Chapter 45
a/n: Not my best chapter. Sorry . Please Please Please review.
Rachel was curled up on Santana's bed. Her hand rested next to her head relaxed and peaceful. Santana couldn't help but watch her. Rachel still couldn't sleep in her bed. She hated Jesse for that. She hated Jesse for a lot of things, but the fact that he took away the safety and the sacred space of her bed was enough to make her blood boil. Rachel couldn't sleep before he convinced her to sleep with him. Santana suspected that Rachel's account of what happened between her and Jesse was more sugar coated in comparison to what had actually occurred. Calm down, she coached herself. She was Quinn. She was safe. And because of those things, she was asleep. And she hadn't awoken with a nightmare all night. Santana gave a small smile.
She realized that the weight had been lifted off of her shoulders since she and Brittany got back together. She didn't want to rely on the blonde, but she was surrendering to the fact that she loved her. And Brittany loved her back. Santana sighed. She was also the only person she could truly talk to. That had to mean something, right? She still couldn't take her guard down as much as she wanted to, she couldn't. However, the fact that she was giving in and the fact that she wanted to was enough.
Her thoughts were interrupted when she heard Rachel stir slightly. She saw her open her eyes. Rachel loved waking up in Santana's room. It was always dark. Her eyes didn't have to adjust very much. She looked over to see that Santana was looking at her with a look of quiet gratitude.
"What happened between you and Brittany?" Rachel asked as she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes.
"What do you mean?" Santana asked as she rested her head on her arm.
Rachel gave a small smile. "You seem…." She tried to find the right word. "Better." She rolled on her side and brought her palms together under her head. She squinted slightly, trying to read Santana's eyes. "When I left, you…You're just happier now."
Santana's look of relaxed gratitude faded. "We need to talk about that, Rach."
Rachel looked at her with eyes that Santana couldn't read. "Only if you're willing to talk about it."
Santana's eyes hardened she wasn't going to play that game. "This isn't about me, Rachel," she said clearly.
"It never is, is it?" Rachel immediately countered. She looked away. There was a pause. "Can I ask you something?" Santana shifted her eyes back to her and gave a dubious nod. "Did you always know that you liked Brittany?"
Santana raised her eyebrows high. Rachel wanted to talk to her about sexuality; she couldn't help but feel a rumble of foreboding deep within her stomach. She tried to form her words wisely.
"Is that how you feel about Quinn?"
Rachel gave her a slightly annoyed look. "I asked you the question. You can't answer a question with a question." She thought about the question nonetheless. "It was just there with her. It was as if I realized she was just there." Rachel shook her head. "But I don't…As well as it fits, it scares me that I'm accepting it so easily. What if these are feelings that come from being scared? And I'm clinging to her because of all that has happened."
Santana sighed. "I think you like her, Rachel. I think you're just confused because all that has happened." She sighed. "I think you would have liked her if all that happened hadn't."
"I didn't even know that I liked girls," Rachel said quietly.
Santana gave a small smile. "You were more equal opportunity for awhile. You like everyone as long as they give a chance," she told her honestly.
Rachel sat up slightly. "What about you and Brittany? How did you know?"
"I don't want to talk about me and Brittany," Santana said quickly. She recovered more gently. "We're talking about you. You and Quinn."
Rachel furrowed her brow. "But I asked you about you and Brittany to begin with."
"Rachel," Santana scolded sitting up and leaning against the headboard. "I don't want to talk about me and Brittany."
Rachel sighed giving in. She leaned against the headboard and rested her head on Santana's shoulder. "I went to go support Quinn at the court house on Wednesday, but then I started to worry about you so I ran back here…."
Santana knitted her brow. She wasn't connecting the dots. "Why? What happened?"
"I remembered what happened …. with you," Rachel whispered. Santana sat away from the headboard forcing Rachel to sit up. Santana looked at Rachel with eyes that she couldn't read. Although she could see that they were full of regret and sadness. She watched as Santana folded her legs up so that she could rest her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands.
