A/N: I didn't think I'd be able to get this up before Christmas, but I'm glad I did! Merry Christmas, guys! Or whatever you celebrate :)
Although I will do my best, I think it would be wise to just say don't expect the next update before next year. Sad, I know. Holidays are hampering my writing time, but I promise I will still try :)
Not much else to say. I'm a wee bit nervous about this chapter, but I really like it a lot. I hope you guys like it, too. Enjoy!
Give Me a Sign
Chapter Forty-Eight
The Great Divide
No more throwing stones tonight.
This glass house can't take the fight.
Help me calm this hurricane.
Before this moment slips away.
Are you listening?
Don't look away.
Hear me say,
I need you now.
-The Great Divide – Emmy Rossum
Renesmee
Despite the headway that Jake and I had made, it was still awkward going to bed that night. Jacob kept his shirt on again, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell him to take it off. Instead, I snuggled up to him and kissed his neck.
"I love you, Jake," I said softly.
He kissed my forehead. "I love you, too, Ness. Sleep well."
I woke up the next morning feeling like I'd had my eyes closed for minutes instead of hours. I didn't feel rested at all; I was still tense and worn out. Jake and I got up and got each others' medicine like usual, then he had to get ready for work. He kissed me before he left. I stood in the room for a few minutes like I had the day before, just trying to decide what to do with myself.
I restarted the laundry from the day before and thought about everything that had happened. I still felt like there was so much that needed to happen between Jake and me before we could go back to being normal. I wasn't sure if we could get back to how we were before, though. Thing had changed between us, that was for sure. Whether it was a good change or a bad one, I couldn't tell. After I'd turned over the laundry, I took a hot bath and tried to just relax. As I lay soaking, I looked down at my stomach. I wondered what it would be like to be pregnant. My hands covered my lower belly. I remembered Leah doing the same thing and Sam covering her hand with his. I closed my eyes and imagined Jake holding me and smiling because I was carrying his child.
I couldn't deny that I was jealous of Leah. And of Sam, a little. Leah had everything that I had wanted since I was a little girl; she had a husband who loved her and a baby on the way. Although she'd fought it, she'd given in to what Sam wanted. I wondered if that was the reason I pushed Jake so hard. Sam got his happily ever after; where was mine?
I thought back to what Sam had said about Jake. It made so much sense to me, but Jake had said it was a stupid idea. He didn't tell me if there was a different reason, though, so I couldn't be sure if there was one or if he was just being stubborn again. I should have known he wouldn't admit to being afraid of something like that. I still wished I knew for sure.
After I got out of the tub and folded the laundry, I took the blanket from the bed and went to curl up on the couch with it while I watched a movie. It took me a while to decide on one to watch, but finally I picked out The Matrix. After I got it set up, I wrapped the blanket around myself and snuggled with a pillow.
I couldn't remember anything about the movie. I knew I'd seen at least the first few minutes before I fell asleep, but when I woke up, the screen was blank. I felt better, though; less exhausted. My stomach gurgled at me, so I got up and put the movie away before I went to the kitchen to get something to eat. I was surprised to find it was already three o'clock. I snacked on some fruit to keep my stomach happy until Jake got home. I remade the bed, then went back to the kitchen to decide on something to make for dinner.
I ended up making some breaded chicken with Alfredo pasta. The pasta was done at four-thirty, but the chicken took an extra fifteen minutes. Jake hadn't gotten home by the time I turned the stove off and got some plates down. I set the table and got some drinks. At five o'clock, I started to get curious. It wasn't entirely abnormal for Jake to get home so late, but it didn't happen often. I wasn't sure what to do with myself as I waited. I thought about calling him, but I didn't want to bug him if he was driving.
At five-fifteen, he finally got home. I was a little taken aback by how relieved I was when the door opened. I met him in the living room, and he pulled me into a tight hug.
"Hey, baby," he said as he kissed the top of my head. "Sorry I'm late; my dumbass boss came by when I was supposed to get off."
I smiled. "It's okay. Welcome home."
He pulled back and kissed my lips. "Thanks. Something smells good."
"I made dinner."
He kissed me again. "You're too good to me, Ness."
He helped me move the food to the table, then we sat down to eat. "How was your day?" I asked.
