The recent U.S. holiday is why you're getting this chapter late. Sorry 'bout that, but there was dinner (more like brunch when it was 10 in the morning) with the fam and then a whole shift at work during Thanksgiving Day sales and such.
Anyhoo, I thank as always all my wonderful reviewers. Readpink, Robinbird79, ThatOtherWriterGirl, readergirl4985, Celebrisilweth, Guest 1, ValarenOfGondor, Guest 2, and Guest 3, y'all are awesome. I had a new favorite/follow recently too, but I've accidentally deleted the email so I can't give the person a shout-out by name - sorry! I do however offer sincere and humble thanks, and also wish to thank everyone reading along quietly.
Guest 1 - That was a sweet moment, wasn't it? And Kíli won't see his position as Thorin's bodyguard as being a servant. I think in his mind, he'll see it as taking care of his uncle the way his uncle took care of him and his brother.
Guest 2 - Árni's reaction was rather comical. I thought the story could use a good, lighthearted moment. Kíli giving up on the Hunter's Guild is only temporary. I've a thing I'm going to be doing here in a few chapters where he's going to get to join the guild as well as protect his king. As for Thorin's reveal... You'll have to wait and see!
Guest 3 - ACoF is categorized as "fantasy/romance". Therefore there's going to be a lot of romantic themes, including sex - and I must respectfully disagree with your interpretation that the last 10 or 15 chapters have been nothing but "sex, sex, and more sex". Yes, it's a front-end storyline right now, but that's because three of our main characters have been confronted with matings that they hoped for, but never really expected. And in my AU, until they are "properly" mated, sex is pretty much all they think about. This will not last, however, as soon as a few more plot lines are tugged. But to tell the story as in-depth as my Muse feeds it to me takes time.
53. Ghosts of Heartache
Thorin was shocked, given the clear dislike she had of the dwarf's father. "Halvar?" he queried.
Rejna nodded, and turned at last to lead him back to the sofa. When they had sat next to one another, Thorin resting one arm around her shoulders, she laid her head on him as she said, "We'd both just joined the army—Halvar and I are the same age, though he's a few weeks older—and we graduated training together. Got quite drunk with all the other trainees after the ceremony—oh, what a party that was! Back then Halvar and I were close friends. As I walked him to his rooms in Eastfell Hall—seeing as he cannot hold his liquor as well as I he was far worse off—he started murmuring that he didn't want to die a virgin. Of course I pointed out that we'd just completed training and had not seen a battle as yet, but he was insistent that he didn't want to die someday without having been with a female at least once. At the time I had yet to catch onto his proclivity for males—perhaps he was still denying it himself, as I suspect many of them do in that situation.
"As it was, we dodged my guard at the time because he was drunk as well, and I walked Halvar back to his room. He pulled me down on top of him when I tried to lay him on the bed, and then he kissed me—"
Thorin grunted. "I do not think I need the minute details, my dear."
She laughed. "Suffice it to say, he kissed me well enough despite his condition that it stirred desire in me as well, and I thought to myself 'Why not get it over with?' Why not discard my maidenhead and be done with it, so it wouldn't be so awkward and uncomfortable when at last I did marry someday? Besides, I was more interested in soldiering and becoming an officer than in sex or marriage—I was a mere forty years old, for Mahal's sake. But I didn't think it would be a bad idea to try it, so I did. And like most first times, I imagine, it was indeed awkward. It hurt when he pierced me—"
"Rejna…"
She sat straight and turned to look at him. "Thorin, we must be able to have open and honest discussions about our lives, yes?"
He nodded. "Aye, but it is not necessary to be that honest."
Rejna smiled softly. "There is a point, I promise you."
"Then get to it quickly. I have no desire to be imagining you in bed with another," Thorin muttered.
She leaned back against him again before she continued. "I don't quite know if it was my cry of pain or his own subconscious discomfort of being with a female, but Halvar suddenly…lost his strength, if you catch my meaning. I do feel sorry for him, in a way, the poor thing. He tried to regain his interest, but it had simply gone. He apologized profusely, said he did not understand why he had been unable to maintain his erection with me when the males he'd lain with in his dreams got him to the end. I don't think he meant to confess that, given how horrified he looked after he said it."
