The Adventures of Tino Väinämöinen II - Twisty Tangly Plot Thing
What, you wanted the adverts? What kind of dull person watches adverts? Then again, what kind of complete and utter idiot puts adverts in the middle of a freaking movie? Aside from Mathias.
But I digress.
'U-uh... this store is great! The owner's really friendly... uh... it's all here! Batteries to fridges to cameras, they've got it all! So... um... come to Héderváry Electronics where good deals are made every day!'
There, you've got your advert. You hear that? Go to that Hungarian pervert's store. The power of Tino's bunny ears compels you.
Right. Now back to something relevant.
Following his defeat - wait, he got defeated? Must have happened offscreen. Anyway, following his defeat, Tino walks the streets by himself, and thinks to himself out loud.
'Hmm... the Tino beam didn't work on that evil sailor. What do I do now?'
And now we cut to Tino going back to his room at the back of the café. Doesn't he have a house?
Other heroes transform into their alter-egos, but for some reason Tino needs to get changed like a normal person. Sigh... anything for the sake of suggested fanservice- we still don't have the footage, by the way. Stop asking for it. Perverts. But he's off to work now, and mustn't be late.
Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, Berwald walks aimlessly down a street in the middle of nowhere. He's wearing that same slightly-terrifying expression he was before, but that's his default expression. He doesn't really want to murder everyone in their sleep. Honest.
But oh no! Eirikur has appeared in front of him! Berwald... uh... just stops walking and stares. In case you hadn't guessed, Berwald's not the most talkative person ever.
'...who're you?' Berwald finally makes some kind of reaction.
'I'm an esper.'
'...'n what d'you want with me?'
'I've come from across the sea to take your super-alien powers... or something.' Something? Sounds like someone hasn't quite learnt his lines properly...
'...you're a nuisance.'
'Then I shall use force if I must, and don't expect an agree- wait. I shall use force if I must to... obtain your hidden powers, that's it.'
'...how?' Don't ask stupid questions, idiot.
'Like this.' Eirikur raises his flag Steve and waves it around, sending a beam of light... lightning... stuff at Berwald. Oh no! Now what will he do?
Ta-ta-taaah! Tino to the rescue! Tino appears out of nowhere and pushes Berwald out of the way of the beam... see, he's much stronger than he looks. A little wobble, though, and both Tino and Berwald are on the floor again.
'Whoops...' Tino stands up and dusts himself off. He points dramatically at Eirikur. 'I will never let you get away with this, you evil sailor, you!'
'I - oh, crap, I can never remember this line - you win this round, butler. You won't be so lucky next time, I'll... destroy you? Yeah, destroy you.' Eirikur, after horrifically fumbling his lines, turns and walks away. Why doesn't Tino chase after him now he's got the chance? Well, there are more important things for the plot to be doing. Like sexual tension.
Berwald, having also got up at some point offscreen, turns to stare at Tino. Well, it looks like a stare, anyway.
'Ohyaaaa! I-I'm just a bunny passing through! Th-that's all!' Blatant lies. Still, Tino takes this opportunity to exit stage right. Sorta. It's not actually a stage. We'd have someone exit pursued by a bear, but we don't have a bear... and I should probably stop this before I give a certain someone ideas.
'...who was he?' And with a forced look of awe- who wrote this? His expression never changes! Anyway, Berwald watches as Tino runs off, his little attached bunny tail bobbing along behind. And... wait, the camera's tilting up again? Why? Is the sky that interesting?
Once again, I'm going to have to ask for your imagination. A large chunk of the story seems to have been kidnapped and we couldn't pay the ransom. Sorry. So after this and that, involving you-know-what, we've now moved to what is apparently a lake. If you ask me, it looks more like a giant oddly-shaped pool, but what do I know? I'm just the narrator. Anyway, the flames of battle have burst up again! ...I think.
'E-even at times like this I will never run away! You're an evil bad esper, you... and you'd better leave at once!' Tino pulls some bizarre poses while talking, and now here's a seizure-inducing power-up sequence! Of a few seconds, anyway. It pretty much just consists of zooming in on Tino's face again and again while playing a synthesised fanfare.
'You're the one that should leave this time plane now - we shall seize him and his powers because he's valuable to us... uh, while we seize him, we'll be taking over.' Ah-whoops, just zoom in on Eirikur's face to hide the fact that Berwald was standing in the background. He wasn't supposed to be there.
'U-uh, I won't let you do that! I will risk my own life to stop you!' We can't see the stupid posing this time, because we're zoomed in so close to Tino's face we'll probably end up hitting him on the nose.
'Then prepare yourself, for I'm about to kill you.' Wait, where did those minions come from all of a sudden? The first minion steps forward, ducking under Eirikur's arm.
'Kesesese...' he laughs, and the other two stumble forward like zombies. The three slowly make their way towards Tino. I think it's supposed to be menacing, but honestly? It just looks cheesy. Still, some cheese is quite tasty. Anyone ever tried Jarlsberg?
Sorry...
'A-ah! Gilbert! Not you... get yourself back together!' ...I think he means pull yourself together. Gilbert's not in pieces.
