Chapter Forty-Three: Empiricism in Heaven
The bed-room was huge and regal, dominated by an enormous four-poster bed curtained with thick red velvet. The warm brown wood of the walls and the intricate rug covering the floor all gave the room an oppressive atmosphere. But incongruously, the entire left wall had been cut away and replaced by windows overlooking the white marble of the palace's interior. Looking down from those windows, Kahoru could see a great waterfall plunging from a cliff above her into a pit beyond her sight. If she stared deep into the water, she could just barely make out the infinite blackness outside the walls of glass. "How tacky. I had honestly thought Madoka would have more understated tastes."
"I think if you succeed, your palace would look very much like this," Riko said. She was sitting in a chair off to the side of the room, her hands folded demurely in her lap.
"My palace would be far more stylish. It would have a lot less running water, too. But it's fine for me to pursue the grandiose. I've always thought big." Kahoru frowned, staring at her half-reflection in the windows. "I'm different from Madoka."
"Perhaps," Riko said.
Kahoru turned away and threw herself onto the bed. She rolled over and looked upwards, putting her hands behind her head. "I can't sit still. I wish I could use the records. Then I could confirm what Homura is thinking and doing."
"There's no use in worrying about that now," Riko said. "Whatever happens will happen."
"I know. This is the weakest link in my plan," Kahoru said. "I've done whatever I can to feather the scales, but when all's said and done, it's Homura's choice to make."
"Just wait serenely," Riko said. "That's our way of doing things, right?"
"Guess so." Kahoru rolled over again, facing Riko from the bed. "So, what is it you have to say? You're here for a reason, right?"
"Not really," Riko said. "I suppose I want to say 'thank you'. No more than that."
Kahoru frowned. "You died along with everyone else, right? There's nothing to thank me for."
"That's not what I mean. Everyone in Kyoto knew they were risking death. We fought knowing that because we had something worth defending," Riko said.
"That's fine, but it's my job to make us win. Guess I made too many enemies," Kahoru said. She closed her eyes. "Well, whatever."
Riko smiled at Kahoru's prone body. "You remember my wish, right?"
"Of course. You were protecting yourself from that creep teacher," Kahoru said. "What about it?"
"You always grope everyone, right? It's famous," Riko said. "The way you hug people from behind when you're toying with them."
"It's not groping," Kahoru said. She opened her eyes and sat up, glaring at Riko. "I only do that when I'm dealing with stubborn girls who need to loosen up. It's a social strategy, you know, a social strategy. Just one of the ways I let everyone know I'm the boss."
"I know that," Riko said. "But I realised eventually that you never did that to me. Not once. So I'd like to thank you."
"That's because you were always obedient," Kahoru said. She looked away. "I never needed to humiliate you."
"I see," Riko said. "But still, thank you."
"You came all the way here to say that?" Kahoru said. She rubbed the back of her head. "I don't get it. No, in the first place, is it really that unusual for someone to not be hugged by me?"
"It is, you know," Riko said. "Like I said, it's famous. Tsuya always said Yurino and I were the only ones to escape from it."
"Well, everyone else caused me endless troubles," Kahoru said. "That's why, I guess."
"It's fine," Riko said. "I understand." She closed her eyes. "Honestly, it was scary, becoming a magical girl. I don't know what I would have done if you and the others hadn't been there to guide me."
"You're welcome," Kahoru said. "But don't count yourself out. In just a year you went from a scared greenhorn to someone I could leave the north to. Even without us, you would have been fine."
"I wonder," Riko said. "I'm not so sure."
Kahoru laughed. "Be more confident. I won't be around forever, even if we make it back."
Riko nodded. "We'll be your strength. If it comes to it, you'll win. But what should we do after you're gone?"
Kahoru shrugged. "After me the flood."
Riko laughed. "I see. I guess we'll work something out by ourselves."
Kahoru closed her eyes. When she opened them again, Riko was gone. But the room she was in hadn't changed.
"It's rude of you to say I have bad taste," Madoka said. She was standing by the window.