"I'm so sorry, Rachel," she heard Santana whisper. "I always wonder what that day did to you. I'm so sorry."
Rachel put her hand on Santana's back. "San?" Santana didn't respond. "Santana, nothing happened to me that day, because you protected me. I'm just scared for you because you have that look in your eyes lately. Well you did… and then Brittany fixed it, right?... I just…" Rachel sighed. Santana was still not looking at her. "I just want to know what brought that look back….. Was it me?"
Santana's head shot up. Her eyes were filled with tears and her cheeks were stained with tears that had already fallen.
"No, it wasn't you, Rach," Santana said clearly. "Do you understand me?"
"Then what was it?" Rachel asked taking Santana's hand in hers.
Santana bit her lip and stared at Rachel's big confused eyes. She wasn't going to tell her. She couldn't tell her. Santana shook her head tearfully. "It happened a long time ago, Rach. It's over. It's done." Rachel's face didn't change. She cupped it gently in her hands. "And you don't need to worry about it. Okay?" Rachel gave a small nod not because she wanted to but because she knew that there was no changing her mind. Santana planted a kiss on her temple ad got out of bed. "Someday?" Rachel's voice was small. She said it when Santana was almost to the bathroom. "What?"
"Someday," Rachel began again, "will you tell me?"
Santana thought about the question. "Probably not, Monkey," she whispered as she went into the bathroom to get ready for the day.
When she came out of the bathroom, Rachel was just finishing on the elliptical. She gave her a weak side-glance as she put on some sweats and headed downstairs. Her fathers were already cooking.
"Hello, my eldest child," Leroy said looking up from the Turkey.
"Hi. She gave a sigh. "How can I help?"
"Pie duty," Hiram said frantically.
Santana exchanged an eye roll with Leroy and began working on the pie. Rachel wandered into to kitchen asking how she can help about minutes later.
"Well, what are you eating this year?" Hiram asked.
"Still a vegan, Papa," she said annoyed. "So…."
"Well then I can make that roasted squash thing liked last year?" he asked as he continued to hysterically get the table settings in order.
"Oh, umm… Papa?" Rachel asked looking over at Santana. Hiram simply looked at her waiting for her to continue. Holidays, especially this holiday stressed him out. "We invited people for Thanksgiving dinner." He and Leroy both exchanged looks.
"Who?"
"Brittany and Quinn," Rachel said casually.
Hiram and Leroy both gave a sigh of relief. "Oh, it's no problem that you invited your friends over," Hiram said with a frantic tone as he returned to his table setting.
"You and Brittany have been together for awhile, huh?" Leroy said quietly enough for only Santana and Rachel to hear. He returned to stuffing the turkey. Rachel looked over at Santana questioningly and Santana shot her look with a shake of her head.
Rachel continued to help peel and prepare items on the menu. She couldn't help but notice that the dining room table was becoming increasingly full. She glanced over at Santana. "Who all is coming?"
"Some people that we work with," Leroy shrugged. "You know some of them. You know what we tell you, he said with a laugh. "Doctors don't make have friends other than doctors." He tried to change the subject. "So how is Quinn doing?"
Rachel gave a smile. "She's doing fine."
"Yeah?" Leroy said absently. "Did she get emancipated?" Rachel nodded but continued to concentrate on chopping onions rather than look at Santana or Leroy. "And she's okay?"
"She moved into a studio apartment with the help of the Hummel-Hudsons," Santana said noticing that Rachel was being unusually quiet.
"That's good of them," Leroy continued as he turned away from them to load the oven.
Rachel glanced up at Santana. Santana couldn't read the tiny brunette's look. She could see something was building in her. She was about to ask her how she was doing but Rachel gave her a weak smile and shook her head and returned to cutting whatever she was cutting.
….
Quinn stared at her closet. She had no idea what to wear. What do you wear to your first girlfriend's family's thanksgiving dinner? She heard a knock at the door. She glanced back quickly at the clock. Was she late?
"Quinn, it's me," Brittany called from the outside the door. Quinn opened the door and saw that Brittany couldn't stifle a laugh. "You look like a mess." Brittany laughed.
