."
I stood from his chair and went to him. I reclined on the sofa with him and laid my head on his chest. I breathed in deeply and expelled the air from my lungs trying to shake away this cloud that had come over me.
"I want you to go to your cousins." He said and surprise came over me at his unexpected suggestion.
I turned in his embrace and said, "Why?"
"I think a change in venue would be wise. Just for tonight." He said and ran his hand along my shoulder and I watched it move down my arm.
"What about you and Amelia?" I asked once his hand had reached my own.
"Ms. Broadway will be fine; I'll make sure she gets home safe. I will be fine. I worry about you. Spend the rest of the night with them and I'll see you tomorrow night." Eric said and lifted my hand in his to kiss it.
I searched the bond and all I found was his love for me. It was unspoken what he was doing, but I knew he was giving me the space I needed to come to terms with what I had done.
"Okay. I'll see you, tomorrow night." I said and pulled myself up to his face to kiss him softly on the lips.
"I love you Sookie." He said and held me to him.
"I know." I said in a soft voice and disappeared from his arms.
SUNDAY: DAY
The next morning, I returned to an empty firehouse after spending the night with Claude and Claudine in Monroe. I had missed seeing Amelia because she had left early in the morning to make it back to New Orleans. I didn't feel too bad about not seeing her because I would have the opportunity to see her next weekend, because I had planned to visit with Cataliades and his nieces. I found a note on the kitchen table from Amelia saying she had taken the pieces of my necklace left on my dresser and that she had a good time this weekend; even with me being a lame-ass and checking out early on her. The last part I assumed Eric had provided as a cover for my early leave. I felt for Eric in the bond. He was not here in the firehouse, so he must have stayed at our home for the day. I changed clothes to go to Bon Temps and ate a sizable breakfast before driving over there to check on the status of the renovation.
It was Sunday, but Eric had paid Alcide and his crew enough to work every single day until the project was done. So, when I arrived at the farmhouse there was a bustle of activity going on. I parked at the front because all of the trucks and vans had taken up the spots in the rear of the house. I made my way through the house and went to go find Alcide. After asking the other workers, they directed me upstairs to the rear bedroom. I stood in the doorway and waited for Alcide to finish supervising the insulation they were putting into the walls. My eyes moved around the room observing the fine layer of dust on every surface to the tarps and plastic coverings draped along the windows.
"Sookie? Is that you?" Alcide said as he turned around with work goggles on his face. He wiped them with a rag and came over toward me.
"Of course it's me." I said from the doorway.
"What do you think of everything so far?" He asked and gestured in a circle.
"It's hard to tell, but if I don't like it I guess I would have you do it again until I do." I said in a serious voice.
"You would." He said with his hands on his hips.
"You know it." I said holding none of the earlier seriousness.
"So, you came all the way out here to look over my shoulder?" He asked.
"No, I came to work." I said honestly.
"To work?" He said and looked at me curiously.
"I want to be a part of the process. Give me something to do." I urged.
He tapped his chin for a moment and considered my request, "Okay. Mack, are we done in the spare bedroom?"
"Yeah boss." Mack said. Alcide's foreman was a very capable and nice guy. It was a shame that everyone including Alcide would be glamoured at the end of this project.
"Do you know how to paint Sookie?" He asked.
"Yes." I said.
"Then come with me."
Ten minutes later I was wearing coveralls with the paint sprayer ready in my hand. I started with a layer of primer and soon the room was a bright white; a blank canvas calling out for color. I continued painting the first layer using the brush to get into all the small crevices and taking my time around the only window in the room. I considered boarding up the window because Eric was staying there, but opted instead to have a metal shutter installed; similar to the ones that Eric had in our house in the woods. The window would always be closed during the day, but allow in the moonlight at night. I had finished with my task just before lunch and wanted to keep busy, while the paint dried so I needed to find Alcide.
I thought better of moving and decided to just holler for him. I removed the paint respirator and goggles from my face and called out, "Alcide!"
He came running into the room, "What's wrong? You mess up?"
"No." I continued to shed the coveralls that I was wearing to protect my clothes and said, "I want to do something else, while I wait to do the second coat."