"Just calling it how I see it," Kahoru said. She stood, glancing towards Madoka from behind. "Sorry about earlier. I need to put on a show when the others are around, you know."
"I think you'd get on better with people if you were less worried about that sort of thing," Madoka said wryly.
"We both know I'm not here for advice," Kahoru said. She grinned. "So why don't we get on with the negotiations? This is a battle between you and I. The others are just so many pieces we're playing with."
"The negotiations can wait," Madoka said. She turned to face Kahoru, smiling. "For now, shouldn't we get to know each other a little?"
"Is there any need for that?" Kahoru said. She raised her hands. "I've ruined Homura's life. And it's not like I want or need to kill you but I am going to drag you from your throne. That makes me your enemy, doesn't it?"
"Maybe we're enemies, but that doesn't mean I hate you," Madoka said. "Of course, Homura is special to me. But as god, I'm not supposed to take sides. I try to understand everyone."
"You've already taken sides," Kahoru said. "You should be honest about it."
"I'm just touching things up, that's all," Madoka said. "But you have a point. I'm still curious about you, though. Just because we're enemies, that doesn't mean I can't get to know you. You take a lot of care to know your enemies, right? You pay more attention to them than you do your close friends."
"That's just me getting the most out of my akashic records," Kahoru said. "You're the same, right? You know all about me without saying a word to me. So this conversation is just for your own self-satisfaction."
"Is it so wrong to want to talk to someone?" Madoka said. "That might gratify me, yes, but I'm hoping you'd enjoy it as well. You don't speak freely about your feelings to anyone, after all. Since I know everything anyway, feel free to use me to say all the things you can't say, even to your sister."
Kahoru laughed. "I don't need it. I've come this far relying on my own strength, keeping my own counsel. Until the end of this battle, I'll continue to live as I have before now. Doubts and weaknesses are things to be hidden, not exposed."
"Isn't that a stoic point of view?" Madoka said. "Controlling your emotions."
"Of course," Kahoru said. "It's the responsibility I have as a leader."
Madoka cocked her head. "I know. But that's what I find strange about you. A stoic should endure all the world's hardships, but you deplore everything painful about the world. You hate that people suffer and die. Despite that, you refuse to express your own pain, or recognise the pain of the people around you. If you, your friends, your enemies, can endure pain for a greater cause, why shouldn't the world endure?"
"I'm a stoic in the modern sense," Kahoru said. "I just control my emotions. I don't think the human will can transcend or redeem human suffering. For millennia that suffering has continued, an inseparable part of life. But I'll sever that connection. If a few sacrifices are necessary to make that happen, then so be it."
"Would saving the world make you happy, though?" Madoka asked. "It's said happiness is a zero sum game in our world. If you want to become a god of miracles who will transform this fallen world into an ideal one, just how many hardships will you suffer alone, with no one to comfort you? It's not something a person can do."
"I'll endure it," Kahoru said. "I have a responsibility. As the girl born into Homura's age with the akashic records as my power, I'm the only one who can challenge you. Before now and after my death, there will be no one else. So how I feel at the end of everything doesn't matter at all."
"You said the human will can't transcend suffering, right?" Madoka said. "So why do you think you'll be able to endure?"
Kahoru shrugged. "Just how many hardships do you think I've gone through before now? I've learned not to doubt myself."
"There are times when self-doubt is healthy, though," Madoka said.
"Well, if I win, we'll find out one way or the other," Kahoru said.
Madoka sighed. "Either way, you won't be happy."
"What does that have to do with anything?" Kahoru said. "You chose duty over happiness as well, didn't you?"
Madoka shrugged. "I suppose so. But I managed to walk a very narrow path in the process. You're a lot more ambitious than I am." She smiled. "You consider yourself a pragmatist, but you're really an idealist, aren't you? You want everything."
"I suppose so," Kahoru said. "I've always prided myself on thinking big."
"But you're still sacrificing yourself. You know as well as Homura that my life is a lonely one," Madoka said. "And you love life as much as anyone. You don't want to die. But you don't want to give up your memories or your sister's freedom or even fall into Aiko's illusions. You don't want to make that kind of compromise. So why are you so happy to ensure you've never been?"
