I know delays are kind of my thing, but this one was super long and I am very sorry. I'm just getting over an unexpected illness.

Either way, a long chapter to make up for it! Enjoy!

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Natasha woke, hardly feeling rested. There was a blissful moment before the clenching, sharp pain in her abdomen returned. Next the sore back, more abdominal pain, and a headache.

She let out a groan, stretching and remembering exactly how everything was before she dozed off. Her arm reached out, but the bed was empty.

" Steve!" she yelled, using lightning quick skills (and grateful she still had them) and shifting to a sitting position, eyes widen open, pain worsening, and panic setting in.

And Steve, who had passed out in the chair, sprung awake as well, " what! What happened?!" he yelped.

She looked over at him, nearly sighing with relief, watching as he tried to gain his surroundings, " where is Lydia?"

Steve leaned forward, peering into the crib next to him, " she's right there." And he even pointed.

Natasha let out a few sharp breaths, " I thought...I don't know. How long was I out? What time is it?"

Steve rubbed one of his eyes, leaning forward even more, " I don't even know, at least a few hours."

" Is she okay? Why didn't you wake me?"

" You needed the rest, we did okay."

" Did she eat?"

He sighed, " yeah. But, not a lot, and I'm pretty sure she didn't like it."

She couldn't help her little smirk at his attempt with that line.

Steve pulled himself up to stand, stretching his back and neck before checking on the sleeping baby, " I saw her birth certificate."

Natasha looked away, and down at her lap. She knew what he saw, and knew she'd have to deal with the consequences of the decision she made without him- should there be any.

" We never did discuss a middle name..."

" True."

She looked up at him with tired, sad eyes, " I didn't do it to upset you. I..I thought it'd be for both of us. Our daughter, having a name after someone who was important to both of us." He watched as she paused, but remained ready to pounce if needed, " it can be a girls name, too," she added.

" Nat...I signed it, it's fine."

Natasha let out a puff of air, " I was thinking, you know, in case he never comes back. We'll have this."

" Are you sure you want to bring this up now?"

Her eyes grew wide as he sat next to her on the bed, she looked around the room with a blank expression, " I don't know what I want."

" Tell me what's going on," his voice went soft and considerate, and moved just a tad closer to her.

She shook her head, looking away from him, " I just...I feel weird."

" How so?"

" The nurse said it could be ' baby blues,' because of the rapid change in hormones. So, I just want to cry a lot, and be mopey." She dropped her head onto his shoulder, " I don't like this."

Steve was appreciative of her honest confession, as rare as they were, and she couldn't see the smirk he had, if only for a moment. " You can cry if you need to, all you need to."

" It's stupid."

" No, it's not," he kissed the top of her head, " you can feel however you need to feel, it's okay."

" You're not getting mopey and crying whenever you go to the bathroom."

" I'm not the one who carried the baby for eight months and then had it yanked out of me."

" I'm not suppose to feel this way," she mumbled into his shoulders, " I should be happy, not confused. I don't understand how I'm confused about whether or not to love my own child."

" Hey, hey, no," he wrapped his arm around her, " That's not true. You don't have to justify this."

She quietly began to sob, nearly shuddering as Steve's warm hold on her tightened, his fingers gently combing through her tangled hair.

" She needs a mother, and I'm fucking useless."

" Natasha, that's not true," he sounded a bit more firm, " it's on adjustment, for all three of us. It's all brand new, but it's going to fall in to place. It will."

" She doesn't need me."

" She does, and so do I."

A grunt and a gurgle erupted from the nearby bassinet, as though on cue. They both heard it, but it lacked distress, so Steve didn't want to budge.

Then came a small cry.

" Go get her," Natasha said.

The last thing Steve wanted to do was to add insult to injury, and leave her to retrieve the new lady in their lives, " she's okay."

" Steve, please."

He released his hold on her and went for the baby. Lydia's face was scrunched up, slowly turning red from displeasure of not being attended to the moment she woke.

