A/N: Hello everyone. I have a new chapter for ya'll, super exciting. Just to let ya'll know, this story is getting closer and closer to ending with each new chapter I post. My plan right now calls for only 5 more chapters and an epilogue. I know that it is sad to see this story coming to an end, but it is time. I have been working on this for years and I never thought when I first started writing it that I would still being writing it now or that it would be this long. So thank you to everyone who has stuck with me. Ya'll are greatly appreciated and I love ya'll so much. So now please enjoy the new chapter. Disclaimer: I do not own Instant Star. I also do not own Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy.
Chapter 43
Dear Diary,
Today is the first day of camp. I should be excited, shouldn't I? I mean, camp means getting away from this town and all the memories, which is a good thing. It also means getting to spend almost three months on my music, which I have been seriously neglecting as of late. So, why do I have this feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach? I want nothing more than to spend this summer on my music and winning that record deal, but camp isn't the place I want to be. With camp comes all those people I used to call friends who turned on me. Those people who treated me like dirt and talked about me behind my back. Those people who changed camp from my safe haven to a nightmare. I don't think I can handle seeing those people. I know I have started to get better after the break up, but I am still healing and those people could set back my healing and make me feel even worse. I know that maybe they have grown up since last summer and realized they were being stupid last summer, but that is a huge maybe. Who knows what this past year has done to them and what those things could mean for me. I never thought I would be scared to go to a place I once thought as a magical place, but I am just that: scared. I'm scared of how I will be treated. I'm scared that someone might steal my most personal songs again. I'm scared that I won't be able to write again. I'm scared that I won't be good anymore. I'm scared that I won't measure up to all of the high standers the teachers at camp have of me. I'm scared that something will happen to cost me the record deal. I'm scared of so many things, but the thing I am the most scared of is that without him, I am not the artist I was. He was always my inspiration and he was always there to help get the music out of me. He made me into a better artist than I ever thought was possible. He brought the real music out of me. So without him, does that mean I won't be that artist anymore? I know I have so many things I could write songs about. I mean, break up songs are like a huge deal and I have all the emotions needed to write them, so inspiration isn't a problem. The problem is, I don't know if I can be just as good without him being there to pull the deeper music out of me. I have written a ton of songs without his physical help, but he was always there in my head reminding me to dig deeper. Now when I write, I don't hear his voice in my head and that worries me. So I guess this summer I will find out just how good I am without him.
XO Jude
(~~**~~)
"Are you ready for this?" Alice asks concerned. She gives me a worried look as she takes another step forward in line. With each step, we get closer and closer to the steps of the bus, and my nerves grow more and more.
"Not like I can back out now." I reply with nervous chuckle. I glance down at the ground, trying to keep my focus off of my nerves and on the little piece of asphalt I keep grinding into the ground with my shoe.
"Jude," Alice states, her voice thick with worry. I glance up at her and give her a little smile in hopes to make her stop prying, but it is no use. "I know camp wasn't the best place last summer, but that doesn't mean this summer is going to be the same. Remember, this summer is all about the music. If you focus on that and ignore everything else, you will be just fine. Plus, I will be with you the whole time and will kick anyone's ass who tries to mess with you." Alice gives her most menacing look to emphasize her point, causing me to laugh at how ridiculous she looks.
"I hate to break it to you, but that face is not intimidating at all. It looks more like you just woke up with a massive hangover and the sun hurts your eyes." I reply, chuckling. Alice just glares at me in mock hurt, causing me to laugh some more.
"Remind me why I'm friends with such a rude and hurtful person again?" Alice asks in mock annoyance. I pull her into a side hug, squeezing her shoulders tightly.
"Because you would be lost without me." I state, a giant smile spreading across my face.
"I think that is the other way around. I could survive without you, but I highly doubt you could survive without me." Alice replies with a smug smile. I just roll my eyes at her and give her a little shove, causing us both to laugh as Alice walks onto the bus, with me right behind.
"Jude" A deep, familiar voice calls from behind me. I freeze in my spot on the stairs and feel my heart sink to the pit of my stomach. I turn my head slightly and see those deep blue eyes staring at me. Crap. What the hell is he doing here? We haven't seen each other in months and now he decides to show up.