"You're certainly here, aren't you?" Kahoru said. "Maybe you're lonely, but it's lonely at the summit. And your consciousness is certainly here, an unbroken thread above all time. That doesn't sound like a bad deal to me."
"Not for you. But you have people who care for you, right?" Madoka said. "You'll be leaving them behind."
"That's something you did as well," Kahoru said.
"Just because I did it, that doesn't mean it's right," Madoka said. "I also have regrets, you know."
Kahoru smirked. "That's just fine. If you're wavering, I'll set you free. As for Yurino and the rest, it's nothing compared to what the world could gain."
"I think it's unfair for you to compare the feelings of those around you with the good of the world," Madoka said. "It's not selfish for them to want to be with you until the end."
"Sorry, but you really don't have any conviction when you say stuff like this," Kahoru said.
"I can say it because I understand," Madoka said. She smiled sadly. "But it looks like your mind is made up."
"Of course. I wouldn't have come this far otherwise," Kahoru said.
"I know." Madoka turned away, looking out over the waterfall again. "You have a childlike ambition. A dream of a perfect world. I admire that. But the price of that dream is probably higher than we can conceive."
"I'll pay it," Kahoru said. "I'll be the only sacrifice at the end. So you just watch and wait. You'll be back with your family before you know it."
"And just like that, you try to make me another of your followers," Madoka said. "It's seductive, you know. The sense that if I leave everything to you, it will all work out for the best."
Kahoru grinned. "Isn't that the nature of god? The worshipper throws away their own judgement and surrenders completely to a higher power."
"You aren't god, Kahoru," Madoka said. "We're both just girls."
"You're god, a universal law. And I'm just a girl, but I'm more competent than most," Kahoru said. "Kyoto taught me this much. When people are faced with pain and death, what they want isn't freedom. It's order. They want to be protected, to know their place in the world. You haven't done that. While humans suffer, you say nothing at all."
"I can't shoulder all the suffering of the world," Madoka said. "Not as a god, nor as a human. It's fine to chase the ideal of a perfect king, but you're just burdening yourself with more and more pain, without being able to say anything at all. For the sake of reassuring others, you can never receive reassurance. That's painful for me to watch."
"I chose to do it, so I won't complain," Kahoru said. "I have my pride, after all."
Madoka smiled. "Tell me, Kahoru, have you ever fallen in love?"
Kahoru laughed. "Of course not. Do you think I've had the time to waste on something like that?"
"It's not a waste of time. It often happens before you know it," Madoka said.
"Love is the emotional framing of the reproductive drive," Kahoru said. "It's useless for magical girls. Ritsuko can do what she pleases, she's the strongest. But for the most part, it's just a distraction."
"A distraction from what?" Madoka asked.
"Responsibility. Of course, this isn't a standard I hold my subordinates to. They can do whatever they like with their spare time," Kahoru said. "But I'm too busy. Before now, I conquered and managed Kyoto. Now in my last months, I'm going to war with you. Just where would I find time for love? What would the point be?"
"It might make you happy," Madoka said.
"I don't need to be happy," Kahoru said. She shrugged, staring at Madoka from behind. "And believe it or not, I enjoy doing what I do. Being relied on, taking responsibility. Being stressed and exhausted just means I'm living my life to the fullest extent of my abilities. I wouldn't have it any other way."
Madoka turned to face her again. "If you were living life to the fullest, you'd experience everything you could. I'm not saying you should fall in love, it doesn't work that way. But you shouldn't consider it a waste of time." She held Kahoru's gaze. "You say you don't talk about your own feelings to reassure your subordinates, but isn't it the other way round? From my perspective, it seems like you put yourself above everyone else because you feel safer when you're alone."
Kahoru snorted. "Absurd. Being able to control your own emotions is strength, not weakness."
"Why should people have to be strong?" Madoka asked. "Isn't it fine for you to be weak from time to time?"
"A king can't be weak. Much less god," Kahoru said.
