Regaling and Regalia
"'Press the button', they said," Mastermind grumbled. "'We're almost home', they said. 'How bad could it get?', they said..."
"Isoide. Yōkai wa mada mawari ni iru. Subete o mitsukeru!" A squad of armed guards jogged by clad in helmets, leather lamellar armor, spears and straight swords.
"Them and their big mouths," Mastermind muttered while hiding from the guards using his powers. "I'd call this pretty darn bad!" He glared down at a screen on the machine. It showed:
February 11, 709 A.D.
Aramashi-kyō, Japan
"We were so close," Mastermind groaned. "Just a few more years and we would have been back in our own time. Instead we wound up halfway around the world and over a thousand years in the past again! Why didn't those idiots listen to me? We should have just cut our losses, hung around for a few decades and gotten rich playing the stock market! Although we would've had to live through the eighties again, brrrrrr..."
"Doko ni iru?" Several more armed guards passed by. "Chūi shite kudasai. Karera wa kikendesu!"
"Stupid translator. Never works when you need it," Mastermind poked at his ear while glancing down one of the streets of the large, bustling city the Acolytes had arrived in. "Why do I even bother caring about those nuts? I have the stupid time machine. I should just ditch those fools and take my chances jumping through time on my own. Surely those idiots wouldn't end up affecting history too much if I stranded them here..."
"Hurry. They are catching up!" Piotr suddenly appeared around corner in his armored form.
"Ow! Slow down! I still got seaweed in my boots!" Pyro yelped while being dragged along behind him.
"So much for that dream," Mastermind sighed. "It lasted almost a full ten seconds too." He reluctantly revealed himself to his teammates. "Over here you idiots!"
"Hey look! It's Masty!" Pyro pointed.
"Thank goodness!" Piotr hurried over to him. "Quick! Make an illusion and hide us, please!"
"Well since you asked so nicely," Mastermind did so right before an angry mob appeared and stormed down the street. "Do I even want to know what trouble you two have caused this time?"
"It is not what it looks like," Piotr gulped returning to his non-armored form.
"Yeah, those galahs just don't have any sense of fun," Pyro defended.
"They seem to have a generous portion of common sense. Something you have obviously been lacking for years, if ever!" Mastermind snapped. "Well, that's two down. Where are the remaining stooges?"
"Okay, I think we finally lost the mob!" Remy dashed around a corner while shooting fleeting glances over his shoulder.
"Who cares about them?" Sabertooth followed him looking very disheveled. "Just keep me away from that crazy chick!"
"Speak of the devils," Mastermind muttered as Piotr reached out and grabbed Remy and Sabertooth as they passed by.
"Ahhhhhh!" Remy yelped as they were brought into Mastermind's illusion. "What the...hommes! It's you!"
"Thank goodness!" Sabertooth gasped looking like a hunted animal. "It's about time! Hurry up and get us outta here!"
"Can't. The machine is still cooling down," Mastermind studied the pair. "Okay, what did you do, who did you do it to and how many witnesses did you bother to leave alive?"
"Nice to see you too, Masty," Remy panted. "About time you showed up."
"Me? You're the ones who left me stranded clinging to the top of a six-story pagoda!" Mastermind yelped. "It took me almost an hour to finally get down!"
"Hey, it's not my fault the machine dumped us on the top of that multi-roofed tower when we got here," Remy defended. "Wherever the heck here is."
"At least you managed to stay on top of the pagoda," Piotr told Mastermind.
"Yeah, the rest of us went tumbling down, flew off the sides and ended up scattered all over the place," Pyro added.
"Don't remind me," Sabertooth twitched nervously.
"Besides, all you had to put up with was a leisurely climb down," Remy continued.
"More like fall down," Mastermind winced.
"While I've been forced to hide from an angry mob intent on reducing me to bite-sized pieces of Cajun," Remy finished.
"Oh really?" Mastermind raised an eyebrow. "I wonder why."
"What did ya do, Gambit?" Pyro asked.
"Nothing," Remy innocently held up his hands. "Absolutely nothing."
The rest of the Acolytes gave him a look. "Well, I might have nicked a minor knick-knack from one of the local shines," Remy admitted.
"I should have known," Piotr groaned.
"It was a simple misunderstanding," Remy insisted. "I was still disoriented from the latest time jump after I rolled off the roof. I ended up stumbling around for a while until I found myself in the protected heart of an elaborately decorated shine."
"How did you get in if it was protected?" Mastermind asked.
"Well, I may have accidentally used my powers to blow up some of the walls while I was disoriented," Remy coughed.
"Of course," Piotr sighed.
"It seemed kinda odd for a shine," Remy continued. "All those layers of security just to protect a box. A little box holding a polished jade necklace wrapped in a million layers of padding."
"Ooo, nice," Pyro chirped.
"You stole the necklace, didn't you?" Mastermind deadpanned.
"I did not," Remy huffed. "I nicked the box. The necklace just happened to be in it at the time."
"Oh boy," Piotr groaned.
"I would have made off with it just fine too if I hadn't stumbled over a priest on the way out," Remy looked embarrassed. "Why do those guys have to meditate while kneeling down?"
