For a moment, Buffy stood there, stunned. "I'm sorry, did I hear you right?"
"We're not doing this, Buffy."
"What? Why not?"
Willow looked from Buffy to Angel in confusion. "Okay, I don't understand. What just happened?"
"Do you really need to ask why?" Angel asked Buffy, ignoring Willow.
"Yes, I really do! Just two seconds ago you seemed excited about this and now you're being all grouchy! Why wouldn't you want to do this? Angel, this is our chance! We could be together, really together, and you wouldn't ever have to worry about Angelus hurting me again."
"Do you really think it would be that easy? That we could just get what we want and that would be it? That there would be no consequences?"
"I don't understand, Angel! What consequences?"
"Angelus, Buffy! I'm talking about Angelus! Do you have any idea how dangerous this spell is?"
"Angel, you don't have to worry," Willow said. "Granted the spell is a little more complicated than it sounds, and of course it does come with certain risks, but we can do it. You don't have to worry about Angelus."
"I don't doubt your abilities, Willow. If you hadn't restored my soul the first time, we'd probably never be having this conversation."
"Okay, so what's the problem?" Tara asked. "I thought you were on board with the spell."
"Yeah, so did I," Buffy muttered, glaring at Angel.
Angel glanced at Tara and Willow. "Could you two give Buffy and I a moment alone please?"
Tara stood for a moment, jaw dropped, then nodded. "Um, okay. Sure, Angel."
"Just…let us know if you change your mind?" Willow said, then followed Tara out of the room. "Okay, that wasn't quite the reaction I was expecting," she whispered.
"Yeah, me neither. I thought this would bring them closer, not make them fight."
"Maybe Angel just needs some time to think about it. I forget how stubborn he can be some—oh!" Willow crashed into Wesley. "Sorry, Wesley! I wasn't looking where I was going."
"Quite alright."
"You might not want to go in there right now," Tara said.
Wesley frowned. "Why not?"
Willow glanced behind her, then turned back to Wesley. "Buffy and Angel are…"
"Kissing?" he whispered.
"Um, no, not exactly."
"What is the problem, Angel?" Buffy shouted.
"Oh, arguing," Wesley said.
"The problem is that something could go wrong. Buffy, if we do this, Angelus will take over. And if we let Angelus loose…I just can't live with the thought of hurting you again."
"Angel, that's the point," she said, lowering her voice. "After we do this spell, Angelus won't be able to hurt me anymore."
"And you're missing the point I'm trying to make. If we do this, I'll become the monster who terrorized you two years ago."
"I can handle Angelus. I did before and I will again. Besides, this time, I'll be ready for him, and it's not going to be for very long. We're talking what? Five, ten minutes tops? And you'll be chained up. Nothing will go wrong."
"How can you be so sure? What if you don't have time to chain me up?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean what if Angelus makes an early appearance. What if he makes an appearance during? Did you think about that?"
"Well before it happened later. I know it did, because I remember falling asleep in your arms, and you were still you."
"Buffy, I don't know how this works. Maybe we'll have enough time. But if we don't…I don't want to take a chance of letting him out and letting him hurt you. Don't you understand? I'd give anything to not have you go through that again."
"Angel, we're just going to have to take a chance."
"No, we can't do that. I won't risk it."
"Okay, so that's it? End of discussion? You're not even going to try Willow and Tara's spell? Not even when it could give you something you truly want?"
"I'm sorry, but they'll just have to find another way. One that doesn't involve bringing you anywhere near Angelus again."
"Angel, I don't understand. We're so close. We're so close to having something we both want. And you're just going to what…give up?"
"Buffy…it's not that simple."
"Nothing worth having ever is. If it's not worth having, than it's not worth fighting for. And aren't we worth fighting for?"
Angel just stared at her, not uttering a single word.
"Well, I guess I have my answer." Buffy turned on her heel and walked away from him.
"Buffy…"
"Just leave me alone!" she shouted as she ran out of the mansion.
Angel turned around and punched the wall, which wasn't exactly the smartest thing to do at the moment. Holding his injured hand, Angel sat down near the fireplace. He really wished that conversation with Buffy had gone a lot better.
"You should put some ice on that," Wesley said, appearing in the doorway.