"Maybe. But from my perspective, it's better to be able to express yourself honestly," Madoka said. "Your friends will understand. There's no need for you to push everyone away."
"You're just saying what you like," Kahoru said sourly. "But I've made up my own mind on what's best. I won't waver, whatever you say to me."
"Isn't that intellectual cowardice?" Madoka said.
"Not when I'm right, it isn't," Kahoru said.
Madoka smiled. "Perhaps. But I just think it's a shame. Someone like you should have the ability to lead others and fight me while being honest with your friends and falling with love. You believe you have the capacity to become a saviour god, so surely juggling all those things would be no trouble at all for you?"
Kahoru snorted. "Of course I could do it. But that doesn't mean I will. I'm not stupid enough to take your provocations as a challenge."
"I guess so," Madoka said. "You're the girl whose stubbornness doesn't lose to Homura in the slightest, after all."
"Exactly," Kahoru said. She turned and walked away, sitting on the edge of the bed and scowling at Madoka. "As if I'd be distracted by my enemy's words."
Madoka smiled softly. "You're free to live how you please. But a genius shouldn't play dumb to get by. Please don't run away from the feelings of the people around you."
"That's not your business," Kahoru said. "Not that I do that, of course. Like I said, you're just saying whatever you like."
"I see. Good." Madoka closed her eyes. "We'll talk again. Then we can settle the terms of your war with me."
When Kahoru blinked, Madoka was gone. She looked around the room, but there was no sign of Aiko or anyone else. She shrugged and threw herself onto the bed again, pressing her head against the pillow and closing her eyes. That was fine by her. She'd been agitated by that absurd provocation, so she'd rest. However genteel Madoka might choose to be, this was still a part of their war. Remaining calm and collected was vital.
Mami met Aiko in the hall with the round table. She smiled wanly and raised her hand in greeting. This was something she'd expected. No, something she'd wanted.
Aiko pouted at Mami, looking across the table between them. "Shouldn't you be with Kyouko and the others?"
"I'll get round to it," Mami said. "What about you? Shouldn't you be with Kahoru?"
Nami stepped out from behind Aiko. She'd somehow managed to completely conceal her slender frame behind her slightly taller friend. "She's with me. But why are you here? Aren't you with the other side?"
"See?" Aiko said. She spread her hands and held Mami's gaze. "Even Nami gets it, the way we're enemies. Why do you keep on coming back?"
"Can't I do what I like?" Mami said. She walked around the round table, closing on the two girls. "I'm dead now, after all."
"We'll come back," Aiko said. "This all in line with Kahoru's plans."
"Hitomi said the same thing," Mami said. "But right now, I don't really mind either way."
"She's right," Nami said. She sat down on one of the chairs, grinning up at Aiko. "No harm in chatting, right? It's been a while. How long, actually? You're taller than I remember."
"Two years," Aiko said flatly.
"Seriously? Guess that's why." Nami looked down at herself. "I've got bigger as well."
"Am I in the way?" Mami asked. "I wanted to chat with Aiko, but I'm happy to wait. This a reunion for you two, right?"
"It's cool," Nami said before Aiko could say anything. "I'm pretty interested in you."
"Then I'll go right ahead," Mami said, sitting down in another of the chairs.
"Ain't anyone going to ask my opinion?" Aiko said. She collapsed into the chair between them and folded her arms.
"What's the problem?" Nami asked. "The more's the merrier."
Aiko sighed. "Sure, whatever."
"So, what have you been up to while I was sleeping?" Nami asked.
Aiko glanced sidelong at Mami before frowning. "Well, it's all pretty complicated. Um. I guess the first major thing was when I met Kahoru."
"She's the tall one, right? The silver-haired girl," Nami said. "How did you meet her?"
"Well, her wish magic is the akashic records," Aiko said. "She can look up anything about anything, as long as it's past or present. She looked me up after you went to sleep and, uh, dropped in, I suppose."
"Out of the blue?" Nami asked. "How strange." She eyed Aiko suspiciously.
Mami listened closely. It felt like cheating, but she wanted to learn more about Aiko. This might be the only chance she'd get.