" Hi, sweetie," he said, lifting her from the cradle and on to her preferred spot on his chest.

Natasha watched them, smiling despite the tears that stained her face, " you make that same face when you're cranky, too."

" When am I cranky?" he objected.

" After missions, and whenever I would try and wake you up."

" Fair enough."

Lydia had silenced herself, but was far more alert and wide eyed than before. She kept her head resting on her father's chest, but her big, blue eyes looked right at her mother.

" See, that's mommy," Steve said, lightly patting her diapered bum.

Natasha wiped the tears from under her eyes and smiled in return.

" I don't think I've seen her hair yet."

Steve stepped towards the bed, and plopped off her bonnet. Little puffs of fine, dark blonde hair stuck in each direction. Natasha cooed, reaching out to pat the strands, with Lydia carefully watching each move.

" Blonde hair and blue eyes, and you think she's like me?"

" She's very set in her ways, and that didn't come from me."

" I'm anxious to see what else she inherited form me," and then, she paused, " well, sort of."

A moment later, one of the nurses then came into the room. Steve may have seen her before, but faces were beginning to blur together. She advised that Natasha would now be able to take a shower, and then Steve could go after. She also told them that there would be a lesson later on sponge bathing Lydia.

" She thinks we all smell," Steve said after she had left.

Natasha snorted. She had instructions to wait until the nurse came back before showering. But, she was beginning to prepare.

" This is going to be so awkward," she commented, " much less a stranger."

" I bet a shower will make you feel a lot better," she didn't look much at ease, " I can go with you, if you would prefer."

Natasha glared at him, " is that something you'd really want to do?"

He shrugged, "we've...showered together before," he cleared his throat, " it's nothing I haven't seen before."

" Yeah, but you haven't seen it like this," she circled her hand over her body in gesture.

" Sweetie, you've had major surgery, and a baby."

" I'll be okay. You stay with her."

Natasha slid off the bid, but stumbled before being able to stand. Steve quickly reached out and grabbed her upper arm- effortlessly pulling her up without disrupting Lydia in the other arm.

" I'm okay," she said before he had the chance to ask. She held on to the mattress, " guess that spinal was more intense than I expected."

He was going to again offer the shower companionship, but he already knew the answer. Natasha stayed close to his side, at soon leaned over to kiss Lydia's head.

" You're perfect," she told her daughter.

" You both are," he added.

The nurse returned, her and Natasha went into the bathroom, with Natasha making a face before the door closed. The same nurse slipped an newborn bottle on the table before going into the bathroom, making sure Natasha didn't see it.

Not to say that Natasha wasn't aware that her baby was getting fed, but didn't need the reminder that she would see as in the inability to do it herself.

Steve retrieved the bottle and sat on the bed, leaning back against the pillows, before moving Lydia to cradle her and offering her the bottle. The little girl made a small noise of content before she began eating.

" Your mom is right. You are perfect."

Lydia was eager to eat, tugging firmly at the rubber nipple. Steve used his thumb to push back at strands of her hair, and then gently stroke her face. The baby alternated from watching him and closing her eyes, unable to decide between the two.

Their peaceful moment was interrupted when Steve dared to try and burp her, pulling the bottle away. Lydia had been practicing her near perfect cry, and out it came.

" Lydia, sweetheart," Steve pleaded, pulling her over his shoulder.

After several unsuccessful minutes, Tony suddenly burst into the room, like he had been waiting outside for his prime moment to come in. Which wouldn't have been too out of the ordinary.

" Why is my most favorite baby ever crying?" he demanded, allowing the duffel bag he was holding to drop to the floor, " has she been crying like this since I left?"

" She doesn't like to be burped."

" Can you blame her? Someone takes your food away, and then whacks you on the back?"

Tony made grabby hand motions towards the baby. Steve mocked an eyebrow.

" Seriously?"

" Let me try, dammit."

Steve lifted the baby from his chest, handling her to Tony, watching the face she gave him as she was transported.