Angel wasn't use to people sneaking up on him. Usually his sense of smell or sound would tip him off, but he'd been so preoccupied with his fight with Buffy that he hadn't even noticed the ex-watcher's presence.
"Wesley."
"I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I overheard some of your conversation with Buffy and ran into Willow and Tara in the hall." Wesley walked over and sat down beside him.
"Did you know about this? About what they were planning?"
Wesley shook his head. "No, I hadn't a clue. But I have to say…it'd be really quite amazing if they could do this. Although I can understand your hesitation."
"It's dangerous, Wes. I promised myself I'd never let Angelus loose again. I hurt too many people the last time."
Wesley frowned, pondering the vampire's situation for a moment. "Angel, may I ask you a personal question?"
Angel didn't answer, but Wesley asked anyway. "Is it only…intercourse?" he whispered.
Angel looked at Wesley with a raised eyebrow. "What?"
"The curse. Is it only the act of physical pleasure that triggers the transformation?"
"I don't think it's the physical act itself. It's more the emotions that go with it. When Buffy and I were together, it wasn't just sex. It was more than that. It's just Buffy and the way I feel about her. It's always Buffy. And making love is the ultimate expression of our love. That's what triggers it. She's my perfect happiness."
"So loving Buffy is your perfect happiness?"
"Yes."
"But you're with Buffy now, in a limited capacity, of course. Do you think perhaps that over time, your misery would gradually ease? I mean, is it possible that you could become so complacent in your life that ordinary things could trigger it? Example, how did you feel when Buffy came out of her coma?"
"Relief mostly."
"But not just relief, am I right?"
"I felt happy too," Angel admitted.
"You keep the demon inside of you at bay, but for how long, Angel? You can control your behavior and how you act, but there are other things out of your control for you to consider. Do you remember what happened a few months back when that actress laced your drink with that mood-altering drug?"
"Yeah. I could have hurt or even killed someone."
"You walk a fine line, Angel."
Angel stared at Wesley, considering what he said. "So you think I should go through with this?"
Wesley shook his head. "I can't make that decision for you. I just wanted to give you something to think about." Wesley stood up, retrieving the book from the table he'd come for in the first place.
"For what it's worth, Angel, I think no matter what you decide, Buffy will love you regardless."
Wesley left the room, leaving Angel alone to brood.
In his mind, all he could see was the hurt in her eyes when he had told her no.
Angel stared at his cell phone for a moment, then dialed the number he had long since committed to memory. He placed the phone to his ear, listening to it ring several times.
At the Summers' residence, the phone in the quiet, dark kitchen rang unheard.
Angel groaned when the answering machine clicked on.
"Hi, you've reached Buffy, Willow, and Tara. Sorry we missed your call. Leave us a message!"
The machine beeped, and Angel rubbed his forehead. He'd wanted to hear Buffy's voice, but not on the machine. "Buffy, I know you're over there. Please…pick up the phone."
Angel waited a moment, hoping to hear her voice on the line, but instead was greeted with silence.
"Buffy? Okay, you're angry and you're not speaking to me. But please just call me. I need to talk to you. I don't want us to fight. I love you, Buffy."
Angel sighed as he hung up the phone. He imagined Buffy sitting in the kitchen, staring at the machine as he left his message. He looked at his phone again, and he hoped she would call.
Buffy sat against her mother's headstone, gripping her stake so hard that a splinter had burrowed itself beneath her skin. She knew it was foolish to be out here by herself. She wasn't even sure how she got here, or why. It was as if her legs had a will of their own, and suddenly, she was here.
We're not doing this, Buffy.
She kept repeating Angel's words over and over in her mind. If she hadn't been so angry at the moment, she'd probably cry.
She could understand Angel wanting to be cautious. If truth be told, every one of Angel's concerns had crossed her mind as well. But didn't they deserve a little happiness? Didn't they owe it to themselves to at least try?
"Trouble in paradise, Slayer?" said a familiar voice.
Buffy looked up at her unwelcome visitor. "Not now, Spike."
Spike, ignoring the fact that she didn't want him there, sat down on the ground beside her. He could care less if she wanted company or not.
"You and Angel have been joined to the hip since he came storming back into town, and now he's nowhere in sight. So what happened? You two have a row or something? He didn't go all soul-losing on you, did he?"
"No, god forbid that happen for a moment," Buffy mumbled.