"Had he not, I would surmise it may have just been the alcohol that kept him from performing," Thorin observed. Then he glanced down at her and said, "So he's never turned your head?"
Rejna snorted. "I still hold to that, for it was not attraction to Halvar that led me to dally. I merely wanted to know what all the fuss was about, and to get it out of the way," she said.
"Do you think his father knows? Perhaps that is why he is so adamant Halvar marry you—because he does not want him taking up with a male."
"Could be he suspects," she replied. "Halvar declaring he prefers males means no heirs would be sired, which would then mean the lordship of Eastfell will revert back to Grev's line. There's also the fact that any public display of affection between Halvar and another male would bring embarrassment to Hagen, purist arse that he is."
"Has Halvar never had a relationship with a male in the last sixty-five years?" Thorin asked, genuinely curious. Though he did not understand what would drive a male to be attracted only to other males, he found himself thinking it would be a lonely existence to never know the love or touch of someone who was as attracted to you as you were them.
And when he had that thought, he gave Rejna's shoulders a light squeeze, knowing how close he had come to never knowing that himself. He said a silent prayer of thanks that his eyes had at last been opened to the beauty of having a mate in his life.
"I do not think a true relationship," Rejna replied. "But then we drifted apart after that night, so I really don't know. I wanted for years to believe it was simply because we served in different regiments, but when I finally noticed how he behaved when we were around each other, I knew it was that he was afraid I'd tell his father, or my own. It's only been recently that we've begun to reconnect, but it has been slow to happen. I think our having spent time together in recent months, even though only with other soldiers around, might well be what sparked Hagen's desire to push for us to marry. There have also been a few rumors over the years of him spending time in brothels in the Valley, but only the ones that cater to binnaith'afsal—which may also have contributed to Hagen's sudden furor."
"Do you think Halvar would declare his choice if he had a partner?"
She shrugged. "I do not know, though I would hope that he would finally develop the fortitude to stand up to his father for the one he loved."
Thorin snorted softly. "I think it would be good for him to stand up to his father regardless, but especially for that reason."
They were quiet for a time, the only sound their combined breathing or Telka pulling her needle over in the corner. Then suddenly Rejna surprised him by saying, "Go ahead and ask me."
"Ask you what, Amrâlimê?"
"If there's been anyone else."
Yes, he was curious about that. Damned curious, though obviously such thoughts were unwelcome. And while he'd understood her motivation to have sex before marriage and did not censure her for it, it did bother him to think of her in bed with other males—not so much that she had been with others, but because he simply did not want to start picturing her enjoying herself with them, which would lead to jealousy he knew was irrational. Those males were her past, he was her future.
Drawing a breath, he said, "How many males you have lain with in the past—though Mahal knows I hope it is not many—is no business of mine. In the end it matters very little because now that we have met and acknowledged the bond we share, I know there will ever only be me."
Rejna slipped her right arm across his waist and gave him a one-armed hug. "Indeed. I shall never know another but you."
She then sat up enough that she could look up at him. "I mean that, Thorin. In a way it will only ever be you, for what happened between Halvar and I was hardly what I would call a true experience—and there has been no other, for I had decided since that one time was an abysmal failure, it was a sign from Mahal I should just focus on my career as a soldier. I've little doubt, given the stories I have heard from various other females, that our first time together may not be entirely comfortable, given it has been more than six decades. So you may as well think of yourself as my first."
Thorin could not help himself—he smiled hugely in satisfaction and bent his head to kiss her. Rejna lifted her hand to his face and held him there when he would have done the right thing and lifted his head; it was a subtle hum from her maid, acting as their chaperone, that brought the steamy kiss to an end.
The princess hummed softly as she snuggled against him once more. "I take it you are pleased by this news, my Lord?"