"Yeah, it was kind of sudden," Aiko said. "But I was having some problems, so she gave me a hand."
"Problems?" Nami said. "What problems?"
"You know, the usual teething problems," Aiko said. "You know how much being a magical girl sucks, right? I was having a hard time and she helped me out."
"She came a long way," Mami said. "She's from Kyoto, after all."
"Really? That's even stranger," Nami said.
"She was interested in me because I have a rare form of magic," Aiko said. She looked down at her lap, her cheeks flushed. "She said it'd be a waste if I died, so she showed me the ropes."
"Your magic?" Nami said.
"It's called Lotus Garden. That is, Kahoru named it Lotus Garden," Aiko said. "It's not like I have to shout the name to use it or anything, but she likes naming things. Anyway, it puts people in a happy illusion." She paused for a moment. "Um. Forever."
"Oh." Nami rubbed the back of her head. "I see. Guess that also makes sense."
Mami winced. This was all rather awkward.
For the next half hour, Nami prodded Aiko with questions, teasing out a messy patchwork of everything that had happened up until then. Aiko was erratic, jumping forwards months before jumping back again when she'd remembered something she'd forgotten. By and large, the trajectory was clear, at least to Mami's trained ear. From her first stumbling steps as a magical girl, she became stronger, someone able to hold her own and then reach beyond her immediate surroundings. Someone who refused an offer to join the enforcers and who could disdain and ignore the provocations of her peers in Nagoya. But at least according to Aiko, that was all as a result of Kahoru, and it was all for Kahoru. She never said it in so many words, but whenever she spoke of using her power for more than raw survival, it was for Kahoru. Mami couldn't quite work out if it had even occurred to Aiko that she could use her strength to benefit herself. Given that, the rest she knew was hardly surprising. A call from Kahoru, more discussions about travel details, and a trip to Mitakihara. Aiko quietly spoke of everything. Her attempt on Homura's life, her defence of Kahoru, her battle with Oriko, her meeting with Mami, the battle at Kyoto. Without excusing herself, she simply explained what she'd done without meeting Nami's eyes.
Nami frowned when Aiko finished speaking. "And then you died?"
"Yeah. I thought I had Kyouko, but she surprised me at the last moment," Aiko said. "It kind of sucked."
Nami folded her arms. "So, what's up with you and Kahoru, exactly?"
"Um. She's like my teacher, or my boss, or something like that," Aiko said.
"No, I mean more, like, how do you feel about her?" Nami said.
"Well, I love her, I guess," Aiko said.
Mami blinked and spoke for the first time in a while. "Love? As in-" She trailed off when she saw Aiko's flushed cheeks. Looking at that, it made sense. Everything made sense.
"Well, she does have nice hair," Nami said. "And those legs, right? Those legs are to die for."
"It's not like it's about that," Aiko said. "Much. It's her personality and stuff, you know?" She glared at Mami. "Don't listen to her."
"Don't be shy. Anyone can see just by looking, right, Mami?" Nami said. "She's an older girl, right? And so damn tall. I thought she was a foreigner. You don't see that kind of person everyday."
"I've never really thought about Kahoru in that light," Mami said. She met Aiko's gaze. "But when she puts it that way it does make sense. I suppose she is quite attractive."
"I don't care either way!" Aiko said.
"So what, you think Kahoru is ugly?" Nami said.
"Of course not! Kahoru's beautiful, that's really obvious!" Aiko blanched. "But like I'm saying, it's more about her personality and stuff. I'm not as shallow as you!"
"There ain't nothing wrong with it. I admire girls like her," Nami said. She laughed at Aiko's expression. "Look at you, red as a beet. You're too easy to tease, Aiko.."
"Well, she's a girl and I'm a girl," Aiko muttered. "And she's three years older than me. That's like a fifth of my life or whatever. Only a pervert wouldn't be embarrassed."
"Well, yeah, but if I was going to fall in love with a girl, it'd definitely be a beautiful older girl like her," Nami said. "Or maybe the kimono girl, you know. Ritsuko, wasn't it? She's also high-class."
