Lim didn't sleep a wink that night. She tossed and turned and whenever she finally did fall asleep, she would wake up again, either because of a nightmare or because the baby kicked her in God knows what organ. Her alarm finally went off at 6 AM, but considering she hadn't slept well and she was feeling very irritable, she knew it would probably be best to take the day off for both hers and her patients' sake. She didn't have any surgeries scheduled and when she called Andrews, he said that Cooperberg was available to cover the ER, so she went downstairs sincerely hoping Melendez was already gone. To her dismay, he wasn't.
Melendez was up and fully dressed, but he was only now pouring his coffee in a to-go mug. He looked over at Lim and scowled when he observed her still wearing her pajamas, "Why aren't you dressed?" he asked.
"Didn't sleep well, so I took the day off," she answered bitterly, reaching into the refrigerator and grabbing the bottle of orange juice. She had quickly discovered that high stress and arguing were triggers.
"Alright," said Melendez, "Did you want to talk about anything before I leave?"
"No," Lim quipped curtly, "Wouldn't want you to think I'm being too sensitive."
"Come on, Audrey, you know I didn't mean that…" Melendez said as he raised his voice.
"Oh no, I think you made it pretty clear last night that you're basically just waiting for me to go back to the way I was before the quarantine; back to the time where I showed no emotion and didn't get triggered by the most innocuous things and you didn't have to worry about walking on eggshells around me," she shouted, "Well, I got news for you: I may never be 100% ever again. The damage is done, the pulmonary fibrosis is there, the memories can't be erased!"
"Dammit Aud, this has nothing to do with your problems! You're just pissed because I didn't back you up yesterday. Heaven forbid I have my own opinion on how to treat patients!" yelled Melendez.
"That's not true!" she defended.
"It is true and you're just using the PTSD as a crutch!" he shouted back.
"Un-fucking-believable," she turned to go upstairs so she could shower and get dressed, "This is why I didn't want you to sell your house because now I'm stuck looking at your sorry ass all the time."
"Well, we create the schedules now. Do you want me to make the schedules this week so we're on different shifts where we won't have to see each other? Will that make you happy?" Melendez shouted up the stairs.
"Preferably!" Lim yelled before slamming the bedroom door shut.
Lim watched Melendez pull out of the driveway and speed off down the street. He was clearly breaking the legal limit but she didn't care at this point. She went to run herself some bath water and once she was engulfed in the warm safety net, she couldn't help but start to accuse herself of her life choices. She hated herself for the fact that she had broken her promise to never fall in love again after she divorced Kashal, she blamed herself for letting Melendez into her life in a way where they were more than friends, she chastised herself for getting knocked up (not that she hadn't wanted a baby and hadn't been feeling her biological clock ticking, but she had honestly thought about conceiving via a sperm donor like Laura had and being a single mom until she decided against it), and worst of all, she hated that as much as she wanted to strangle Melendez right now, she also had wanted him to be with her the night beforehand, to hold her as she woke up sweating, screaming, and with a racing heart, to say soothing words in her ear that everything was going to be okay. Shit. Why the fuck did her heart still ache for his comfort when she could barely look him in the eyes after what he had said to her?
A swift kick in her kidney brought Lim back to reality. She groaned a little and rubbed the spot to soothe it before letting out the water and getting dressed. She knew exactly where she wanted to go and didn't even bother to call her since she knew she worked from home most of the time now. When she arrived at her house, Lim parked on the street and pounded on the front door. Laura answered a few moments later, "Audrey?"
"Why did I let myself fall in love with that obnoxious, arrogant, self-absorbed son of a bitch? And why did I let him father my child instead of having some stranger do it like you did?" Lim stormed into the room without even being invited into the house.
"Hello to you too," said Laura, "Shouldn't you be at work, Audrey?"
"I took the day off. I didn't sleep well last night," Lim ran her hands through her hair as the tears started to stream down her face. This reaction was new territory for Laura. She had never seen Lim cry before: not when she was dumped by her high school boyfriend, not when either of her parents died, not when she divorced Kashal, not even when she told her she had miscarried. But somehow, Laura knew exactly what to do. She wrapped her arms around Lim tightly and said, "It's okay, Audrey; deep breath."
Lim mimicked Laura's breathing before she pulled out of her embrace, "I'm sorry to bother you. I better go."
"No, that's okay. Everly is taking her morning nap, I have time to talk," said Laura.
Lim nodded and sat down next to Laura on the sofa, "I don't even know where to begin."
Laura had the feeling Melendez was part of the issue considering the fact that he was whom Lim was talking about when she barged through the front door, "Well, did you have a fight with Neil?"
"Oh it was beyond that," Lim stated, "It started out as an argument about a complex case we're working on and everything just blew up from there. And the bastard told me I've been too sensitive lately. Like I wanted to get PTSD! I'm sorry I'm not the woman I used to be, Neil!" she said ironically.
Laura had noticed that herself. Not that Lim had become too sensitive per se, but with the pregnancy and the discrimination lawsuit and her fears about motherhood and the fears about her health, Laura had noticed Lim was struggling some. She just had too much pride to admit it, "Audrey, can I tell you something without you getting mad at me?" Lim took a deep breath and raised an eyebrow, "I'm not defending what Neil said because that was totally asinine of him, but I think he might be worried about you."
"So what? You're taking his side?" asked Lim defensively.
"No, well not with what he said. It's just…" Laura took a moment to find the right words, "Audrey, you have Neil, the baby, the promotion at work, not to mention your health and the PTSD. You've been hiding it well, but you've been struggling. Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to go back to your therapist."
"No," Lim said firmly, "I don't need my therapist. My treatment is done. It's been done. It was done in May."
"I know, but you know what your OB/GYN said. You know what your therapist said. You don't have to deal with this alone. You don't have to push people away," said Laura.
"You're wrong. I don't need any help. I'm over it. It's been almost a year since the quarantine anyways. Of course I'm over it," Lim stood, "I have to go. I have errands to run."
Lim stopped by the grocery store, which wasn't a pleasant experience. She felt every single individual around her was sick or was coughing or had some sort of physical ailment, but she knew it wasn't true. She bought some stuff to restock the cabinets and refrigerator (including some of Melendez's favorite flavor of potato chips, though she had no idea why she still cared about him enough to do anything nice for him right now) and headed for home. She put the groceries away and went upstairs into the only place that calmed her right now, the baby's room. There was no rocking chair or glider in there yet, so Lim just stood there in the middle of the room to try to ground herself. There was the Winnie the Pooh characters on the walls: Pooh, Eeyore, Tigger, Piglet, Owl, Rabbit, Kanga, Roo, and Christopher Robin. The crib was pushed up against the wall and the changing table was on the opposite wall. The dresser was next to it.
Lim took a shaky breath and pulled the most recent sonogram out of her jacket pocket. She didn't know whether to love the image or hate it right now. Okay, that was a stupid thought: she loved her baby girl more than anyone else on the planet. Which was why she felt this baby didn't deserve her as a mother. And it pained her to think that Neil had helped create her with their love. She was going to be the perfect combination of the two of them and now she couldn't even think about being in the same room as him. But yet, she still loved him. She still wanted to hug him and kiss him and fuck him and laugh with him and joke with him and watch him interact with their daughter and play with her and read to her and feed her and rock her to sleep. Lim finally sunk to the ground and let the tears flow profusely. She pulled out her cell phone and attempted to dial the number she needed, though it took her multiple attempts because her hands were shaking so much. Once she finally entered the correct number, the phone rang for a few moments until she heard her pick up, "Hello?"
"Dr. Jacobson, it's me, Audrey Lim. I need your help."