"Shut up," Quinn huffed and went back to her tiny room with her tiny closet.
After a moment of calming, Brittany finally picked out an outfit for her. She watched the blonde nervously dress and get ready. "I don't know what to expect tonight either," Brittany said trying to relax the younger blonde.
"Seriously?" Quinn asked. "But you've known them forever."
Brittany thought for a moment as she attempted to process her words. Quinn could tell she was trying to be careful with whatever she needed to say. "There are some things that you need to know about the Berry's," Brittany finally began. Quinn looked at her waiting for her to continue. "Rach and San have had to take care of each other for a long time for a series of reasons. It's not that their dads don't care. It's just…. They are important people at the hospital and San and Rachel get that. However, they have to spend a lot of time on their own. Tonight is their attempt to demonstrate to the girls and themselves that they have it all together. You know what I mean?"
Quinn gave a small nod. "Parents aren't perfect. Trust me, I know that."
Brittany gave her a saddened look. "The certainly aren't." She stood up. "I know that Rachel's going to be very happy to have you there."
Quinn gave a nervous nod. "Let's do this."
….
The first guests to arrive showed up at the door fifteen minutes early. Santana answered the door. It was Michaela Griffith and her husband, Jack Salinger, head of plastics. Santana greeted them and took their coats as the wandered into the house. Michaela spotted Rachel preparing drinks in the kitchen.
"Can I get you anything?" Rachel asked politely. She looked around. "We have juice, water, wine."
"Water is fine," she assured. Rachel prepared her a glass and when she handed it to the woman she noticed that she was looking at her strangely.
"What?" she asked.
"How are you, Rachel?" Michaela asked quietly moving closer to Rachel.
She took a step back. "I'm fine."
"You seem to be doing great," she gave a weak smile. "Your fathers tell me that you've adjusted well back at school." Rachel looked down at her feet remembering all that she and Santana hadn't told her fathers. She gave a weak nod. Michaela continued. "You're an incredible person for being so strong." Rachel couldn't meet her eyes. She certainly didn't feel strong especially under this woman's glare. "I want you to know that I'm here if you need to talk."
Rachel could hold in an amused laugh. "Why would I talk to you?" she asked defensively.
Michaela looked at her surprised. "Well I'm your doctor. I'm your fathers' friend…"
"I don't mean to be rude," Rachel began. "But you spend more time with my fathers than my sister and I do. You were my doctor. You're not my friend."
"I know," Michaela continued. "But I could be." She remembered Rachel's broken and beaten body. Rachel could see that in her eyes.
"I know you're the doctor who admitted me," Rachel began dryly. "You're seeing me as that girl. You don't know me at all. If you want ice it's in the freezer. Please. Help yourself."
With that Rachel turned on her heels and walked out.
….
The doorbell rang and a smile washed across Santana's face when she saw Brittany standing there. She gave Quinn a nod as she went in to kiss Brittany.
"Thanks for coming," she whispered and she pulled away from the tall blonde.
Rachel entered the foyer from the kitchen. Her look of anger and sadness didn't go amiss. Santana opened her mouth to ask her what was wrong, but Quinn saw her and she saw Quinn. The look disappeared.
"Hey," she said with a smile.
"Hi," Rachel replied as she reached up and kissed Quinn softly. She wrapped her arms around her waist.
"Rach?" the four of them turned to see Leroy and Hiram standing in the doorway looking confused.
Rachel opened her mouth to explain. Quinn felt a pang. Was she embarrassed by her? She wasn't sure but Rachel's arm didn't budge around Quinn's waist. She would have pulled away right? Before Rachel could continue, she heard the doorbell ring again. Ralph Landon and his wife were at the door. Santana watched Rachel give another pained look. They were all the doctors that were there that day. Santana took their coats and watched as Leroy and Hiram led them all into the sitting room. She turned to Brittany to tell her something, but heard Rachel turn to Quinn and ask her with the most hopeful voice an innocent question that only Rachel could ask in such a sincere way.