"What dwarrow would not be pleased on hearing such a missive?" he countered. "And to answer your unspoken question, the number is six."
"Only six? As old as you are?" Rejna teased.
A chuckle rumbled in his chest. "Do not be a minx, Amrâlimê. Yes, only six. Most of them between my fiftieth and hundredth year."
"Most of them?"
He nodded though she was not looking at him, his mind turning back briefly. "Aye. Most were also daughters of Men, whom I paid coin to in brothels for their attentions. It is a common practice among young dwarf males."
Rejna snorted softly. "As if I am not aware," she said.
"Well, we do not speak of it in front of dwarrow females, and I'm sure most of us are happy to believe you ignorant though the wise among us know you are not," Thorin told her. "Just as I suspect there are dwarrow females like yourself who find willing, discreet partners, whether you pay for their time or no."
This time it was she who chuckled. "And we are also happy to think you ignorant of it, though the wise among us know you are not."
Rejna sat up then and studied his face. She took his hand in hers as she repeated softly, "You said most of them."
Thorin nodded. "In the interest of being open and honest, I did have one dwarrow female as a partner. My family was in the Blue Mountains, and had finally become comfortable in our new home, if it could even be said. There was a chambermaid in the royal house, about ten years older than myself, who had birthed a stillborn daughter. The labor had been so difficult on her, from what I'd heard, that she was advised not to attempt conceiving again. This broke her husband's spirit for he, like most married males, desired a son to inherit his holdings. The dwarrow left for the Gray Mountains soon after."
"How horrible for that dam, that her husband up and left her like that."
"I agree. Though I sympathized with his disappointment, it was no excuse for abandoning his mate," Thorin said. He drew a breath before continuing. "Though in my youth I admittedly became cold and distant in my hatred of elves and the disdain I held toward Men, the suffering of the lass moved me. One night I found her crying in a stairwell, and not having the heart to simply walk by her, I took her into my arms and offered her comfort. I meant only to embrace her, but after a few moments she brought her lips to mine with a fierce demand I had never known before. It bordered on desperate. I made an attempt to do the right thing by her but perhaps not strongly enough, for she had stirred in me a desire I thought I'd done with years before."
"So you took her to your bed," Rejna surmised.
Thorin nodded. "I did, but it was not just the one time. We carried on in secret for years before an illness took her from me."
He had not been looking at her but toward the fireplace as he spoke; he did so now. "By your countenance I know you wonder if I loved her. I cannot say for certain if I did or not, though I will admit to developing a deep affection for her. I do not believe she truly loved me, either, her heart still belonging to her husband despite her never setting eyes on him again. I think the both of us were to an extent ashamed of our affair, she for committing adultery and I for enabling her to do so. When she passed, I put all thoughts of sex and relationships out of my mind and declared myself unlikely to marry. My nephews ensured our line would go on and so became my heirs."
The princess looked into his eyes for a long, silent moment. Whatever she found in his gaze must have satisfied her, for she smiled softly as she said, "Every dwarf has a past of which they are not entirely proud. Though so you know, I find no reason to censure you—either for giving up your coin or that small piece of your heart. Our experiences help define us, Thorin. They shape us in ways we do not always acknowledge or understand. In a way I am glad you knew those females, for at least one of us will know what the hell to do on our wedding night."
In seeing that she was entirely serious, Thorin found he could to naught but laugh.
-...-
The next morning dawned and Thorin awoke slowly. Part of him was eager to rise and get to a weapons forge so he could begin working on completing the bride price—not to mention adding gems to the bracelet he'd never gotten around to giving to Rejna. Within a day—two at most—he would be an engaged dwarf.
He was also reluctant to get out of bed, because it meant facing his three kinsmen and seeing which of them would serve as his guardian. Yesterday he had deemed Kíli the best choice, given he was currently unattached. Dwalin had already started his family and Fíli was likely to within the next few months, as he was. Though his cousin had the greater experience, what right did he have to ask him—either of them—to give up a part of their lives, to disrupt the happiness they had just found?