Mami frowned at Nami. It was hard to keep up with the younger girl's train of thought. "I thought you'd be a more demure person."
"Ya never knew me, right?" Nami said. She smiled. "I've always been like this, you know. Teasing Aiko is fun."
"I put up with this for years before everything got messed up," Aiko said.
"So, have you told her yet?" Nami asked.
"As if I could!" Aiko said. "She's an even worse tease than you, and she's busy fighting this war. I'm busy as well, you know." She looked away. "Like I could say a word."
"Shouldn't she know anyway?" Mami said. "She has the records, right?"
"I dunno if she's used them. She sorta takes me for granted," Aiko said. "Or, like, she trusts me without having to read about my weaknesses. She ain't so self-conscious that she asks the book how a given person feels about her."
"Well, I'll admit 'self-conscious' is the last thing I'd call Kahoru," Mami said.
"But if that's the case, you gotta say all the more," Nami said. "You're dead, right? But you're gonna see her anyway, so now's the last chance."
"Like I'm saying, we'll come back," Aiko said. "Kahoru predicted that, so it's probably gonna happen."
"So what? All the better," Nami said.
"Ain't like anything would come of it," Aiko said. "We're too busy, and Kahoru is like that anyway, you know, emotionally distant. It pisses me off but I can't change it."
"Excuses are forbidden," Nami said. "It ain't fair for you and her to carry on without saying anything. Right, Mami?"
"Huh? Um, I guess so," Mami said. She put her hand over her mouth. This felt like a really bizarre conversation to be having. "No, that's quite right. I think it's important you straighten things out, as well."
"You guys are just saying that cause you don't have to do it," Aiko said.
"I told you, no excuses," Nami said. "It ain't good to keep things bottled up. And anyway, you'd rather go out with her if you could, right? Going on dates and kissing her and that sort of thing."
"Well, yeah, I guess," Aiko said. "But it just ain't happening, I'm telling you! You don't know what she's like!"
Mami frowned as she turned things over in her head. "Has Kahoru ever gone out with anyone?"
"Never!" Aiko said. "Not once! She goes on about how silly that stuff is."
"I was just thinking it might just work, maybe," Mami said. "You're probably the first person who thinks of her that way."
"You just gotta seduce her," Nami said.
"Like I could do that!" Aiko said. "Heck, like you could do that, either. Ain't like you have experience."
"I don't need experience to give advice," Nami said. "I have woman's intuition."
"I'm not sure that's what woman's intuition means," Mami said.
"Whatever. Just promise me you'll tell her, okay?" Nami said.
Aiko scowled. "I'll think about it."
Nami sighed. "Don't think, just do it."
Mami smiled. "I'll be cheering for you, Aiko."
"If you tell anyone I'll kill you," Aiko said to Mami. "Especially Homura."
"Don't worry, I won't say anything. This doesn't have anything to do with the war," Mami said. She sighed. "I honestly wish we could just worry about things like this, rather than having to fight."
"I'm Kahoru's right hand," Aiko said. "That won't change."
"I know," Mami said. She glanced sidelong at Aiko. "I'm almost jealous, you know."
"Of what?" Aiko said.
"Of the fact you feel that strongly about someone," Mami said. "Maybe the fact I don't have that is why I've been trying to save everyone."
"Just give up on me," Aiko said.
"I don't want to." Mami smiled. "You're stubborn as well, so don't argue with me."
Aiko sighed. "Fine. Be that way."
When Aiko knocked on the elegant wooden door, no one replied. She frowned, feeling rather stupid. She felt like this was where Kahoru was. She didn't have any rational reason to believe that, but she was still sure that was the case. She opened the door and stepped inside. To her surprise, Kahoru was sleeping on top of the huge bed in the middle of the room. Aiko closed the door behind her and approached quietly, looking down at the silver-haired girl. Honestly, what was the point in sleeping? They were already dead.