He smirked. "Boring as fuck. If I had my way, I'd have the client come check the place out now just to get it off my hands. Contractor would miss out on the extra pay, though, so of course he won't do it."
"Is that why he came down today?"
"No. This is really good, by the way." He stabbed a piece of chicken and used it to scoop up some noodles. I watched him and admired the way the sauce stuck to the the sides of his lips. I wanted to lick it off for him. He spoke again after he'd swallowed. "He came down today to talk about the foreman job again. I told him to go to hell. He didn't like that."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean I won't be working for him anymore. I'll finish this job, but he doesn't want to hear from me again. I'm fine with that. He's been a decent boss so far, but like most everyone else in the business, he gets his panties in a bunch when he doesn't get his way."
I had to smile. "He'll come crawling back to you in time."
He snorted. "I hope not. How was your day, baby?"
I shrugged. "Not bad. I finished the laundry and tried to watch a movie. I ended up taking a nap instead."
He nodded. We finished eating, then he helped me clean everything up. He turned to me in the kitchen and pinned me against the counter with his arms on either side of me. I looked up at him and put my hands on his chest. He leaned down and kissed me softly.
"I love you, Nessie." He spoke against my lips, and it made me shiver.
"I love you, too."
He kissed me again, harder this time. My hands slid up to his shoulders as he opened his mouth and licked my lips as if to taste them. It felt like it had been forever since the last time we had really made out. I wanted to do it now, but even opening my mouth and licking his lips like he'd done mine, he didn't take it further. He gave me one last, closed mouth kiss, then he pulled back. I stared up at him in confusion.
"I need to take a shower, baby. I'll be right back."
He walked away after one more kiss, leaving me alone in the kitchen. I stared after him wondering what just happened. A part of me wanted to chase him and ask to take one with him, but another part was afraid to. I didn't want to get turned down, but even worse was I knew what he would think if I did ask. I wanted to be near him and kiss him, but I wasn't sure if I could make love with him yet. There was still so much we needed to talk about and get straightened out. Instead of going after him, I put the clean dishes away and went to sit on the couch to wait for him.
It could have just been my perception, but it felt like forever before Jake came back. He was in a pair of sweats and his black wife beater tank top. I felt so stupid when my eyes watered and my chest hurt. It shouldn't have bothered me one bit, but I was disappointed in a weird way I wasn't sure I even understood. He sat next to me and rubbed my back.
"You okay, baby?" he asked.
I nodded and turned to fold myself against him. I felt like he was hiding from me; like wearing a shirt meant he was trying to shield himself somehow. I wanted to be let in and to have the kind of easy trust between us that we'd always had. Or at least that he'd always had in me.
"What's wrong?" He kissed my head and started to play with my hair.
I had no idea how to tell him what I was thinking. I ran my fingers lightly over his chest. "I don't know."
He hooked his fingers under my chin and made me look at him. "Yes you do," he said softly. "Please tell me."
"It's stupid," I warned.
He smirked. "You say that all the time, but it never is. Trust me, baby; tell me what's wrong."
I licked my lips and closed my eyes. "Nothing's really the same anymore, is it?" I opened my eyes to see him staring at me with a strange look on his face.
He shook his head slowly. "No, it isn't."
I didn't know what to do or what to say. There wasn't really anything I could do or say at this point to put things right. It all seemed so over my head. The only thing I was certain about was that I loved Jake and I wanted to figure something out. I reached up to touch his jaw.
"What do I do?" I asked. I needed a starting point. I'd never felt so lost.
His brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"
My eyes watered, and I leaned into him. "I mean how do I make it better?"
Jake sighed deeply, moving me with him. "You can't just make it better, Ness."
I leaned back quickly, my heart breaking as my stomach turned. "What?"
His arms wrapped around me to pull me onto his lap. "Calm down, baby. I just meant it's not something that either of us can fix easily with a few words or whatever. It's deeper than that, and I know you know it."
"Then what do I do?" I begged. "There has to be something—"
He hugged me tightly. "Nessie, baby, it's okay. We'll get through this. Just because things are different doesn't mean we have to give up."
I wanted to believe him. His arms around me felt so good and so safe; I never wanted to move. "I love you."
He kissed my head. "I love you, too, baby. I've never been good at fixing a relationship, but I'm going to try. I'm not giving up, and I'll be damned if I let you."