"Promise me something?" Rachel asked. Quinn nodded. "Don't ever pity me, okay?"
Santana watched Quinn's reaction closely. The blonde simply gave a smile. It was as if she thought it was an easy request. The two younger girls walked into the dining room. Santana went to follow but Brittany held her back. She pulled her into another kiss. It was soft and delicate, but hungry and lust-filled all at once. Santana closed her eyes in ecstasy
"What was that for?"
"I thought you might need a little pick-me-up," Brittany said with a grin.
"Always," Santana laughed and kissed her again. Her smile fade and she looked at her seriously. "Thanks for being here."
"Anytime."
When the two of them walked into the kitchen, Rachel and Leroy and Hiram were having a heated discussion in the pantry. Santana gave Brittany an apologetic look and Brittany gave her a look telling her to go.
"What's happening?"
"You failed to tell us that Rachel and Quinn were dating," Leroy scolded quietly.
"That wasn't for me to tell," Santana said quickly.
"I would rather us not deal with this right now," Hiram whispered in a hushed tone.
"Agreed," Leroy said but he looked directly as Santana and Rachel. "This isn't over though."
Rachel shot Santana a look as all milled back into the dining room. Santana gave her a small nudge of assurance. Rachel responded with a weak smile but it only became a real smile when she saw Quinn. Santana couldn't figure out what was going on in her head, but she was grateful that Quinn was there to calm whatever it was simply by her presence.
They took a seat. Six doctors and four teenagers. It was tradition before the meal started for everyone to go around and say one thing that they were thankful for in one word. Santana smiled. At one point, everyone was allotted at least a few sentences. However, then Rachel learned to speak and her speeches went on forever. Therefore, it was narrowed to one word.
Leroy began. "Community."
"Family," Hiram said.
"Resilience," Michaela smiled in Rachel's direction but only to have Rachel glare at her.
"Hospitality," Jack nodded toward the hosts.
"Care," Ralph's wife said almost uncomfortably. Clearly, this wasn't her thing.
"Bravery," Ralph said as he looked in Rachel's direction. Santana and Brittany followed his gaze and watched as Rachel glared at him.
"Love," Brittany said squeezing Santana's hand tighter underneath the table.
"Forgiveness." Santana squeezed back.
"Beginnings," Quinn murmured quietly trying not to let her sheepish look at Rachel look obvious.
"Acceptance," Rachel said glaring at her fathers.
The tension at the table was unquestionably there. The doctors began to discuss a case as food was passed around the table. Medical discussions were always inescapable at their dinner parties.
"Could we possibly talk about something else?" Rachel said. Santana could see that she was annoyed. Where was this coming from?
"What would you like to talk about, Monkey?" Michaela asked as she passed rolls to her left.
"You can't call me that," Rachel retorted causing Santana and Hiram's eyes to flare.
"Rachel!" Leroy scolded. "That's rude."
"She can't," Rachel said as she met Leroy's glare.
"Kitchen. Now." He said in an unusually calm tone.
Rachel challenged his glare but then walked into the kitchen. Leroy followed her. Santana watched the swinging door slow behind them.
"What is your issue?" Leroy asked looking down at her. "And when did you and Quinn start dating?"
Rachel had her arms folded in front of her. "Recently. And I don't have an issue other than her thinking that she knows me."
"Rachel," Leroy said annoyed. "She's your doctor."
"She was. She's not anymore," Rachel urged. "What's your problem with Quinn?"
Leroy bit his lip looking down at his youngest daughter. "I have no problem with Quinn.—''
"You just have a problem with us dating," Rachel spat. "You're gay. Why can't I be?"
Leroy's eyes grew wide. "Where is this coming from? This is not the time and the place."
"No! Clearly it is!" Rachel fought.
The swinging door opened. "Will you keep your voices down?" Hiram asked. "We can all hear you."
"What is going on?" Santana asked coming into the kitchen.
"They are giving me a hard time about Quinn," Rachel explained.
"Stop this!" Hiram hissed. "Let's go back out there and eat this meal and enjoy each other's company!"
