Chapter 52

Rowan's Point of View

After Jax stormed out of the house I slightly pulled myself back together and went back inside. I rummaged through the laundry room off the kitchen and found a bucket and sat it in the sink and turned the faucet on. As I knelt down to look under the sink for carpet cleaner I could feel Gemma's presence behind me. I tried not to sniffle as I picked up an off the wall brand of cleaner and dumped some in the bucket. I wanted to clean the piss up out of the carpet and get any trace of Kohn out of this house. Out of Abel's room.

I turned the faucet off and lifted the bucket out of the sink turning on my heel to see Gemma standing in the middle of the kitchen holding that damn picture of Jax and that skank. It felt like my heart was on fire inside my chest. It was hard to breath; like smoke was invading my lungs. Pretty soon my bones would turn to ash and there'd be nothing left of me. "I'm sure this was a hard blow to take." Gemma swayed the picture in the air.

"I'm fine." I lied.

I sat the bucket down and took the picture out of her hand and marched into Abel's room. I tore down all the pictures on the wall quickly and walked back into the kitchen and found one of Jax's spare lighters on the kitchen table and to Gemma's surprise lit them on fire and tossed them in the kitchen sink.

There now they're gone. I thought doing that would make me feel a bit better, but it didn't. At all.

After grabbing a few rags and some towels I walked back into Abel's room and started trying to get the piss out of the carpet. Gemma began quietly picking up things off the floor. I could feel her eyes on me as I scrubbed the carpet. I seriously wish I had gloves. This is so gross and disgusting. Tears welled in my eyes the more I scrubbed.

"That picture," Gemma started to say as she knelt down across the room to pick up a few children's books off the floor, "doesn't define who Jax is."

I paused, listening to her words, but unable to say anything back yet in return. She was seriously going to bat for her me and her son? I didn't expect that.

"We all have pasts, sweetheart. But that's the thing, they're pasts." Gemma placed the books back on the half book shelf under the window and caught me glancing at her. "You don't think Clay and I have had our fair share of ups and downs? We have. This just recently being one of the downs. But if you love the man, you learn to accept the past."

It was so easy to be mad at Jax for sleeping with that girl. But we weren't even together when it happened. Sure we had been flirting and all but we hadn't defined what we were to each other. So, do I even have a right to be angry with him? Maybe it's easier to be pissed at Jax over this because I can actually take out my frustration and anger on him when in reality I'm just pissed at Jerry for doing this to me. To Jax. To Abel. To the club.

But what's to stop him from cheating in the future?

I know we discussed that and he'd sworn to me that he would never do that to me, but how can I trust him? How can I trust anyone anymore… Jax looked so sincere earlier when he'd apologized to me. I've seen many sides to Jax over the last few weeks, but today for the first time I saw that he was scared…of losing me.

In all honesty I think I'm scared of losing him.

Wow. I just 'd myself and now my head is spinning. I dropped the rag I'd held in my hand back into the bucket of water as my phone vibrated in my back pocket. I pulled it out and saw Lena lighting up the screen.

"Hey." I answered, my nose stuffy making me sound like a weirdo on the phone. "Dude. Your boyfriend just went completely insane and threw your landlord through a window on Main Street. It was fucking awesome!" Lena blurted out quickly.

"What?!" I stood up clenching my fingers around my iPhone. "Is he okay? Was he hurt? I mean did he look hurt?"

"He seemed okay, he was limping though. I was across the street and couldn't get to him because of the cops, but he looked like he was following Hale to the station. What the holy fuck is going on?" Lena questioned, waiting impatiently for me to give her all the details. I didn't want to get into all the gory details with her over the phone.

"I'll tell you later. I gotta go." I hung up and turned to Gemma who was looking at me for an explanation. He was limping which meant he was hurt. But he was riding his bike which meant he was okay. My heart faltered in my chest.

For a minute the thought of Jax being hurt took precedent over who he'd slept with.

"Jax threw Kohn through a window. They're going to the station." I informed Gemma, running a hand through my hair haphazardly. This was all working on my nerves.

"You should go to him, I'll stay here and clean this shit up." Gemma said, nodding at me.

I did want to go to Jax; more than anything. Before I let my feelings take over I walked out of the house and got in my car to head to the station.

Jax's Point of View

Hale placed me in a interrogation room for questions as soon as we got to the station. He was kind enough not to cuff me and haul me in for assault. I sat slumped in my plastic chair holding an ice pack over my hand. Medical had taken a quick look at my leg where Kohn stabbed me with a pair of scissors and ruled it as a flesh wound.

They said I'd be fine. I could care less about me right now.

Rowan was the only thing I was worried about. I tried to play by the book and let the cops handle Agent Kohn, but they didn't do shit. So I did. I regret nothing and would do it again in a heartbeat if meant this guy was out of Rowan's life for good.

A gnawing ache settled in my thigh. The door opened and in walked Unser and Agent Stahl. ATF bitch that's looking into SAMCRO.

Stahl and Unser sat down at the small metal table before me. "Barber says you came in for a haircut and Agent Kohn attacked you with a pair of scissors, so you pushed him through a plate glass window." Stahl said, leafing through a folder with papers in her hands.

Unser crossed his arms over his chest and glared at Stahl. Guess she's about as well liked around here as she is at the club. "Self-defense." She continued looking up at me.

"That's what Floyd saw. I guess that's what happened." I kept my face neutral and stared back into her grey cold eyes.

Stahl grinned, shaking her head. I wasn't giving this bitch anything. "That's fantastic. Tell me, are they all just afraid of you or convinced that you are a necessary evil?"