His reassurance and determination gave me hope. I shifted enough to kiss his neck. "I won't either."
He squeezed me harder for a brief second. "I'm glad to hear it."
We were both quiet for a few minutes. I closed my eyes and just rested against him, my ear on his chest. I listened to his steady heartbeat and rhythmic breathing, just enjoying this moment of peace. I had no idea what time it was, but I found myself beginning to slip in and out of consciousness. One moment I was staring at the wall by the couch, and the next I was opening my eyes to find my face planted firmly in Jake's neck. I sucked in a breath that quickly turned into a yawn. Without my permission, it spread throughout my body and became a stretch.
Jake chuckled and kissed my head. "Are you tired?"
I couldn't deny it. "Yeah."
"You said you took a nap today, didn't you?"
I looked up at him and nodded. "Yeah, but I didn't sleep very good last night."
He kissed my lips then checked his watch. "It's only about seven, but we can go to bed if you want. I could use some extra sleep."
I smiled to myself, happy that he didn't assume an early bedtime meant anything was going happen physically. We got up and went to the bedroom. I brushed my hair and my teeth, then got in bed next to him. I frowned when I saw he was still wearing his shirt. He pulled me close and turned on his side to face me. With the blanket brought up to my chin and Jake's arms firmly around me, I kissed his lips and sighed. I was going to try to find a way to ask him to take off his shirt when he distracted me with an unexpectedly deep kiss. My hands that had just been resting near his shoulders gripped the fabric as I sucked in a breath. Jake teased me with his tongue, giving me enough to taste him but not enough to do anything with. I think I may have grunted out of impatience before I went after what I wanted. I pushed myself impossibly closer and shoved my tongue into his open mouth. He finally took the hint and started to really kiss me back the way I needed. His hands gripped me harder, one behind my neck and the other at my hip.
There was something off about this kiss. The taste and feel of him spread through my whole body the way it usually did when we kissed like this, but something felt strangely forced. His hands eagerly pulled me even closer, and I loved every second of it, but at the same time it felt wrong.
Without warning, Jake broke the kiss and grunted as he rolled to his back. I leaned up on my elbow and scooted closer to him.
"Jake?"
He looked at me and licked his lips. "I'm sorry, Ness. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing." He reached up and ran his fingers through his hair, grabbing a fistful.
I leaned in and kissed his jaw. "What do you mean?"
He met my eyes and hesitated for a second. I wasn't sure what to think about the look on his face. He seemed almost scared. He sighed. "I mean I want nothing more than strip you naked and fuck you right now, but I don't know if I can. I mean I can, but . . . Jesus, I don't know." He didn't sound happy to admit it. He closed his eyes and turned his head away, his hand still in his hair.
I smiled and slipped my hand up to his cheek, urging him to look at me. He did, and I lightly kissed his lips. "I know what you mean."
"You do?"
I nodded. "Yeah. I want to be with you, too, but not like that. I just want to be close."
The hand in his hair finally let go and went to my wrist, sliding gently up my arm to my shoulder. His other arm wrapped around my back and pulled me close to him. "Come here, then," he said softly.
At his insistence, I climbed on top of him. His hands held my hips lightly as I rested against him, my head on his shoulder and my legs entwined with his. I still wasn't very comfortable. I felt like there was something blocking us, even like this. I sighed and nuzzled my face against his neck.
"You okay?" he asked. He rubbed my back lightly and kissed my head.
I shrugged. "I don't know." I knew what it was, but it sounded so stupid to me. I sighed again and pushed myself up, sitting on his stomach. "Jake, can I ask you something?"
He looked up at me and held my waist. "Of course, baby."
I licked my lips and stared down at his chest, trying to tell myself he would understand. I watched my fingers splayed against the fabric of his shirt for a moment before I finally spoke. "Why did you keep this on?" I met his eyes and plucked at the shoulder strap of the shirt.
His hands squeezed my thighs as they moved slowly toward my knees. "I don't know. Does it bother you?"
"I don't think it should, but it does."
"I can take it off, babe." He moved me back to his thighs and sat up. The thrill of having him so close to me like this made me suck in a quick breath and take hold of his shoulders. His arms wrapped around me in a tight hug that felt like heaven.
"Are you sure, Jake?" I asked quietly against his skin. "I don't want you to be uncomfortable."