He became thoughtful for a moment, and then handed me the hammer on his tool belt. "Take this and come with me outside."
I followed him onto the porch and he unhooked a pouch off of his tool belt and tossed it on the ground.
"Just put a nail into each mark in red. Once that's done we can sand the boards down. Any questions?" He said and turned to me.
"I think I can handle it." I said.
"All right. I'll be inside. Holler if you need me." Alcide turned and walked back into the house.
I twisted the hammer in my hand, getting used to the weight and the pull on my wrist. I knelt down next to the bag of nails and took one between my fingers. I put the point of the nail over the red mark and my hand started to shake, I steadied myself and tried again. Once more, my hand had a hard time trying to remain still. I dropped the nail and got another one, this time breathing out before I stood the nail upright. I didn't think about it and I held it squarely on its point then brought the hammer down on its head. I struck down and released the hold of the nail. Then I felt dizzy and stood abruptly, dropping the hammer. I leaned over the railing and purged whatever food I had in my stomach into the bushes.
My head felt heavy and I stayed in that position, staring into the ground. I lifted my head up and I saw Claude's head come out from behind a tree. I waved him off, telling him to stay where he was. Then I heard the front door slam open.
"Sookie! You okay?" Alcide asked, leaning over with me.
"I'm fine." I said still keeping my head over the railing.
"Did you eat something bad for breakfast?" He asked.
"No. I'll be fine." I said holding my hair back.
"You look pale. I'll get you some water." He said and left my side.
"Okay." I said.
I stayed in that position feeling the blood pooling in my head. I knew I should stand up straight, but the urge to empty my stomach was still strong. Hitting the nail into that red mark, brought me back to the basement and to Rene's still form as I stabbed at his insides. Now, I felt torn and sick. I didn't wait for Alcide to return with my water. I left Bon Temps and crawled into my empty bed in the firehouse and curled up my body until I fell into a dreamless sleep.
SUNDAY: NIGHT
"Sookie, Sookie." I heard a voice call out to me. It sounded far away, but familiar. I pulled the comforter closer to me, wishing the voice away.
"Sookie, wake up." The voice again called out and shook my body, jostling me from my sleep.
I finally recognized the voice and answered, "Pam?"
"She's alive, happy now." Pam said into her phone and quickly shut it. She turned back to me and said, "Who else would it be? I thought you enjoyed me waking you up." She quipped and I gave her a half-hearted smile at the memory of when that happened in New York.
"I wasn't really asleep that time." I said through hooded eyes.
"I knew it. I swear I saw woman's clothes in Eric's suitcase." She said.
"Haha." I gave her a weak laugh and blinked my eyes to adjust to the darkness. "What are you doing here? And where's Eric?"
"Don't you check your phone?" Pam said.
"I don't even know where it is." I twisted my body to face her seated form on the bed.
"Well, I am here because after spending all weekend with the Queen and pandering to her every whim; I wanted to do something that would actually matter to someone; instead of just fulfilling some childhood fancy. I want to show you how a woman wields a sword and if you had checked your messages you would know that Eric needed to pick up something for tonight. So it's just me for the next couple of hours until he arrives." She said.
"Okay. What do you want me to do?" I said and rolled onto my back and yawned.
Pam's nose scrunched up, "First off, you are to brush your teeth and rinse your mouth. I usually love to be around you because you smell like honey and all things sweet; but right now I want to be far, far away from you. Go now."
She pulled the covers back and pushed me in the direction of the bathroom. "Geez Pam, I'm not killing you with my breath."
"Oh believe me you are. Why did you throw up? Are you ill?" She said with disgust and pointed to the bathroom.
"No. I'm fine." I said and hustled into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me.
"Okay, but don't do that while we're training." She called from the other room.
"Whatever." I said in a normal voice, but I knew she could still hear me through the door.
I looked at my haggard face in the mirror; pale and gaunt. I was a disaster. I brushed my teeth and splashed copious amounts of water on my face. I saw I had some paint in my hair and tried to pry it out with my fingernails.
"Do you need help?" Pam called from the other side of the door.
"No." I said, placating her from barging in and doing who knows what to speed up.
