A/N: this is the one I've been putting off writing…

Setting: after End of Days


Chapter Fifty: Lost

……………………………………………..

Days. It had been days.

Jack was dead.

Jack was still dead.

Despite what Gwen said, despite what they'd all seen, Jack was dead.

We betrayed you, Ianto thought as he tidied up Jack's office, although why he was bothering he wasn't sure. I betrayed you. Oh God and for what? Silent tears escaped his control, trickling down his already tear-stained face. I'm so sorry, Jack… I should have loved you more… I should have trusted in you more…. "Please forgive me," he whispered into the collar of Jack's coat as the scent of the Captain overwhelmed him… it was all he had left… how long would it last? How long before even Jack's scent had faded away to nothingness?

But we carry on. It's what you'd tell us to do. We pick up the mess we made, putting things back together… straightening the papers on Jack's desk. Making coffee.

Weeping for the one thing that couldn't be fixed, the one thing Ianto wanted back more than anything else in the world. They'd all betrayed Jack, but of all of them, Ianto had known his secrets… except he hadn't known that Jack couldn't die.

Only he could die.

He was dead.

Ianto glanced at the monitor, the image of Gwen standing over Jack's body in the morgue. He wondered when she was going to give up and accept the fact that Jack was truly gone. He'd given his life to fix their mistake. And I would do anything to trade places with you, the Welshman thought desperately.

"Is there anyone we should contact?" Tosh's soft voice drew Ianto out of his thoughts.

Ianto blinked. He'd made the coffee. He'd joined her trying to put the rift manipulator back together. He didn't even remember walking out of Jack's office.

"Ianto?" Toshiko asked him again.

"I…I don't know. You knew him the longest." Knew… fresh tears threatened to break through.

"But you knew him the best." Her voice, her words… so soft.

It was true. Of all of them he knew Jack the best, he loved him and he still betrayed him...

Toshiko held him while he cried.

Owen just watched for a moment and then went back to whatever it was he'd been doing. The medic had very carefully avoided Ianto for the past two days.

Finally Ianto found his voice again. "There's… there is one person I should call," he answered the question Tosh had asked some long moments ago.

"Do you want me to do it?"

"No. If you could just fine the number for me? Just… whenever you get time."

Toshiko nodded.

"Her name is Victoria Waterfield-Davies. She teaches anthropology at the University of Manchester…" he could feel the tears starting up again. "He took me there once… we… we watched the stars together…"

"As soon as we finish this up," Tosh promised him. "Come on. We should get back to this then," she said of the repairs they were making to the rift manipulator, hoping to get his mind off how much it hurt for just a few minutes.

He nodded, wordlessly getting back to work, trying to pretend that eventually the hurt would go away.

Gwen was the only not pretending that everything was all right…the only one who seems to know how to hope…

Ianto found himself resenting her for her ability to hang onto something that slipped through his fingers every time he looked at the image of her hovering over Jack's lifeless body…hope… I envy you the ability to hope, Gwen Cooper… I might even hate you for it.

Every time he brought her a cup of coffee or something to eat, he hated her a little bit more – loved her a little bit more. Wished he had her courage.

"Oh God," Tosh breathed suddenly.

Ianto followed her gaze but he couldn't believe it. He blinked. It had to be his imagination, a dream… he was home… this wasn't real. It couldn't be… oh God, please let it be real…

Tosh ran towards him and he wrapped his arms around her, practically lifting her off the ground.

Jack.

Ianto stumbled forward unable to make his throat work, unable to think straight or even at all… but then those arms pulled him close. "Jack," he was barely aware that he'd spoken. It didn't matter, Jack cut him off with a kiss… I love you so much, Ianto thought at him. Just as soon as they were alone, Ianto was going to say it aloud. He wasn't going to wait until it was too late, he was going to muster up the courage and say all the things he'd spent the last few days regretting having not said.

First Jack had to confront Owen; he had to forgive him. Then he asked them to go out for coffee and Ianto was only too happy to go out with Owen and Tosh to get him coffee. There was nothing he wouldn't do for Jack.

The darkness had faded away, the cold had melted. I don't care if you never love me back, I love you and I'm going to tell you just as soon as we're alone. Ianto promised them both silently.

But when they got back to the Hub and the cog door rolled aside, he knew something was wrong…everything was wrong.

Ianto heard Gwen's voice. His brain processed the words that broke his heart.

Jack was gone. Something had taken him.

He was gone and this time he wasn't coming back. Ianto realized in a moment of burning clarity that Jack had always planned on leaving him. It's why he'd told Ianto about Flat Holm Island, why he'd taken him there. Jack was immortal, at least according to Gwen, so why else would he need someone to look after those people if he wasn't planning on running out on them?

I was never more than something to pass the time...