Without letting me go, he pulled back just enough to look at me. He softly kissed my lips twice. "I'm sure, baby. I'm okay." He kissed me once more before he pushed me back a little further and lifted the shirt over his head. I didn't hesitate to put my hands on his chest. "Can I take yours off, too?" He rubbed my arms gently.
With one barrier out of the way, it only made sense that I could get even closer without my clothing. I nodded and let him take it off. Once it hit the floor, he smiled the relaxed, sexy smile that I loved, and his hands skimmed over my shoulders to my breasts. He didn't touch me to turn me on. It was the same reason my hands were still on his chest; because he could. I was his, and he was mine, and we just wanted to touch. I couldn't deny that it felt good, though, especially when his thumbed grazed lazily over my nipples. I did the same to him, and he smirked at me.
"Feel better?" he asked.
I nodded and leaned in to kiss him. "Yeah, I do."
His hands left my breasts to pull me into a hug. "Me, too." It felt so good to have my body pressed against him like this. I kissed his neck and just held on as he laid back down. He rubbed my back lightly from my shoulders to my hips and back again. I smiled to myself and closed my eyes. A part of me wanted to remove the rest of our clothing, but I was nervous to do that. Even though we both agreed it wasn't the right time to make love, it seemed like too much too soon.
"Ness?"
I leaned up on my elbows by his shoulders and met his eyes. "Yeah?"
"I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything, okay? That hasn't changed. I feel better; more stable. If you'll just . . . I don't know, warn me or something if it's about the kid thing. I promise I'll do my best not to get upset again."
I kissed his lips. "Okay. You, too."
"I love you, baby. More than anything."
"I love you, too."
"Is there anything you want to talk about tonight?"
I licked my lips and took a deep breath. "Honestly, I just want to be with you tonight. Is that okay? I mean, if you want to talk about stuff, we can."
His hands slid up my back and pushed my hair behind my shoulders. "No, that's okay. Lay back down, babe. Just let me hold you. We can deal with other shit later."
I nodded and laid back down on him. Neither of us said anything else, but no words were needed. The peace that surrounded us in that moment made me wish it could last forever. I closed my eyes and listened to his heartbeat as his fingertips danced up and down my back.
"Babe." Jake's voice startled me. I opened my eyes and looked up at him. He smiled and kissed me. "I need you to move, Ness."
I nodded sleepily and started to crawl off of him. He didn't let me get far. I laid back down next to him and curled up, my arm across his chest and my leg over his. "Don't you need to get up?" I mumbled.
He reached over and turned off the lamp before squeezing his arm around me. "No. I'm fine with you on top for a while, but it's a little uncomfortable trying to sleep that way."
I frowned. "I'm sorry. Did I fall asleep?"
"Yeah, but it's okay. I love you."
I nuzzled my face against him and yawned. "Love you, too."
The next morning I woke up feeling much better. I was still next to Jake, although his arms had fallen away from me in his sleep. I took a deep breath and kissed his shoulder as I ran my fingers over his chest. I looked at the clock; it was set to go off at eight so we could get ready for therapy. We still had an hour. I closed my eyes and rested against Jake to try to get a little more sleep.
Ten minutes later, I gave up. I wanted to let him sleep a little more, though, so I carefully got out of bed and found my shirt before I left the room. I sat on the couch for a while, just staring at the blank screen of the TV. I thought about how things had changed so drastically between Jake and me in less than a week. I wanted to talk to Dr. Furst about some of the things that had happened, but I wasn't sure if Jake would be comfortable with that. I thought about asking to see him alone for a few minutes, but then I wondered if Jake might want to be there. I leaned forward and rested my forehead in my hands. I was so confused. I knew I had to leave that decision up to Jake, but I was nervous to ask him. I wasn't even sure why . . . I suppose I didn't want him to get upset and tell me he didn't want Dr. Furst to know about any of it.
I heard Jake get up and took another deep breath to hopefully get myself together. He said my name just before I heard his footsteps coming down the hall.
"I'm right here, Jake," I said, raising my hand awkwardly.
He nodded and stopped at the end of the hall. "Everything okay?"
I got up and went to him. "Yes, everything's fine. I just didn't want to wake you up, so I came out here."
He nodded again and wrapped his arms around me. "Okay. Good morning."
"Morning. Did you sleep well?" I stood on my toes to kiss him.