The three of them glared at each other before following back out and taking their seats. Rachel immediately took Quinn's hand and gave her a reassuring smile.
"So how long have you been with Dr. Landon?" Santana asked trying to change the subject as she turned to Ralph's new wife.
"Not long," the young woman laughed. "We've known each other only for a few months since I transferred to the hospital. He and I do well together. We just fit."
"I get that," Quinn said with a smile feeling a connection with this woman.
Leroy shook his head and took a sip of his wine.
"Do you have something to say?" Rachel asked defensively. She glanced over at Quinn and gave her a warm smile.
"We don't want you to get hurt, Rachel!" Leroy erupted. "Can you even handle a relationship right now?"
"Don't yell at her like that!" Santana spat.
Ralph and his wife looked immediate uncomfortable. Brittany noticed that Michaela and Jack almost looked like they expected this outburst.
"I can handle this," Rachel said in a strong but calm tone.
"Can you?" Leroy challenged.
"Leroy, not now!" Hiram hissed.
"Yes! She makes me happy," Rachel said as if it was the most understandable answer.
"Rachel, she is a distraction, baby," Leroy said gently.
"No, she's not!" Rachel was angered by this. Santana could see the train speeding up in Rachel's eyes.
"How would you know?" Leroy argued.
"Stop it!" Santana bellowed, but she was ignored. Brittany put her hand on the Latina's thigh trying to calm her.
"I really care about her, Mr. Berry—'' Quinn began but was cut off.
"Because I was already distracted with Jesse," Rachel said drawing Quinn, Santana and Brittany's shocked eyes to her. The train was now clearly out of control.
"Who's Jesse?" Hiram asked looking around.
"We should go," Ralph began. "Or we'll just check on the pie. Michaela, come help me check the pie."
She gave a look of disappointed she wanted to stay for this. Jack tugged her up and the four guest doctors exited quickly. But not fast enough to escape Rachel's words.
"A boy I had sex with," Rachel said with a stone cold face.
The room came to a stand still. Brittany looked at Rachel shocked that she would say that. Mentioning Jesse was a shock enough.
Leroy turned immediately to Santana. "How did you let this happen?"
"Don't blame her!" Rachel screeched. "It was my decision!"
"Well it was the wrong one!" Leroy roared.
"I am going to make mistakes! I needed to make that one!" Rachel shook with fury. "Santana was here. She's always here. You're the ones who aren't here."
"Well, we're here now, baby," Hiram said gently trying to coax Rachel away from her fury.
"I don't want you!" Rachel screamed.
"Rachel, you are hurt and you are going through something right now. We're here if you like it or not," Hiram assured the best he could.
"But you're not really here. You never were. I don't want you. Santana is who I go to. I don't need you to protect me. And don't look at me like that. I'm sure you talked to her about protecting me from the big bad world. Well, have you ever asked yourselves who's protecting her?" Rachel was almost breathless. Something had triggered this and Santana was trying her best to decipher this behavior.
"Rachel, calm down, monkey," Santana whispered as she came behind Rachel's chair.
"No! They need to hear this." Rachel turned her attention back to her fathers. "You never cared about her as much as you did me."
Santana stumbled back. This is again not what she was expecting.
"That's not true!" Hiram exclaimed with a distraught tone.
"It is!" Rachel pleaded. "How can you not see that?"
"Rachel, you were easy to love…." Leroy began. He immediately realized the weight of his words and kneaded the bridge of his nose in frustration.
"Fuck you!" Rachel bellowed. "How dare say that!" His eyes flared at that response, but he knew he needed to try to fix this. He took a deep breath.
"What I'm trying to say is that we've always loved her. Always. She's so independent and she's been through so much. We couldn't love her in the same way we did you," Leroy attempted to recover.
Rachel glared at him. She shook her head. Tears couldn't be held in anymore.
"You smothered me. You made me out to be perfect… and now that I'm not…. You're so eager to make me into who I used to be. " Rachel glared at them and her chest heaving in the height of the moment. Her breaths began to slow. "She's gone."
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