Tony propped Lydia over his shoulder, and less than three pats on her back later, out came the cutest, smallest burp ever. Lydia was instantly relieved, and slumped against Tony's shoulder.

" Impressive," Steve stated.

Tony circled around the room, lightly bouncing the baby, " taking care of a baby is just like taking care of a drunk person. Where's Nat?"

Steve pointed at the bathroom door, " taking a shower. One of the nurses is in there with her."

" Steven," Tony's eyes bugged, " you do realize, in any other situation, that this would be the set up for a highly successful Captain America porno."

" No, I didn't realize that. That's why you're here."

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The duffel bag Tony had brought contained an extra change of clothes for both Steve and Natasha. Steve was able to provide Natasha with her clothing just as she had gotten out of the shower.

She emerged rom the bathroom, looking almost refreshed and much less, well, grungy. Certainly not a descriptive word he'd use to her, but perhaps confirming that this was just something she needed.

She was dressed in a long, loose tank top and capri length sweat pants. He noticed her figure already returning to pre-Lydia form, but again, not a comment he would be making.

Steve and the nurse helped her back in to bed, and she immediately asked where Lydia was (on an adventure, with Tony). The nurse said Steve as free to use the shower, and she'd return for Lydia's bath later on- when Lydia was actually there.

" Do you feel better?" Steve asked when they were alone again, " you look a lot better." Dammit, Rogers.

But she nodded, " I do. You should see me naked, it's like a war zone."

He leaned forward to kiss her on the top of her head, " it'll heal. Look what you made because of it."

Natasha snorted, " yeah, Tony Stark's new best friend."

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Tony strolled up and down the halls of the maternity ward, little Lydia curled up in his arm. The baby was awake, rather alert, and very aware that the man holding her was not the same one she was already acquainted with. The one who had the deep voice that soothed her, and kept her exceptionally warm.

She was skeptical, but, cooperative for now.

Tony happily carried her around, telling her stories about when her mommy and daddy first met, when they hardly got along, and when they were first caught making out in a supply closet- but no one suspected that would ever leave to her existence.

There were also stories about aliens, bad Asgardians and what not, but those could wait until she was older.

" No one was more shocked than me to find out you were on the way. Uncle Tony didn't think Daddy made it past first base." Lydia let out a small whine, " I know, right?!"

The two rounded the corner to find Bruce stepping off the elevator, a pink gift bag in hand, along with another large, paper bag. He saw them, and was excited to see the baby, but concerned to see Tony holding the baby.

" What are you doing with her?" the doctor immediately demanded.

Tony looked over his shoulder to ensure no one was lurking about, " Natasha needed a bit of...debriefing time."

Bruce kept a solid stare on him, " Tony, Natasha is the mother."

" I'm aware, but...she just needs a little time."

Bruce signed, " well, that's far from uncommon. At least she has Steve."

" Hey, on an entirely different note, we have her here with us. Lets get a blood sample and be done with it."

" No."

Tony's excitement only grew, " this is the perfect chance.

" No, absolutely not. I'm not testing anything until both her parents are on board, and that's IF they want that at all."

" You know they will."

Bruce groaned.

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Natasha leaned against Steve's side, head resting on his chest as he sat next to her. And she was sobbing- full blown, near choking sobbing. There were moments where her mouth would drop open, and she'd nearly scream. And there were also bits when she would try to bury her face further into his shirt.

Steve caressed her shoulder from the arm that he had around her, occasionally nuzzling the top or side of her head. He wasn't looking to pacify her, but rather, do the best he could to soothe her. She needed this, just to cry. All the frustration, exhaustion, everything she had buried inside. It was the only relief she had for herself for the time being, so she cried.

It went on for some time, until she eventually forced herself to begin to calm- mostly out of fear that Tony would be returning with Lydia at any moment. Steve kept stroking her hair and cuddling close to her. If nothing else, he was patient.

" If there is anything I can do to make this better, please tell me."

She choked on a few of the cries that she was trying to end, " I don't understand why I can't love her."