With a groan of annoyance at his mood, Thorin threw back the blanket covering him and headed for the bathroom. After taking care of his needs he hurried to dress. The morning he would spend at the weapons forge, then lunch at Dwalin and Larkspur's—he would address the issue of his bodyguard then. Then after time with Rejna touring the mountain, it would be back to the forge to work on Ragin's sword more. It was his hope to have it near to finished tonight and finished on the morrow—the sooner the better, that he and Rejna could become officially betrothed and move closer to the wedding…
…and the wedding night. It still galled him what Hagen was trying to do the royal family and the kingdom as a whole, and that possibly Rejna's only chance at saving her crown would be go get pregnant right away and hope the child was male. It was monumentally unfair to the both of them to have this burden on their shoulders—the first months after marriage should be worry free, a time when they could just focus on enjoying each other.
Well, at least they would certainly enjoy the process of trying to save the kingdom, he thought with a wry grin.
At breakfast, Thorin told his nephews that he needed to speak with them about something important, but that it could wait until lunch because he wished to discuss it with Dwalin as well. Kíli then mentioned he'd be working in Melindë's house with Fíli and offered to take Bahûna along.
Thorin agreed readily, saying, "A forge is no place for her and I will be there most of the day."
"They did a good job of staying out of the way while you both were on the hunt," Fíli said. "On the days Lark and Asrân were there she watched over them, but even when she wasn't, when they weren't wrestling or running around the yard they were plopped down in the shade sleeping."
The three turned their heads sharply when a knock sounded at the door. "Who the devil could it be this early in the morning?" Fíli wondered as his brother went to answer it.
They saw that Dwalin was their visitor, and Thorin noted Grasper and Keeper were strapped to his back, various knives tucked into sheaths on his belt; his boots each had one tucked inside.
He frowned as his cousin stepped inside. "What are you doing here at such an hour?"
Dwalin raised an eyebrow. "I am Lord Commander of the King's Guard. I go where my king goes."
Kíli looked back and forth between them. "Is this what you wanted to talk about at lunch?" he asked.
Stifling a sigh, Thorin nodded. "On relaying Lord Hagen's actions—both what we can confirm and what we suspect—to His Majesty and Princess Rejna, I was advised most strongly to accept a guardian. The king went so far as to point out that when I am prince of this kingdom one would have been assigned to me anyway."
He then looked to Kíli and held his gaze. "I trust my kin more than anyone here and I made no secret of that to the king. It was my intention to ask you to serve in this capacity, Irakdashat, for both Dwalin and Fíli have obligations you do not."
His nephew's expression darkened. "Oh, right—I'm the expendable one because I have no female to provide for. Thanks ever so much for the reminder, Uncle."
"Oh, come on, Kee, you know he doesn't mean it like that," Fíli said, then turned to look at him. "What do Melindë and Larkspur have to do with Dwalin or I becoming your bodyguard? Do you think us no longer capable of fighting in defense of you?"
Thorin turned to him. "Fíli, Dwalin will soon be a father and Melindë will no doubt soon be your wife. I cannot ask either of you to give up time with your new families."
"You did not ask me, Thorin," Dwalin pointed out. "It is what I do."
"Not anymore," he pointed out.
His cousin snorted. "I came along on this journey to keep you safe, might I remind you—I said I refused to let you go off without protection again. Did I not save you from having your head run through by an arrow a week ago?"
A groan of frustration escaped him. "Dwalin, I have no desire to be responsible for the possibility of making Larkspur a widow."
"And you won't. The arrow didn't kill me, either, as you can see. Just gave me a scratch."
Thorin turned a sour eye his way. "And what did Larkspur have to say about how you acquired that scratch?" he asked.
"She is glad you are safe, and I am to be more careful," Dwalin replied. "And just so you know, there's a slim chance I'd have met her regardless. Dáin was entertaining the idea of making a diplomatic journey west this year or next, to see how Belegost, Nogrod, and Highland are getting on now there's fewer dwarves in those lands. Balin wanted to go through the Shire and see Bilbo, so chances are I'd have met Larkspur then. Your resurrection just moved up the timetable a bit is all."