"Yeah, I guess so. You?"
I shrugged. "Better than the night before."
"That's good." He kissed me again.
"Um . . . are you hungry?" I licked my lips and looked at my fingers on his chest.
"No, but we need to get medicated anyway."
Without letting me go, he maneuvered us to the kitchen. We made toast and took our pills, then Jake took my hand and led me to the living room. He sat on the couch and pulled me gently to his side. I sat and leaned into him.
"Are you sure you're okay, Ness?" he asked.
I looked up at him and nodded. "Yeah. Why?"
He half shrugged. "Because you don't look okay." He looked down and met my eyes. "Something's bothering you."
I sat up and sighed. "There might be . . . kind of." I watched my fingers on my lap, picking at an invisible hangnail.
Jake put his hand on mine and leaned forward enough to see me. "Baby, I meant what I said last night. You can talk to me about anything."
I nodded. "I know, Jake. I'm just nervous. I know I don't need to be, but I am. We're going to therapy today, and I want to talk to Dr. Furst about what happened."
He didn't yell or stand up or even hesitate like I'd thought he would. Instead, he nodded. "I think that's a good idea."
His sudden acceptance caught me off guard. "Really?"
"Really." He kissed my head. "Can I ask for something, though?"
"Yeah."
He took my hand, entwining his fingers with mine. "I don't want either of us to be caught off guard today by anything. If there's anything you want to talk to him about that you haven't told me yet, let's go over it now."
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I knew what he was saying and that it was a good idea, but I was afraid. On one hand, he could get upset, and the distance between us would just get bigger. On the other hand, he had promised to try to stay calm. I looked up at him and squeezed his hand. "It is kind of about the kid thing."
He swallowed and nodded. "Okay."
Why was this so hard? I licked my lips and closed my eyes for a brief moment. "I'm jealous," I finally admitted.
Jake rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb. "Of what?"
"Of Leah. And Sam." That moment in their basement when he held her hand over her stomach replayed in my mind again.
"I understand Sam, but why would you be jealous of Leah? She's never wanted this."
I looked up at him. "That's part of it, Jake. She doesn't want it, but I do." My eyes watered, and I looked down to try to hide it. "Why should it happen for someone who doesn't want kids and talks about aborting when I would give so much to be in her position?"
Jake made me look back up at him, and he wiped under my right eye with his thumb. "Nessie, you saw her the other day; she's supposed to be on complete bed rest."
"That's not the point. I'm not saying that I want to be on bed rest or have complications. I'm saying that I want to know what it's like to be pregnant and feel my baby grow inside me." He pursed his lips and started to withdraw from me. "I know you don't want kids, Jake. I'm not trying to convince you or ask you to change your mind. You wanted to talk about it before we went to therapy, so I am."
He nodded, but didn't come back to me. Instead, he pulled his hand from mine and stood up. He didn't say anything as he started to walk around the room. I sat on the couch watching him and wondering what his silence meant. A part of me feared it meant we were right back where we were before. He stopped across the room and leaned against the side of the entertainment center.
"Was that all you wanted to talk about?" His voice was soft, but I could tell he was still tense. His arms were crossed over his chest, and his hands were clenched into fists.
I honestly couldn't remember if there was anything else I had wanted to talk to Dr. Furst about that Jake didn't already know. "I think so."
He nodded. "Okay. Let's get ready to go." He pushed away from the center and came up to me, holding out his hand. I reached out and took it tentatively. He pulled me up, and we went down the hall.
I sat on the floor by Billy's old bed, my knees brought up to my chest. I rested my chin on them as I remembered the words Dr. Furst had said. Some of it had been good. He told both Jake and I that some feelings and emotions should not need to be justified, just expressed. We shouldn't ask each other to explain our point of views yet. It wasn't necessary, especially when our relationship was so new. There were more important things to work on, like the basic foundation of our relationship.
The part that really caught me off guard and had me in tears was when Dr. Furst told me that I shouldn't even be considering children yet. I was too mentally unstable to care for a child. He said it in nicer words, but I knew that was what he meant. He recommended a plan to tend my garden for a few months, and if all the flowers survived, Jake and I could consider getting a pet. If the pet survived, a year or so later, then we could look at more steps. He had also said something about the future pet being a good trial for Jake to test his anger management. Losing his temper on a dog or a cat would be better than on a child. Again, he said it in nicer words, but I still knew what he meant.