"Because meditating while lying down was already taken," Mastermind quipped. "It's called sleeping!"
"Anyway, once the priests found out I was in the shine they kinda lost it," Remy went on. "And when they discovered the box was missing they really lost it! I didn't know priests were allowed to say those kinds of words!"
"Wait a second, the translators are still recharging," Mastermind frowned. "How did you know what everyone was saying?"
"What are you talking about? The translators are working just fine," Remy indicated his ear.
"Ours are working too," Piotr confirmed. "Yours must need more time to recharge. Or it is just broken."
"A perfect description of the current state of my sanity" Mastermind groaned.
"Anyway, I ended up trying to hide inside this big palace-like complex," Remy indicated its general direction. "Where I found Sabes wiping the floor with a platoon of the local guards in the middle of a sprawling landscape garden."
"He ate all the carp in the ponds, didn't he?" Piotr sighed.
"Oh yeah," Remy nodded. "Though I think the guards were more upset about him using one of the rock gardens as his personal litterbox."
"I had to go, okay?" Sabertooth snapped. "I didn't make that much of a mess. I even covered the spot and everything!"
"Yeah, with a tree," Remy noted.
"That monstrosity would have died anyway," Sabertooth grunted. "Threw six guards at it and it snapped like a twig."
"Just like my nerves," Mastermind moaned. "What's left of them."
"Hey, if you wanna rag on someone, blame the Cajun," Sabertooth growled. "He's the one who insisted we hide inside the palace instead of fighting our way out."
"You're just mad the head honcho of the whole place mistook you for a concubine!" Remy snapped.
"WHAT?!" The other three Acolytes yelped.
"How the heck did that happen? Was the person blind or something?" Mastermind was stunned.
"Not exactly," Remy smirked. "Turns out the ruler of this current time and place is a woman."
"Oh my," Piotr's eyes went wide.
"Are you kidding? That's priceless!" Mastermind guffawed.
"And I thought Sabes was going to do all the mauling around here," Remy chortled. "Boy was I wrong!"
"You sly dog you!" Pyro giggled elbowing Sabertooth in the ribs.
"SHUT UP!" Sabertooth howled as Remy, Pyro and Mastermind proceeded to laugh their heads off. "That chick was nuts! She almost clawed my face off!"
"It was probably because of your light skin," Mastermind sniggered. "I recall reading somewhere that at one point white face and black teeth was considered attractive."
"My teeth aren't black!" Sabertooth shrieked.
"Actually, they were," Remy snorted. "You must have still had some fresh carp guts stuck to 'em!"
"That's one way to make all the other male concubines jealous!" Pyro whooped.
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" Sabertooth yelled at his hooting teammates. "I HATE YOU ALL!"
"Where were you during all this?" Piotr asked Remy while desperately trying not to laugh.
"Hiding, duh," Remy snickered. "If that femme went wild after spotting Sabes, feasting upon my manly form would have driven her absolutely insane!"
"That's one way to put it," Mastermind rolled his eyes.
"We finally got outta there once Sabes broke free and ran like his life depended on it," Remy managed to get his laughter under control. "That's when the femme ordered an entire battalion of guards to try and bring him back!"
"Ooo, someone's in lo-oove!" Pyro twittered.
"More like another noun being with 'L'," Mastermind quipped. "Like lunatic!"
"We barely left the palace grounds when the horde of priests caught back up with me...I mean, us," Remy continued the tale. "They finally gave up when I tossed them their silly little box back."
"About time," Piotr sighed. "You could have saved yourself a lot of trouble by not taking it in the beginning."
"What about the guards?" Pyro asked.
"We lost them when a fire wall roared down a street and cut them off," Remy said.
"I should have known," Mastermind groaned turning towards Pyro. "You crazy, irresponsible, flame-brained maniac! Why do you always have to set every other city we go to on fire? Especially when we're still in them!"
"Uh, actually..." Piotr sheepishly interrupted him.
"Wait...you Colossus?" Remy looked at Piotr in shock. "You're the one who started the fire?"
"It was an accident," Piotr blushed. "After rolling off the roof I ended up crashing into a large building filled with statues. I heard some people nearby so I armored up and pretended to be a statue too."
"Not a bad idea," Mastermind admitted.
"I thought so until I decided to leave," Piotr sighed. "That was when I discovered I had landed in the middle of a Buddhist temple."
"Oh boy," Remy whistled. "Bet the monks were surprised when they found one of their statues had apparently come to life."
"Oh yes," Piotr groaned. "Worse, one of the monks was carrying a bundle of burning incense sticks. He threw them into the air and ended up setting part of the temple on fire."
"Neat!" Pyro grinned. "That's the kind of monk I'd like to be!"
"I tried to put out the fire, but the flames had already filled an entire wall," Piotr went on. "So I tore it out and threw it away. Unfortunately, I threw the wall a little too hard and it crashed into another building. Which I later found out was dedicated to worshipping the local god of sake..."
"What?" Remy choked. "You gotta be kidding me!"