"Hi?" I state more like a question once I'm standing in front of Tommy. I wait a few moments for him to reply, but he doesn't say a thing or even look me in the eyes. I let out an irritated groan and turn to walk back towards the bus.
"Jude, wait" Tommy calls, grapping my arm lightly and spinning me back towards him.
"What do you want Tommy?" I question annoyed, glaring at him and cross my arms across my chest.
"I just wanted to know what the hell this is." Tommy states, a hint of anger in his voice. He sticks out a manila envelope with my handwriting on the front of it and I instantly know what it contains.
"I thought you would want your stuff back. It isn't like I want the constant reminders of all the lies you told me." I reply bitterly.
"Jude, I never once lied to you about my feelings for you. These items are proof are those feelings." Tommy states, a desperate tone filling his voice.
"You lied about everything. Those items are just pieces of junk you used to help further your lies. They mean nothing and I don't want them." I reply angrily, having to focus on keeping my voice from growing too loud. I want nothing more than to yell at him for all the pain he has caused me, but this isn't the place for that.
"You really don't believe that, do you? You really think I was lying when I told you I loved you?" Tommy questions, the desperation growing in his voice. I can tell that my words are hurting him and he wants me to believe that he really loved me, but I just can't do that.
"Why in the world would I believe that you loved me? You said it to me so many times and gave me these gifts showing just how much you loved me. You gave me a ring that someone gives to the person they love and another ring meant as a promise that we will always be connected and you will always be there for me because you love me. You gave me a necklace that I had been dreaming of for months back when we were just friends and that necklace always reminded me of how much you cared about me. Those things…all of them were a lie. You never really meant what you said, because if you had…you would have never done what you did." I explain, my anger turning into sadness. I can feel the wetness from my tears on my cheeks and I quickly move to wipe them away.
"Jude, I never-" Tommy starts, reaching out to grab my hand, but I pull away.
"Tommy, don't. I don't want to hear your excuses anymore. You never loved me. I was just some play thing you kept around to have some fun with. You strung me along and then dumped me when things got too serious. So don't try to tell me you loved me and don't try to tell me that you care about me, because your words don't mean anything to me. They are just pretty words and nothing more." I reply bitterly. I watch the sadness and hurt grow in Tommy's eyes and a pang of guilt runs through me, but I shake it off.
"Jude, at least keep these. I got them for you, so you should have them." Tommy states somberly, sticking the envelope out towards me. I shake my head and push the envelope away. Tommy gives me a confused look and opens his mouth to speak, but is cut off by another voice.
"Jude, it is time to go." Alice calls from the bus. I glance over at her and can tell she is beyond worried about me. I give my best reassuring smile to help calm her down some, but I doubt it helped. I turn back to Tommy and see that he is staring at the envelope in his hand, a look of regret etched on his face.
"I have to go. Goodbye Tommy." I state softly, chocking back all the emotions that are boiling up inside of me right now. I turn around and run to the bus before he can say anything else. I walk down the aisle and take my seat next to Alice.
"You okay?" Alice questions worriedly, giving me a concerned look.
I nod my head and simply state, "Yeah, I'm fine." Alice gives me a look like she knows I'm lying, but I ignore her. I rummage through my bag and pull out my journal. I turn to the first blank page and get to work on a song.
(~~**~~)
"Welcome everyone to this summer of camp." The director announces, causing everyone in the cafeteria to cheer. "I'm glad to see all these familiar faces back here this summer, but before we get to our first day traditions, I have few announcements." The director continues. Everyone in the room starts to whisper to each other, wonder what is so important to cause the director to deviate from the normal first day rituals.
"What do you think this is about?" Alice whispers, giving me a curios look.
"No idea" I reply, giving her the same look of curiosity.
"Okay, so this summer we have a few new rules that everyone needs to follow. First, all songs being performed at the final performance must be written while in class where a teacher can watch you work on it. Second, all song choices for the final performance must be approved the Sunday before the performance by me. To be approved, the song must have approval from the teachers saying you wrote it in class where they could see it and if you are using someone else's work you must have written consent from that artist. If these criteria aren't met, the song will not be performed. Now if you guys can't comply with these rules, we will be required to take extreme measures and lock up everyone's journals or notebooks at night and only allow them out when in class. I rather not have to do that, but I will do it if necessary. This place is supposed to be a place for all of you to grow as artists, not a place to steal and fight. Do I make myself clear?" The director explains. Everyone nods their heads in agreement once they stop whispering about the new rules.