Floyd's been a loyal friend of the club for years. So it was no surprise that he didn't rat me out to the cops for starting the brawl. "You charging me?" I shot back at her. Her voice was getting on my nerves and all I wanted to do was go home and see if I still had a girlfriend to come home to.

After finding out that Clay new Lowell's dad was dead and buried with those Mayans that were dug up this morning this was just the icing on the cake.

"No charges." Unser said; his old voice scratchy and shaky sounding.

As I started to get up Stahl asked, "Why does Kohn have a hard-on for you?"

"You're the smart ATF broad. Why don't you tell me. I'm sure you already know why." I shot back at her, pausing before getting up.

Stahl gave me a wicked grin. "You're right, I do. Rowan Collins, right? The charming all american girl." She said. "Let me guess, high school sweethearts, right? No. That would be," she looked down at the papers in her folder, "Tara Knowles."

"Don't you find it a bit odd that a girl of Rowan's pedigree would take an interest in an outlaw biker like you? I would be a little skeptical myself. I mean she fears for her life, so she gets with the only man she knows who wouldn't have a problem putting a fed through a plate glass window." She groaned on and on. Her voice grating on my last nerve. She was trying to get under my skin. "It's beautiful really. I mean she gets you to take care of the bad guy and then she's free to go off to Boston to accept her internship now that her mother is gone. It's all quite convenient, don't you think?"

Rowan never mentioned going to Boston to me.

Stahl batted her overly mascara laden eyelashes at me. "You done?" I snapped, sick of this stupid little posing match we were having.

"Yeah, she's done." Unser answered for her.

I got up slowly, careful of my leg and walked out of the interrogation room. My nerves were shot and I need a smoke. I walked out the front doors of the station and saw Rowan pacing back and forth at the bottom of the stairs. She was hugging herself and chewing on her fingernail. She looked up an saw me and bolted for me.

She crashed into me and wrapped her arms around me. I instantly wrapped my arms around her waist, holding onto her for dear life. "Hey, it's okay." I murmured into her neck before kissing the side of her face.

Rowan pulled back slightly and caressed my face. "You're okay? Lena said she saw you put Kohn through a window." Her hands and eyes roamed over me checking for any injuries. Her eyes landed on the blood on my jeans and she froze, paralyzed by the fear I could see on her face. "I'm fine. I'm alright. I promise." I took her face in my hands and she nodded her head.

I pulled her in close again and held her against me, breathing in her scent. Her arms locked around my neck and she nestled her face into the crook of my neck. I could feel her heart beating against my own almost in rhythm. "I'm sorry." She whispered into my neck. "I'm so sorry for all of it."

I was the one to pull back. Tears filled her eyes. She was blaming herself for this. I could see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice. "This is not your fault. This is on him. Not you."

She wiped her eyes and then took a few tentative steps back away from me, like she didn't want to invade my space anymore. Her eyes fell to her sneakers and I knew I should say something, anything.

The doors to the station opened and two cops walked Kohn out in cuffs. I stepped in front of Rowan blocking her as they walked past us. I felt her hand intertwine with my own as she stood behind me. Kohn glanced at her and smirked and pure rage coursed through me. I felt her squeeze my hand and it was the only thing keeping me grounded.

We watched as Kohn was put into the back of a police cruiser. "Unser said Kohn was suspended from duty in Chicago for misconduct. He wasn't even supposed to leave the state. They're sending him back so Chicago can deal with him." I turned to look at Rowan. She looked so lost and scared and confused. Part of that was my fault.

"Listen, about Nevada…" I tried but she let go of my hand. "I don't wanna talk about it here."

"Well, then meet me at the fight tonight." I offered, "I'm gonna follow Kohn out of town and make sure he leaves." I placed my hand on her cheek and watched her eyes flutter closed at my touch. Her hand instinctively went up to my wrist and held it. "Jax, I don't know wha—"

"Meet me at the fight tonight. If you come then I'll know we have a chance of fixing this. If not then… I promise I'll let you go…" I whispered…

Rowan's Point of View

Jax kissed my cheek lightly and walked away. I stood there frozen and watched him get on his bike and follow the cruiser with Kohn in it off the lot. I took a few deep breaths as I walked back to my car and got in. I rested my arms and head on the steering wheel. Everything in my life has gone to shit. Jax was the one good thing that had happened to me.

I wanted to still believe that.

But maybe his world burned to bright for someone like me.

I drove back to his house slowly. Gemma had left a note on the table saying she'd gone to pick up some paint and primer to go over Kohn's artwork on the walls of Abel's nursery. I sat down on the floor of Jax's bedroom and leaned against his bed with my knees tucked under my chin.

I felt exhausted emotionally and physically. I was at the point where I was tired of crying over everything. It was like since my mom died the dam broke and they just keep coming and coming. I wished my mom were here to tell me what to do or how to handle this situation. But she was gone and I knew I'd never get used to this feeling of being completely on my own now.

Jax had his faults. But then again so did I. We were both only human. We were going to make mistakes. Huge ones. Everyone made mistakes. But Gemma's voice echoed in my head, those mistakes don't define us. The night Jax stopped to fix my car in the diner parking lot I think he fixed a piece of me and ever since then he's been mending the pieces of me that have been broken.

I half smiled sitting on the floor because I realized what my mom would have told me. She would say that life is short and we only get so much time with the people we love and not to waste it on the past…

A/N: SOOO will she show up or wont she show up? Dun dun dun... Cliffhanger. ;p