Kahoru blinked herself awake. She didn't remember going to sleep. And she certainly didn't remember slipping beneath the bed's white sheets and red blankets. But then again, it wasn't like that kind of inconsistency mattered when you were dead. She was pulled from her idle, sleep addled thoughts by the sound of someone else breathing inside the room. She sat up and looked around, her eyes sharp.
Aiko was slumped back in a chair she'd pulled close to the bed, breathing softly as she slept. Kahoru hesitated for a moment, then slid out from under the blankets and sat at the edge of the bed. She raised an arm and shook Aiko. "Wake up."
Aiko blinked herself awake, staring dozily at Kahoru. "Good morning."
"Like hell it's good morning. This is a place with no time," Kahoru said.
"Ah, sorry." Aiko slapped her cheeks with both hands, shaking away her sleepiness. "Man, my back hurts."
"Of course it will, if you insist on sleeping on a chair," Kahoru said. "If you really must sleep in heaven, find a heavenly bed."
"Yeah, but this room only has one bed," Aiko said. "And it's not like I know my way around here."
"We shouldn't even need to sleep," Kahoru said.
"Well, you were asleep when I came in," Aiko said. "I thought it'd be a shame to wake you, so I sat down. I guess I nodded off."
"Considerate of you. I woke you up the moment I could," Kahoru said.
Aiko smiled. "That sounds like you. Well, whatever."
They looked at each other in silence for a few moments while Kahoru scrambled for a topic of conversation. "So I've had a chat with Madoka. Putting aside her absurd views of my social life, she's oddly sympathetic to my cause. So if there's any problem it will be from Homura."
Aiko blinked and breathed out, quietly gathering herself. "I talked to Nami earlier. I told her everything."
Kahoru frowned. It wasn't normal for Aiko to ignore her. "Was she angry?"
"I dunno. I don't think so," Aiko said. She looked at Kahoru, her voice tightening with nervousness. "Anyway, we talked about a lot of things, the stuff I've done up until now. And that, you know, made me reflect on this and that."
Kahoru's gripped the edge of the bed tightly. She knew Aiko was stumbling towards something and her instincts screamed she should head it off. "Did she talk about her Lotus Garden? I'm a little curious about the world she saw."
"A bit, but that doesn't matter," Aiko said. "Look, we're dead, right?" She looked down at her knees. "This might be our last chance to talk like this."
"I think we have good odds on coming back to life," Kahoru said. She watched Aiko closely. "60%. No, 80%. As high as 80%, if someone asked me to make a best guess. That's not so bad, is it?"
"This might be our last chance," Aiko repeated. She met Kahoru's gaze again. "So even if it's stupid, I'll tell you. I like you. No. I love you."
Kahoru turned away and put her hands over her mouth. Her body was demonstrating some absurdly physical symptoms to an essentially emotional situation. Flushed cheeks, elevated pulse rate, butterflies in stomach, and so on. She couldn't think straight, either. She lived relying on the lightning that danced through her mind so it was terrifying to find that she couldn't think of anything clever to say or do. "You said it," she said, half under her breath. "You really went and said it."
"Did you know?" Aiko said. Her face had already fallen but her lips were tight with resignation. She'd never dared to imagine any other answer.
"Not as such. I had a shadow of a doubt after the Mitakihara incident. 5%, 10%, odds in that region. I thought I was just being arrogant." Kahoru closed her eyes, trying to gather herself. She was babbling and she hated babbling. "Just to check, when you say love, you don't mean 'as a friend' or 'like a sister' sorts of love, right?"
"This is, like, dates and kissing love," Aiko said. She looked away, her cheeks flushed bright red. "Look, I know it's weird, but I can't help it. I just had to say it. Nami's right on that."
"I thought so. Inferring from context, you know. Just checking, like I said," Kahoru managed. She glanced sheepishly at Aiko and asked the question foremost on her mind. "Why?"
"I don't know," Aiko said. "It's not like I wanted this to happen, it just did."
"When all's said and done, I just order you around and make you help me," Kahoru said. "It seems deeply irrational."
"Yeah, I know," Aiko said. "But you're beautiful and cool, right? You're always plotting something, but you're never boring. And when you're in the mood you're funny and mock everyone and even yourself. You pretend it's all easy but you work harder than anyone. Look, I don't know, okay? None of that's it, I dunno. I suck with words."