" Love her?" the comment took him by surprise. He knew she was in an array of emotions, ut not to this extent.

" I know I'm meant to love her, but it's like I...like I can't convince myself."

Steve brushed his nose against her temple, " Nat, you do love her. It's just confusing..it's..."

Her sniffle interrupted him, " what does it feel like?"

" What does what feel like?"

" Loving her. What does it feel like? For you."

Steve sighed, "I'm not sure how to describe it. It's so new. It's like being excited, and overwhelmed, but in a good way."

" Is it the same way you love me?"

" No, it's different. Which I wasn't expecting."

" Would you kill for her?"

" Yes. But, I would kill for you, too." In fact, he probably had.

Her hand came to rest on his stomach, " do you love her more than me?"

" Gosh, no, Natasha. I love you and I love her, there's no competition."

She stayed snuggled against him in silence for another few moments, " I want to love her."

" You will...you do," and then he waited a brave moment, " Nat, maybe you should...talk to someone."

" I'm talking to you."

But before he could explain what he truly meant, the door swung open. Bruce appeared, followed by Tony holding Lydia.

" She pooped," Tony announced.

Natasha moved away from Steve so he could get up and attend to the situation. Bruce noticed the tear stains on Steve's shirt, as well as the sorrow on Natasha's face. He stepped forward, lifting a smaller paper bag out of the larger one he had.

" I brought you some muffins from the bakery around the corner from the tower."

Her weak face brightened, " thank you." The second item in the bag was the throw blanket from their couch at home.

" Thought it could help you relax and get some rest. While you're here."

Across the room, Steve laid Lydia on the makeshift changing table. The baby looked up at him, like she was excited to see him again. However, Steve was not excited for the task at hand.

" Oh, we have something for her once the poop is removed," Tony said, while Steve groaned as he removed the diaper.

Tony rummaged through the duffel bag he had brought, and retrieved a black baby onesie with the red Avengers logo in the top corner. It was identical to the suits that any Avenger inhabiting Earth would wear. And now, Lydia had one, too.

" That's adorable!" Natasha cooed, actually feeling excited.

Tony only brought the onesie to Steve when a clean diaper had been placed on the baby, and the dirty one disposed of. Steve then began the struggle of dressing her.

" Sweetheart, no...I need this arm...no, hang on a sec."

Natasha watched as Captain America, of all people, struggled to dress a baby. And he really did struggle, as Lydia pulled her arm out of the sleeve, and kicked when he tried to snap the flaps over her diaper. The outfit was a tad big, but cute just the same. When he finished, she let out a cry. Steve loosely wrapped the blanket around her, and lifted her from the table.

" I know, Peanut. Being an Avenger makes me want to cry, too, sometimes."

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The next bit of the day was spent with the doctors running tests on Lydia. She passed her hearing test ( 'well, now we have to watch what we say around her,' Tony declared). Same for her vision test (' watch those Hulk pant-less moments, Bruce,' Tony added). All reflex tests, everything came back normal. Despite being early, Lydia Rogers was given a clean bill of newborn health.

With the minor exception of fussing, and the need for heat from her father's body. And, the possibility of super serum in her body.

That test, was for another day.

It was the end of that particularly exhausting day. Feedings (no schedule could be established there), diapers changes (or there), spitting up- changing her clothes and Steve's clothes, because that's where she was spitting up. Somewhere in there, Steve showered during nap time, and Lydia had her first sponge bath. Another event that could be added to the list of things she was not pleased with.

" We have to decide if we want to find out," Natasha said later in the evening, when it was just the three of them. She liked the feeling that came along with that.

Steve was strolling around the room, on his last leg of settling Lydia to hopefully sleep, and hopefully for longer than a few hours. Lydia wore a cotton nightie that the hospital provided, and Natasha then realized that she would never be bored of the image that was a large and burly Captain America holding his tiny baby girl. And this was without the uniform.

" You look so tired," she commented, still closely watching.

Steve smirked, even when a rogue arm came up and nearly swatted him in the face. " I don't mind. Though I'm worried I'm going to cause her to form a habit not wanting to be put down."