I finished cleaning myself up, but I still felt dirty so I took a quick shower. I came back out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel and walked past Pam to my dressers. I grabbed a long sleeved body hugging grey top and black leggings. If I was to be using a sword, I should make sure my clothes wouldn't get caught in the process.
"Are you going to watch me change?" I asked Pam.
"Sure, why not." She said, still sitting on the bed.
I scowled at her and she finally got the hint and left the room. I locked it behind her and changed into my clothes. I sat on my bed to pull on my pants. Once I had buckled them, I fell back onto the soft mattress, staring at the ceiling. I closed my eyes and held them shut for a moment just enjoying my clean state hoping I had washed away my melancholia.
"Ready?" I heard Pam say in an insistent voice.
I opened my eyes and left my bed, following Pam into the gym to begin my training for the night.
Pam took me through my paces going over stance and improving my technique at holding the blade with one hand and with two. She moved slowly and I watched her graceful form, moving like a ballet dancer in her 5-inch heels, twirling and spinning the blade in her hand. It was mesmerizing to watch. The excitement at watching her soon wore on me and I fell back into despondence.
"Am I boring you?" Pam said and she appeared right in front of me.
"No." I said flatly and I lifted my eyes to meet her hard stare.
"Drop the weapons." Pam ordered stepping backward. I let the sword fall down to the floor. "All of them"
I unstrapped my dagger from my thigh and released my chainmail from my hands. They fell in a pile at my feet. She sat down on the ground and beckoned me to sit next to her.
"Eric told me what you did last night and even if I cannot read your mind or feel your feelings; I can tell it has affected you." She said in a voice that held none of the edge that it normally did, "You are still human Sookie even with the fae blood that courses through your veins; much like I still may be human, in some ways. Do you know what I was before I was made vampire?"
"No." I said and turned to meet her gaze.
"I was what you call in the South, a debutante; I was literally a society doll whose life was predetermined at the time of my birth. I was to find a husband, to marry, and to have children. That was going to be my life as a high society woman in England. Eric set me free from that life and now I'm telling you that Eric is giving you the same opportunity to live. Not to become a child of the night, but to prepare you to fight for the life he values above all others." She said.
I looked at her and let her words sink in and I felt my eyes begin to water.
"Don't." Pam said and I pushed the tears back.
"Sookie, do you remember what Eric told you about trapping?"
"Yes." I said trying to recall my lesson from the other night in this very gym and fighting the emotions that were swirling inside of me.
"What you did last night was a consequence of the main objective." She said and waited until I met her eyes to continue, "What is your objective Sookie?"
"To live."
"Exactly. This is your reality as cruel and harsh as it may seem. Even with all the games we play to teach you how to fight, once you are standing in front of your enemy; it's you or them. No matter what Eric, or I, or your cousins may teach you; it all falls on you to make the decision. And you will be called to do unspeakable things in the name of living and surviving. You must separate yourself from the act. For those acts don't define you as a person. You are who you are Sookie Stackhouse and what that is, is special."
The whole day I had been in a state of shock and now her words brought me out of it. Hearing her talk about her human life and realizing again the value they all put on my life made me feel loved. I knew I would never take pleasure in inflicting pain in others; but I would fight because I believed I was worth it. I wanted to live and not go quietly into the night, for I was the light that banished the darkness. With my new resolve I pushed it away.
I was ready.
I stood from my seated position next to Pam and I picked up the sword off of the ground. She didn't say a word, but proceeded to do the same. I brought my sword over my head and struck it across my body and it rang out when it collided with Pam's blade. She bared her fangs at me and her mouth twisted into a wicked smile and I smiled back.
The morning began with me feeling like I was in a fog, but by the end of the night things became clear. The million tiny droplets of fear, doubt, and resignation evaporated from the burning realization that my life was worth something to others and most of all to me. Last night's lesson taught me I was far from unbreakable and my human armor had taken a hit, but it took a vampire, a friend to reinforce what my heart already knew to be true.
I am Susannah Stackhouse-Brigant, Princess of the Sky Fae, Bonded Daywoman of the Viking Eric Northman and I am still here.
A/N: Now go listen to Unbreakable by Fireflight and get hyped for the Fairy Princess.
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Disclaimer: I do not own SVM or its characters; I do not make any money from writing this.