"Great, now that that is all cleared up, let's get to our normal tradition. All the new campers please stand up." The director states. Everyone glances around the room, but no one is standing up.
"Are there really no new people here this summer?" I question, giving Alice a shocked look.
"Either there are no new people or they are just scared to stand up." Alice replies matter-of-factly.
"It seems that we have no newbies this summer. In that case, I will randomly pull a name out of a hat and they will do our normal tradition." The director states. One of his assistances hands him a hat and he sticks his hand in. He moves his hand around and them pulls it out, a piece of paper in between his fingers.
"Please don't be me." I whisper to myself, over and over again.
"Jude Harrison, it looks like you are the lucky winner. Please come up on stage." The director states joyfully. My heart sinks and I reluctantly stand up and walk towards the stage.
"Now Jude, this is your third summer here right?" The director asks, getting a little dramatic to make things more interesting.
"Yes, it is." I reply as nicely as possible.
"And if I recall correctly, you did this little tradition of ours the first summer you were here and even sang with a newbie last summer to make her feel more comfortable." The director states.
"Indeed I did." I reply, giving him a little smile.
"Well then, I guess you are somewhat of a pro at this. I'll just let you take over then since you already have this down." The director says, walking off the stage. The crowd looks at me expectantly and I have to take a few deep breaths before I can talk.
"So, as we all know, on the first night of camp a newbie is picked to perform a song of their choice in front of everyone. Since it seems we have no newbies this summer, that job has fallen on me." I explain a little nervously. I glance around at the audience and catch the eyes of some of my old friends. They are all looking at me expectantly, and a few even look excited to hear me perform.
I glance back at the stage and hesitantly walk towards the grand piano off to the side. I take a seat on the bench and crack my fingers before lightly placing them on the keys, making sure to not make any noise just yet. I take deep breath before talking. "This is a new song I just wrote on the way here. I hope that you all enjoy it." I take another breath and start playing the piano, my voice shortly joining.
Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swayin' in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick
I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same
For me
Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be
So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these
Images
No
But I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same
For me
Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So now your gone and I'm haunted
And I bet your just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life
Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Cant you just let me be
So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
The song comes to an end and the room burst out into applause and cheers. I take a little bow before stepping off the stage and walking back to my table. Alice gives me a little hug and I give her a small smile. Singing that song helped me feel better after seeing Tommy today, but it also hurt because that song really meant that we are over.
"Well done Jude. Now, everyone please head back to your cabins and rest up. We have a big summer ahead of us." The director says, followed by everyone starting to get up to leave.
"Jude, wait up." Someone calls from behind me. I turn around to see who it is and am met by Sam, Lily, Chloe, and Marlene.
"If you just want to say means things about my song or about me, just save it. I really don't care what you think of me." I bite out bitterly, turning away from them to continue towards my cabin.
"Jude, that isn't what we wanted to talk about." Sam calls out after me.
"Then what is it?" I question, turning back around to glare at them.
"We just wanted to say that we are sorry. We acted like idiots last summer and treated you like crap. We shouldn't had done or said all of those things and we are sorry for all of it." Sam explains apologetically.
"Yeah, we were just following Peter and that was a big mistake. He is an awful person and we should have never listened to a word he said. We are so sorry." Lily chimes in, giving me a look of regret.
"I'm glad all you figured out that Peter was wrong, and thank you for apologizing, but if you think this means we are friends again, you are sadly mistaken. I rather not have friends who are going to stab me in the back." I reply matter-of-factly.
"We get that, but if there is any chance you can forgive us, we promise to not turn into evil, mindless drones again." Chloe says, letting out a little giggle.
"I forgive all of you for what you did. I know you were just following Peter's lead, but just because I forgive you doesn't mean I want you as my friends. I do wish you all the best and hope that you all have great lives, but I won't be a part of them. Thanks again for the apologies. Have a good summer." I reply, giving them a little wave before turning to walk away. I feel a little lighter as I walk back to my cabin and I can't help but feel a little hope at the events to come this summer.