Natasha scooted further down in her beed, " nah. There's only so much time that her daddy can carry her around for so long. She probably feels the safest there."

He looked down at the newborn, who was only partially snoozing. Steve liked saving people, protecting them. He had helped save entire cities, but all he needed to do was hold this brand new person, and the same feeling was accomplished.

It was the most indescribable feeling, and he baffled himself to think there was ever a time before.

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Within ten minutes, Lydia was asleep. And within a half our, Steve was out. And not just asleep, completely inception mode- four laters in. He was more awake in the ice than right now. But, it was well needed, though Natasha was confident that he didn't mean to black out, slouched in the leather chair, with a throw blanket draped over only part of him.

Natasha sat up as straight as she could, peering over the bassinet that stood next to Steve, with a humble Lydia inside it.

She slid out of her bed, having just enough strength to make it over to Steve. The warmth that their daughter was so fond of was obvious when she leaned over to kiss his cheek.

" I love you so much."

He didn't budge.

Lydia was snoozing as well.

' They're identical,' she thought.

She watched Lydia's nose twitch. A daring Natasha reached into the crib, carefully and slowly lifting the baby by her under arms, watching for any changes, like she was removing a bomb. She then quickly moved the baby against her chest. Lydia squirmed and grunted, like she knew she was being held by someone who wasn't Steve, but remained asleep.

Mission successful.

Natasha carefully shuffled back to the bed, settling herself on top of the blanket. Everyone else in the room remained asleep.

She studied Lydia, it was their first private moment together, even if one of them wasn't awake. Natasha traced the plump of her cheek and the button of her nose. The hold reached down to her tiny first, unfolding it to reveal five tiny fingers, and even smaller finger nails.

" You're mine," she said out loud, then glanced at a snoring Captain America, " and his."

While she could tell herself that all she wanted, convincing would be the more difficult task.

It didn't make sense.

There were endless concerns during her pregnancy- not loving her child wasn't anywhere on their radar. It was meant to happen instantly. It didn't.

She wanted to overcome it, it seemed easy, as it should be. All the other mothers did, or so she assumed, and Steve already had no problem leaping out of his chair to strangle anyone who crossed Lydia.

She wanted that.

" I do love you," she said to the baby, " I just can't prove it right now."

Natasha glanced over again at Steve, and she tried to remember how she fell in love with him. At that moment, she couldn't remember exactly WHEN it happened. But, watching him utterly passed out, a pink blanket draped over at least part of him, she was grateful she wasn't alone.

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An hour or so passed, and nothing changed. Natasha still had Lydia nestled in her arms, and the newborn remained asleep. Steve, also asleep, hadn't even budged, not an inch- but, she could see that he was breathing, and that was enough.

Unfortunately, she was unable to see the nightmares that were plaguing his sleep. Nightmares that seemed all too real compared to recent events that he was unable to recall when awake. The kind that he couldn't wake himself from.

There was quiet tap at the door- one she was almost sure she didn't hear. But then, Tony appeared, looking a little distressed. It was almost forgotten that he had volunteered to spend the night again.

" Go home," she said. in a kind whisper. She knew it was late, but was not sure of the exact time.

Tony sighed and looked over at Steve, pointing, " he okay?" Natasha nodded. " Like out, out? Won't wake up out?"

" Well, I'd hope he would wake up eventually. But for now, no."

" Good, okay," he cleared his throat, " I just want to clarify that I would never, ever put you in harms way- intentionally. And that goes double for the baby Avenger. Never, ever."

Confused, Natasha nodded, " thank you?"

" And I am perfectly understanding that people do make mistakes in their past lives. I did, which makes me more understanding to those who have done the same. Redemption is key."

Natasha's eyebrows scrunched, " did you break something somewhere?"

" Please remember what I did. Because, you have a visitor that I snuck in for you."

With that, Tony left the room. Natasha was still trying to figure out what he was talking about when Bucky then walked in.