"What are you doing out here by yourself, anyway? You probably shouldn't be out here alone with that Maleficus character out there lurking."
Buffy glared at Spike. "I don't need a babysitter. Especially you."
Spike made no effort to move. Apparently he wasn't going away.
"You always come here, you know."
Buffy stared at him for a moment, finding it strange that Spike would know something like that about her. "I do?"
"I'm surprised vampires still come to this cemetery with you here all the time. Like it's your favorite cemetery or something. I guess that's why you have your mother buried here." Spike nodded his head towards the gravestone behind him.
Spike had been right about that. This was her favorite cemetery. It made sense she'd want to come here to visit her mother, and to slay, of course.
"I liked Joyce. She was very…motherly. You know, she was the only human being that I didn't feel like killing."
Buffy supposed that was some kind of compliment, and coming from Spike, it was odd. "Why are you being nice to me?"
Spike shrugged. "I guess I've finally accepted the truth."
"And what truth would that be?"
"I can't kill you. And not just because of the damn chip in my head. You're the only slayer that's bested me time after time again. You pick your battles, you know? And you're no match for me."
"So what, you can't beat me, so now you're joining me?"
"You know why I liked killing slayers?"
"I can't believe I'm going to ask this, but why?"
"Because of the rush. The adrenaline. There's nothing like knowing that any second, it could be over, and nothing like knowing that you beat those odds and won."
"You're really twisted."
"The point I'm making is that I love the fight. And then those damn Initiative boys your commando boyfriend, or ex, whatever, worked for put this chip in my head and took away all of that. I wanted to kill myself."
"But you didn't."
"No, because I realized I could fight, if I really wanted to. Not with humans, unfortunately, unless I want a splitting headache. But I can fight demons. It's not nearly the rush of fighting a slayer, but it'll do."
"So you're helping us out of the goodness of your heart? Oh wait, that's right, you don't have a heart."
"I fight them because I enjoy the thrill. And besides," Spike said, shrugging his shoulders. "I guess I like the lot of you after all."
Buffy stared at him incredulously.
"Oh don't get me wrong, Slayer. I still fantasize about killing you all. But I like to make fun of people, and you and your Scooby gang are good for entertainment value."
Spike suddenly stood to his feet and dug into his pocket for a cigarette. "You should go home. If Peaches knew you were out here patrolling by yourself, he'd be fit to be tied." Spike took his lighter out from another pocket and lit the cigarette.
Buffy rose from the ground and brushed the dirt off her pants. She didn't want to go back home, or to the mansion. She didn't really want to hang out here with Spike either. She hated that Spike had to do that…remind her of Angel, which reminded her of how furious she was with him at the moment.
"I'll guess I'll see you later, then?" Spike asked as he watched her walk away, without so much as a goodbye to him.
He was a fool.
Wasn't this what he wanted? Hadn't he dreamed of a life without Angelus?
Angel glanced down at the couch, seeing Buffy's magazine. He picked it up, thumbing through the pages and by sheer coincidence, found the quiz from earlier.
"Is He Devoted To You?"
Angel threw the magazine down and headed to the door. He wasn't going to sit around here all night, brooding. He was going to go to Buffy, and he was going to make this right.
When he opened the door, Buffy was on the other side.
"Buffy. I was just leaving to find you."
Buffy, without a word, pushed past him and headed up the stairs.
"Buffy!"
Buffy ignored him, but Angel followed.
Once upstairs, Buffy headed straight to her bedroom and slammed the door. She'd barely slept in that bedroom since she arrived here, choosing instead to sleep with him. Angel had a feeling he'd be sleeping alone tonight unless he made this right.
Angel knocked on the door, waited a moment, then knocked again. "Buffy, please open the door."
The door cracked open slightly. "I just want to be left alone," she said, then started to close the door again.
"Buffy, don't." Angel put his foot in the door, pushing himself in.
"I'm not talking to you." Buffy walked to the other side of the room to get away from him. "Except to tell you that I'm not talking to you. And it starts…right now."
"That's fine, Buffy. You don't need to say anything. I just need you to listen."
Buffy began to rummage through her dresser drawer, looking for something to sleep in. "Well maybe I don't want to hear what you have to say."
"I thought you weren't talking to me."
Buffy glared at him, daring him to make another smart remark.
Angel walked over to her and gently touched her elbow, leading her to the bed to sit. "Please?"