"I noticed." Kahoru breathed out. "So this was what Madoka was talking about."
"What does Madoka have to do with anything?" Aiko asked. When Kahoru glanced at her again she was looking away, her arms folded. Closed, defensive body language.
"Nothing much." Kahoru placed her hands on the edge of the bed again, forcing them to sit still. "Just to check, but you're going to want me to say something, right? I guess pretending this never happened isn't an option?" She wilted under Aiko's glare. "Yes. Um. I thought so. Just making sure, you know, for the record."
"Just so you know, I'm not expecting very much," Aiko said. "I was just saying it, okay?"
"Fine. That's fine." Kahoru bit her lip. "Give me a moment." She fought with herself, trying to create order from chaos. She was a genius. She should be above this. But however much she willed her body into submission, she couldn't escape this ephemeral nervousness. "I'm sorry. I don't know anything about love. Before now, I never really thought too hard about what you are to me, since you've always been there for me either way. I need you, certainly, but in terms of details, I've never put you in one box or another."
Aiko leaned forwards. "For god's sake, would you get on with it? You're killing me here!"
Kahoru flinched under her gaze again. She hated this. She felt weak, and that was absurd. Why should she feel weak? Knowledge, of course. Or lack of knowledge. Ignorance. She always stood tall based on her knowledge of whatever situation confronted her. But she hadn't known she'd needed to prepare for this. She had nothing to draw on, not even the records. But it'd be absurd to use the records for something like this. She hadn't understood Aiko, and she hadn't given her own emotions enough thought. She closed her eyes. If you were ignorant, form a hypothesis and test it. Measure the results. Draw conclusions. If she did that, things would start making sense again. She opened her eyes. "Kiss me."
Aiko blinked in shock. "What?"
"It's an experiment. I don't know what to say, so I need you to kiss me," Kahoru said. "This isn't an answer, okay? It's a special measure to help me find an answer."
"You can't just ask that so suddenly," Aiko said. "It's your first kiss, right? Mine, too."
"That doesn't matter," Kahoru said. She leaned forwards. "It's fine, right? In theory you want to kiss me. There shouldn't be a problem here."
"Yeah, but you're making the atmosphere completely lousy," Aiko said. "Ain't like I know what I'm doing, either." She leaned forwards hesitantly before giving up and moving to sit on the bed next to Kahoru. "Like this?" She faced Kahoru and leaned in clumsily, closing her eyes as she did so.
Kahoru stared at her, her body stiff as she tried to meet Aiko half-way. She'd never looked at Aiko's lips before. Not specifically. It wasn't unusual for their bodies to be this close but the context was completely different and somehow that changed everything. She leaned back abruptly, putting a hand on Aiko's forehead. "Sorry. That's enough."
Aiko fell backwards onto the bed, hugging herself. "You trying to be a bitch about this?"
"No. Not really." Kahoru put a hand over her mouth again. Now those physical symptoms were twice as bad as before. "It's not- well. That test was inconclusive."
"You have to be kidding me," Aiko said.
Kahoru looked down at her. "I need more time to think. Is that okay?"
Aiko rolled away from Kahoru, hugging her knees. "You ain't just saying that to get out of saying no, right?"
"Of course." Kahoru breathed out. Saying it meant admitting it to herself, but she had no choice. "I'm saying maybe because I mean maybe."
"I thought you didn't do love." Aiko's tone was measured. Careful.
"So did I." Kahoru looked out towards the windows. "I will work this out, but the war comes first."
"I know. I'm still gonna fight for you," Aiko said. "It makes me miserable but that ain't your fault. It's my choice. You're more important to me than anyone else."
Kahoru blushed at those clumsy words. "I'll need your help for testing."
"You're a complete idiot," Aiko said. She pressed her head against her knees.
"You fell in love with a complete idiot." Kahoru hesitantly touched Aiko's right arm with her left hand. "Either way, I won't hate you. I still need you to watch me until the end."