When we got home, I needed time by myself to calm down and at least try to come to terms with what we'd talked about. Jake didn't seem upset. He kissed me and told me to come find him when I was ready.
I tightened my arms around my legs and took a deep breath. I didn't want to give up hope that I could be a mother someday. From the way Dr. Furst was talking, he wasn't sure I'd ever be ready. He said to take it one step at a time and not to plan for anything too far out of reach. It was highly unlikely that a baby would be the next step after a pet. I didn't know; he didn't tell me what would be after that because he wanted me to focus on the here and now rather than the future and the what-ifs.
I sniffled and looked around the room. It was so familiar to me now. I remembered how nervous I had been the very first night I stayed after I moved with Jake, though. I remembered sleeping with Jake's baby picture on the pillow just because I wanted so badly to be near him. With a sigh, I unraveled myself and got up on my knees to get into the drawer behind me. The only thing in it was the picture. I took it out and smiled sadly at it. I wondered if it was okay to still wish for a little boy to look just like Jake while working on myself, my relationship, and my garden. I might not be able to plan for it, but I could still dream, right?
I put the picture back and stood up. I wiped my eyes and ran my fingers through my hair, then took a deep breath for courage and went to find Jake.
He was sitting on the couch playing with something small in his hands. He looked up at me and kind of half smiled. "Hey," he said softly. "Are you okay?"
I nodded and sat down next to him. "Yeah, I'm okay. Are you?"
He shrugged. "I don't know. I guess."
"What's wrong?" I put my hand on his arm and looked to see what he had. It looked like a small, round medal of some kind.
He took a deep breath and held it tightly in his hands. "I've been thinking about what Dr. Furst said. I mean about getting a pet and how it would help me control my temper and learn how to take it out in a constructive way. Everything he said reminded me of Ruby." He twisted the medal again and stopped with the face of it up. It was a dog identification tag with Ruby's name on it. "I don't know why the fuck I didn't get rid of this. I should have, but I couldn't. It's been in a box in the top of my closet for years."
I scooted a little closer and kissed his shoulder. "I don't blame you, Jake. I wouldn't have gotten rid of something like that either."
"I think about getting another dog, and I think of her. I don't know if I can." He still didn't look at me.
My heart sank. "You talked about that a while ago, remember? You suggested we got a dog or something instead of a baby."
He laughed once without humor. "Yeah, I know. I wasn't exactly thinking clearly, Nessie. All I wanted to do was get your mind off having a damn baby. This is real. I know you're going to do a great job with your garden, and in a few months you're going to want a pet, and I know you're not going to settle for a fish or something."
"But, Jake, that's the next step. How can I take the next step if you don't want to? It's not like I can get a dog or a cat and keep it away from you all the time." This wasn't fair. A pet was his idea originally, and I had really thought that meant he would be okay with that once we got there.
He shook his head. "It's not that I don't want to, okay? I do want to help you get better and work on our relationship and all that bullshit. Hell, I want to get myself better so I can still fit in your life. What bothers me is that I don't know if I'll be ready for that in just a few months."
"What do you mean so you can still fit in my life?" He always fit, no matter what.
He looked over at me, and he seemed really nervous about something. It was so unusual; he was always strong, and I was the timid one. "The past few weeks I've noticed something about you, Nessie. You're getting better, more confident. I love seeing it, baby. You've always been so sweet and sexy and beautiful, but you're turning out to be so fucking stunning when you don't let people tell you what to do and what to think. That includes me. I know I've done it a lot, and I'm sorry for that. You're learning who you are, and I'm afraid that I won't be what you want when you get it all figured out."
I didn't even know what to say. What he was suggesting seemed so ludicrous to me. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, Jake." I took his hand and held tightly. "We have been through so much together. You've been such a huge part of my life since the moment I met you. How could I ever want someone else?"
He shrugged. "People change, Ness."
I remembered telling him the very same thing after I bit him. I looked down at his arm and the scar there. It was a little discolored, slightly lighter than the rest of his skin. It was obviously teeth, and I wondered briefly what people thought when they saw it. I put my free hand over it and leaned in to put my head on his shoulder.