"He better not," Sabertooth growled. "I wanna visit that place!"
"Me too!" Pyro chirped. "I've never heard of a god of socks before."
"Not socks, Pyro! Sake," Mastermind groaned. "A kind of rice wine."
"Oh, okay," Pyro blinked. "So who's the god of socks?"
"Why me? Why me?" Mastermind groaned.
"I'll tell you later," Remy waved Pyro's question aside and turned back to Piotr. "So from the pillar of fire still burning above the skyline I'm betting there was a ton of tribute being offered to the god?"
"Yes," Piotr sighed. "The whole place lit up faster than one of Pyro's barbecues. I tried to put that fire out, but it spread too fast and combined with the first fire. That was when I discovered the other side of Buddhist monks. For a group committed to non-violence they pack quite a punch!"
"I told you ya should've watched more martial arts movies with us," Pyro commented.
"Even though the monks could not hurt me I did not want to risk hurting them," Piotr went on. "So I ran to try and contain the fires, but only proceeded to upset the locals. Especially after I demolished several buildings in an attempt to make a fire break."
"Eh, people can be so sensitive about things," Remy quipped.
"I finally decided to give up and try to find the rest of you," Piotr sighed. "That was when I found Pyro running from yet another mob. Apparently he decided to decorate the largest, fanciest part of the city with toilet paper."
"The final piece of the puzzle," Mastermind groaned.
"You TP'ed part of the city?" Remy gasped. "How could you do something like that?"
"I know how you feel," Piotr frowned at Pyro. "He vandalized some very nice buildings and..."
"Who cares about that?" Remy shouted. "He wasted toilet paper!"
"Huh?" Piotr blinked.
"How could you waste resources on a stupid stunt like that?' Remy scolded. "On this trip toilet paper is worth more than its weight in gold!"
"Relax, mate. I didn't use the good stuff," Pyro explained. "I used the date rolls I swiped while we were at the high school. I've felt sandpaper smooth than that junk!"
"Oh, well that's okay," Remy waved. "Forget it."
"I wish I could," Piotr groaned.
"Do we even want to know why you decided to TP parts of the local architecture?" Mastermind glared.
"Why to celebrate the liberation of the sea urchins of course," Pyro beamed.
"Huh?" Piotr blinked.
"Ya see, after I fell off the roof I didn't spot any of you blokes. So I wandered around for a bit to find some tucker," Pyro explained. "I finally found this street jammed with all kinds of food stalls. They made the air smell so yummy! Until I found most of the stalls were keeping live animals in pots and cages in order to keep their meat fresh. They'd just yank those poor buggers out, cark 'em and cut 'em up before they barely finished breathing! So I caused a distraction and set all my little animal friends free!"
"That explains the group we bumped into running from the raging octopus stampede," Remy noted.
"WHAT?!" Mastermind yelped. "Are you kidding me?"
CRASH!
BLORP!
"AAAIIIEEEEEEEEE!" The air was suddenly filled with screams of pain and panic.
"YEEEOOOWWW! GET THESE SEA URCHINS OFF ME! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!"
"NOT THE NOSE! ANYTHING BUT THE NOSE! WAAAUUUGGGHHH!"
MMMRRRAAAWWW!
A small herd of deer and wild boar ran through a block of buildings.
"THAT IS IT!" A shrill female voice rose above the chaos. "I AM NOT LIVING IN THIS CURSED PLACE ANYMORE! MOVE THE CAPITAL SOMEWHERE...ANYWHERE ELSE!"
FA-WHOOOOOOSSSHHH!
"Okay, time to go! The machine has finally cooled down," Mastermind gulped as the nearby streets suddenly burst into flames. "Let's get out of here!"
"Awww, we can't leave yet," Pyro protested. "I haven't even picked up any souvenirs!"
"Speak for yourself," Remy grinned pulling out a polished jade necklace containing several smooth, curved beads.
"Huh?" Piotr did a double-take. "How did you...?"
"Ditched the box, kept the necklace," Remy smirked. "Even slipped a decoy in the box to ensure it weighed the same. Those priest hommes never suspected a thing."
"I should have known," Piotr groaned.
"What was the decoy? Some cheap, crude necklace you picked up?" Mastermind asked.
"Na, just a handful of rocks," Remy grinned as they prepared to activate the machine. "Man, I'd love to see the look on those hommes' faces when they finally open the box and find out!"
Historical notes: The Imperial Regalia of Japan, also known as the Three Sacred Treasures, consist of a sword, mirror and jewel claimed to have been created sometime before the 8th century A.D. The jewel is believed to be a curved bead or necklace containing curved beads and is believed to be the only regalia to survive in its original form, although no drawings or photographs of it exist. While shrouded packages claiming to contain the regalia have been presented during Japanese enthronement ceremonies, no physical evidence confirming the actual existence of any of the pieces of regalia has ever "officially" been determined.
Aramashi-kyō, also known as Fujiwara-kyō , was the capital of Japan from 694 A.D. to 710 A.D. It burned down sometime in 711 A.D. after the capital was moved to Heijō-kyō and was never rebuilt.