'...Dahahaha! Oh, Tino, I can't take you seriously like that!' ...Ok, now he's in pieces. 'Sorry, Tino, the awesome me's kinda under the control of the esper guy right now. Here goes nothing!' And making some rather stupid noises, the three minions approach Tino.
I think they're being controlled by the little white flag Eirikur's been waving around for about a minute. Now he's trapped. Tino, what are you going to do now? They're just innocent bystanders who've been captured and brainwashed by Eirikur!
Ok, not so innocent any more. The minions pick Tino up and just throw him in the pond- sorry, lake. Poor Tino can't do a thing to help himself. As he struggles around in the water, who should turn up but Berwald? Properly, this time. Saying nothing, as usual, he reaches out for Tino to grab his hand. Tino does just that, and is soon pulled out of the lake.
Right then. So where the hell did Eirikur and the minions go? And where's Berwald actually been this whole time?
'Ohh... the water's so cold...' Yeah, Tino, we hear you. It doesn't look that clean either. What heartless minions.
Berwald's staring at Tino again. '...what're you doing here?'
'A-ah! Uh... evil people... um...' Tino stutters trying to find the right words while trying not to look terrified.
'This is where you're supposed to faint!' ...who was that? It didn't come from anyone on screen- oh. Whoops. Must have forgotten to edit director's orders out. How stupid of me.
Tino, rather unsurprisingly given those orders, passes out straight into Berwald's arms. How cute. Berwald simply picks Tino up and starts carrying him off somewhere.
Now, I suppose normally you'd call an ambulance, or maybe ask a passer-by to get help. Berwald seems to think the right thing to do would be to carry this poor, cute little guy off somewhere. Alien logic, eh? And Eirikur and the minions seem to have disappeared without finishing Tino off for good, which I'm sure they'd be perfectly capable of doing... With all these plot holes the size of craters, we... tilt up to the sky again? Is this the default action for 'moving on to the next scene'? And we've reached the halfway point.
Hold on. We're only halfway through? How long is this, anyway? My patience is being tested... oh, here's a little jingle and a cute picture of Tino. Lovingly drawn by... I dunno, someone.
Anyway, we appear to have moved to Berwald's house. I think it's Berwald's anyway... what bothers me is that Tino, whom we last saw being pulled out of the lake, seems to have just got out of the bath. Which means that instead of giving this potentially-injured person medical attention, Berwald's taken him home, bathed him, and is now lying him out on a bed. What?
I'll take this opportunity to remind everyone that we are most definitely watching a movie, with actors playing characters that just happen to have the same name as them... but it is all fiction. Get it?
Tino stirs. Berwald's pulled up a chair from goodness-knows-where, and is sat beside him.
'...'wake now?' Berwald asks. Which is a pretty stupid question, Tino's opened his eyes and is quite clearly awake, if a little woozy.
'J... joo... where am I..?' Make that very woozy.
'...m'room.'
'Uh... thanks for taking care of me...' Tino knows his manners, at least...
Tino closes his eyes, and Berwald puts his arm around him to keep him vaguely upright. Their faces get closer and closer, and it looks like they're about to kiss... where the hell did this all come from? Oh yeah, Berwald's been staring at him a lot. That totally makes sense.
'Hold it.' And the lighting changes again as Eirikur suddenly enters through the window. Berwald sits upright, letting Tino fall asleep again. 'Berwald Oxenstierna, don't go down that route. Choose me instead. It's the only way to unlock your true powers.'
'...what d'you mean by that?' Right, why isn't Berwald surprised by Eirikur's entrance at all? I mean, he's hardly the most expressive person ever but there should at least be some kind of reaction... shouldn't there?
'All I'm saying now is you have two choices. Choose me, and let the universe evolve, or choose him and destroy the future.'
Berwald is worried at this point, apparently. Actually... Eirikur was definitely talking about him, right?
'...so'm a key, nej? A key does nothing by'tself, but it can open doors and when this door opens...'
...yeah? When this door opens what? Come on, Berwald, that was almost a complete sentence!
'...nej. 't's too early t'decide. Tell me th'whole truth.'
'There will be time for that in the future, but now is not it. A lack of information is more of a handicap.' Eirikur steps back out of the window, presumably to leave. It's a good thing we're on the ground floor, otherwise Eirikur would be a big splat on the floor by now. Which would apparently be an unsatisfying ending. It'd be funny, though.
You could say they were setting up a plotline there... but that nonsense was entirely incomprehensible. Eirikur's good at nonsense. I suppose the important thing is that the two have reached some kind of understanding. Maybe.
And... oh, another advert break. It's still a stupid idea, but oh well, it's in here now. Have your stupid adverts.
A/N: Lots of random doodles on my dA, again link in profile. Yay!
...where did everyone go? There's a review button down there, I think? [is totally not begging]
Next chapter concludes the epic movie of epic!
Until next chapter, au revoir~ [Had a French speaking exam yesterday... which went pretty well, actually. Just talked about Haruhi for a while. Worked wonders.]