"You're right, Jake. People do change. Both of us have changed so much in the last few months." I pulled back to look at him. "But I can tell you one thing that has not changed and will never change is that I love you."
He smirked. "You sound so confident."
I furrowed my brow. "Why are you doing this, Jake? No, scratch that; what exactly is it that you are doing, because right now I'm confused. Are you trying to tell me that you want to work on our relationship, or are you saying that you want to give up on everything because you think there might be a chance I'll change my mind?"
"I don't want to give up. I told you yesterday that I won't do that." He tightened his hold on my hand. "What I'm saying, Nessie, is that I need you to be patient with me. I'm trying, baby, I swear I am. I might need more than just a few months, though."
"I'm not going anywhere. I don't even know if I'll be ready. All I can ask is that you try, Jake. That's all I can do, too."
He nodded and leaned forward to put the dog tag on the coffee table, then sat back and pulled me onto his lap. I rested against him and kissed his neck. "I love you, baby." He kissed my hair and squeezed me tightly. "I'm sorry I've been such an asshole."
I wanted to tell him that he wasn't an asshole and remind him that I hated it when he talked about himself like that. Instead, something else tugged at my heart. I didn't want to get into it. Whether he was or he wasn't, I just wanted to put it behind us. "I forgive you, Jake."
"Thank you."
"I'm sorry I was such a bitch."
He pushed me back and made me look at him. "Nessie, listen to me. You—"
I shook my head. "No, I was. I wanted something so badly I didn't even consider your thoughts about it. I made a few bad decisions myself. I'm sorry."
He smiled. "See what I mean, Ness? You're getting so much better. A month ago, you wouldn't have interrupted me. I love seeing you so strong." He hugged me. "You're not a bitch. You never have been and you never will be, but I do forgive you for those bad decisions."
I nuzzled my face against his neck. "Thank you." I felt better knowing he was able to put the bad things behind us as well. We had kind of talked about it a little bit the night I'd gone to Leah's, but this felt more relieving like we'd actually made a little headway this time.
We were both quiet for a while. I closed my eyes and reached up to play with the neckline of his shirt. It would have been nice to say that I was enjoying the peace of the moment, but almost as soon as Jake and I stopped talking, my mind started to go over all the therapy stuff again. I sighed and kissed his throat lightly.
"Jake?" He hummed and rubbed my back. "Can I bring up the kid thing again?"
He kissed my head and pushed lightly on my shoulders. I sat up and met his eyes. "Yeah, baby. What is it?"
I licked my lips. "I'm . . . I don't know. I'm disappointed, I think."
He nodded. "You didn't hear what you wanted. I know, baby; neither did I."
I tried to smile. "Can I still look forward to it, though? I mean, if I see a baby or some really cute outfit, does this mean I can't think it's adorable and want one?"
He sucked in a deep breath and rubbed my arms for a moment before he spoke. "I don't think so. Nessie, just because I don't like kids or Dr. Furst says it shouldn't be in the immediate future doesn't mean you have to give up on all of it."
"Really?"
He shifted under me. "Yeah. I'm not saying that we'll get there, Ness. I've realized that asking you to stop talking about it or getting uncomfortable when you do is bullshit, though. You like babies and I don't. That's just how it is. It'd be the same as asking you to stop dipping your pizza in ranch because I think it's gross."
I smiled and leaned in to kiss him. "Thank you. I promise not to do it all the time."
He smirked. "I'd appreciate that."
"I love you, Jake."
He kissed my nose. "I love you, too, babe."
"Is there anything else we need to talk about?"
"I'm sure there's a ton of shit we still need to talk about, Ness. I feel a little better, though. How are you?" He pushed my hair back behind my shoulders and lightly pet it down my back.
"I feel better, too."
"Good."
We sat on the couch for a while longer. It was mostly quiet, but occasionally we'd talk about something random. It didn't matter if it was related or not. It felt good to just talk. After an hour or so, we got up to eat lunch, then I went outside to tend my garden for the few minutes I could.
A/N: Well, things are getting better anyway. Thanks for reading!
I'm on Twitter: SheeWolf85
I have posted a holiday present for all of my wonderful readers. It is a Christmas o/s outtake of Give Me a Sign; Jake and Nessie's first Christmas together. It does have some spoilers of things to come, but nothing major. It is called Bittersweet Christmas, and you can find it on my profile.