Buffy complied, sitting down, and gave him a look that said he better hurry up and start talking.
"Do you remember the night we made love?"
Buffy stared at a spot on the wall, not looking at him.
"Right, you're not talking to me. That night, Buffy? It was the best and worst night of my life. I know we never really talked about it, never exactly had the chance to talk about it afterwards considering…"
Angel touched her cheek, turning her head to look at him. "Buffy, I'm so sorry that night was ruined for you too."
Buffy moved her finger to her eye, wiping a tear threatening to fall. "It's not your fault. It's not like we could have helped it. We didn't know."
"Loving you, Buffy, it's the greatest, most pure thing I have ever experienced. I've never loved anyone so completely like that. And afterwards, when you fell asleep in my arms, I just held you. I wanted to stay awake and keep watching you. You looked so peaceful and content. And beautiful. But I fell asleep. And then something woke me up. I remember when it happened."
Buffy knew what 'it' was referring to. When he lost his soul.
"It's hard to explain, but it felt as if someone was literally ripping me in two. I felt the control slipping away from me. And it was in that moment I knew. I don't know how I knew, but I knew what was going to happen. And I didn't know why it was happening, only that it was. And I was so afraid of what I might do to you."
"That's why you left?"
"Yeah. I didn't want you to wake up to the monster that I knew I'd become. Angelus is cold-hearted and cruel, and he took the love we shared and tried to turn it into something dirty. He only saw you as someone he could torment…just for the pleasure of it.
"Buffy, it terrifies me. It terrifies me that just beneath the surface, there's a cruel and brutal monster just waiting for an opportunity to get out. Inside me is a monster who is no better than the vampires that nearly killed you, or maybe even worse. I vowed I'd never be Angelus again after what happened. I never want you to have to go through that again. That's why I never talk about that night. It's too painful. To think of all the things I did…"
Buffy put her hands over his and gave him a small smile. "Angel, that part is over. It's in the past. I know you'd never hurt me. The beast who tormented me wasn't you."
"The beast is a part of me."
"But you're not him. You're you, and you're nothing like him."
Angel looked down, apparently lost in his thoughts.
"Angel, I'm sorry for the way I acted earlier."
Angel looked at Buffy. "Why are you sorry?"
"Because I didn't take the time to hear you out. I didn't understand why you refused to do the spell. I didn't realize how much being Angelus bothers you. I'm sorry I didn't listen."
"No, Buffy, don't apologize. If anyone should be apologizing, it's me. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?"
"I let my fear of Angelus get in the way of what's really important. And that's us."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying I love you, Buffy. And if there's a chance, even a small one, that we could be together without worrying about the demon inside of me, then we should take it."
Buffy smiled, hoping it was true. "Are you saying you changed your mind? You want to do the spell after all?"
"Yes."
"Really?"
Angel smiled at her. "Yes," he repeated. "Let's do the spell."
Angel hardly had time to react as Buffy threw her arms around him, holding him tight.
"Thank you," she whispered.
She pulled away, smiling, but her smile faded when she saw the serious expression on Angel's face. "What is it?"
"Just because I'm agreeing to do this, it doesn't mean I'm not still concerned about the risks. We're talking about bringing Angelus forth. There's still the potential for something to go wrong."
"I know."
"If we're going to do this, we're going to do it right."
"Okay. What do you need me to do?"
"Well, for starters, we're going to need some heavy-duty chains."
A/N: YAY! Angel's going to go through with the spell! See, no need to have been worried at the end of the last chapter! Don't you trust me to make things right for Buffy and Angel? :) Besides, I wouldn't go through the trouble of finding a way to fix Angel's curse if I had no intention of having him go through with it. :D
But, that being said…there ARE still a lot of risks that go with this, and Angel has some valid reasons for being concerned. You'll just have to see how it turns out…
So a little side note…the title of this chapter inspired the title of this story. I came up with about ten different titles and I hated them all. Worth Fighting For stuck because of the line Buffy used in this chapter, so I thought, okay, I'll use that one. And if you think about it, Buffy and Angel have had to fight several obstacles to be together. They could either give up, or fight for the chance to be together. And I think Buffy and Angel should definitely fight for that chance.
Okay…so next chapter…we're getting closer to the spell. The next several chapters will be devoted to this.
Until 53! :)