He shook his head as he sighed. "Hobbit lass or dwarf lass, Thorin, I'd have married within ten years of retaking Erebor because I wanted to make sure mine and Balin's line continues—we're it, you know. And whether you'd lived to be king or under Dáin's rule, I'd have been Lord Commander of the King's Guard. The lady I married would have had to accept my position and the dangers that go along with it."
"Are you saying that Larkspur understands your job as my bodyguard would entail putting yourself at risk in my stead if need demands, and might one day mean you give your life that I may live? You're telling me she's okay with that?" Thorin demanded.
Dwalin scoffed. "She's not keen on the idea that I may get hurt or even killed, but she understands, yes," he said. "Larkspur knows who you are, who you were born to be. She knows that as Princess Rejna's husband you will require protection, for not only will you be a prince upon marriage but one day you will be king. My lady wife is aware of how important it is that you live, especially since we do not yet fully understand Mahal's purpose for you. You must live if you are to find out what that purpose is."
"If you don't want either of them because they have families now, I'll do it," Kíli said. "I've got nothing else to live for, right? Might as well dedicate my life to something, have it actually mean something. What better service can I do than protecting the king?"
"And if you don't want us arguing amongst ourselves as to which of us will be your guardian," added Fíli, whom Thorin noted was studiously avoiding his brother's comment about having nothing to live for. "You can always select a guardian from among the army and hope it's not someone who feels as Hagen does."
Thorin snorted. "I'm beginning to wish I had. I wonder if Hakon would be willing?"
He sighed as he ran a hand through his hair. "There is another matter which none of you have considered: Whoever is my guardian will have to move into the palace when I do. Dwalin, you've just built a home for your wife so that she will not dwell too much on the separation from her family—she'll not want to give that up and you know it. And Fíli, how are you to convince your One that she will be safe with you, that she can trust you not to hurt her as she has been hurt in the past, if you are always putting yourself at risk for my sake?"
Drawing a breath, he rose and crossed the room to where a sullen Kíli stood. "Kíli, you are not expendable—never have I had such a thought and never shall I. The choice of you as my guardian is based solely on the logic of Dwalin and Fíli having a duty to their Ones, and even though both Larkspur and Melindë might be made to understand, I am not willing to take the risk of their losing the dwarf they love."
Thorin reached over and placed a hand on the younger dwarrow's shoulder. "When the day comes that your One is revealed to you, you will be dismissed from your duty to me, for I would not take you from her anymore than I would take your brother or Dwalin from theirs."
For a moment Kíli only stared at him, then his gaze traveled to his brother and to Dwalin, then fell to the floor. "Do… do you think it possible?" he asked softly. "I mean, do you really think she might still be out there—that there is still hope I will know love as you all do?"
Pain squeezed his heart to hear such loneliness and despair in his nephew's voice, and Thorin stepped closer so that he could embrace the boy. "I do not believe Sulladad would be so cruel as to not reward your sacrifice as he has rewarded ours. Mahal has no doubt already chosen her for you, Irakdashat. You just have to be patient."
"Uncle is right, naddith. No way you're meant to live the rest of your days alone. You're too kind and generous a soul to not know love," added Fíli.
"I believe as they do, lad," put in Dwalin. "Your heart will be healed one day. Just give it time."
Kíli sighed as he returned the embrace at last, and after a moment he stood back and cleared his throat. "Ah, well, if I'm to be your guardian, I'd best get my sword—wait, will I have to wear armor?"
"Rejna will demand it, I don't doubt," replied Thorin with a snort.
He then turned to Dwalin. "Do not forget that you have been offered a position with the army as a training officer. We will see each other often, I imagine. But before that, there's something else I would like you to do for me—or at least to get started."
Dwalin raised an eyebrow. "Oh? And what might that be?"
Thorin grinned. "You're going to build another hobbit hole."
Khuzdul:
binnaith'afsal – male homosexual (lit. "girl-less sexuality"; constructed by me)
